Hi everyone. I can't tell you how glad I am that I found this because I have been going through the exact same thing. I have been making myself insane. It is ALL I can think about. I never had this fear of HIV until a few months ago. I have since then convinced myself that just about everybody I know is HIV+ and I've somehow gotten it from all of them.
It started when I made out with some guy that I really don't know that well. We didn't do anything more than that, but I made myself believe that he had blood in his mouth and it got in mine. Then, I was out one night when I cut my finger on something. I didn't cover it up or anything. I started freaking out the day after because I was SO SURE that I somehow got somebody else's blood in my cut. After that, I gave one of my friends a goodbye peck on the lips. I got my lipgloss on him, so I wiped it off with my finger. Ever since then I've been thinking that he had could've had blood on his lips and I touched it. I am also freaked out by public bathrooms. Or even the bathrooms at my friend's house. I flush the toilet atleast two times before I use it, just to make sure there is nothing in it that could possibly get on me.
I had a fever and a bad cough one day. My friend was sick and coughing all over me before that, so I just assumed I got it from her. I also got a rash on my stomach a while after that. I wasn't really sure of what it was, but I figured it was just the lotion I was using or something. I then started searching for HIV symptoms online. A fever? Check. A cough? Check. Rash? Check. To me, that was all the proof I needed. I was convinced (and still am) that I had HIV.
This is all a bit embarrassing to me because I've never admitted this to anybody else. I found this forum, and I just felt the need to get all of this off my chest in hopes that you'd all understand and could maybe talk to me a little bit. Honestly, I don't even have fun when I go out anymore because I am constantly thinking about this. I search online frantically trying to find out about symptoms and then convincing myself I have all of them. Part of me wants to get tested just so I can get rid of all of this anxiety. But then another part of me doesn't want to because then that makes this all real and not just some irrational fear I have created in my mind. And I know if I were to get tested and it was negative, I would find another situation within minutes and convince myself the same things over and over again. I don't know what to do anymore.
Sorry this was so long! Thanks to anybody that actually reads this.
HIV anxiety????
hey there
I experienced this anxiety too but with the fear that my food had been contaminated with a chef who had a cut or something and the thoughts kept intensifying. I knew right then I was suffering from OCD. Because the AIDS virus cannot survive for long in the air it is unlikely you contracted HIV. Firstly, was there even a prick on your finger? Without your finger drawing blood you definately did not contract anything.
SECONDLY and this is VERY IMPORTANT TO REMEMBER...
because you worry about contracting the virus and have been worrying about it for a very long time the fear is in your mind so even when you arent concentrated on your fear it is still in the back of your mind waiting to emerge... and so because you are on high alert and the fear is still there you will automatically interpret all situations being related to contracting AIDS even when there are missing links. i know that at times it seems as though your thoughts are rational and u could very well contract aids but the possibility that the blood was contaminated, etc. is also another factor to consider because not every person on this planet lives with AIDS or HIV
and you may think "well what if it so happens to be that the blood i came into contact with WAS contaminated?" but i am here to tell you that that is your anxiety taking over... the what ifs... so many ppl are faced with AIDS and HIV and do not contract it and a health professional can tell you that
AIDS is also a weak disease in the sense that it is so hard to contract in the open, fluids need to be exchanged directly from body to body (i.e. sex) in most circumstances so it is unlikely that dried blood or a needle could have contaminated you because the blood (if on the needle) is likely dried and the disease has already died (AIDS and HIV cannot survive the conditions of the atmosphere)
I experienced this anxiety too but with the fear that my food had been contaminated with a chef who had a cut or something and the thoughts kept intensifying. I knew right then I was suffering from OCD. Because the AIDS virus cannot survive for long in the air it is unlikely you contracted HIV. Firstly, was there even a prick on your finger? Without your finger drawing blood you definately did not contract anything.
SECONDLY and this is VERY IMPORTANT TO REMEMBER...
because you worry about contracting the virus and have been worrying about it for a very long time the fear is in your mind so even when you arent concentrated on your fear it is still in the back of your mind waiting to emerge... and so because you are on high alert and the fear is still there you will automatically interpret all situations being related to contracting AIDS even when there are missing links. i know that at times it seems as though your thoughts are rational and u could very well contract aids but the possibility that the blood was contaminated, etc. is also another factor to consider because not every person on this planet lives with AIDS or HIV
and you may think "well what if it so happens to be that the blood i came into contact with WAS contaminated?" but i am here to tell you that that is your anxiety taking over... the what ifs... so many ppl are faced with AIDS and HIV and do not contract it and a health professional can tell you that
AIDS is also a weak disease in the sense that it is so hard to contract in the open, fluids need to be exchanged directly from body to body (i.e. sex) in most circumstances so it is unlikely that dried blood or a needle could have contaminated you because the blood (if on the needle) is likely dried and the disease has already died (AIDS and HIV cannot survive the conditions of the atmosphere)
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Candiandricky
- Posts: 30
- Joined: Sun Feb 24, 2008 4:06 pm
Arose,
You can email me and we can chat anytime you want because I know exactly where you are coming from..
southernraised25@yahoo.com
You can email me and we can chat anytime you want because I know exactly where you are coming from..
southernraised25@yahoo.com
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fearsoflife
- Posts: 2
- Joined: Wed Jun 04, 2008 11:02 am
Thank God for this website...I am not sure what in God's name has happened to me or who I have become all i know is that sometimes I am so lost and afraid irrationally that I don't want to live like this?? I have always been an outgoing hispanic NYC girl always the fun of the party and the crazy one everyone loves to be with!!! And then I moved to the south GA. it's been 3yrs and I have changed so much I don't know who i am. Last year 2007 my mind starting doing odd things.
I have never been married before but decided to in 2004 our marriage got rocky quickly and I have been hanging in there since then..in 2007 we both seemed to be doing our own thing even though married. I met someone and I thought he would make me so happy and for a brief moment he did we were intimate and always protected, after a little bit he changed he said that me being married was not sitting well with him and he just didn't make me feel so good anymore but i very much cared for him. So now I have 3 kids, full time job, problem marriage & and problem affair? I was so confused and crazy I felt depressed and distorted. Anyway, my birthday was coming up and I did what I always do go for a full check up at the GYN to make sure i was doing well as always and I did my panel of everything as that has always been me whether I am with someone or not this is something that i do yearly. So, i went ahead and took an HIV test as well. And dear Jesus in heaven why did I do that? I was fine until i thought about how immoral I was for having an affair and loving this man outside of my marriage and my brain, body and soul convinced me that I was punished and will be diagnosed with HIV. MY body was in a whirl wind of emotion I got chills, vomitted, shakes, couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, sweated I couldn't look at my girls. I felt dirty and every time the phone rang I thought it was the doctor ready to give me my death sentence!!! those were the worst 3 days of my life?? I got the results they were negative thank God.
I contiued to see this man, and we continued to be with each other and then he was behaving like an idiot and so i decided to give my marriage another chance and my husband decides he wants a baby? So, i thought about it and once again i thought HIV??? I thought i was with that guy again (protected) and I probably have this disease this time for sure. i was in agony for 2weeks until i went and got tested i was so paranoid and crazy at the clinic they gave me a rapid test and tried to hold me so i would stop shaking. My results came in Negative - they hugged me and said you need treatment for that anxiety you have. I didn't listen went home relaxed and enjoyed my time. When all of the sudden right before Christmas?????????? I started having thoughts about Cancer? I have never in my life thought about that? i researched symptoms, signs, cures, you name it I read it all sorts of cancers to the point that i snapped and couldn't get out of bed for 3weeks!!!!! Missed Christmas & New Years with my kids I looked like a zombie i saw a psych. and he gave me Xanax which i took for a week only and then went for CBT (therapy) and got a little better. I stopped seeing my therapist thinking I was good to go. I spoke to that guy that I was seeing and i feel right into seeing him again after 8months b/c my marriage just doesn't make me happy.
And so........... after gaining some composure with Hiv & cancer. I went to see this Plastic Surgeon for some under eye work and i was so excited so so excited and he gave me pricing and then told me the day before surgery i will do some blood work to check for Anemia, and what have you and HIV. The moment that man said HIV testing my hands got very cold, I started sweating and I felt as if i was having small heart attacks? He was talking but i tuned him out and started obssessing once again about HIV and now I am at square one again. All i do is google everything about HIV and i am driving myself insane! Excpet I am growing very tired of this sh***t to be honest and I just don't know what to do?
I think about testing and i can't breathe - i think about getting horrible news and i just can't live like this people I just can't. i am only 35 years old and I never thought this would be happeneing to me but I put myself in worst case scenarios all the time! I even think about testing and the test be defective and they give me a false positive and me go over the deep end. I have researched HIV so much that i know it's not an easy STD to transmit. I know alllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll about it yet i am constantly putting myself in the 1 and a million situations.
Who can live like this? My girls must wonder what in the hell happened to there mother? what a failure I have become. On top of trying to find ridiculous love outside my marriage I am CRAZY. Why has this happened to me?
I can't even pray b/c I feel like I am sinner and what do i tell God???????????????????
Wow, I wrote a lot. Sorry - I have never been able to vent like this b/c i don't know anyone that feel like me.
I have never been married before but decided to in 2004 our marriage got rocky quickly and I have been hanging in there since then..in 2007 we both seemed to be doing our own thing even though married. I met someone and I thought he would make me so happy and for a brief moment he did we were intimate and always protected, after a little bit he changed he said that me being married was not sitting well with him and he just didn't make me feel so good anymore but i very much cared for him. So now I have 3 kids, full time job, problem marriage & and problem affair? I was so confused and crazy I felt depressed and distorted. Anyway, my birthday was coming up and I did what I always do go for a full check up at the GYN to make sure i was doing well as always and I did my panel of everything as that has always been me whether I am with someone or not this is something that i do yearly. So, i went ahead and took an HIV test as well. And dear Jesus in heaven why did I do that? I was fine until i thought about how immoral I was for having an affair and loving this man outside of my marriage and my brain, body and soul convinced me that I was punished and will be diagnosed with HIV. MY body was in a whirl wind of emotion I got chills, vomitted, shakes, couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, sweated I couldn't look at my girls. I felt dirty and every time the phone rang I thought it was the doctor ready to give me my death sentence!!! those were the worst 3 days of my life?? I got the results they were negative thank God.
I contiued to see this man, and we continued to be with each other and then he was behaving like an idiot and so i decided to give my marriage another chance and my husband decides he wants a baby? So, i thought about it and once again i thought HIV??? I thought i was with that guy again (protected) and I probably have this disease this time for sure. i was in agony for 2weeks until i went and got tested i was so paranoid and crazy at the clinic they gave me a rapid test and tried to hold me so i would stop shaking. My results came in Negative - they hugged me and said you need treatment for that anxiety you have. I didn't listen went home relaxed and enjoyed my time. When all of the sudden right before Christmas?????????? I started having thoughts about Cancer? I have never in my life thought about that? i researched symptoms, signs, cures, you name it I read it all sorts of cancers to the point that i snapped and couldn't get out of bed for 3weeks!!!!! Missed Christmas & New Years with my kids I looked like a zombie i saw a psych. and he gave me Xanax which i took for a week only and then went for CBT (therapy) and got a little better. I stopped seeing my therapist thinking I was good to go. I spoke to that guy that I was seeing and i feel right into seeing him again after 8months b/c my marriage just doesn't make me happy.
And so........... after gaining some composure with Hiv & cancer. I went to see this Plastic Surgeon for some under eye work and i was so excited so so excited and he gave me pricing and then told me the day before surgery i will do some blood work to check for Anemia, and what have you and HIV. The moment that man said HIV testing my hands got very cold, I started sweating and I felt as if i was having small heart attacks? He was talking but i tuned him out and started obssessing once again about HIV and now I am at square one again. All i do is google everything about HIV and i am driving myself insane! Excpet I am growing very tired of this sh***t to be honest and I just don't know what to do?
I think about testing and i can't breathe - i think about getting horrible news and i just can't live like this people I just can't. i am only 35 years old and I never thought this would be happeneing to me but I put myself in worst case scenarios all the time! I even think about testing and the test be defective and they give me a false positive and me go over the deep end. I have researched HIV so much that i know it's not an easy STD to transmit. I know alllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll about it yet i am constantly putting myself in the 1 and a million situations.
Who can live like this? My girls must wonder what in the hell happened to there mother? what a failure I have become. On top of trying to find ridiculous love outside my marriage I am CRAZY. Why has this happened to me?
I can't even pray b/c I feel like I am sinner and what do i tell God???????????????????
Wow, I wrote a lot. Sorry - I have never been able to vent like this b/c i don't know anyone that feel like me.
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fearsoflife
- Posts: 2
- Joined: Wed Jun 04, 2008 11:02 am
Hello I can understand where you are coming from with the affair and wanting to be loved and understood by someone. I hope that someone is out there that I can talk to I know that this post was put out in February. Just wondering if anyone feels the way I do about having an affair and then trying to work out a marriage?? Need Help!!!
I HAVE THIS FEAR TOO! I thought it was only me! It also started with a guy who was verbally abusive, mean, cruel, disrespectful to me. He gave me anxiety and made me scared of him. I had an "issue" down there and right away just assumed it was HIV. I stayed in my room for weeks. Couldnt move, I was lifeless. I cannot believe what we do to ourselves. I finally got the courage to go to the Dr's. My gyno thought I was nuts! Cus there wasnt anything wrong with me. at all. So I slept with him again, like a dummy, after my anxiety went away, protected of course, but somehow still put it in my head that he prolly met some other girl who had it and contracted it and gave it to me. When in reality, he never cheated and still calls EVERYDAY to try to get me to come over. I know deep deep down that I am ok. I cannot come to terms with that deep down feeling yet. Its so stupid. I find myself reading about it as much as I can, its so dumb. Im scared to have sex, when I shouldnt be. I keep thinking to myself "how did u let it get so bad" Ive struggled with anxiety and depression for a long time. I felt I let myself get worse and left my dep and anx untreated. I got stubborn and thought it would go away and I didnt need anymore meds or therapy.
YOUR NOT ALONE!!!! This is me too, every minute of everyday.
But I can say with confidence that we are OK! this is just OCD.
YOUR NOT ALONE!!!! This is me too, every minute of everyday.
But I can say with confidence that we are OK! this is just OCD.
WOW your all just like me. I also thought I was very alone in this. Im also so embarrassed to talk about it. My best friend knows about it, but she thought I got over it. I cant continue to tell her because I know exactly what she will say. WILL U STOP! lol...I told her I wish she could understand and she wants to as well. I am SO GLAD I found this forum!!! We will all get through this!!!