Hi Lynn,
Since the events have turned to divorce, I would suggest that you need to have your own lawyer to make sure that your interest are best served.
You might want to start here:
http://www.the-divorce-directory.com/
I am so sorry that it has come to this, but I hope and pray that no matter what God protect you in all your comings and goings, and that He will be your constant companion, consoler, and comforter, richly bless you and provide for your every need.
Help! Seems like divorce is lingering in the air
Hi Lynn
Of course you're scared, stressed, confused and conflicted -- this is not a remotely simple or straightforward situation you're in! It also sounds as though you're from a culture that is more male-dominant than the North American culture is typically, so please acknowledge yourself for having the courage to step waaaayyy out of your comfort zone, and stop, as Lucinda says, shoulding on yourself!
Often situations are confusing because there is no right or wrong, but in this situation there are tons of rights and wrongs. Everybody around you has an opinion, the variety of cultures and religions around you have rules and beliefs, and inside of you your upbringing is arguing with your adult self... You are the only one who knows what's right for you, so, like a flag in a hurricane, do whatever you can to cling to your flagpole: your true and grounded self. Meditate, use the relaxation exercises, write in your journal, lean on Allah and pray, breathe (kind of important!), use all of the tools in this program and whatever else works for you to stay in the strong, centred, brave and determined person that you are. Whether it happens that you repair the marriage or go through with divorce, let it happen because you, your true self, made the decision, not because you were overcome by the hurricane winds. As scary as it is right now, consider the alternative of forever being frightened by a breeze.
And, whatever happens, you do need someone on your side protecting your rights -- that's a given. You need to know what your options are, and have a clear understanding of what your life will look like in the various scenarios in order for you to make a decision that's right for you.
Of course I have an opinion as well, so please take that into consideration as I relate to you that it took me 2 years to finally come to a decision once I realized that my bully of a husband would always be a cruel and self-centred bully regardless of job, circumstance, or anything I could possibly be or do. I remember wishing that he would batter me physically so that I would have something tangible I could base my decision on, and bandages and scars I could point to when other people tried to shame me for deciding to leave. I wished that he would have an affair, or, I'll admit, that he would die in an accident so that I wouldn't have to be seen as the bad one, ending an apparently perfectly good marriage. But I believe that the lesson I'm in this life to learn is to trust myself enough to stand up for myself even when there's nothing obvious to support me, and I wasn't going to get any closer to learning that by wishing and waiting for something to make my decision easy. Eight years later, is my life better? In some ways no, it's actually worse, but in the ways that are most important to me there's simply no comparison.
Hang in there, Lynn. It's really tough, but I know -- I hear in your words -- that you have it in you to weather this storm and emerge with dignity and self-respect.
Of course you're scared, stressed, confused and conflicted -- this is not a remotely simple or straightforward situation you're in! It also sounds as though you're from a culture that is more male-dominant than the North American culture is typically, so please acknowledge yourself for having the courage to step waaaayyy out of your comfort zone, and stop, as Lucinda says, shoulding on yourself!
Often situations are confusing because there is no right or wrong, but in this situation there are tons of rights and wrongs. Everybody around you has an opinion, the variety of cultures and religions around you have rules and beliefs, and inside of you your upbringing is arguing with your adult self... You are the only one who knows what's right for you, so, like a flag in a hurricane, do whatever you can to cling to your flagpole: your true and grounded self. Meditate, use the relaxation exercises, write in your journal, lean on Allah and pray, breathe (kind of important!), use all of the tools in this program and whatever else works for you to stay in the strong, centred, brave and determined person that you are. Whether it happens that you repair the marriage or go through with divorce, let it happen because you, your true self, made the decision, not because you were overcome by the hurricane winds. As scary as it is right now, consider the alternative of forever being frightened by a breeze.
And, whatever happens, you do need someone on your side protecting your rights -- that's a given. You need to know what your options are, and have a clear understanding of what your life will look like in the various scenarios in order for you to make a decision that's right for you.
Of course I have an opinion as well, so please take that into consideration as I relate to you that it took me 2 years to finally come to a decision once I realized that my bully of a husband would always be a cruel and self-centred bully regardless of job, circumstance, or anything I could possibly be or do. I remember wishing that he would batter me physically so that I would have something tangible I could base my decision on, and bandages and scars I could point to when other people tried to shame me for deciding to leave. I wished that he would have an affair, or, I'll admit, that he would die in an accident so that I wouldn't have to be seen as the bad one, ending an apparently perfectly good marriage. But I believe that the lesson I'm in this life to learn is to trust myself enough to stand up for myself even when there's nothing obvious to support me, and I wasn't going to get any closer to learning that by wishing and waiting for something to make my decision easy. Eight years later, is my life better? In some ways no, it's actually worse, but in the ways that are most important to me there's simply no comparison.
Hang in there, Lynn. It's really tough, but I know -- I hear in your words -- that you have it in you to weather this storm and emerge with dignity and self-respect.
-
peaceandjoy7
- Posts: 29
- Joined: Wed Nov 26, 2008 8:55 pm
Something that is really bothering me, is that in looking at our old bank transactions just recently, I found out that about two in a half years ago he went a strip club because it showed the name and address in the bank transactions. I was so shocked. I knew during this course of time he had gone to some clubs in Boston with his friends (normal clubs) and bars to play pool, but never a strip club. The thing that bothers me so much is that I initially looked up to this man because he helped me to find my religion, and in our religion men and women should lower their gaze and be modest and we don't drink alcohol and while he was doing this, I was dressing modestly and trying to get closer to God. It hurts so bad. Part of me feels really insecure like I wasn't enough for him so he had to go to clubs and a strip club to get his thrills. I feel like I wasn't beautiful or alluring enough for him. I know I shouldn't think this way, but it is hard not too.
Hi Lynn,
I am so sorry that your husband turned away from both you and the love of God. I shall pray that God richly bless your husband so that he returns His lost lamb to His fold.
I pray that God show His lost lamb, Lynn's husband, and show His love to His lambs and do as the shepherds of old did to break His lambs from such behavior and then cradle His lamb closest to His breast to show that lost lamb, all the good things that God has previously blessed him with, and yet the lamb forsook, so that His lambs will not leave the Shepherds fold ever again.
Lord, I pray that you favor Lynn with all the love and compassion that she deserves for she has been a faithful an dutiful wife and life partner to her husband and yet he has scorned her.
Lord, I pray that you richly Bless Lynn with all in your treasure store house so that she never wants for anything, including a new husband and mate that will respect, love, honor and cherish her as you do Lord.
I pray that you be Lynn's constant companion, comforter, consoler and provider in all her comings and goings.
I, your humble servant, plead that you incline your ear dear Lord, to hear and answer my prayers as I raise this sacrifice of praise with the sincere and humble heart and that it be as a sweet fragrance to thee.
Lord, I pray that You forgive Your humble servant, if I have offended You in any way.
Lord, I lift these prayers and blessings in your Son Yeshua's precious Holy name.
And all that agree please say Amen.
I am so sorry that your husband turned away from both you and the love of God. I shall pray that God richly bless your husband so that he returns His lost lamb to His fold.
I pray that God show His lost lamb, Lynn's husband, and show His love to His lambs and do as the shepherds of old did to break His lambs from such behavior and then cradle His lamb closest to His breast to show that lost lamb, all the good things that God has previously blessed him with, and yet the lamb forsook, so that His lambs will not leave the Shepherds fold ever again.
Lord, I pray that you favor Lynn with all the love and compassion that she deserves for she has been a faithful an dutiful wife and life partner to her husband and yet he has scorned her.
Lord, I pray that you richly Bless Lynn with all in your treasure store house so that she never wants for anything, including a new husband and mate that will respect, love, honor and cherish her as you do Lord.
I pray that you be Lynn's constant companion, comforter, consoler and provider in all her comings and goings.
I, your humble servant, plead that you incline your ear dear Lord, to hear and answer my prayers as I raise this sacrifice of praise with the sincere and humble heart and that it be as a sweet fragrance to thee.
Lord, I pray that You forgive Your humble servant, if I have offended You in any way.
Lord, I lift these prayers and blessings in your Son Yeshua's precious Holy name.
And all that agree please say Amen.
All for His praise, glory and the joy it gives Him.
Hugs, In His Love >:D<
Gman9259
"He who dwells in the secret place of the most
high shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty"
Hugs, In His Love >:D<
Gman9259
"He who dwells in the secret place of the most
high shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty"
Lynn, I would reread Traveller's post. It's an excellent one and she has learned valuable life lessons about learning to rely on yourself rather than someone else. Excellent post Traveller and I fully agree with everything you said.
This is a lie. YOu are saying that you aren't good enough. That is totally a lie. This is HIS PROBLEM, not yours. There will always be someone else who is more beautiful, or in the case of guys, more handsome. I suspect he brought this problem into the marriage and had the problem before he met you. I am speaking from my own experience. It 's not something I am proud of but something I've tried to deal with for most of my life. For guys, sex is in our hormones and taming this very srong drive requires discipline. Sorry everybody but I'm telling like I see it. It requires a willingness to admit this can become a weakness, a flaw, and a lot of men fall prey to it. I can't speak for your hubby, but this drive started with me at puberty and some guys have a difficult time in dealing with it, me included. I suspect your hubby has hidden this side of himself from you and that this is something he was doing in some form or fashion before he met you. It's his problem not yours.
In my view, the solution is for him to go to you when he wants to have sex, instead of going to the strip club.
This will cause him problems in any future relationship as well until he recognizes HE IS THE PROBLEM.
Part of me feels really insecure like I wasn't enough for him so he had to go to clubs and a strip club to get his thrills. I feel like I wasn't beautiful or alluring enough for him. I know I shouldn't think this way, but it is hard not too.
This is a lie. YOu are saying that you aren't good enough. That is totally a lie. This is HIS PROBLEM, not yours. There will always be someone else who is more beautiful, or in the case of guys, more handsome. I suspect he brought this problem into the marriage and had the problem before he met you. I am speaking from my own experience. It 's not something I am proud of but something I've tried to deal with for most of my life. For guys, sex is in our hormones and taming this very srong drive requires discipline. Sorry everybody but I'm telling like I see it. It requires a willingness to admit this can become a weakness, a flaw, and a lot of men fall prey to it. I can't speak for your hubby, but this drive started with me at puberty and some guys have a difficult time in dealing with it, me included. I suspect your hubby has hidden this side of himself from you and that this is something he was doing in some form or fashion before he met you. It's his problem not yours.
In my view, the solution is for him to go to you when he wants to have sex, instead of going to the strip club.
This will cause him problems in any future relationship as well until he recognizes HE IS THE PROBLEM.
Life's battles don't always go to the stronger, the smarter, the faster hand; But sooner or later the person who wins is the one who thinks "I can." Author Unknown
http://dp19032k9.webs.com
http://dp19032k9.webs.com
Lynn - I was thinking about your predicament today and wanted to offer something.
I don't believe marriage is disposible. Unless your life is in danger, don't give up.
I'm not saying your husband is innocent or that he's a model husband of course, quite the contrary. There is always hope and if God can wash a murderer's sin clean look what he can do for your husband.
Whether or not you deserve him, you both deserve a fair chance at being good spouses. You each brought something to the marriage that got you together and now each brought something that is ripping you apart.
There is hope. Keep praying and I will too.
I don't believe marriage is disposible. Unless your life is in danger, don't give up.
I'm not saying your husband is innocent or that he's a model husband of course, quite the contrary. There is always hope and if God can wash a murderer's sin clean look what he can do for your husband.
Whether or not you deserve him, you both deserve a fair chance at being good spouses. You each brought something to the marriage that got you together and now each brought something that is ripping you apart.
There is hope. Keep praying and I will too.
Shif.
If you don't like something change it; if you can't change it, change the way you think about it.
If you don't like something change it; if you can't change it, change the way you think about it.
More balance -- this is great! I agree with Shifrah that marriage isn't a commitment to be disposed of lightly, and it really helps in making a decision of this magnitude to know that it's been considered from a variety of perspectives. Presumably the murderer was truly repentant and resolved to change his life before God washed his sin clean?
(Thanks for the vote of confidence, Don. It's good to have acknowledgement.)
Lynn, please be careful of getting caught up in the minutiae. Referring to Lucinda again, we are a group of intelligent and hyper-analytical beings -- catching a detail, personalizing it, and attaching disproportionate meaning to it is part of our make-up and something we need to guard against.
There could be any number of reasons that your husband went to a strip club, many of which have absolutely nothing to do with you or how beautiful and alluring you are! If this was during a period of time that he was out clubbing with friends a lot, it's much more likely that the idea of going to a strip club was something that simply came up one night and he went along with his friends than that he actively decided to defy his religion and go to a strip club because he wasn't feeling turned on enough by you.
Even if he did actively decide to go, to paraphrase Don, men have different drivers and motivators than women do. So I'm speaking from statistics and from listening in on my older brothers' conversations with their friends back when I was a teenager rather than from personal experience, but apparently men think about sex on average every 3 minutes. Even if it were possible, imagine how impractical, counter-productive, and exhausting it would be for us to be constantly sexy and alluring! And as I understand it, most men go to strip clubs because they see it as risky and "on the edge" rather than because they are looking for arousal and/or sex.
If I sound a bit harsh, I don't mean to (ok, perhaps I do want to give you a shake, but it's from a place of loving kindness!). Lynn, this is a classic example of something that we in this forum do very well and are trying to learn to stop doing. And as we all know, it's really easy to see when other people are doing it and really hard to realize when we are doing it ourselves. Go back to your cds, workbooks and handy reminder cards, work the program, and stop personalizing and beating yourself up before you drive yourself mad.
Also, I'd like to reframe one of your points: your husband helped you to find your religion -- that's huge! Your life is more meaningful and fulfilling in a very substantial way because of this man. That he may be a hypocrite is a side issue which has nothing to do with you or your faith, and is probably just another indicator that he really isn't good enough for you.
Be kind to yourself.
(Thanks for the vote of confidence, Don. It's good to have acknowledgement.)
Lynn, please be careful of getting caught up in the minutiae. Referring to Lucinda again, we are a group of intelligent and hyper-analytical beings -- catching a detail, personalizing it, and attaching disproportionate meaning to it is part of our make-up and something we need to guard against.
There could be any number of reasons that your husband went to a strip club, many of which have absolutely nothing to do with you or how beautiful and alluring you are! If this was during a period of time that he was out clubbing with friends a lot, it's much more likely that the idea of going to a strip club was something that simply came up one night and he went along with his friends than that he actively decided to defy his religion and go to a strip club because he wasn't feeling turned on enough by you.
Even if he did actively decide to go, to paraphrase Don, men have different drivers and motivators than women do. So I'm speaking from statistics and from listening in on my older brothers' conversations with their friends back when I was a teenager rather than from personal experience, but apparently men think about sex on average every 3 minutes. Even if it were possible, imagine how impractical, counter-productive, and exhausting it would be for us to be constantly sexy and alluring! And as I understand it, most men go to strip clubs because they see it as risky and "on the edge" rather than because they are looking for arousal and/or sex.
If I sound a bit harsh, I don't mean to (ok, perhaps I do want to give you a shake, but it's from a place of loving kindness!). Lynn, this is a classic example of something that we in this forum do very well and are trying to learn to stop doing. And as we all know, it's really easy to see when other people are doing it and really hard to realize when we are doing it ourselves. Go back to your cds, workbooks and handy reminder cards, work the program, and stop personalizing and beating yourself up before you drive yourself mad.
Also, I'd like to reframe one of your points: your husband helped you to find your religion -- that's huge! Your life is more meaningful and fulfilling in a very substantial way because of this man. That he may be a hypocrite is a side issue which has nothing to do with you or your faith, and is probably just another indicator that he really isn't good enough for you.
Be kind to yourself.
Lynn,
I want to wish you inner peace and love. My heart actually feels like you are doing the right thing. I think many people stick with what is familiar because they are afraid of the unknown.
Just don't forget to focus on you right now and what you need and feel. Don't worry about any one else. Now is the time you have to really stick with this program for support. Take every thing that is happening to you and use it as material for this course. Every time something happens tell yourself this is another test to help me get closer to recovering from my anxiety . By the time this divorce is final you will be cured and better and ready to meet the new world head on.
I want to wish you inner peace and love. My heart actually feels like you are doing the right thing. I think many people stick with what is familiar because they are afraid of the unknown.
Just don't forget to focus on you right now and what you need and feel. Don't worry about any one else. Now is the time you have to really stick with this program for support. Take every thing that is happening to you and use it as material for this course. Every time something happens tell yourself this is another test to help me get closer to recovering from my anxiety . By the time this divorce is final you will be cured and better and ready to meet the new world head on.
-
peaceandjoy7
- Posts: 29
- Joined: Wed Nov 26, 2008 8:55 pm
I am a mess! I went to my old house today to do some laundry and started looking through my husband and I's old photos of getting married and good times, my heart just started to cry. I've been making my five time prayers again and praying to God to help us to help fix us. I love this man so much it hurts in my heart. I can't let seven years slip away like they were nothing. Not all the times we shared. What can I do to mend this? Please help me. I already had divorce papers served to him because he was going to see an attorney and I was afraid he would leave me with nothing, especially because he didn't keep his word about paying off the high hospital bills. I was hoping by doing this I would get some kind of reaction, get him to wake up and smell the coffee, but nothing, he hasn't called me. What can I do? I need some closure before our court date March 10. Should I write him a letter to express how I feel or try to set a time to speak with him? I don't feel like he would speak to me now and it doesn't seem like his friends can help now because when they try he gets angry at them. I don't want to loose this man, I love him. Please help me and give some ideas on how I can handle this. I pray that Allah will make me strong enough to handle all this and that Allah will help heel my husband's heart. Allah is the only one he can put the love between a man and woman so I pray he will be able to help me now.
Lynn, go rent the movie "Fireproof", pray and speak with a marriage counselor for starters. If you seek God with all your heart and your husband does too, He will lead you down the right path. God will never leave you nor forsake you.
Shif.
If you don't like something change it; if you can't change it, change the way you think about it.
If you don't like something change it; if you can't change it, change the way you think about it.