Originally posted by doogiet:
The flipside to this is that my brain keeps barking at me that "I'll never find someone else like her, etc." I know that the last part is probably negative thinking, but it's hard to shake after thinking this way for so long.[/quote]
Hi Doogie: It's been an interesting journey keeping track of all the posts on this topic, and I'm glad you're doing well.
You are correct, you probably won't find another person like her. There are no two people exactly alike in this world, and that's probably a good thing. Faith said it best, and I can't add a single word, except to say that from my personal experience, you probably wouldn't want a person exactly like her.
When my husband died, I started comparing every one who came into my life with him. It certainly wasn't fair to them, and it wasn't fair to me, either. This lead to several disastrous relationshiips.
It took me a long time to realize that the person he was wouldn't work in my life now. Had he lived, he would have changed and grown as we all do, and he and I would probably still be married. However, that's all just conjecture.
The person you will find will better fit your life and the person that you are becoming. You will see. It may not happen today or tomorrow, but you're young and it will happen.
All the best for your continued growth and recovery.
Lucinda is dead wrong on this...
Well, I broke up with my girlfriend today. I'm trying very hard not to beat myself up about it. I went for two walks, worked out at the gym, played some Street Fighter and have been listening to Lucinda. I'm shaking now and I was shaking when I wrote the email.
I know that writing an email probably isn't the best way to do it, but I'm much more open and honest with people over email, and it's better for me to do it over email than to prolong what isn't working.
I have nothing bad to say about her (besides living in the basement, etc.) I mean, I'm not the person I once was. I'm trying my very hardest not to run straight back to her, to my parents, or to other people in my life and transfer all of my dependency to them. I want to be friends with her, but that probably won't happen in the short term. I guess these first few hours are the hardest.
To MC Grace (Hammer): I don't know how to amend the subject title. If you want to start another thread on my disbelief in God, feel free and I'll join in. I don't think you'll get anywhere, though. My atheism is pretty strong.
Does anyone have any advice on how to handle these next few hours/days/weeks?
I know that writing an email probably isn't the best way to do it, but I'm much more open and honest with people over email, and it's better for me to do it over email than to prolong what isn't working.
I have nothing bad to say about her (besides living in the basement, etc.) I mean, I'm not the person I once was. I'm trying my very hardest not to run straight back to her, to my parents, or to other people in my life and transfer all of my dependency to them. I want to be friends with her, but that probably won't happen in the short term. I guess these first few hours are the hardest.
To MC Grace (Hammer): I don't know how to amend the subject title. If you want to start another thread on my disbelief in God, feel free and I'll join in. I don't think you'll get anywhere, though. My atheism is pretty strong.
Does anyone have any advice on how to handle these next few hours/days/weeks?
Thinking from my own experience, just realize that guilt is going to be there. That was the hardest for me and feeling low and like a louse. But the truth is, and I have told my son this also, we don't know how a relationship is going to turn out when it is started. We do the best we can and see how it goes. If it's not for us, it's not for us. The same with the other person. There really shouldn't be any guilt or low feelings, but I guess it's natural to an extent. But with folks like us it can go to the extreme. Don't beat yourself up. No one is to blame. Try and keep yourself busy with whatever you can. Journaling would be a good idea as well. Write down the negative thoughts and then seek to counter them with truth and compassionate thoughts. It takes a while for journaling to become effective but it does work. Tell yourself you've taken a big step forward toward recovery and becoming who you really are inside. Congratulations, doogiet. What you did took a lot of courage.
Life's battles don't always go to the stronger, the smarter, the faster hand; But sooner or later the person who wins is the one who thinks "I can." Author Unknown
http://dp19032k9.webs.com
http://dp19032k9.webs.com
-
NinjaFrodo
- Posts: 1263
- Joined: Wed Aug 18, 2004 3:00 am
Dooglet
That's great that you took such a big step, you should be proud of yourself. The way I take this is you disregarded your anxiety and said Hey I don't like where i'm at right now and it's time to do something about it...It is new territory and yes it can feel uncomfortable and it's only normal to want to go back to the "old" ways and that's alright. My suggestion would be to accept that you feel this way, understand why and focus on your accomplishments and the goals you have for yourself. You may even have to allow yourself to play some videogames to get through or possibly some time with the old pencil and paper.
Mike
That's great that you took such a big step, you should be proud of yourself. The way I take this is you disregarded your anxiety and said Hey I don't like where i'm at right now and it's time to do something about it...It is new territory and yes it can feel uncomfortable and it's only normal to want to go back to the "old" ways and that's alright. My suggestion would be to accept that you feel this way, understand why and focus on your accomplishments and the goals you have for yourself. You may even have to allow yourself to play some videogames to get through or possibly some time with the old pencil and paper.
That's funny because MC are my initials. I also wanted to say that I can understand where you come from with your disbelief in god. I mean just how you were brought up with parents who were really strict when it came to religeon. Everybody has the right to believe in whatever they want and it doesn't even have to correspond with other people's beliefs...heck you could start worshipping crackers if you want to.To MC Grace (Hammer):
Mike
Here is the link to the Letting Go thread which is designated for venting
http://forum.stresscenter.com/viewtopic ... 52&t=25087
You can follow me on Twitter, same username or check out my blog
http://ninjafrodo.blogspot.com/
http://forum.stresscenter.com/viewtopic ... 52&t=25087
You can follow me on Twitter, same username or check out my blog
http://ninjafrodo.blogspot.com/
well, MC is like "emcee". . . that's fun that they're Mike's initials, too. i like the hammer thing--it reminds me of good, hard communal work (yes, i've heard of mc hammer 
)
as far as other things, like how we found StressCenter.com. . . i'll have to try to get to that later. keep up the good work!
)as far as other things, like how we found StressCenter.com. . . i'll have to try to get to that later. keep up the good work!
I will sing unto the LORD, because he hath dealt bountifully with me.
Psalm 13:6
Psalm 13:6
doogiet,
as far as how i found (got) the StressCenter.com program . . . (by the way, i would've totally missed that question in your post, doogiet, if Mike hadn't mentioned it. it's kinda hidden there.). . .
I don't remember exactly. it's been about 4 years, now.
i remember hearing lucinda a bunch, speaking in radio commercials for the Stress progam and seeing a tv infomercial. then i was on the road one day, with my folks (during on of my mildly agoraphobic phases)--it was tense and frustrating, let me tell you--and the commercial came on the radio of a Christian station that my dad liked (and I hated).
but i'd heard the commercial and remember thinking "well, at least there'll be something comforting on this station for a minute or two".
so anyway, my father surprised me by offering to get the program for me, if I was interested. since i did want the program, didn't feel ready to make the financial leap, yet wanted some role in it, i asked if we could split it. he agreed.
so that's the shorter version of how I ended up with it. i don't know if that answers your question. . . .
it seems you've had it awhile yourself. have you ever gone all the way through as suggested?
(i actually had to toss most of it recently, because the audio tapes, little blue cards, and most of my notebook got messed up in the last building i was living in. i plan to replace it. . . ).
but the other day i was excited to StressCenter.com videos that had been tucked away in a closet at my parents--there were also a few lessons there that i'd ripped out of the notebook (including all of lesson 3, a cornerstone--yipee..!)--
anyways--i thought of you when watching the lessons 10. i really think, from what you shared, that as you go through lessons 6-10, especially 7 (?)--and during those weeks use activities from lesson 3 as "enrichment" activities, as suggested, you'll really see yourself letting go of more negative habits and replacing them with positive ones.
speaking of habits, i hope you are finding some time to reflect on and appreciate your current singleness (a lost of the activities can help with this--maybe try a new one each day to help fill your time). and i hope you are not only resting but also keeping yourself a little busy by trying some "new-to-you" positive activities.
as far as how i found (got) the StressCenter.com program . . . (by the way, i would've totally missed that question in your post, doogiet, if Mike hadn't mentioned it. it's kinda hidden there.). . .
I don't remember exactly. it's been about 4 years, now.
i remember hearing lucinda a bunch, speaking in radio commercials for the Stress progam and seeing a tv infomercial. then i was on the road one day, with my folks (during on of my mildly agoraphobic phases)--it was tense and frustrating, let me tell you--and the commercial came on the radio of a Christian station that my dad liked (and I hated).
but i'd heard the commercial and remember thinking "well, at least there'll be something comforting on this station for a minute or two".
so anyway, my father surprised me by offering to get the program for me, if I was interested. since i did want the program, didn't feel ready to make the financial leap, yet wanted some role in it, i asked if we could split it. he agreed.
so that's the shorter version of how I ended up with it. i don't know if that answers your question. . . .
it seems you've had it awhile yourself. have you ever gone all the way through as suggested?
(i actually had to toss most of it recently, because the audio tapes, little blue cards, and most of my notebook got messed up in the last building i was living in. i plan to replace it. . . ).
but the other day i was excited to StressCenter.com videos that had been tucked away in a closet at my parents--there were also a few lessons there that i'd ripped out of the notebook (including all of lesson 3, a cornerstone--yipee..!)--
anyways--i thought of you when watching the lessons 10. i really think, from what you shared, that as you go through lessons 6-10, especially 7 (?)--and during those weeks use activities from lesson 3 as "enrichment" activities, as suggested, you'll really see yourself letting go of more negative habits and replacing them with positive ones.
speaking of habits, i hope you are finding some time to reflect on and appreciate your current singleness (a lost of the activities can help with this--maybe try a new one each day to help fill your time). and i hope you are not only resting but also keeping yourself a little busy by trying some "new-to-you" positive activities.
I will sing unto the LORD, because he hath dealt bountifully with me.
Psalm 13:6
Psalm 13:6
I've had Lucinda's program since around 1994, when it was on cassette tape. I've listened to it I don't know how many times. I think the first few times or so it didn't help me because I was in way, way too deep with the panic, and in my completely screwed up household. I've since upgraded to the CD version, and it's been interesting to hear how it's changed since then. It didn't used to be "Combatting Stress and Depression Program," it was just "Attacking Anxiety." Her attitudes towards medication has changed, too, and there are some subtle shifts in her thinking. I recognize many of the stories from the 1994 version (like David giving a speech, the use of the term "positive stroking"), etc. I think I remember it so well because of my OCD.
The first time I finished the program back in 1994, I remember reaching the end and hearing the last tape and thinking, "What was I supposed to learn, exactly? I didn't learn anything, I'm still panicking, and all I heard were people talking." (For some reason the line, "But I have a Master's Degree" sticks out at me). I used to draw pictures of Lucinda as I listened to the tapes. I think I have them around here somewhere. I've watched her hairstyles change over the years, too, and I have her book. I think I have a VHS tape with her on it somewhere around here, too.
It's funny how the first few times I listened to the older program it had no effect on me whatsoever. I'm not trying to disparage her in any way, though. It was like someone, I dunno, trying to give me mouth-to-mouth when I needed a scuba tank. So, yeah, it did nothing.
Back in 1994, when I was at my worst, I went to see a doctor. He put me on 80 mg (!) of Prozac a day and told me there was a chemical imbalance in my brain. There was no talk of CBT, no talk of boundaries, relationships, self-esteem, self-talk, assertiveness, nothing. He literally just gave me a prescription and showed me the door. I was so, so anxious that I didn't even question anything. I just nodded and started taking what's now amounted to over 15,000 Prozac tablets. It made me slightly less anxious, it made me completely tired, it gave me horrible (horrible) stomach cramps. But I just smiled and nodded and took it because he was one of the best doctors in town and this was his cure.
Things went on like that for about 11 years until a friend suggested I could probably ease my stomach cramps by lowering the dose. That was a huge, huge, revelation. Suddenly I didn't need to scout out every washroom wherever I went.
At one point I had a terrible time sleeping, so another doctor put me on a drug (I can't remember the name) which was also an SSRI. I didn't think anything of it, but the second drug combined with the Prozac led to an episode of Serotonin Syndrome, where my body freaked out. I started shaking, vomiting, having diarrhea, was weak, fell to the floor, was freezing cold, and basically thought I was going to die. When that went away, I never took the second drug again.
I didn't really learn about CBT (besides Lucinda, who I had abandoned) until 2005, when I got salmonella while at school in England. The ensuing diarrhea lasted for three days, but what I didn't know was because of all the vomiting/toilet racing, my Prozac was running through my body without being metabolized. So there I was, sick as hell, too anxious to call an ambulance (because what would people think?), and unable to sleep because of my fluctuating serotonin levels, basically expecting death. I caught a 9 hour flight back home (which was hell) and went to see my doctor.
That was pretty much the breaking point. I decided that I would look into CBT. I read Dr. Burns's book and it completely knocked my socks off.
I returned to school and everything was (somewhat) fine until I ran into my arch-nemesis, the 1986 movie The Fly on the BBC. I've never been technically diagnosed with PTSD, but I think it's fair to say I had it as a child from this film (see this link for more on how this movie affected me):
<A HREF="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0091064/boa ... /116015929)" TARGET=_blank>http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0091064/boa ... /116015929)</A>
That set me off having panic attacks again. I'd panic while I was sleeping, and wake up into a panic attack. At that point I called it quits and moved back home and started therapy with a psychologist.
THEN, The Fly was turned into an opera this past year, which set me off having panic attacks _again_. More pictures in the paper, more interviews on television, etc. The death blow to all of this (if you didn't read my link) was that the lead actor in the opera is actually a guy who roughed me up in high school, when I was at my absolute worst.
So, basically:
Horror movie destroys me as a child, panic ensues, mis-treated for years, horrible cramps, life ruined, opportunities missed, 15,000 Prozac tablets, messed up family dynamics, untrustworthy of beautiful women because of my evil sister, roughed up and bullied in high school (by two people), beaten up and hospitalized at university (I skipped that), Serotonin Syndrome, salmonella, and an ex-bully is literally transformed into my worst childhood nightmare that caused PTSD.
So that's my story. I didn't mean to type all that, but here we are. I guess that answers Lynnier's question, too.
The first time I finished the program back in 1994, I remember reaching the end and hearing the last tape and thinking, "What was I supposed to learn, exactly? I didn't learn anything, I'm still panicking, and all I heard were people talking." (For some reason the line, "But I have a Master's Degree" sticks out at me). I used to draw pictures of Lucinda as I listened to the tapes. I think I have them around here somewhere. I've watched her hairstyles change over the years, too, and I have her book. I think I have a VHS tape with her on it somewhere around here, too.
It's funny how the first few times I listened to the older program it had no effect on me whatsoever. I'm not trying to disparage her in any way, though. It was like someone, I dunno, trying to give me mouth-to-mouth when I needed a scuba tank. So, yeah, it did nothing.
Back in 1994, when I was at my worst, I went to see a doctor. He put me on 80 mg (!) of Prozac a day and told me there was a chemical imbalance in my brain. There was no talk of CBT, no talk of boundaries, relationships, self-esteem, self-talk, assertiveness, nothing. He literally just gave me a prescription and showed me the door. I was so, so anxious that I didn't even question anything. I just nodded and started taking what's now amounted to over 15,000 Prozac tablets. It made me slightly less anxious, it made me completely tired, it gave me horrible (horrible) stomach cramps. But I just smiled and nodded and took it because he was one of the best doctors in town and this was his cure.
Things went on like that for about 11 years until a friend suggested I could probably ease my stomach cramps by lowering the dose. That was a huge, huge, revelation. Suddenly I didn't need to scout out every washroom wherever I went.
At one point I had a terrible time sleeping, so another doctor put me on a drug (I can't remember the name) which was also an SSRI. I didn't think anything of it, but the second drug combined with the Prozac led to an episode of Serotonin Syndrome, where my body freaked out. I started shaking, vomiting, having diarrhea, was weak, fell to the floor, was freezing cold, and basically thought I was going to die. When that went away, I never took the second drug again.
I didn't really learn about CBT (besides Lucinda, who I had abandoned) until 2005, when I got salmonella while at school in England. The ensuing diarrhea lasted for three days, but what I didn't know was because of all the vomiting/toilet racing, my Prozac was running through my body without being metabolized. So there I was, sick as hell, too anxious to call an ambulance (because what would people think?), and unable to sleep because of my fluctuating serotonin levels, basically expecting death. I caught a 9 hour flight back home (which was hell) and went to see my doctor.
That was pretty much the breaking point. I decided that I would look into CBT. I read Dr. Burns's book and it completely knocked my socks off.
I returned to school and everything was (somewhat) fine until I ran into my arch-nemesis, the 1986 movie The Fly on the BBC. I've never been technically diagnosed with PTSD, but I think it's fair to say I had it as a child from this film (see this link for more on how this movie affected me):
<A HREF="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0091064/boa ... /116015929)" TARGET=_blank>http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0091064/boa ... /116015929)</A>
That set me off having panic attacks again. I'd panic while I was sleeping, and wake up into a panic attack. At that point I called it quits and moved back home and started therapy with a psychologist.
THEN, The Fly was turned into an opera this past year, which set me off having panic attacks _again_. More pictures in the paper, more interviews on television, etc. The death blow to all of this (if you didn't read my link) was that the lead actor in the opera is actually a guy who roughed me up in high school, when I was at my absolute worst.
So, basically:
Horror movie destroys me as a child, panic ensues, mis-treated for years, horrible cramps, life ruined, opportunities missed, 15,000 Prozac tablets, messed up family dynamics, untrustworthy of beautiful women because of my evil sister, roughed up and bullied in high school (by two people), beaten up and hospitalized at university (I skipped that), Serotonin Syndrome, salmonella, and an ex-bully is literally transformed into my worst childhood nightmare that caused PTSD.
So that's my story. I didn't mean to type all that, but here we are. I guess that answers Lynnier's question, too.
it takes more than listening. . .
(i think of "the program" as a "course". the word "program" is distant for me--whereas "course" suggests a certain structure that i crave. sometimes i think of an obstacle course that i did that was very intimidating and an exciting, scary journey --that was ultimately rewarding. but that's just me and my associations.)
anyways, are you listening to the program and relating it to yourself? accepting some of what applies to you. . . ? acting on a suggestion or two?
are you reading through the program and writing in response? are you doing this in a fairly consistent way?
are you going through sequentially?
this program/course can probably serve as really good motivation, so that you can get up and start your day in a good way.
maybe start your day with some stretching, the relaxation, a good breakfast. . . and do the days' work on the lesson you're in. . . . it's a place to start.
you'll probably need to tweak your routine, and attitude, along the way, a few times at least--but you are up to it.
you can learn to trust yourself.
there will be little "failures" along the way, but they'll lead to success. do not be afraid to fail.
try to not be too afraid of inevitable stumbles along the way. every step forward really brings you forward--even if not as quickly as you might like.
invest your effort in this-you are worth it.
you really don't have anything to lose.
you're in a great phase -- on the cusp of a breakthrough.
if you aren't sure how to fill your days right now, with the unemployment and singleness--why not make this your work and yourself your "best friend". . . ?
personally, i probably won't be on as much--as family will be swirling around as Christmas gets closer -- and i work a seasonal job that's taking up more time . . . but i will keep rooting for you and try to check in -- of course, there are lots of other folks here that care, too.
now please, work the program (and not just the forums).
also, the Stress program is a group effort, remember--even if lucinda is sort of the face of the program. so maybe take some of the focus off of her. . . . what about you? do the relaxation sessions help you? are you able to "let go" enough?have you ever gone all the way through as suggested?
(i think of "the program" as a "course". the word "program" is distant for me--whereas "course" suggests a certain structure that i crave. sometimes i think of an obstacle course that i did that was very intimidating and an exciting, scary journey --that was ultimately rewarding. but that's just me and my associations.)
anyways, are you listening to the program and relating it to yourself? accepting some of what applies to you. . . ? acting on a suggestion or two?
are you reading through the program and writing in response? are you doing this in a fairly consistent way?
are you going through sequentially?
this program/course can probably serve as really good motivation, so that you can get up and start your day in a good way.
maybe start your day with some stretching, the relaxation, a good breakfast. . . and do the days' work on the lesson you're in. . . . it's a place to start.
you'll probably need to tweak your routine, and attitude, along the way, a few times at least--but you are up to it.
you can learn to trust yourself.
there will be little "failures" along the way, but they'll lead to success. do not be afraid to fail.
try to not be too afraid of inevitable stumbles along the way. every step forward really brings you forward--even if not as quickly as you might like.
invest your effort in this-you are worth it.
you really don't have anything to lose.
you're in a great phase -- on the cusp of a breakthrough.
if you aren't sure how to fill your days right now, with the unemployment and singleness--why not make this your work and yourself your "best friend". . . ?
personally, i probably won't be on as much--as family will be swirling around as Christmas gets closer -- and i work a seasonal job that's taking up more time . . . but i will keep rooting for you and try to check in -- of course, there are lots of other folks here that care, too.
now please, work the program (and not just the forums).
I will sing unto the LORD, because he hath dealt bountifully with me.
Psalm 13:6
Psalm 13:6
Wow, MC Grace. Thank you so, so much for this. The idea of making this my work, to actually start writing down my thoughts and contradicting them, to quit "working the forums" and work on my self. I found the workbook and I'm going to go through it again and use this time I have to work on myself.
I was actually really depressed and stomachy this afternoon, then I thought, "Okay, okay, I'll write down my thoughts (on paper, not with the computer). I actually felt my mood change as I wrote them. Then I had a happy nap instead of a depressed, "the world sucks" nap.
I carry a notepad around with me anyway (because I'm a writer), but maybe I should get a bigger one.
I think I've hit on another cognitive distortion (or my own name for it): Fantasy. I know in the past (particularly with my obsession about beautiful women) that I have tons of thoughts along the lines of, "If only I could date Jennifer Aniston/Natalie Brown, etc." all my problems would be solved. So I've added that to my list.
I need to go get groceries and clean. This is the best I've felt since the breakup.
I was actually really depressed and stomachy this afternoon, then I thought, "Okay, okay, I'll write down my thoughts (on paper, not with the computer). I actually felt my mood change as I wrote them. Then I had a happy nap instead of a depressed, "the world sucks" nap.
I carry a notepad around with me anyway (because I'm a writer), but maybe I should get a bigger one.
I think I've hit on another cognitive distortion (or my own name for it): Fantasy. I know in the past (particularly with my obsession about beautiful women) that I have tons of thoughts along the lines of, "If only I could date Jennifer Aniston/Natalie Brown, etc." all my problems would be solved. So I've added that to my list.
I need to go get groceries and clean. This is the best I've felt since the breakup.