Total meltdown

ItsOkayThisIsGood · Post by **ItsOkayThisIsGood** » Wed Jul 08, 2009 6:20 pm

I just feel so overwhelmed, Day 3 of program, my OCD and perfectionism and becoming aware of all the layers of my screwed-upness are almost more than I bear at the moment.

I feel fried, frazzled, over-caffeinated, PMSing, and just plain crazy. I HATE ANXIETY, I HATE OCD, I HATE ALL OF IT AND 2-3 DECADES OF THIS FRICKIN' NIGHTMARE!!!!

I hate what it takes to get better! How does anyone ever make it through this dastardly disorder???

Why did I have to be like this? Why Why Why Why. Why did I have to be the child of someone who had a nervous breakdown at age 40? Why do I have to be 39 now and afraid it will happen to me too?

I don't know any other way to be. I am scared to death of this program. What if I give it my all and it doesn't work? Nothing else has ever worked for me!!!! I can't stick with anything! What makes me think I'll be able to stick with this program this time, right now?

I'll try so hard and overthink it and try to do everything all at once, and just pressure myself and end up feeling so exhausted that I'll abandon it before I even have a chance to see it work! That is my worst fear right now.

I have disappointed myself with my high expectations too many times to count. I am so fed up with myself I don't even know where to begin. Why do I even keep trying? How many times on this roller coaster can I possibly take?

Sorry, I just want to lay down and die already. I hate this stupid disorder. General anxiety, social anxiety, OCD, depression, back spasms, a crooked spine, a caffeine & sugar & junk food addiction. WHEN WILL I EVER GET IT RIGHT????

This is my last hope. If I don't do this program, I will end up in a wheelchair being fed avocados every half hour just like my mother!!!!! (from adrenal failure, aka nervous breakdown)

by the way, these are the rantings of a woman who had WAY too much coffee and sweets today! Still want that latte? Still want your cookies? This is your brain on junk!!!!

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Thu Jul 09, 2009 5:13 am

sending you s cyber hug ((hug)) take care
and I hope today goes better and that you can play the relaxation tape and give yourself some
TLC.
peace to you.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Thu Jul 09, 2009 5:43 am

Your post does sound like someone who has had a tad too much caffeine and sugar. The way you are feeling is what so many of us here have gone through. I would suggest trying to break one habit at a time so that you don't overwhelm yourself and feel defeated and pressured. We all have gotten to the point of wanting "everything to go away right now". What happened to your mother doesn't mean it will happen to you also. Your 'what ifs' are getting the upper hand in your head. Instead of focusing on the 'why am I like this, and why did I have to be the child of someone who had a nervous breakdown?" try focusing on what you can do for yourself right now and what steps you can take to help yourself. Taking a proactive approach will help take the focus off unproductive thinking and put it on something productive that you can do for yourself. Your fate is not sealed just because of what happened to your mother. You can work out of this. If you can't stop the caffeine, sugar, and junk food all at once, try working on one at a time. Having success on one of them will give you the motivation and confidence to go on to the next one. When you work on the program tell yourself even the smallest progress will be good, see even the tiniest improvement as a success and tell yourself this frequently.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Thu Jul 09, 2009 5:58 am

Dont worry you wont have the same situation as your momm . You are 2 totally diffrent people . You are way to aware of what could happen so even if you started feeling it you would get yourself a doctor or read some great selfhelp books . Just say to yourself , today I didnt have a nervouse breakdown and the odds of me having one tommorw are highly unlikely !!!

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Thu Jul 09, 2009 8:18 am

I can definitely relate to you 'okay' I too have my moments...

I've been struggling getting through my days at work... I've been taking things soooo personally and I get really upset I feel like I'm just going to burst into tears... I don't know how to stop taking things personally but I just feel like I'm not good enough and that everyone I work with thinks I'm a moron. Just the littlest bit of criticism and I'm and idiot and worry... Its so frustrating to be so upset like this. any suggestions? it would be really appreciated - thanks

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Thu Jul 09, 2009 9:28 am

Thanks you all, I appreciate your support.

I'm doing really badly today, basically out of commission as I say. Yeah, I guess my what-if thinking has got the best of me. Good advice, I'll try to live moment to moment and get control of all these past & future thoughts swimming in my head. Just a little bit will do just fine.

I did the relaxation CD earlier and then went to bed to take a nap. Then I woke up with my head flooded with bad memories and thoughts and was crying. Now I'm just tired again.

My instincts are telling me I need to start Session 2 immediately. I've been trying to force myself to go slow this time and do it perfectly, but realistically, I'm familiar enough with the material in Session 1 audio due to over 20 years of self-help books and therapy. It's time to listen to the panic attack CD. I don't experience them like other people seem to - for me, it's more like these meltdown episodes, but I guess it goes in the category of one big long panic attack.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Thu Jul 09, 2009 2:09 pm

((((((((((((())))))))))))))'s It sounds like you have been through a lot in your life. I'm sorry for that. I had a real bad childhood so I can relate. You're gonna be just fine, first you need to set a resonable goal. Perfection only exists on the Donna Reed show...it's not real so don't set yourself up to fail. That in itself will overwhelm you. I have OCD but I remind myself that it's never gonna be "perfect" but thats OK...it's still a hell of a lot better then nothing.

I'm no expert here...only in my second week but I did find that reducing my caffiene and drinking lots of water are helping me a ton. Try just cutting back on your coffee...hopefully it will work as well for you as it did for me.

Keep us posted on your progress

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Fri Jul 10, 2009 8:21 am

Hi Okay-

I used to get caught in the trap of having to fix everything at once and then feeling so overwhelmed by perfectionistic yearnings that I would do nothing for fear of failing or criticism. So, then I would procrastinate so I wouldn't fail, but still give the illusion of trying.

Oh boy-- My husband would tell me that I can only live one moment at a time. Like I can't get cranked up about a whole vacation for a week. I have to do it one day at a time, bit by bit, and be flexible along the way.

I agree with getting sugar, white flour and caffeine out of your system and getting exercise to use up your extra adrenaline.

You are in just the right spot to be working on the program. You sound like all the rest of us have felt at the start. Right on target. And you'll be fine and do great. You have the perseverance to keep looking for answers after 20+ years of feeling this lousy. You are AWESOME!! Feel free to e-mail. I'd love to help you on your way, like others have helped me.

Terri

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Sun Jul 12, 2009 10:46 am

Its okay this is good-You sound like me and believe it or not thats comforting. Other people have similar problems I worried also about being like my mother. I suffer from anxiety and depression when I get nausea.Been to every Dr. in world who state I am physically fine. I hope and pray this program works . I lost my wife, my dog and my son married and moved. i guess loneliness gets to me. I now at least realize im not crazy but insecure.write back or contact me at VSSCTravel@aol.com for im chatting.Anyone welcome