Help! Seems like divorce is lingering in the air

peaceandjoy7 · Post by **peaceandjoy7** » Wed Feb 18, 2009 3:26 pm

I just wanted to give an update on my situation. My husband called me exactly one week later from staying at my Mom's house and said he wanted to talk to me, not about bills, but about us. He said he thinks he wants a divorce because we are two different people and it will never work because we think differently. I asked him to please not give up on me, but he wouldn't even listen to what I had to say. He said we're both good people, and he wants to do everything on good terms because he still cares about me. I told him I still have feelings for him and he said he doesn't for me, but I don't really believe him because in the past he has said he loved me and a week later he seemed to feel differently. I am really sad and it is hard to go on working and having to carry on. The question that I have that is driving me crazy, is why this man is so extreme, why is he all or nothing? It always seems like he is changing. One minute he loves me the next minute he doesn't love me anymore. One minute he wants to continue with me, the next minute he wants a divorce. One minute he likes the fact that I'm religious and I dress modestly, the next minute he wants me to look more "American" looking and look "hot" like other women he sees at the mall he works at. Are some people able to change their feelings in the matter of a heartbeat? Is this being bipolar? How can people change their feelings so fast?

Gman5256 · Post by **Gman5256** » Wed Feb 18, 2009 10:45 pm

Originally posted by peaceandjoy7:
My husband called me exactly one week later from staying at my Mom's house and said ... He said he thinks he wants a divorce because ... I asked him to please not give up on me, but he wouldn't even listen to what I had to say. He said we're both good people, and he wants to do everything on good terms because he still cares about me... I am really sad and it is hard to go on working and having to carry on. The question that I have that is driving me crazy, is why this man is so extreme, why is he all or nothing? It always seems like he is changing...

Hi Lynn,

Thank you for getting back to us. I am sorry for you are going through. First, I think you let the discuss on the phone go too far. Your husband is still young and immature, and you had to have your talk with him as I had mentioned in an earlier post; face to face.

What I was getting at, would have placed you in a position of greater control. It would have been very difficult for your husband to be looking at a beautiful, relaxed, in control person in the public and act like a jerk. Being in public would have put you both on your best behavior. Do you see that now?

That being said, I think your husband is confused, and really doesn't know what he wants. You say this yourself when you describe the different things he says. I tend to agree with you more about your husband because you know him better than anyone here.

You ask, how can people change their feelings so fast? I tend to think that when they are this way, they don't really know what they want. Back off a little, and he will contact you again. Next time he does, don't discuss anything over the phone other that make arrangements to meet him at a mutually agreeable location.

Try not to focus too much on your feeling and listen to him very closely. Let him get off his chest what is really bothering him. You never know, he might just be home sick and needs to go visit his family. When you go off on the emotional end, he is afraid to say things that may hurt you, but he lashes out with emotion of his own.

When he opens up and tells you stuff, show him that you can empathize with his dilemma. I know it maybe hard for you, but this is what he wants. He wants to be heard, and as long as he sees the focus of your attention is on you, it only frustrates him.

Men and most people for that matter, do not usually want to talk about things that are really bothering them, unless they fully trust the person they are talking to. Otherwise, they feel that they are making themselves vulnerable.

You have to make him feel that he can trust you, and then he will confess to you what is really bothering him. If you do otherwise, you will never really know and all you will end up doing is speculating, guessing and projecting, and then come the what ifs. And worse, frustrating him, because he will feel your focus is still on you.

Your marital situation may or may not work out the way you'd like. In any case, you are still in your safe place. I wish I could tell you more of what I think about this situation, but I suspect there is a lot more to know and think about. You can PM or email me and I will even give you my cell number if you need it to talk to someone. I wish I could reach through this computer screen and give you a reassuring hug.

Please try to keep yourself occupied, distracted, relaxed, and patient. You are a good person, and God loves you and your husband and no matter what; God can turn any situation and make it turn out for what is best for all of us.

In His Love- Hugs,

Gman5256

Howard R · Post by **Howard R** » Thu Feb 19, 2009 3:39 am

Hi Lynn, I am really sorry to hear about the divorce.I do not know how old you are but your husbands is acting like he is about twenty. Your husband does not know what he wants. I am really saddened that he can not take you for who you are. I know from experience , I have a wonderful wife of twenty two years. I put her through hell. I went through this period in my life when drugs and alcohol more important than my family and friends. I was really confused it took me along time to grow up. Eventually I grew up. My wife stuck with me through thick and thin. I will be the first to tell you I was a selfish pig.After reading your latest comment I am bothered. You mention that you wish he would not give up on you. Lynn, it is not all you your husband also has serious issues. As I mentioned before you need to concentrate on yourself. You can not fix your husband unless you fix yourself first. At this point in time he is holding back your personal recovery.I promise you once you take care of yourself things will fall into place. This may or may not include your husband. I do not mean to get religious but God has a plan for all of us and maybe your husband is not part of the plan. I hope this helps and I really wish the best. God will not give you anything you cannot handle. Take care Howard

Don57 · Post by **Don57** » Thu Feb 19, 2009 8:23 am

I am really sad and it is hard to go on working and having to carry on. The question that I have that is driving me crazy, is why this man is so extreme, why is he all or nothing? It always seems like he is changing. One minute he loves me the next minute he doesn't love me anymore. One minute he wants to continue with me, the next minute he wants a divorce. One minute he likes the fact that I'm religious and I dress modestly, the next minute he wants me to look more "American" looking and look "hot" like other women he sees at the mall he works at.

First of all I want to say you can't but like a guy like Gman. I wish my concept of God was still like his is, but it's not, unfortunately. I hope he is right and I am wrong in that respect.

Lynn, I think you are too concerned about what your husband thinks about you, how you look, what you wear, how you behave. Work on being YOU, not what or who others want or desire you to be. Work on becoming LYNN, get in touch with what SHE wants and desires for HERSELF which is not dependent upon another person. Dependency is not a bad thing in itself, but we can be overly dependent upon other's opinions to the point that our self esteem is not "self" esteem but "other" esteem. In other words, instead of us valuing ourselves based upon what we think, we value ourselves and base our self worth upon what others think of us. When we do this, our emotional stability is no longer under our control but at the mercy of others. It doesn't work that way.

No one can make you feel bad, generally speaking, unless you give away your power that only you posess to the other person. Your self esteem is not dependent upon what your husband thinks about you. It is dependent upon what you think about yourself.

It appears to me that in the U.S. some women have gotten the mistaken idea that when a man seeks to provide for her and protect her, that includes giving him power over her self esteem as well. Wrong. Your emotional stability should never be in the hands of anyone but yourself.

Tell the critic inside of you, and anybody else who is critical of you to go to Hades. You are a complete person by yourself with a God given worth which is not dependent upon anything or anyone.

The program can help you believe this and help you to develop this from inside of you.

I hope you and your husband can work things out, but either way, you can be whole and feel good about yourself. You are not a puppet on a string.

*D* · Post by ***D*** » Thu Feb 19, 2009 9:17 am

lynn,
you asked if someone can change their mind from one minute to the next ? yep it happens.and those that are bipolar do the same thing.you know something that I see in him is something that some men do. they are never happy and as long as they are not happy they do not want you to be.it is good that you found out about this while you are younger and not haveto know when you have been married 30 some years.
mariage is between 2 people.in sickness and health.as far as spending money that is something that women do and men as well.just because you spent alot one time do not let it bother you.some would be happy to have money that hey could spend.
you said as well that your mother called him to have him call you.
if you want this marriage to work and if he does as well. seek a pastor or a counselor.that way it will not be one sided as he said she said.I will pray for you and your husband that God will intervien in your marriage.only you can make the decision to terminate it.we can give you what we think would be beast. but we are only trying to help. if you want it to work then hang in ther and if he does too then both of you can make it work. be blessed.
don

peaceandjoy7 · Post by **peaceandjoy7** » Fri Feb 20, 2009 1:39 pm

Thank you all for all your wonderful thought and ideas, I feel like I have a circle of friends available in a difficult time. I have decided that what we have is in the past, he is not the man I first married. As much as it hurts, I must let go and move on and hopefully meet another more religious man who will sweep me off my feet. I love my husband with all my heart, but he doesn't have forgiveness in his heart as he should. I am Muslim woman. I converted to the faith about four years ago because I fell in love with it and forgiveness in my religion as with Judaism or Christianity is a very important factor and this man just can't find it within him to do this, although I have forgiven him time and time again when he was vile to me and said he didn't love me any more and has told me over and over again he wants to divorce me. It has been now one week and five days since I have left my house and his story keeps changing. Few days ago he wanted to have the divorce on good terms going to one lawyer to settle everything, than a few days later he was saying he wanted to do it without a lawyer and go to the court and file the paperwork, he also had agreed to pay off our hospital bills. Before I did anything rash I wanted to check in with him one more time to see where his mindset was since he changes from minute to minute and he said we have two choices, go to his lawyer because I don't have much money or we can do the paperwork ourselves, or if I want he can have his own lawyer and I have my own. Than he mentioned he has an appt. on Monday to meet with his lawyer. He is not a very kind man to me, he never asks me how I'm doing. I have really bad anxiety because of all this. I actually am taking Atenonol for people who have high blood pressure and heart arrythmias because my heart occasionally palpitates which is really scary. I've had EKG's and I had heart monitors worn, and even an echo cardiagram and my heart is fine. I believe this happens because of all the stress I have. If I stay with this man he will make me sick. I need to be loved, I deserved to be really truely loved, I need to feel wanted, appreciated, safe, warm, and I must feel kindnes in my husband's heart. I must feel that I am his queen in our house and he must support me in my job, if I can have a baby or not, etc. This man I am with can't do this for me. He makes me feel depressed, down on life like it is terrible, he makes me feel bad about myself because getting pregnant is difficult for me because my tubes are almost blocked up. Most of all I need a good religious man who will be the teacher or Imam in my house. He will want me to pray, go to the mosque, give charity, and dress modestly. He will be so proud of me if I do this. I believe in my heart that God or Alllah in Arabic has a better plan for me,I believe he wants me to be happy and to feel loved and how can a woman feel loved when her husband says all the time he doesn't love her and wants a divorce. I'm not perfect, but I definitely too good a woman to deserve this.
Times are hard, but I must be strong and believe in my faith in God that someone out there is better for me. I must believe I will be okay, I also must start to listen to my Stress and Anxiety CD's again and work on the workbooks to help me. I'm not in my twenties any more, but I'm only 33 and I still have the rest of my life ahead of me. I must accept that I can't change my husband he is the way he is. I only pray that some day his heart will be softened and he will be finally happy in life, because so far the only time I have seen him happy is when he was back home with his family. I hope that someday he will come back to the straight and narrow path and follow his faith again, but for now he is the way he is and there is nothing I can do.

traveller · Post by **traveller** » Tue Feb 24, 2009 2:00 am

Hi Lynn

I don't even know you, but I am so proud of you! Just in the space of this thread, you have shifted from miserable, powerless and surrounded by destructive negativity to a place where you are grounded and back in touch with what is truly important to you -- it is so wonderful to hear your courage and strength of character!

It's very sad that your marriage is over, but I am so very glad to hear you take your power and choice back. You've had great, well-balanced perspectives and advice from so many caring people here -- what a thoughtful and loving community! You deserve to feel loved, to live in your faith, and to feel safe and relaxed in your own home. It's really not too much to ask for. Neither is kindness too much to ask for. And the ability to forgive goes hand in hand with love.

Bipolar, emotionally-abusive, immature and confused, or a pig.... whatever is up with your husband, he needs to recognize it as a problem before he'll do anything to change. Nothing you could ever do would make a difference if that recognition isn't there, and your accepting of that as the unfortunate truth takes a tremendous amount of strength.

So, mixed emotions... I'm sorry about your marriage because it sounds as though you loved him deeply, and Wow! and You rock! for getting back in touch with your values and true self with such clarity and determination.

You're an amazing woman!

peaceandjoy7 · Post by **peaceandjoy7** » Tue Feb 24, 2009 5:11 pm

Thank you so much for your kind reply, today has been a really stressful day for me. My husband is going to be served his papers tomorrow morning at 7am and I'm so nervous about this. I didn't want it to come to this, but I had no choice. If I hadn't reacted to his asking for a divorce knowing he was already seeing a lawyer in a few days, he probably would leave me with nothing. He promised to pay off our hospital bills with the tax return money than he changed his story because when I talked to him a few days days ago he said he was going to use it for the lawyer fee. At this point in time I felt like I needed someone to be on my side and protect my rights.
When he gets served tomorrow, he may either be really angry that I'm a woman and I did this and never speak to me again, or he may get the shock of his life and try to slither his way back to me. I never know with him since his feelings are always changing. As much as I know I'm doing the right thing, I am conflicted because after seven years I still love him. It is hard to think of being alone without a man to support me. I don't mean to sound weak, but having someone to come home to is a wonderful thing. I'm also scared because I'm 33 and I have nothing. I don't even have kids yet! Usually, men want to marry a younger woman. Please help me, I'm so stressed and confused. I have no idea what tomorrow will bring. Although it seems like the divorce is inevitable, some how it seems like it can't be.

l[z · Post by **l[z** » Tue Feb 24, 2009 6:02 pm

Youv'e already been given lots of good advice.At this point I guess what I can offer to you is my suport and prayers.When I feel overwhelmed with a seemingly impossible situation I lean on God.He is my strenght in my weekness.
I'm glad for you that you have this forum where you can reach out to people whom you know really care reguardless of the fact that most if not all don't know you except for having met you here.

I'm new here and can honestly say I've already met some wonderfully caring people.I feel their concern.I'm sure you do too.

I'll remember you in prayer

Liz

Gman5256 · Post by **Gman5256** » Wed Feb 25, 2009 2:53 am

Hi Lynn,

Since the events have turned to divorce, I would suggest that you need to have your own lawyer to make sure that your interest are best served.

You might want to start here:

http://www.the-divorce-directory.com/

I am so sorry that it has come to this, but I hope and pray that no matter what God protect you in all your comings and goings, and that He will be your constant companion, consoler, and comforter, richly bless you and provide for your every need.