i am nearing the end of my rope and i need help fast
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Guest
I know this post is from last year, but I'm also needing help in this category. As far as anxiety goes... I'm guilty, but the gay thoughts are the only thoughts that can bring me into a panic attack. When I hear stories about 40 year old women coming out, who said they didn't "know" they were gay until in their later life... that completely terrifies the heck out of me! I always wonder if that will be me, or if I just can't find a partner that I'm completely happy with. I know this is so crazy, I know deep down that I'm not gay, but like I said when I see stories of older women coming out, that totally freaks me out and I don't understand why!
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Guest
LoveBug -
I'm a 35-year old gay male, but I didn't come out until I was 30. In fact, I was married for over six years to a wonderful woman and finally got divorced due to my sexual orientation. In my case, I always knew that I was gay, but I tried so hard to convince myself that I was straight. I suppose what I'm trying to say is that you probably already know in your deepest thoughts what your orientation is, and it sounds like from your post that you believe you are straight. If that's the case, then accept and embrace it. If it's not, than accept and embrace the alternative. Life's too short to beat yourself up over this overly publicized issue. Whatever the case, you are a wonderful, amazing person that deserves to be happy.
I'm a 35-year old gay male, but I didn't come out until I was 30. In fact, I was married for over six years to a wonderful woman and finally got divorced due to my sexual orientation. In my case, I always knew that I was gay, but I tried so hard to convince myself that I was straight. I suppose what I'm trying to say is that you probably already know in your deepest thoughts what your orientation is, and it sounds like from your post that you believe you are straight. If that's the case, then accept and embrace it. If it's not, than accept and embrace the alternative. Life's too short to beat yourself up over this overly publicized issue. Whatever the case, you are a wonderful, amazing person that deserves to be happy.
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Guest
Thank you for the post. When I even think about the possibility of being gay, it makes me so anxious I could have a panic attack... literally. This is going to sound so strange, but let me tell you when I first got this feeling. My husband was deployed to Iraq and I had a new 6 month old baby (on my own) and I had just returned to the grey skies of Washington. Since, I had just been home for Christmas, I was extremely depressed about having to be alone again, not to mention my baby happened to be extremely difficult. So,I was up late watching Oprah and her show was about happily married women that in their later years fell in love with women. I had never had a panic attack before, but it started with me thinking, "OMG, that's what's wrong with me, that's why I'm not happy. What if I'm gay? What if this happens to me?" And then, boom, my first panic attack. Of course, I thought I was going crazy. I had to go to the ER and everything and had to get a shot to calm down. Of course they put me on Zoloft and after a few months I began to calm down a bit. But, I can't seem to work the program for the fear that these thoughts won't go away. I don't think I'm gay, never gave it a second thought actually, but the mere thought about the possibility seems to throw me into a panic ever since that show. This also might sound strange, but when I was watching that Oprah show, I thought, "why is God doing this to me? Why all of a sudden do I have to realize I'm gay?" I mean, surely that's not how you discover your gay right? I have actually never even been homophobic until I had my first panic attack. It's now interfering with my marriage because I think about it a lot and am too embarrassed to talk to anyone about it. I mean, even when I try to accept the fact that maybe I am gay, it makes me anxious as heck. I feel like a total outcast and don't understand why this thought is so overwhelming for me. At first I was convinced that if I felt so scared of it, it must be true. I still need help getting some of these answers figured out so I can get a piece of mind. Please!!!!
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Guest
LoveBug -
I'm sorry that you're suffering through this. But you need to ask yourself a basic question and answer it honestly. Ask yourself if you are consistently aroused by others of the same sex as you. As far as I know, that's the only way you can tell if you're gay since it's the definition of homosexuality. If you are consistently sexually aroused by other women, then you are probably gay or at least bisexual. However, if you are not, then you can't be gay. You may have some occasional instances when you feel attracted to another person of the same sex, but that does not necessarily make you gay. It's only when you constantly find yourself sexually attracted to other women.
I don't know if you are gay or not, but from your post, it sounds like you believe you are straight. If that's the case, then you're having an obsessive irrational fear. I remember several years ago I was struck with an obsessive irrational fear that instantly made me panic. I suddenly had the thought that I might hurt someone close to me, specifically stab them. Deep down I knew that I wouldn't do anything like that, but I kept having the fear and kept asking myself what if I did do it. I finally brought it up to my therapist at the time who was able to work with me through the fear by pointing out how irrational it was. It was completely out of my character and it is something I would never do. He explained to me that I was so fearful of the thought that the fear kept me thinking about it. Once I let go of the fear, the thoughts stopped.
There are so many things that could happen to us that we have no control over so there is no point in worrying about them. I suppose it is possible that you could go through life as a straight women and then suddenly become gay. However, I think it's highly unlikely. It's also possible that an asteroid could fall from the sky and crash into your house from above while you're reading this, but that too is highly unlikely. The point is, in either case you don't have any way of changing outcome, the likelihood that they will come true is minimal, and worrying about it won't help. So, the alternative is to let go and keep on living your life as normal.
I realize that letting go is a very hard thing to do. It sounds like you don't have anyone to talk to about this. I'd be happy to keep corresponding with you. But you might want to consider talking to a professional. It would be completely confidential and you can make the appointment for simply obsessive thoughts and anxiety. Professional therapists, counselors, psychologists, and psychiatrist are trained to deal with obsessive thoughts and can give you much more information and guidance than I can.
Either way, please feel free to write. I'm happy to share my experiences with you and give you any insights I may have, but please realize that I can only give you advice from my limited experience. Nonetheless, I can still listen and give encouragement.
Don't let this get you down. Keep working through this and fight for a better life. I hope that soon you won't be burdened with these thoughts anymore.
Warmest regards,
Jamie
I'm sorry that you're suffering through this. But you need to ask yourself a basic question and answer it honestly. Ask yourself if you are consistently aroused by others of the same sex as you. As far as I know, that's the only way you can tell if you're gay since it's the definition of homosexuality. If you are consistently sexually aroused by other women, then you are probably gay or at least bisexual. However, if you are not, then you can't be gay. You may have some occasional instances when you feel attracted to another person of the same sex, but that does not necessarily make you gay. It's only when you constantly find yourself sexually attracted to other women.
I don't know if you are gay or not, but from your post, it sounds like you believe you are straight. If that's the case, then you're having an obsessive irrational fear. I remember several years ago I was struck with an obsessive irrational fear that instantly made me panic. I suddenly had the thought that I might hurt someone close to me, specifically stab them. Deep down I knew that I wouldn't do anything like that, but I kept having the fear and kept asking myself what if I did do it. I finally brought it up to my therapist at the time who was able to work with me through the fear by pointing out how irrational it was. It was completely out of my character and it is something I would never do. He explained to me that I was so fearful of the thought that the fear kept me thinking about it. Once I let go of the fear, the thoughts stopped.
There are so many things that could happen to us that we have no control over so there is no point in worrying about them. I suppose it is possible that you could go through life as a straight women and then suddenly become gay. However, I think it's highly unlikely. It's also possible that an asteroid could fall from the sky and crash into your house from above while you're reading this, but that too is highly unlikely. The point is, in either case you don't have any way of changing outcome, the likelihood that they will come true is minimal, and worrying about it won't help. So, the alternative is to let go and keep on living your life as normal.
I realize that letting go is a very hard thing to do. It sounds like you don't have anyone to talk to about this. I'd be happy to keep corresponding with you. But you might want to consider talking to a professional. It would be completely confidential and you can make the appointment for simply obsessive thoughts and anxiety. Professional therapists, counselors, psychologists, and psychiatrist are trained to deal with obsessive thoughts and can give you much more information and guidance than I can.
Either way, please feel free to write. I'm happy to share my experiences with you and give you any insights I may have, but please realize that I can only give you advice from my limited experience. Nonetheless, I can still listen and give encouragement.
Don't let this get you down. Keep working through this and fight for a better life. I hope that soon you won't be burdened with these thoughts anymore.
Warmest regards,
Jamie
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Guest
Lovebug
sorry you are feeling so alone and vulnerable.I think having a hubby deployed is very very trying and it leaves one feeling so very insecure. I was married to an Army guy and the longest we were apart was 4 months and it was horrible. I had so many feelings , good and bad going thru my mind. It was a hard time. And I was in Germany with no friend or family around . Totally alone. SO I feel your pain and I will be thinking of you and praying you can find some peace.
Take Care
Jilly~
sorry you are feeling so alone and vulnerable.I think having a hubby deployed is very very trying and it leaves one feeling so very insecure. I was married to an Army guy and the longest we were apart was 4 months and it was horrible. I had so many feelings , good and bad going thru my mind. It was a hard time. And I was in Germany with no friend or family around . Totally alone. SO I feel your pain and I will be thinking of you and praying you can find some peace.
Take Care
Jilly~
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Guest
Searunner and jillzmind: Thank you so much for the support. I actually read an article that someone had posted under OCD and disturbing sexual thoughts and it has pretty much subsided my thoughts. It's amazing. I am a little in shock how much it has helped. Just to know that there are others, that I'm not a "freak" is so helpful. I had never been homophobic at all, but I would get anxiety just watching Ellen's show. It was so bizarre, but I am just thankful that I am confident once again about who I am. This was also hard to talk about because I also didn't want to offend anyone who is gay or bisexual because at the end of the day, it doesn't really matter to me, ones sexuality. That's one of the things that started the anxiety... well I never felt that way before and thought it was God telling me I was gay. My therapist had also given me confirmation that God does not all of a sudden tell you you're gay, but you couldn't have told me different before. Whew, relief for me. Thank you though so much for the support, it truly means a lot that you all were supportive of me.