Hi all,
I had a really bad meltdown on Saturday!! I was out of control..I couldn't stop shaking, crying..I was CRAZY---all I could think of is I needed to go to the hosptial because I knew there was something wrong with me. My husband is wonderful and finally calmed me down enough to the point I was rational.
Since then, I have been feeling very jittery, especially in the morning and right before I go to bed. My dizziness has ben out of control. I have been super focused on my vision as I am so afraid that I am going to lose my vision. I have had terrible headaches and my muscles are burning to the point where my arms, legs, and face go numb. The unreality feelings are just out of control. I feel as if my life is just passing me by.
I work in the medical field and of course part of my job is to evaluate people's symptoms--and I do my own constantly!! My biggest fears are stroke, multiple sclerosis, cancer, and heart attack.
I have never been the same since my mom died 7 years ago. (she was 52 and died suddenly)I am in the process of selling my house. I just got married a year ago and my husband is wonderful!! My husband suggests that I need to get out of my current job as I work in a nursing home and deal with deah and dying everyday. I am so scared of getting sick and having to go to the hospital (ironic, eh?).
I am sorry this is so long but I just needed to throw it all out there. If anyone can suggest anything, I would appreciate it. I feel as if my life is slipping me by. I watched my poor mother die in my arms and watched her suffer with anxiety and OCD for my whole life and I don't want to do that to myself. Please help!!
Major Setback--HELP!
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Guest
First of all I am so sorry to hear about your Mom- I can't even begin to imagine what that has been like for you. I am freakishly close with my Mama and don't know what I would do with out her, so my heart goes out to you. I woke up a week ago heaving and feeling like I was going to throw up, shaking, crying, breathing heavy, and felt like I was running a fever. I went to my Dr. later that week and she told me I had a panic attack and she put me on Celexa (antidepressant) and she gave me some Xanax to kind of take the edge off. I have been on the meds for 5 days now, and I'm not 100% better, but I feel way better than I did a week ago. I would suggest going and getting on some kind of medicine, and maybe talking to a therapist. I have an appointment next week. I'm nervous about talking to a stranger, but it can't hurt right 
I think maybe a job change couldn't hurt either! I couldn't do that everyday. My Nana is a CNA and I hear horror stories from her about her job. It takes a VERY special person to do what you guys do. Anyways sweetie, you aren't alone. I felt like my entire world had crumbled around me a week ago. I didn't leave my home for 5 days...and now I am back at work and just taking it one day at a time. You'll be in my prayers tonight. I hope you feel better!
Daniele
I think maybe a job change couldn't hurt either! I couldn't do that everyday. My Nana is a CNA and I hear horror stories from her about her job. It takes a VERY special person to do what you guys do. Anyways sweetie, you aren't alone. I felt like my entire world had crumbled around me a week ago. I didn't leave my home for 5 days...and now I am back at work and just taking it one day at a time. You'll be in my prayers tonight. I hope you feel better!Daniele
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Guest
Hi, Labourg,
I'm so sorry and my heart just goes out to you. Do you have this program? It really will help you. I've had many setbacks before, and unfortunately, some of my setbacks could have interfered with my husband's job performance and they effected my son who has severe autism. So, I've had setbacks where I piled some major guilt on in the process. I am a Christian, and in one of my worst times, I was sure that God was mad at me. After all, my anxiety was hurting my husband and son. However, God comforted me the most with His love at that time. After that experience I learned that God loves me unconditionally even at my very worst, that He understood the stress and trauma that I had been through that had caused my anxiety, and I could then move forward out of a place of love.
So, my advice is the following: First of all, you are not alone in having a major setback and anxiety meltdown. The worst thing you can do is call yourself "crazy" and pile guilt on yourself. And if you were to be "punished", having the anxiety is punishment enough, so there's no need to add more pain. You aren't alone, I promise. You just need to learn new coping skills to deal with stress.
Secondly, you are under real stress. You developed anxiety when your mother passed away. That means you have an identifiable trigger. You've just gotten married, bought a house, and you work in a very stressful place. So, you are not "crazy", but you are reacting physically and emotionally to a lot of stress. Just one of those situations could cause a lot of stress, and you have multiple sources of stress. Again, this program will teach you coping skills to manage stress so that it doesn't come out in anxiety.
I agree with your husband that you do not have to work at the nursing home. What is it that motivates you to do that line of work? From your description, it doesn't appear to be something you enjoy, but I could be wrong. If it is something you enjoy, I say stick with it, but if it's causing you too much pain right now, it's O.K. not to do it. I'm sorry to share such a long story, but when my son was first diagnosed with autism, I got a job while he was in school, and it was a job working with kids with autism in the school system. We were very poor, my self-esteem was low, and I just wanted to do some meaningful work. I look back now and wonder how the agency thought it was a sane idea to hiar me when my son had just been diagnosed with autism. I got to see how the children were treated behind closed doors. I was younger and seemed too young to have a child with autism, so the teachers and other aids didn't seem to mind exposing their abuse in front of me. I literally had the worst panic attack of my life one day going to pick up my son because I had told my therapist that I wanted to quit and he disagreed with me. When I called my husband, he said, "You don't have to work there anymore." It was obviously too much stress, and the ramifications lasted a long time for me, and I regret it. The years that followed were confusing for me to find my calling. I have a degree in library science, and I always thought that I would love being a Children's librarian. However, since I have a son with severe autism, and I noticed that working with children who are younger than my son but far outpace him causes me too much pain. Also, I initially went to school for social work after his diagnosis and my nervous breakdown. You would have thought that I would have learned! It was supposedly to help him, or for me to be able to help others since I had been through so much with him. However, I eventually realized that the best way to help was to be here for him as his mother. I'm open to helping people, but I need to do so in a way that doesn't tax me, which ends up hurting him. I found that the best way to do that was to volunteer to help others in a way that fits with my schedule with him and where I have a lot of control.
So, my advice is to really look at your motivations for the work your doing. Make sure that it isn't out of co-dependency, either. I'm not telling you to let anxiety and OCD make the decision for you and quit a job you love, that's not it at all, but I have found that sometimes, there are situations where anxiety and OCD take over when we aren't taking care of ourselves or feel obligated to do something we don't really want to do but can't admit(co-dependency).
I hope I haven't ruffled any feathers. I just really want you to know that you aren't alone in having a setback, you aren't crazy, you are under a lot of stress, this program will help you with your coping skills, if I can be helped anyone can:)-the depersonalization was one of my most chronic and uncomfortable symptoms that I thought would never heal but it did:), and just consider your motivations for doing a job that's causing you a lot of stress.
Take care,
luvpiggy
I'm so sorry and my heart just goes out to you. Do you have this program? It really will help you. I've had many setbacks before, and unfortunately, some of my setbacks could have interfered with my husband's job performance and they effected my son who has severe autism. So, I've had setbacks where I piled some major guilt on in the process. I am a Christian, and in one of my worst times, I was sure that God was mad at me. After all, my anxiety was hurting my husband and son. However, God comforted me the most with His love at that time. After that experience I learned that God loves me unconditionally even at my very worst, that He understood the stress and trauma that I had been through that had caused my anxiety, and I could then move forward out of a place of love.
So, my advice is the following: First of all, you are not alone in having a major setback and anxiety meltdown. The worst thing you can do is call yourself "crazy" and pile guilt on yourself. And if you were to be "punished", having the anxiety is punishment enough, so there's no need to add more pain. You aren't alone, I promise. You just need to learn new coping skills to deal with stress.
Secondly, you are under real stress. You developed anxiety when your mother passed away. That means you have an identifiable trigger. You've just gotten married, bought a house, and you work in a very stressful place. So, you are not "crazy", but you are reacting physically and emotionally to a lot of stress. Just one of those situations could cause a lot of stress, and you have multiple sources of stress. Again, this program will teach you coping skills to manage stress so that it doesn't come out in anxiety.
I agree with your husband that you do not have to work at the nursing home. What is it that motivates you to do that line of work? From your description, it doesn't appear to be something you enjoy, but I could be wrong. If it is something you enjoy, I say stick with it, but if it's causing you too much pain right now, it's O.K. not to do it. I'm sorry to share such a long story, but when my son was first diagnosed with autism, I got a job while he was in school, and it was a job working with kids with autism in the school system. We were very poor, my self-esteem was low, and I just wanted to do some meaningful work. I look back now and wonder how the agency thought it was a sane idea to hiar me when my son had just been diagnosed with autism. I got to see how the children were treated behind closed doors. I was younger and seemed too young to have a child with autism, so the teachers and other aids didn't seem to mind exposing their abuse in front of me. I literally had the worst panic attack of my life one day going to pick up my son because I had told my therapist that I wanted to quit and he disagreed with me. When I called my husband, he said, "You don't have to work there anymore." It was obviously too much stress, and the ramifications lasted a long time for me, and I regret it. The years that followed were confusing for me to find my calling. I have a degree in library science, and I always thought that I would love being a Children's librarian. However, since I have a son with severe autism, and I noticed that working with children who are younger than my son but far outpace him causes me too much pain. Also, I initially went to school for social work after his diagnosis and my nervous breakdown. You would have thought that I would have learned! It was supposedly to help him, or for me to be able to help others since I had been through so much with him. However, I eventually realized that the best way to help was to be here for him as his mother. I'm open to helping people, but I need to do so in a way that doesn't tax me, which ends up hurting him. I found that the best way to do that was to volunteer to help others in a way that fits with my schedule with him and where I have a lot of control.
So, my advice is to really look at your motivations for the work your doing. Make sure that it isn't out of co-dependency, either. I'm not telling you to let anxiety and OCD make the decision for you and quit a job you love, that's not it at all, but I have found that sometimes, there are situations where anxiety and OCD take over when we aren't taking care of ourselves or feel obligated to do something we don't really want to do but can't admit(co-dependency).
I hope I haven't ruffled any feathers. I just really want you to know that you aren't alone in having a setback, you aren't crazy, you are under a lot of stress, this program will help you with your coping skills, if I can be helped anyone can:)-the depersonalization was one of my most chronic and uncomfortable symptoms that I thought would never heal but it did:), and just consider your motivations for doing a job that's causing you a lot of stress.
Take care,
luvpiggy
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Guest
i just want to say I'm sorry for your pain and I know what it's like to have setback after setback, as it seems to be the theme of my life.
I am also currently in another "setback" as I have become avoidant and mostly housebound again, worrying about the blood clot in my eye, renewing my lease, getting my car fixed, etc.
I have sort of drifted away from the program which I started 2 weeks ago, and hoping to get back into it. Thank you for sharing your experience as just knowing I'm not alone helps. So I hope it also helps you to know you are not alone. You have many people here who are also constantly worrying about their health, etc.
I know I'm not offering you any help but hopefully just knowing we're here helps a little.
I am also currently in another "setback" as I have become avoidant and mostly housebound again, worrying about the blood clot in my eye, renewing my lease, getting my car fixed, etc.
I have sort of drifted away from the program which I started 2 weeks ago, and hoping to get back into it. Thank you for sharing your experience as just knowing I'm not alone helps. So I hope it also helps you to know you are not alone. You have many people here who are also constantly worrying about their health, etc.
I know I'm not offering you any help but hopefully just knowing we're here helps a little.
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Guest
It is not uncommon for nurses or doctor assistants to have phobias about their health. They are human beings like anyone else.
The thing is that I would like you to look at is that you are doing this to yourself. You must see this. Step back when you catch yourself in thought about all these issues on health. Begin to watch and to see your reaction to them. Change your reaction to them. This takes time and practice.
You can leave your job, of course, but wouldn't you rather not have it control you? Expose yourself on purpose. Tell yourself that you choose to be there so that you can consciously expose yourself to these fears. One at a time. When the anxiety comes, welcome it in. The more you expose and feel the anxious feelings the more you will overcome them. But you expose to them willingly. Gradually. If you have a therapist in your area who can guide you through this it would be very supportive for you. Someone who understands the process that OCD people need to go through. She or he could be someone you would turn to once a week until you no longer needed them for support. A good book to help you understand the process is Freedom from Fear by Dr. Howard Liebgold. It's not an easy path but one well worth your efforts. You move at your own pace.
Change your attitude toward your job as a way to help you grow and heal. Your sensitivity makes you an incredible nurse, and, with practice, you can be sensitive without over reacting.
You're really in a perfect place. All those things you fear you need to welcome in. Make them OK. There is where you will find your peace.
The thing is that I would like you to look at is that you are doing this to yourself. You must see this. Step back when you catch yourself in thought about all these issues on health. Begin to watch and to see your reaction to them. Change your reaction to them. This takes time and practice.
You can leave your job, of course, but wouldn't you rather not have it control you? Expose yourself on purpose. Tell yourself that you choose to be there so that you can consciously expose yourself to these fears. One at a time. When the anxiety comes, welcome it in. The more you expose and feel the anxious feelings the more you will overcome them. But you expose to them willingly. Gradually. If you have a therapist in your area who can guide you through this it would be very supportive for you. Someone who understands the process that OCD people need to go through. She or he could be someone you would turn to once a week until you no longer needed them for support. A good book to help you understand the process is Freedom from Fear by Dr. Howard Liebgold. It's not an easy path but one well worth your efforts. You move at your own pace.
Change your attitude toward your job as a way to help you grow and heal. Your sensitivity makes you an incredible nurse, and, with practice, you can be sensitive without over reacting.
You're really in a perfect place. All those things you fear you need to welcome in. Make them OK. There is where you will find your peace.
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Guest
Don't feel bad. I have had 2 major panic attacks since I started the program. I'm learning to talk myself down. They are frightening. I can't tell you how many times I have gone to the hospital in years past. I once spent 3 days and nights crying in a hospital - even while I was sleeping. My mother always talked like I was not going to live past 12 years old. I had my first major operation when I was 3. My appendix burst in the Dr's hand. It was the size of a 200 lb person. This created in me a fear of death. When i turned 21 i said well i made it to 21! i have had 14 major operations in my life but I am still here now 67. But wil this course I am creating a whole new woman. Hold on. You will have good and bad days. We really learn from the bad days and are thankful for the good days.