There are many things I can relate with everyone with dp/dr
But I'm wondering if anyone can relate to me. I feel like I have very odd symptoms and hoping that it has to do with the dissacociation and not me.
I am very sensitive to my environment, the lighting especaily.
And if any lighting changes, all of a sudden I feel like Im in a whole other world. And the world I was in a couple of seconds ago feels like 10 years ago. As if I can't make the connection to both "worlds"
It doesn't bug me much tho, because it's as if I'm off to a fresh start, so i feel more motivated, renergized...etc
I think having this dissacociation makes me very aware of my perspectives and I pay constent attention to it.
Whenever anyone I know puts on a mask and I look at them, I start feeling lightheaded, as if my eyes are trying to adjust to this new view, and they can't. Obviously I know it's just my freind or family member in a mask, but for some reason it totaly weirds me out. Like it's another problem with connecting. And I know if i didn't have this dissaciation I wouldn't feel that way.
My perspective and beleifs can change so easily. I don't feel like I have a mind of my own (due to the lack of personalization) So whomever I converse with , whatever belief or perspective they tell me about i will end up in. Which I know can be very dangerous, so I try to keep myself away from risky situations where most people can just say no to, unlike me
Just like environment effects me, so does sound. When my ears get plugged, like under water for example, i feel like i'm in a whole new world. But unlike the lighting changing, when my ears unplugg, i feel like i'm back in the old world. Now I don't think I have ever tried to have lighting that was changed to go back and see if i feel back to the origonal world. Maybe I should try that and see if it works.
I don't know if this has to do with dissacociation, but i would love to know how to stop this: I can get very comfortable to things, like houses i live in, jobs i work at. So comfortable i will get sick of it.
Like my latest job i got, the first couple of days was so easy to get through. Everything was new and exciting. But now that i'm used to this environment Its nontollerable. Just like being at home. At my house i have no motivation to clean it or feel happy in. But at a freinds house , a place i feel new to, i have the motivation to clean and be happy in.
If only there was a way to program my perspective and feel unused to places i have been to for years. like i see it in different ways everyday.
I've done this before at home. Once at home i pretended this was just my boyfreinds house, and i felt more motivated to clean it. (my family pushes me to clean the house alot
)Or i'll pretend im in another city when i'm at work, and it realy does change my perspective. Its realy neat , you should try it, just as long as you don't fall for the pretend
When I put a water drop in my ear and tilt my head, i feel less dissacociated. That makes me wonder if this whole thing has to do with my ears, i've heard of something like that.
And the most worst symptoms i have had before, and trying not to get again are 1. I can get in this state of mind where I see everything as meaningless, even life itself. Like i'll start to ask myself why am i doing what i'm doing, whats the point, why am i thinking, why am i hearing, why am i seeing, and then it turns into "how" i'm doing everything.
And for some reason when i try to think of answering those questions i get in this perspective where i don't want to do any of those things, it will overwhelm me if i do and i can't understand how i can tollerate doing any of those things. Which is realy scary to think of cause thats what we do to exist, we think, we see, we hear, we feel.
I think seeing is the most overwhelming thing i get when i feel this way.
I get stuck in a thought web , a loop that just keeps repeating it'self.
As if i'm focusing on focusing. And when i get this way it is incredibly difficult to think about anything else, it can last for weeks. Imagine thinking about how your being about to tolerate seeing for weeks, 24/7?
But the funny thing is, when i get in this certain state, i'm the closest to pulling out of dp/dr
Cause the second i get out of this overwhelming state of mind (i have to think myself out of it) the dp and dr go away, it's as if a curtain rises up and i see reality, i am "back" And it's such a wonderful feeling.
But it never lasts. The last time it happened i got to hold on to it for 7 hours! I was so happy and proud of myself. But then i must have settled into an activity that didn't interest my mind enough. And I slumped back into it. I feel a little bit of this right now, and it's scaring me, liek it's just very mild right now, but i'm fearing that i'm falling back into it, and thats not helping my anxiety. So I'ml trying to find an answer to how we are able to see, hear, think, feel.... and what the point is to do so, that way if i ever get back in that terrible state of mind, i will know how to pull out.
And the second state of mind thats torturing is when i feel like i'm not living, and i don't understand how i'm living, cause i don't feel life in me, and i feel like i could keel over any second, it's such a creepy feeling.
i have no idea how i got out of it, i think it's only happened once or twice.
but i know it has to do with dp. it's where you feel like your not in control. Like right now i fee l like i have the control in me. but when i have that "how am i living" feeling, i feel like i have to make a big effort to stay alive. I think it's when my brain tries to figure out how i can be existing, like is it robotic, what is it that makes us be alive? I'm not going to get too far into this, for fear that i will fall into that state of mind again. And it weakens me very much.
I think thats about it, atleast thats all i can think of right now.
so if your still with me after this whole bible of a post
Thankyou for stickin it through Now relate with me if you can, or if you have any explanation to any of this i would love to hear it, thank you