19 year old daughter

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Thu Apr 23, 2009 2:17 am

Everyone's comments are wonderful. But I had a little different experience with my children. I admit they were a little older than 19 at the time. I love my children dearly and when they were going through these times I had many teary, sleepless nights. However, I always had standards and rules for my home.

They had to work and contribute a few dollars to the house. This worked for a couple of years and when they were about 20, I just told them it was time for them to be on their own. It was the hardest thing I ever did, but I found that I would have died from worry, while they are out having a good time.

My children are now 33 and 26 and recently they both thanked me for making them grow up. We are all very close; we see each other a couple of times a week and we try to do something together at least on the weekend. I can finally say my children are my friends.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Thu May 14, 2009 9:04 am

HI, I just thought I'd throw in my 2 cents. I have 6 children (2 are adopted and had a lot of problems)- only 2 of which are out of the house. I don't know much, but my son went through some similar things. I think what really got him out of it was our relationship. I think it is so important to build the relationship with each of my children, so that they really care about how I'll feel about things and they value my opinion and advice. When they are older, viewing my job as changed has helped me. I am no longer using the same parenting on a child who is an adult (or about to be one) as I did when they were little. I try to get them to see the situation they face and decide what they want for their lives. Are the people they are with the ones that they want to be like? Do they want to promote the life-style that their friends are promoting? If you ask these questions, don't freak if the answer is yes. These questions are building a dialog with your child where you value their opinions. Maybe then asking what things they like about the life-style, friends, etc, but then don't find fault with their answers. After you have proven that you respect their ideas, then they will see you as someone that they can trust. Someone who has wisdom beyond what they have. My son talks to me about all kinds of things. He asks my opinion on many things and he usually follows my advice. He tells his friends how we talk, and I have had a few of them call me to "talk". I am not a liberal parent and I would have never taken this approach with my children when they are younger, but at some point we have to let them go and hopefully we've already taught them how to think on their own, but if we haven't then there's still time. One thing that I think might be an area to consider is the money thing. My children are all required to get a job as soon as they turn 16 (if they want to drive, have a phone, etc), and to pay their own car insurance, gas, entertainment (unless it is a family activity) and cell phone bills. I think builds character and a level of responsibility that prepares them for life. I would really consider cutting down on or eliminating your daughter's reliance on your financial help. Maybe setting up jobs she can do for you to earn money, might be a way to ease her out of this, but if she had to work maybe she wouldn't have time and ability to hang out and party. I have never agreed with idle hands, and it might be worth thinking about. To the lady with the daughter who got married without her knowledge. I would just hate to see your relationship ruined. In my opinion, which may not be worth much, the relationship with your daughter is worth accepting her choices even if you don't agree. If you forgive her for her lies and try to build up the trust that seems to be missing, you may find a wonderful relationship begins to bloom. We all make mistakes, even big ones. If this marriage is a mistake, she will need you to be there for her. If it is a success then she will want to share the joy of it with you. You can rejoice with her. Life is short and the only real thing that means anything is the relationships that we have with others (I include my God in that, but even if you don't, I think it still applies). The relationships are our real legacy. Your relationship with your daughter is more important than being justified for the wrong she did to you. What wouldn't you do for her? If you answer is that you would do anything for her, then forgive her and be her biggest supporter. She is of an age now when you can be her friend. What an honor it is to have a child who is an adult! Like I said earlier, I know nothing, but I wish you all well and happy relationships.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Thu Sep 03, 2009 8:07 am

My 17 year old, 19 year old, and 22 year old are the reason I got the program. I am so going crazy with worry over these girls. I am so hurt that all of them have rejected the values they were raised with. I barely know them anymore. the 22 and 19 yr. old are out of the home, but still pretty dependent on us to help with some of their finances. Seems like each week i get hit with some other crises with one of them. It is maddening! I recently found out my 22 yr. old is pregnant. We have been supportive, showing her love, but my expectations are still let down because I do not see the emotional growth from her one would expect to see. I have cried so many nights, I have been praying for these girls also. I have tried to wait them out, hoping they will find themselves soon. For my oldest daughter, she didnt find herself soon enough. Now of course, I worry about all the others even more. I reaallly know how you feel right now. I wish there was a magic answer. But they are people, making decisions about their lives and it is so out of our hands. May God have mercy. God bless you. Do not lose faith in our God. For He loves our daughters as much as he ever loved us. Keep praying.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Thu Sep 03, 2009 10:19 am

Hi, I can so relate to all of you. I had six children. Only three of them really are living the values that I taught them. I guess growing up in this old world is hard for them. You hope and pray what you want for them will stick. Unfortunately they have their own lives and all you can do is pray for them and hope they will someday have the strength to turn around. They all seem to be happy with the lives that they have chosen...that's what is so scary to me. They all know how I feel and they show respect to me. In the end I believe all you can do is try your hardest to teach them right from wrong and then they have to make their own choices. I have suffered so much guilt. What did I do wrong, what could I have done differently..on and on. I have had to stop beating up on myself and just realize that they must use their own free agency and grow the way they choose. But I do pray ALOT.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Wed Sep 16, 2009 4:51 pm

hi, my name is stephanie you shuold not feel that way like you want to lose it stay strong how much does your daughter drink and does your daughtur do drugs and does she smoke,tell her she needs to stay home and not go out with people who drink and do drugs and smoke, i would tell her if she does not stay home you are going to tell her father not to give her any thing any more, all you can do is stay strong for your self and do not let your daughter get the best of you.

have a strong mind
from,stephanie

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Sat Sep 19, 2009 7:51 am

This sounds waaaaay too familiar! I have a 19-year-old who was raised in a structured home with good values. When she turned 18, she went nuts on me. She not only would not follow rules, but would actually scream at me if I asked her to pick up her shoes. She was "running the roads" with a really motley crew, and doing absolutely nothing of any value with her life. Her behavior was creating a toxic atmosphere in our household, and it was affecting not only my husband and I, but also our younger child, profoundly. I finally told my daughter she could follow a few simple rules, or she could go. She went. I cannot tell you how difficult it was to watch her leave with one of my least-favorite of her friends. (The same friend died in a drunk driving accident this year.) My daughter bounced around a lot, and is still bouncing around, but a year later, she has a job and has bought my old car from me. She is beginning to realize that with no financial help from her family, it's a hard, cold world out there, and that making it means working hard and playing a lot less. She is experiencing big-girl problems now, like where to live, how to pay her insurance, and how to get her boss to give her a day off so she can go to the doctor. You can't legally make a 19-year-old do anything, so your choices are limited. My daughter knows, as I remind her often, that should she decide to start school, we will pay for it as long as she maintains at least a part-time job. She also knows that we will help her out if she has health problems. Other than that, she's on her own. If she's going to buy speakers for her car before an inspection sticker, quasi-live with a boy who has no job, not attend church, participate in nothing worthwhile, and not go to school - well - the rest is in her lap. We won't support that lifestyle. It's really hard to let her fall on her face, but that seems to be a better method of teaching than anything else I ever tried!