Pouring my heart out

brandie · Post by **brandie** » Tue Dec 30, 2008 5:21 pm

Hello to everyone. I am here to vent. I am so angry. I have all this stuff from my past that I can not get over. I have tried. I pray about it. Nothing is working. So I have decided to come here for some help.

Fist of all I had a crappy childhood. Anything that could happen to a child I think I went through it. And I mean anything. I want to tell me parents that they suck. I know I shouldn't feel that way, but I do.I have so much anger toward my mom for the things she put me through. My dad for not stepping in and taking me out of the situations. How do I get passed this? I can't tell them any of this because I dont want them to feel bad, because it did happen a long time ago.

I feel like how can I get control of this anxiety if I can't get passed these things. It says in the session to replace the neg. thoughts for good ones. How in the world do I do that when I am carry all this anger. My sister tells me to forgive them. I want to. Its hard.

About 3 years ago I was diagnosed with pseudotumor cerebri. Great there is no cure. I had to have a shunt put in my head to drain the spinal fluid. And all I can think of is why me? I shouldn't think like that. Oh but wait i have this anxiety now. I know I am sounding like oh pour pittiful me. I'm just writing what i am thinking. I am very angry about everything that has happened to me. They say god wouldn't give you anything you couldn't handle, but gosh dang I can't handle much more.

Sorry guys if this is bringing anybody down. I just didn't know where to go. I have nobody to talk to that can really relate. If anybody has any advise please let me know. God Bless you all. You guys are awesome.

Megun · Post by **Megun** » Tue Dec 30, 2008 6:20 pm

Hi Brandie,

Can I suggest reading "Finding Peace for your Heart" by Stormie Omartian. I know she went through a lot because of her mom and was angry at her father for not rescuing her.

I hope it will help. If you can find the book, you might try used books on the internet and get it for a few dollars.

I hope all gets better for you.

Angie

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Wed Dec 31, 2008 2:05 am

Hi, Brandie--thank you for trusting us enough to pour out your feelings here. I don't think you have a thing to feel guilty about, you legitimately sound angry and hurt. I know we are supposed to replace negative thoughts with positive ones, but I don't think that means suppressing your hurt over things that have happened to you, I think it is more meant to replace the "what if" thoughts.

Do you see a counselor? You need to be able to vent and let this out in order to move on. I am by no means a counselor or anything, but if your parents mistreated you I'm not sure you shouldn't let them know how it has affected you to this day. It might help the forgiveness/healing process to do that. As for the pseudo-tumor, I have a good friend who has this, and I really empathize with you. She tells me it causes horrible headaches for which she sometimes needs narcotics, and I've seen her go through it and it is terrible. You do not at all sound like you are being "poor me", you legitimately have things going on that you need to vent about. Please always feel comfortable doing that here, the people on here are really kind and comforting, I find.

Please pm me if you ever need to talk, and let us know how you are doing.

Hugs, Tara

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Wed Dec 31, 2008 3:26 am

your post does not bring me down...I am a lot like you in regaurds to your past...everything that could happen has...I at first thought she just needs to drop it and get past it...I then spent the next hour thinking about you and your situation and realized I have not let go of my past I have only changed whom I take it out on. My husband and my children. I lash out at my husband for the good childhood he had and sometimes at our children for the past they have had...and I remind them it is 100% better then mine. My heart truely hurts for you and all of us in this same situation (unfortunately there thousands if not millions of us out there). Thank-you for being so honest...I do not have the answers but I choose to believe to day is call the present because it is a gift..we are all here together supporting each other and that is a good thing. Hang in there I will be thinking and praying for you today.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Wed Dec 31, 2008 3:31 am

One thing you might try is typing a letter to your parents with all your feelings - write it, but not send it. Later if you do get professional counseling, you have a starting point. I have done the letter-writing step in the past. It didn't eliminate the feelings, but it significantly reduced their power over me.

NinjaFrodo · Post by **NinjaFrodo** » Wed Dec 31, 2008 3:34 am

brandie,
its ok to vent and ask questions.you asked how you can tell you parents how you feel. tell them like you told us.I feel this way.even though we have been through so much. where were you when I needed you.that would be one thing I would say.If you get a chance read my profile and it will let you know how I dealt with some things.but I did have to go to my grand parents grave and my mothers as well and tell them that I forgave them for what they did to me and that I loved them.after that I turned around and walked away.I went back later after Iwork a book on my life and that was my healing and testimony.the way I did it may not work for some but it does give you closure.I hope that this has helped you.take care and may this coming year be your year to shineand rid yourself of the pain you are going throughand be healthy is my prayer.be blessed.
don
I can't do it but HE can

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Wed Dec 31, 2008 6:33 pm

Brandi, I am sorry to hear of the anger you have inside. You are right it is hard to forgive. With that being said, when you decide in your heart to forgive someone it is like a huge weight being lifted off your chest.
I was shot by a man in October of 2005, I am still angry about all of the things I went through and am still going through, but I have forgiven him. My friends and family thought I was crazy when I said on live radio that I had forgiven him, but I feel it is something that you have to do if you ever want to feel free from the anger. Remember "to forgive does not mean to forget". To relieve some of my anger I work out, I read, I write poems, I draw pictures,I build websites. I also found that when I am up late at night with flash backs and bad thoughts. If I turn on like nick at night or something that has all of the old shows I watched growing up for some reason it relaxes me. I know weird right?
Anyway take care and god bless
your friend jim

Carolyn Dickman · Post by **Carolyn Dickman** » Thu Jan 01, 2009 12:15 am

Brandi: I am sorry you have so much anger about your childhood. I went into counseling about a year ago because my anxiety was just hanging out and not going away. As I went through the counseling process it kept coming up that I was so angry at my mother. I felt emotionally shut-off from her, but my counseling helped me to see my mom's side of it. My mom had me when she was 20 years old, way too young to deal with me and my sister when she was born a mere 11 months later. I felt emotionally shut-off by my mom growing up. I now see my mother had anxiety and depression and did the best she could.

After going through the process, I was able to forgive my mother for doing the best she could with what she had. We are very good friends now. My mother just went through cancer treatment in 2008, I went with her to all her chemo appointments as her daughter and one of her friends. I am so glad I was able to forgive her. I won't forget the anger that I had, but seeing the past from her perspective did help me to forgive and release it.

I agree with Linda1056 by writing a letter to your parents and not mailing it. I also journal every single night. When I am very angry and it is physically uncomfortable, I write until my hand hurts and I feel much better. Feel your anger, don't deny your feelings, but learn to release it. I have been meditating for almost a year now. I have downloaded Mary and Richard Maddux - Meditation Oasis - Emotional Ease. It works great. I also use that when I am feeling anxious or angry.

Good Luck to you. I have been there.

Lisa

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Thu Jan 01, 2009 6:29 pm

Thanks for starting this post, brandie. I too have a lot of anger towards my parents about my childhood. It does help to know how others deal with it. Thanks for all the suggestions.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Fri Jan 02, 2009 1:07 am

I can relate to this as I had hard feelings toward my mother but lets be honest we are all not perfect and I looked at things from my mothers view and she had a bad child hood and she did't know how to love and shelter a child as she was't sheltered she was growing up in the 30s and those were hard times and her father was not good to them this helped me a lot and I was able to get past any bad feelings and they don't help us any way now with my daughte I vowed to do the best I could I thought I did but because Of agrophobia I missed alot in her life but she says she did't mind but now I need to work on getting well