)I've come very far in my journey to recovery on my own, but the one thing I can't seem to kick is my jealousy and insecurity with my boyfriend of almost 2 years. It's actually got to the point where I've basically made him push everyone from his life other than myself. I have good reasons for some things, but others are probably very irrational.
There were a few friends that I didn't approve of, one in particular, for very good reasons. My boyfriend would go out all night with them and he wouldn't even call me other than to say he was leaving, so basically I only saw him on the weekends. They're idea of fun was driving around doing stupid and very dangerous things. I was so anxious about it all the time but I suffered through it because I really had no choice. But my last straw was one night when I was getting ready to come home from his house. I was messing with one of his tool boxes and opened a drawer and found a bag of cocaine in it! I freaked, obviously. My parents were drug addicts, and it ruined my childhood, so I thought I would have saw the signs if he were doing it. Turns out he wasn't actually doing it, but it belonged to that friend of his that he went out with every night, and he was "holding" it for him because the guy couldnt keep it at his own house. But in conclusion to that, I gave him the choice between that friend and me. He chose me, but the "damage" had been done. Since then, almost a year ago, I have had a hard time trusting him. And on top of that, I've developed this AWFUL jealousy with him even talking to other females. I've actually made it so he has to lie about talking to them, so when I find out, I'm even more insecure because he lied and I convince myself that the lying just HAS to mean he's cheating, even if it doesn't. I get so afraid that he'll find someone else to be interested in because I'm such a spaz. It's also gotten to where I depend on him so much that I stopped hanging around with my own friends as well, like he's the only one in my life (but thats changing. I started going to the gym with my best friend the other night and I felt great. For the first time in forever I felt fine not being with him. A huge accomplishment for me!)
Deep down I know he has resentment towards me because he doesn't do anything anymore. He gave up all of his friends instead of just that one, I actually don't know why. Maybe I drove him to that as well.
I don't know what to do. This is one of the main things that I still have a constant anxiety over. Is anyone else jealous and insecure? How do you cope with something like this? Am I being irrational about everything? I feel so trapped because of the anxiety from it.
I am probably the only person with jealousy and and insecurity as severe as this, but if anyone has actually finished reading all this, any advice/input would be highly appriciated.
Thanks guys
