in shock

goodwillchic · Post by **goodwillchic** » Wed Sep 23, 2009 10:50 am

I went through the program last year and have been navigating through my growth spurts by remembering all I learned. This has been one of the toughest and best years of my life.

Adding to the joy is that my fiance and I are starting to plan our wedding. It's not for two years, but I like to get a jump on things Now I'm especially glad I started talking to friends and family early because I just got the shock of my life (well, not really but pretty darn close).

The person I asked to marry us has been a part of my life since I was 10 (I'm almost 26). He and his wife and son even lived with my family for awhile after he left his job as youth minister at my old church. Years later he started a non-denominational church that my family began attending and still do to this day.

This man has been like a second father and my spiritual mentor. There was never a doubt that I would have him marry us. It seemed like a formality even asking him...but ask I did. I got his response today.

He said that by the time our wedding comes around (2 years from now), the church will be having Saturday services and so he will be unable to act as the officient (sp??).

I'm devestated and my fiance, knowing how close much like family this man is, thinks it is because he disapproves.

This doesn't make any sense! When we got engaged my minister offered to marry us...now he's backing out because he MAY have something else to do??

I found this out while on my lunch break. I cried, talked to my fiance and cried some more, then called my mom and cried even more.

To add insult to injury, he apparently told my mom he thinks I'm on the fence with my faith. Yet he married my agnostic sister and brother in law just this past June?!

I need to talk to him, but what do I say? Any thoughts, advice, support???

dulce · Post by **dulce** » Wed Sep 23, 2009 11:34 am

I know sometimes in life we can be shocked and become disappointed with others when they display actions that shock us, and they may not respond in a way that we expect them to. It is always a good idea to not assume the worse, and make arrangements to sit and talk to the other person before drawing any conclusions. Often what we have assumed could be the opposite. Our assuming can cause worry, concern and aniexty. Assume a positive attitude, and find out the exact feeling of the other person.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Wed Sep 23, 2009 11:44 am

I agree with Reb. There's absolutley No way that anyone can guess what his heart and mind are feeling and you will just have to make some time to talk to him .I have a very close relationship with my Spiritual Father/Mentor and he is one of the most logical and reasonable persons I know. But guess what when It came to me his adopted like daughter? He was just like any Dad and always looks out for me and has been kind of hard on me at times. Because he knows me so well and wants to see me happy.
Talk to the man and don't jump to any conclusions.In any case sorry you felt like crap. I hope you feel better when you call him and talk. And just a suggestion, maybe Mom could refrain from telling you about her conversations with him about your walk with God? That didn't help anything. Just a thought.
Take care

Jill~

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Wed Sep 23, 2009 12:20 pm

Thank you Jill and Reb. You are both right. He usually has good reason behind his actions. I'm going to give myself a few to calm down and get all those 'reactions' out...then I can 'respond' and find out what's really going on. I'm hopeful that we can get to the heart of the issue.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Wed Sep 23, 2009 12:36 pm

It may also be helpful for you to listen to the tape/CD on being assertive. If he hems and haws you will at least be able to express your disappointment in the right kind of manner. Best wishes to you w/that and congratulations on your upcoming wedding.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Thu Sep 24, 2009 7:28 am

I definitely drew on what I learned from the session on assertiveness to help me through this.

Because I'm living across the country right now most of my communication with family and friends back home is done through email. So I emailed my minister and told him I was hurt. I asked him to help me understand why he felt uncertain about being able to preside over our wedding. I explained that I was having difficulty believing the reason he provided was the real issue. I asked him to be honest with me about why he was feeling 'up in the air' as he put it.

I got a text message this morning. He said he thought the wedding was next fall but since it's two years from now it won't be a problem and he is sorry for his miscommunication.

I have not replied to him on this lastest message. I feel weird about his reply. He didn't apologize or validate how he had hurt me...which sort of surpised me since he is a counselor as well. And there's a nagging questions...what difference does the year make?

I'm not as upset as I was yesterday. I'm less worried about the wedding and more concerned about my actual relationship with this man. I suppose I've always known he is just human and he definitely has faults...this is jsut the first time I've been a direct casualty of his lack of tact.

Before all of this I was very excited about him marrying us. Now, even though he's agreed to do it...well, it feels...not special. And 'not special' is NOT how I want to feel when I'm getting married.

The good news is the wedding is two years from now and there's lot of time for feelings to heal and relationships to be renewed. This is the very reason I wanted to start planning early...to get all the hurt feelings out of the way.

Thanks for all the support. And I appreciate any continued words of wisedom on this situation and how to move on from here.