Ms. T Bones,
Thank you for the message.
My faith has been affected by all of this. I still have it. I believe He is providing my strength and I have been running on fumes with my strength.
Last week during a low point, I looked at a picture of Christ hanging on my wall, shrugged my shoulders and said with resignation, "Do what you want."
As far as praying, I have begun questioning the process of prayer. I pray for improved finances, the next person prayers for overcoming anxiety, the third person prays for a better relationship, and so-on. If God has on His calendar that my finances are planned to be improved on March 19, but I am now praying over a week away, is my prayer going to move Him to up the improvement date to March 12? What's the point of praying? God is going to move on His timetable.
One more thing, and I don't want to sound like I am against my own religion but I've got to say this. Many times Christians speak of hard times as a testing ground for your faith, attitude, etc. I graduated from a well-known NYC university with a B.A. I can honestly say all these tests/supposed tests and lessons, I have had over the past 20+ years regarding money and work--we won't even get into the barge load of romantic tests, delays, lessons, etc--all this lovely
financial testing has been more, and more consistent than all my years of formal schooling, from Kindergarten to college commencement. "Oh but there's a lesson somewhere in here God wants you to learn." Enough of the f%^$*%g tests, lessons, and hardships, one right after the other. How about some good financial time for a substantial period. For me? Nah!
What's the point of giving me the desire to go into my own business if I don't have the capital for it. God could see what was going to happen. I got pumped up in creating the concept and website, the concept is perfect for this lousy economy...only to run out of money for advertising.
"Oh, don't worry Charlie. There's a reason or some lesson in this." Screw the reason and lesson
, what is wrong with realizing my 20 year old dream of being an entrepreneur now?
If anyone wanted to know my reason(s) for being bitter, and tired/frustrated with disappointments and delays...here you go.
This winter is the best example for me. Here in NY and the North East, Mid-Atlantic regions we've had one storm right after another. You get tired of the storms and their repetition. You just want them to stop and spring to come.
The delayed unemployment checks, the no capital for advertising, the job search, having to cash in my 401, companies I want to work for refusing me and yet still post job ads that I applied for, the realization my problem stems from never having saved...all of these are the repeated winter storms. I am the people of the NY area, tired of all the storm and snow, and just wants spring (a job, paying bills, getting the business going.)
The only people so far benefiting from all of my situation is the maker of Lexapro and generic Xanax, and my other meds for BP and reflux.
