Happy & Sad at the same time??????

TNL · Post by **TNL** » Tue Jun 16, 2009 5:46 am

I recently posted this same thing to another user named surfgirl.

I donated a kidney to my bro-in-law on June 14th, 2007 (2 years ago) I was in the hospital for 3 days, during that time my Uncle was admitted to the same hospital & 2 1/2 weeks later he passed away. I was very close to him & lived with him for a few years while I was in high school. Then 3 months later, my cousin's baby girl was diagnosed with a cancerous brain tumor. She has since had surgery & chemo and is cancer free...PRAISE GOD!

My anxiety started about 4 months after the kidney surgery. I had so much attention from the whole town about donating the kidney that I could hardly stand it. People were greeting me, asking me how I was doing, telling me super nice things & how brave I was to be able to go thru with it, they were even sending cards with money in it! There were 3 articles in the paper about me - one was for donating, one was for a benefit dinner to raise money & one was by a lady saying that I should be considered an Angel. Now, don't get me wrong, all of this stuff was good & really nice...but I'm not one that wants or needs to be in the spotlight and I believe that the county-wide attention was a BIG part in what caused my anxiety/panic attacks (which I don't have panic anymore)
The other thing I truly believe is a major cause is that I did not & still do not know how to cope with my feelings & emotions - I had to be happy because the surgery went perfectly - yet, grieve & be sad at the same time because my Uncle passed away. He did not even know that I did well thru the surgery. Very, very mixed up for me.

After the surgery, I was not allowed to drive for 2-3weeks, I could not pick up my 2 smaller kids for 4-6 weeks (I could hug them, let them sit in my lap, etc... just could not fully pick them up off of the floor, bed, tub etc...) I just remember not being allowed to do a whole lot.

Anyway, I do believe that our bodies are very sensitive to what we do to them. I'm wondering if the removal of the kidney has caused me to be 'off balance' within myself? I mean if pregnancy takes up to a year for your body to balance out, then I'm wondering now how long a kidney removal can take?

Please don't send any scary information about what has happened to someone else....I am very sensitive & may start freaking out & I don't need that.

I often wonder why God would allow me to give life to another while taking someone so close to me. I know I should never question God or wonder why He allows things to happen a certain way, it's as if I don't trust that He knows what He's doing...but I really do, I just don't know how to deal with my human side.

The following things have taken place in my life within a 4month time period (2yrs ago) between June & October 2007:
1. Kidney Surgery - 2. Quit job of of 8yrs to stay at home with 2 small kids - 3. Uncle died - 4. Moved my Mom in with me (already have hubby, 4 kids, sister!!!)

Sorry this is SO long! If you have any advice or comments that might help, I'd appreciate them. Prayer is always welcome!!!

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Tue Jun 16, 2009 7:23 am

Thank you for your response luvpiggy
I appreciate your insight & realize that I need to just let it all out (I feel like I've done this several times in the past 2 years)

It's still just a difficult situation for me & I'm sure God will heal my inner conflict about this.

Thank you so much for taking the time to post! I also have been reading Psalms - it seems like the best book in the Bible right now to help me.

Thank you again!

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Tue Jun 16, 2009 7:33 am

Maybe books written by the Christian psychologist Pam Vredevelt could help you. Some are out of print, but amazon.com has some of them. She is someone that really understands women and anxiety and grief. She says that at a minimum, it takes five years to grieve the loss of someone you love, and that depends on the length and strength of your connection with them. So, it's been two years for you, but it was multiple traumas. That doesn't mean that you are going to be stuck in the same stage of grief for a long time and that your life will be horrible though. It just means that there are real reasons for why you are experiencing what you are, there isn't a time table, and it's knowing that even though you are going to be in the grieving process for a while, you will still experience times of acceptance and joy. I don't know if you are familiar with the book, "Sparkles of Joy in the Cesspools of Life", but while you are grieving, you can still experience moments of joy, as you have already pointed out.

No problem about giving any advice that could possibly help you. My heart just goes out to you, and I will be praying for you.

God bless you,
luvpiggy

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Tue Jun 16, 2009 7:49 am

luvpiggy
Thank you again for the post! I will gladly accept the prayers & appreciate it SO much!!!

My name is Tracy (for when you are talking to God!) ~ Thanks again!!!

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Tue Jun 16, 2009 3:56 pm

TNL...I think you are a VERY courageous, kind, generous, loving and compassionate human being!!!!

You have been through sooo very much in such a short period of time...There is no wander you are having sooo many mixed emotions...I think anyone would have these type of emotions, considering all that you have gone through!!!

Now, it is your turn to be extremely kind and compassionate to yourself!!!

I am sure God will be abundantly merciful towards you, since, you have shown mercy to others!!!

I pray you give yourself a little time to recuperate from the surgery, the changes in your household, the illness of your loved one, as well as, the loss of your uncle....

I will say a prayer for you...God Bless...