OK. I'm new to this and I just ordered the 30 day trial tapes. I've had 3 major episodes of depression. Once in college just before graduating (and my parents were getting a divorce and I was moving). I think it mostly stemmed from not feeling like I could do a good enough job in my student teaching.
Then I was pretty good for about 6 years. The second time was when I went back to teaching after being home with my new baby for 4 mos. It was worse than the first time. I thought staying home would help, but that didn't. Eventually I went back to teaching.
I was ok for about 3 years. Then my husband cheated on me and we had an ugly divorce. I was good until after the divorce became final. This is the worst episode of depression. Again, I feel like quitting my job. I don't know if teaching is just not the job for me. Or if it's just my depression. I'm on a medical leave right now b/c i couldn't function enough to make decisions and basically felt like I didn't care about anything.
So, I'm dating this guy now. He's very nice and sensitive. He doesn't have all the qualities that I would want in my "ideal man" but he loves me and we enjoy doing things together when we can. He lets me talk about everything. I think I could be happy with him, once I'm over this depression.
I think I want to change careers and do "massage therapy". I looked into the school. I think it would be easier b/c I don't have to deal w/ all the parents and kids when and if I do go through depressive states. I can't imagine going back to teaching. It still seems hard to get out of bed most days. I am on meds.
I feel like this is what I want to do: Move in with my boyfriend (and his roommate) to be able to afford to not teach and go to massage therapy school. I still would need to get some sort of job like waitressing or something.
This would mean getting out of my current lease. It also would mean not seeing my daughter as much, since I wouldn't have a room for her. Right now I feel like she's better off w/ her dad anyway since I feel like I just don't care.
Do you think I could be happy doing this? Is this a totally bad decision? Could I quit teaching and then just make a committment to myself not to quit a job again? (I've taught for 10 yrs). I know it sounds crazy but I feel like there is no way I can go back to teaching.
Tough spot & decisions
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Guest
I don't understand this.
How would you be less depressed by moving in with a man you hardly know and abandoning your precious daughter who already had to go through your rough divorce?
Do you really think this will make you "happy?"
Put yourself in your daughter's shoes. How do you think she will feel about this now, and in ten years? How will YOU feel about this in ten years?
Your daughter needs a MOM. So what if you aren't the perfect mother, who is? We all have our faults. The point is she wants YOU. She NEEDS you. With all your imperfections. Please don't abandon your child while you 'find yourself' and shack up with some guy and his roommate. This is just the wrong direction.
Treat your depression first, before drastically changing your life, please. For your daughter's sake, at least.
How would you be less depressed by moving in with a man you hardly know and abandoning your precious daughter who already had to go through your rough divorce?
Do you really think this will make you "happy?"
Put yourself in your daughter's shoes. How do you think she will feel about this now, and in ten years? How will YOU feel about this in ten years?
Your daughter needs a MOM. So what if you aren't the perfect mother, who is? We all have our faults. The point is she wants YOU. She NEEDS you. With all your imperfections. Please don't abandon your child while you 'find yourself' and shack up with some guy and his roommate. This is just the wrong direction.
Treat your depression first, before drastically changing your life, please. For your daughter's sake, at least.
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Guest
The guy isn't someone I barely know. I've known him for about 4 mos. I've met his family. He understands (somewhat) the depression thing. He loves me anyway. He says I make him strive to be a better person. He thinks I'm smart and attractive despite my depression.
I just don't feel like I can live by myself and be single. I guess I feel like maybe a new beginning might somehow give me a second chance. I would want to still be a part of my daughter's life, just would more likely be the one to take her to fun places and then take her back to her dad's. Maybe it would be better for her to be more consistently in one place instead of back and forth all the time. I know it doesn't sound like a good plan. I know I probably would regret it, but I guess I somehow think if I could get myself feeling better then I could later be a better mom and person.
I know I probably should be letting God be my man right now. I still believe God somehow has a purpose for my life. I just don't know how to get out of this hole.
I do know that it is a spiral effect. I took a medical leave from work to try to get anti-depressents right before going back. But now I feel like I don't have anything to talk about with friends and I know I tend to avoid talking because I'm embarrassed about taking time off. I'm terrified of what everyone will think of me if I go back. I try to think positively, but it doesn't seem to last for long. I guess I feel like starting a new career path would give me a goal and something to talk about, and hopefully something that can make me feel passionate about something again. Because I don't feel passionate about anything right now.
Should I extend my leave for a few weeks and try to talk myself into going back to work and staying w/ teaching? Or should I try a change because all 3 times w/ depression, teaching seems to be part of the problem? I know I need to get out of this funk. I usually am happiest when I'm busy and doing lots of things. I just can't seem to get back there. It's scary and I do want to get better. I've gotten down on my face and prayed to God. I don't know what to do.
I just don't feel like I can live by myself and be single. I guess I feel like maybe a new beginning might somehow give me a second chance. I would want to still be a part of my daughter's life, just would more likely be the one to take her to fun places and then take her back to her dad's. Maybe it would be better for her to be more consistently in one place instead of back and forth all the time. I know it doesn't sound like a good plan. I know I probably would regret it, but I guess I somehow think if I could get myself feeling better then I could later be a better mom and person.
I know I probably should be letting God be my man right now. I still believe God somehow has a purpose for my life. I just don't know how to get out of this hole.
I do know that it is a spiral effect. I took a medical leave from work to try to get anti-depressents right before going back. But now I feel like I don't have anything to talk about with friends and I know I tend to avoid talking because I'm embarrassed about taking time off. I'm terrified of what everyone will think of me if I go back. I try to think positively, but it doesn't seem to last for long. I guess I feel like starting a new career path would give me a goal and something to talk about, and hopefully something that can make me feel passionate about something again. Because I don't feel passionate about anything right now.
Should I extend my leave for a few weeks and try to talk myself into going back to work and staying w/ teaching? Or should I try a change because all 3 times w/ depression, teaching seems to be part of the problem? I know I need to get out of this funk. I usually am happiest when I'm busy and doing lots of things. I just can't seem to get back there. It's scary and I do want to get better. I've gotten down on my face and prayed to God. I don't know what to do.
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Guest
Hello again. You have known a man for 4 months but you've known your daughter for all her life.
If you want to put God first ask Him what he wants for you. Do you think putting God first is moving in with a man who is not your husband? Is that what you want for your daughter?
I was raised by a single mother, my dad died when I was young, and my mom did not have a relationship with God. So I learned that it was "okay" to have men come over, and move into the house. In turn I emulated my mother by having a lot of unhealthy relationships before I really let God into my life.
I believe God knows all of our purposes, it is up to us to follow these purposes. You have to trust Him. I don't know if you should continue your teaching or not, but you already took the right step toward banishing your depression by getting the program. I think massage therapy is a noble profession, and may work out well for you, but maybe not how you plan to go about it.
You are right, God IS your man right now, and always has been. He is flawless and loves you and knit you inside your mother's womb. He has every hair on your head counted. Wait on God. I believe He led you to this program as He led me to it.
Please reconsider your plan -
#1 Does it glorify God? Are you hoping that God will serve you or are you looking to serve Him?
#2 Is this in the best interest of your daughter? What will she learn from your actions?
#3 Why wouldn't this man marry you and help raise your daughter when you can move in and get what he wants without any attachments?
Have you ever asked your daughter what she wants? Have you ever prayed with your daughter?
You will probably get some different responses to think about. I pray you do the right thing.
If you want to put God first ask Him what he wants for you. Do you think putting God first is moving in with a man who is not your husband? Is that what you want for your daughter?
I was raised by a single mother, my dad died when I was young, and my mom did not have a relationship with God. So I learned that it was "okay" to have men come over, and move into the house. In turn I emulated my mother by having a lot of unhealthy relationships before I really let God into my life.
I believe God knows all of our purposes, it is up to us to follow these purposes. You have to trust Him. I don't know if you should continue your teaching or not, but you already took the right step toward banishing your depression by getting the program. I think massage therapy is a noble profession, and may work out well for you, but maybe not how you plan to go about it.
You are right, God IS your man right now, and always has been. He is flawless and loves you and knit you inside your mother's womb. He has every hair on your head counted. Wait on God. I believe He led you to this program as He led me to it.
Please reconsider your plan -
#1 Does it glorify God? Are you hoping that God will serve you or are you looking to serve Him?
#2 Is this in the best interest of your daughter? What will she learn from your actions?
#3 Why wouldn't this man marry you and help raise your daughter when you can move in and get what he wants without any attachments?
Have you ever asked your daughter what she wants? Have you ever prayed with your daughter?
You will probably get some different responses to think about. I pray you do the right thing.
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Guest
Yes, I've prayed with my daughter. She is 3 1/2. What I feel is right is to take more time from work, try to work out the anti-depressents until I feel more normal. Also try this program and also go to Divorce Care (started it at a sister church to mine). I need to change my negative thinking and obsessive worrying. I somehow need to finish at least this year of teaching.
I eventually want to meet a good Christian man. The guy I'm dating says he's Christian, but he is of that mindset where he believes in Christianity but he also believes the God of Christians is the God of all other religions too. He doesn't believe that Christ is the only way to heaven. But he has gone to church with me and says he would continue and also pray with me.
Should I break up with this guy then?
Will that be better for me, or only send me further into depression? He goes hiking and stuff like that with me on his time off. I feel comfortable around him. He says he wants to marry me. He said he'd move in here and help with my daughter. I just would need to continue to work to afford bills and rent (he would pay for half).
The things I dislike about him is that:
- his work schedule is 1pm-9pm, and his days off are Wed, Thurs. I feel like I need someone around more than that. I know people do it all the time, but I think that would be hard for me.
- He likes playing X-Box A LOT. I know there could be worse things, but I think that would irritate me after awhile.
- He does chewing tobacco. Which I think is kinda gross, but again, could be worse. He drinks more than me. He's cut back since he's been with me, but when we go out he likes to do a shot, and I'm not into drinking that much. Just a few drinks now and then.
- He's been married and divorced 2xs. He's been single for a long time though, and plans to only get married one more time, for life.
- He's cute, but a little heavier than would usually be my type. He's lost 22 lbs. since we've been dating, though. He's about 225 now.
- Because of his job he tends to stay up late and sleep in.
- I'm not sure that he is the best at budgeting his money. He gambles a little. He used to have a problem with gambling, so he got rid of all his credit cards so that he wouldn't be tempted like he was before (apparently his x-wife encouraged him to gamble a lot and that's when he had a problem).
Good things are:
- He's very sensitive to my feelings and intui
tive about what I'm thinking/feeling
- We have good chemistry, I always love kissing him
- He likes hiking, and has tried tennis and running with me (which I like)
- He enjoys spending time with just me. We can have fun when it's just us. But we have gotten together with my friends and he got along with them and I've hung out w/ his friends.
- He likes to dance (country) with me and take me to concerts, dinner, play pool, etc. He'll watch romantic comedies with me. He loves to cuddle on the couch watching movies or play with my hair or give me massages.
- His mom is very sweet. He has a good relationship with both his parents and brother. Family and friends are important to him.
My daughter is very head strong- like her dad. Which maybe that will be a good thing for her. (Hopefully she won't have confidence issues like me!) But she does not listen to me very well anymore. Part of it is her age I know (3 1/2) but she becomes very bossy to me. When I do try to follow through on consequences it becomes an all day battle with her throwing tantrums and yelling and crying.
I eventually want to meet a good Christian man. The guy I'm dating says he's Christian, but he is of that mindset where he believes in Christianity but he also believes the God of Christians is the God of all other religions too. He doesn't believe that Christ is the only way to heaven. But he has gone to church with me and says he would continue and also pray with me.
Should I break up with this guy then?
Will that be better for me, or only send me further into depression? He goes hiking and stuff like that with me on his time off. I feel comfortable around him. He says he wants to marry me. He said he'd move in here and help with my daughter. I just would need to continue to work to afford bills and rent (he would pay for half).
The things I dislike about him is that:
- his work schedule is 1pm-9pm, and his days off are Wed, Thurs. I feel like I need someone around more than that. I know people do it all the time, but I think that would be hard for me.
- He likes playing X-Box A LOT. I know there could be worse things, but I think that would irritate me after awhile.
- He does chewing tobacco. Which I think is kinda gross, but again, could be worse. He drinks more than me. He's cut back since he's been with me, but when we go out he likes to do a shot, and I'm not into drinking that much. Just a few drinks now and then.
- He's been married and divorced 2xs. He's been single for a long time though, and plans to only get married one more time, for life.
- He's cute, but a little heavier than would usually be my type. He's lost 22 lbs. since we've been dating, though. He's about 225 now.
- Because of his job he tends to stay up late and sleep in.
- I'm not sure that he is the best at budgeting his money. He gambles a little. He used to have a problem with gambling, so he got rid of all his credit cards so that he wouldn't be tempted like he was before (apparently his x-wife encouraged him to gamble a lot and that's when he had a problem).
Good things are:
- He's very sensitive to my feelings and intui
tive about what I'm thinking/feeling
- We have good chemistry, I always love kissing him
- He likes hiking, and has tried tennis and running with me (which I like)
- He enjoys spending time with just me. We can have fun when it's just us. But we have gotten together with my friends and he got along with them and I've hung out w/ his friends.
- He likes to dance (country) with me and take me to concerts, dinner, play pool, etc. He'll watch romantic comedies with me. He loves to cuddle on the couch watching movies or play with my hair or give me massages.
- His mom is very sweet. He has a good relationship with both his parents and brother. Family and friends are important to him.
My daughter is very head strong- like her dad. Which maybe that will be a good thing for her. (Hopefully she won't have confidence issues like me!) But she does not listen to me very well anymore. Part of it is her age I know (3 1/2) but she becomes very bossy to me. When I do try to follow through on consequences it becomes an all day battle with her throwing tantrums and yelling and crying.
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Guest
Rachel,
You can't really know a man in 4 months. Right now, you guys are still in the "honeymoon" phase. He's still on his best behavior and it sounds like you need to learn to love yourself first.
I am a mom to three wonderful children who are adopted. Their mother chose to not keep them and let someone else raise them. That is something I will be trying to help them understand for the rest of their lives! She is still a part of their lives, but on more than one occasion, I have been asked why she didn't want them. I'm sure your daughter will feel the same one day if you decide to send her with her father. She will remember that you had her and she will one day come to see that you didn't want her is why you sent her away. I understand that you are deeply depressed right now...but you are still a mother and your daugther needs to know that you love her and you are there for her. Sending her to live with her father may be an easy out for you but there is a chance that your relationship with her will never recover from that decision. My father walked out on me as a child and our relationship has never been the same.
I understand that you are having difficulties disciplining your daughter, but I must say, my youngest son was 4 when his father abandoned him for the same reasons. His father said he was "too difficult" and threw too many tantrums. It was easier for his birth dad to give up and let him go to foster care. That is something I will have to explain to him later in his life. The behavior that his father labeled "too difficult" was typical 4-year old behavior. He wants what he wants and he will fight to get it. It's the parents role to say no and if tantrums, crying and yelling result, then there are more consequences. In our family, our motto is "we don't reward bad behavior". My children know that tantrum throwing will NOT get them their way. It's a hard thing to deal with and the yelling and crying is bad, but send her to her room and tell her when she can talk to you without yelling, you'll listen to her. You need to let your daughter see that you won't give in to her tantrums. Hold your ground and you will see improvement. My son who was "too difficult" for his father is beautifully behaved with me. He knows his limits and he knows what I expect. I have 2 ADHD boys, so trust me, we have a lot of fights in our house, but my kids know that what I say is final and that is all there is to it!
It sounds like you are looking for permission to send your daughter to live with her father and for you to move in with your boyfriend. No one can tell you that is okay, only you can determine that. I just hope that you pray about these moves and make sure that you let God lead you in this.
If your boyfriend is not a Christian, you have a hard road ahead of you anyway. It's hard to pull someone up...it's easier for them to pull us down. It sounds like you aren't as strong as you would like to be and I wonder if you are strong enough to stand up and be a witness for him to see what Christianity is. Remember, we are the only Bible that some people will ever read. You need to keep God at the center of your life and if this man doesn't feel the same way, maybe he's not the one.
I am blessed with a Christian husband who loves me and our children. I am blessed with a husband who takes the lead in our faith and he is Godly. That makes my life so much easier. I struggled with depression most of my life and the one thing I found was that I needed to love myself and learn to be happy to be alone. When I was able to be comfortable by myself, God sent me a man that is perfect for me in every way. He's not perfect, but he's perfect for me. God will do the same for you if you let him. Learn to be happy alone, just you and your daughter. Speak positive affirmations daily and block out the negativity.
I hope you can find some peace. Remember our God is not the author of confusion (1 Cor. 14:33. The confusion you are in is from the devil. Pray constantly seeking God's will for you. Ask him to give you peace and quiet the confusion you have.
Again, I wish you peace and ask God to quiet the confusion and give you clarity of what he wants for you...
Stephanie
You can't really know a man in 4 months. Right now, you guys are still in the "honeymoon" phase. He's still on his best behavior and it sounds like you need to learn to love yourself first.
I am a mom to three wonderful children who are adopted. Their mother chose to not keep them and let someone else raise them. That is something I will be trying to help them understand for the rest of their lives! She is still a part of their lives, but on more than one occasion, I have been asked why she didn't want them. I'm sure your daughter will feel the same one day if you decide to send her with her father. She will remember that you had her and she will one day come to see that you didn't want her is why you sent her away. I understand that you are deeply depressed right now...but you are still a mother and your daugther needs to know that you love her and you are there for her. Sending her to live with her father may be an easy out for you but there is a chance that your relationship with her will never recover from that decision. My father walked out on me as a child and our relationship has never been the same.
I understand that you are having difficulties disciplining your daughter, but I must say, my youngest son was 4 when his father abandoned him for the same reasons. His father said he was "too difficult" and threw too many tantrums. It was easier for his birth dad to give up and let him go to foster care. That is something I will have to explain to him later in his life. The behavior that his father labeled "too difficult" was typical 4-year old behavior. He wants what he wants and he will fight to get it. It's the parents role to say no and if tantrums, crying and yelling result, then there are more consequences. In our family, our motto is "we don't reward bad behavior". My children know that tantrum throwing will NOT get them their way. It's a hard thing to deal with and the yelling and crying is bad, but send her to her room and tell her when she can talk to you without yelling, you'll listen to her. You need to let your daughter see that you won't give in to her tantrums. Hold your ground and you will see improvement. My son who was "too difficult" for his father is beautifully behaved with me. He knows his limits and he knows what I expect. I have 2 ADHD boys, so trust me, we have a lot of fights in our house, but my kids know that what I say is final and that is all there is to it!
It sounds like you are looking for permission to send your daughter to live with her father and for you to move in with your boyfriend. No one can tell you that is okay, only you can determine that. I just hope that you pray about these moves and make sure that you let God lead you in this.
If your boyfriend is not a Christian, you have a hard road ahead of you anyway. It's hard to pull someone up...it's easier for them to pull us down. It sounds like you aren't as strong as you would like to be and I wonder if you are strong enough to stand up and be a witness for him to see what Christianity is. Remember, we are the only Bible that some people will ever read. You need to keep God at the center of your life and if this man doesn't feel the same way, maybe he's not the one.
I am blessed with a Christian husband who loves me and our children. I am blessed with a husband who takes the lead in our faith and he is Godly. That makes my life so much easier. I struggled with depression most of my life and the one thing I found was that I needed to love myself and learn to be happy to be alone. When I was able to be comfortable by myself, God sent me a man that is perfect for me in every way. He's not perfect, but he's perfect for me. God will do the same for you if you let him. Learn to be happy alone, just you and your daughter. Speak positive affirmations daily and block out the negativity.
I hope you can find some peace. Remember our God is not the author of confusion (1 Cor. 14:33. The confusion you are in is from the devil. Pray constantly seeking God's will for you. Ask him to give you peace and quiet the confusion you have.
Again, I wish you peace and ask God to quiet the confusion and give you clarity of what he wants for you...
Stephanie