Ms. T Bones - I read your post and my heart really goes out to you. You have been such source of encouragement for so many on this forum, but it also takes a lot of courage to admit that you yourself are going through some tough issues and are hurting and now need encouragment and support yourself, and I hope you know you have it. Thank you for sharing your story.
I'm sorry that my post is so long, but it is from the heart from one sister in Christ to another. I am sorry that your friend has cancer. I will keep you both in my prayers. I won't go into a long thing about why God allows bad things to happen or illness - I think you know this already, but still when it happens to someone we are close to our emotions take over and we ask "why?". You are hurting for your friend and it is a totally normal reaction and all you can do is call upon the Lord for strength and comfort. But I understand what you are saying - even as a Christian, sometimes we say, "enough already Lord, I've had all I can take for now." You are strong Ms. T and have come such a long way, but it's OK to break down and just cry to the Lord too.
As for the situation with your son, I really feel for the whole situation because it's something I struggled with spiritually over the last year - I myself married young, and not really for the right reasons, and subsequently divorced and when I got right with Lord again I worried a lot that something bad would happen to me over my past mistakes. It took a long journey of prayer, self examination, scripture study and counsel to finally both forgive myself and accept God's forgiveness in this area.
I can't go too much into my personal story, but I can say that if your son can seek some pastoral counseling, that would be most helpful, regardless of whether he continues on this path or not. What I wish I could go back and tell my young self now is that when you marry young before you really have a chance to grow and develop, you have a lot of unreasonable expectations about marriage. Yes, sometimes we marry the wrong people and rush into things. That doesn't mean God can't heal a situation like that. But each person has to be right with God in their own respect before they can even begin to love in a way that is required in a marriage.
I have compassion for your son, but I have compassion for your daughter-in-law as well. It doesn't sound like she grew up in a good situation either and probably didn't receive love herself and therefore has no idea what it means to love or put someone else's needs before her own. The fact that she is a poor housekeeper seems trivial compared to running around drinking and cavorting with other men. It sounds like she grew up in a dysfunctional home and has carried on the patterns she was taught. It is understanding that you would focus on all she has done wrong or her bad qualities to justify your son leaving her, and it may be truly be what is necessary for your son. But also she is lost and needs the saving grace of Jesus to transform her and she needs prayer too. Who is beyond the long arm of the Lord.
That being said, it may not mean your son should stay in a marriage with her though but I also would highly encourage your son not to pursue the relationship with the new girl at this time. He's running purely on emotions and wants to feel good, but it's really very confusing to get into a new relationship so soon. If you could encourage him to just wait on that. Let his relationship with his wife run it's course whatever it may be and if that is divorce, then he will need time to be alone and heal. A new person won't allow him to go through the healing process that he needs to go through. Believe me, I know this from personal experience and regret. If this new girl and him are meant to be, she will be there a year from now.
Also, I really understand what you are saying about worrying that something bad will happen to him or God will be angry with him if he goes through with this, and you are very concerned that if he does divorce, that is under Biblical grounds. But please don't get caught up in the legalism of all that. God is more concerned about the people in the marriage than the institution itself. I don't say this lightly. I've extensively studied all the scriptures regarding divorce and I know it is not God's best for us or His plan. But we fall short of that in so many areas of our life, not just marriage, and that is why He sent a savior to begin with. Yes, it is God's desire for us to marry for life, but it is also his desire that we all are raised in Godly homes where we are taught His ways, and we are definitely not all brought up that way. We bring that into our relationships and we fail at them, and believe me, God understands that. I know you said you brought your son up that way, but it doesn't sound like his wife was and he got into a relationship with her. It was broken to begin with.
Also, on the subject of legalism, remember the context is that Jesus was talking to Pharisees who were challenging him. They wanted to trap Jesus in to taking sides with one rabbi's teaching versus the other. They were discarding their wives for trivial reasons and replacing them with newer models, and they thought they were perfectly justified to do so because they were "lawfully" divorcing and remarrying. Jesus was telling them that their hearts were in the wrong place, regardless if it was lawful and it was akin to adultery. But your son is considering divorce, not for trivial reasons (hopefully), but because your daughter in law is engaging in behavior that is not that of a loyal, committed supportive wife.
Also, even when no adultery is involved we are human and sin and fall short, and sometimes we realize that after the fact in a divorce, and sometimes we know it but we are so clouded by our own hurt and emotions in a divorce situation. For me, I was young and immature and was more concerned about my own personal happiness than what was God's will for me at the time. I knew intellectually that God never wants two people to divorce, but at the time of my divorce I really was thinking more of myself and wasn't living as a true disciple, nor was my then-husband. I know now that we both had to find our true fulfillment from the Lord first before we could ever be anything to each other. We rushed into separation, then new relationships, then divorce and we never even considered giving the Lord time to heal the situation.
Your son is on his own journey of growth. It's wonderful that you raised him in a Christian home and you can continue to guide him, but God will work on him in His own time and His own way. And please don't worry that He will be angry with your son or punish him for this. God is a loving father and I'm sure it just grieves him that this is happening to your son and I'm sure He also loves your daughter-in-law and wants her to be His child as well. I think God is grieving for your son in the same way that your are - as a parent. But think about it - are you shutting your son out in anger or are you trying to help him through this time? Are you "out to get him" because of what he is doing? Of course not and God won't either.
One passage that helped me regarding this issue is after the ever famous verse "I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." What many don't read on to is "All of us who are mature should take such a view of things. And if on some point you think differently, that too God will make clear to you. Only let us live up to what we have already attained."
Your son can only live up to what he has attained in his spiritual growth at this time. Even when he married this girl - was he a true believer at the time, was she? They are so young and have so much growing up to do.
I think the best thing you can do is just be there for your son during this time - don't judge him or his wife, but just love them and pray for them. And for yourself, remember that God knows exactly how you feel. He sees his children go through this time and time again, but honestly I think he would rather have two people right with Him, but not together, than together in a relationship that does not glorify Him or where they don't have the right relationship with Him.
Cry out to the Lord as one parent to another and He will meet you there. Just let go and let Him carry you.
Take Care and God Bless.
I Am Going Through a Difficult Time!!!
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First of all, I need to thank G-man-bub, for his timely response!!!! I truly appreciate your words of wisdom on this one!!! And, I cannot thank you enough for your prayers!!! My family, and I, sure do need them....Thank You G-man, and I mean that from the depths of my heart!!!
Melanie...I sure do appreciate your honest input on this one!!! I am not out to have my ears tickled; I am searching for the truth.
My son was a very young Christian when he met his wife. He had only been saved for about one week!!!
I know that you are right when you say that he should not be running to this other girl. I told him that, myself. I explained to him that by doing so, he was running from his own feelings, and in the long run, this would only make matters worse.
As for their marriage, his divorce lawyer told him a week ago, that if the divorce was not contested, then, they would be divorced within a couple of weeks.
My son and her have not spoken since the separation. They totally avoid one another.
They do not even communicate over the phone, or in any other manner!!!
My son continues to see this girl, anyhow. There is absolutely nothing that I can do about it, since, I have advised him more than once on this one, and he just isn't heeding my advice!!!
I guess we just have to learn things the hard way. I just pray he doesn't end up hurt by this new girl. She does come from a good family, but, I don't agree with him seeing her, since, his divorce has not been finalized!!!
I do believe him when he says that he hasn't had relations with her yet, because he always tells me the truth, regardless. He said that he would never do that, and him married...He was very adamant about that!!!
I talked to this girl one on one, and she said that she respected him for not having any type of relations and him still married. So, as of a few days ago, he hadn't committed adultery....I am pretty sure of that one!!!
I agree that my son is following after the flesh, right now, instead of going the Lord's route. You are absolutely right about that!!!
If he were going the Lord's route, then, he would be in church, and putting all of his faith and trust in God, instead of, in some girl...
My hubby and I attend church, regularly. My son sees us getting dressed, and we never fail to ask him to attend. He never says anything, because he knows we are giving him wise counsel...
I guess for now, I will just have to leave this in the Lord's hands. I cannot live my son's life for him, and he has to learn these things for himself....
As for my daughter-in-law, I am sure that she wasn't given the proper love she needed at home. I did my very best to make it up to her, but, to no avail. She just could never accept the fact, that her mother didn't love her the way she deserved to be loved. She would always go out of her way to try and win her mother's love and approval.
Her mother kinda reminds me of a statue. She doesn't seem to have any type of emotions, at all. I have never met anyone like that in my entire lifetime.
And, to beat it all, her mother is a social-worker, and works with troubled teens. I wish she knew how to show love to her very own!!!
I did everything in my power to make my daughter-in-law feel loved. I took her out to eat, bought her clothes, spent quality time with her, and tried my best to show her my love for her. It just seemed like nothing worked!!!
I want to express my gratitude to each of you for taking the time out of your day to respond to this posting!!! I really needed to hear all the input of others, who, are outsiders looking in!!!
May God Richly Bless Each and Every One of You is My Prayer!!!!
Melanie...I sure do appreciate your honest input on this one!!! I am not out to have my ears tickled; I am searching for the truth.
My son was a very young Christian when he met his wife. He had only been saved for about one week!!!
I know that you are right when you say that he should not be running to this other girl. I told him that, myself. I explained to him that by doing so, he was running from his own feelings, and in the long run, this would only make matters worse.
As for their marriage, his divorce lawyer told him a week ago, that if the divorce was not contested, then, they would be divorced within a couple of weeks.
My son and her have not spoken since the separation. They totally avoid one another.
They do not even communicate over the phone, or in any other manner!!!
My son continues to see this girl, anyhow. There is absolutely nothing that I can do about it, since, I have advised him more than once on this one, and he just isn't heeding my advice!!!
I guess we just have to learn things the hard way. I just pray he doesn't end up hurt by this new girl. She does come from a good family, but, I don't agree with him seeing her, since, his divorce has not been finalized!!!
I do believe him when he says that he hasn't had relations with her yet, because he always tells me the truth, regardless. He said that he would never do that, and him married...He was very adamant about that!!!
I talked to this girl one on one, and she said that she respected him for not having any type of relations and him still married. So, as of a few days ago, he hadn't committed adultery....I am pretty sure of that one!!!
I agree that my son is following after the flesh, right now, instead of going the Lord's route. You are absolutely right about that!!!
If he were going the Lord's route, then, he would be in church, and putting all of his faith and trust in God, instead of, in some girl...
My hubby and I attend church, regularly. My son sees us getting dressed, and we never fail to ask him to attend. He never says anything, because he knows we are giving him wise counsel...
I guess for now, I will just have to leave this in the Lord's hands. I cannot live my son's life for him, and he has to learn these things for himself....
As for my daughter-in-law, I am sure that she wasn't given the proper love she needed at home. I did my very best to make it up to her, but, to no avail. She just could never accept the fact, that her mother didn't love her the way she deserved to be loved. She would always go out of her way to try and win her mother's love and approval.
Her mother kinda reminds me of a statue. She doesn't seem to have any type of emotions, at all. I have never met anyone like that in my entire lifetime.
And, to beat it all, her mother is a social-worker, and works with troubled teens. I wish she knew how to show love to her very own!!!
I did everything in my power to make my daughter-in-law feel loved. I took her out to eat, bought her clothes, spent quality time with her, and tried my best to show her my love for her. It just seemed like nothing worked!!!
I want to express my gratitude to each of you for taking the time out of your day to respond to this posting!!! I really needed to hear all the input of others, who, are outsiders looking in!!!
May God Richly Bless Each and Every One of You is My Prayer!!!!
Hi Ms. T. - I'm sorry - I didn't the realize the process was so far along.
You are right - you can't live your son's life for him - you can just encourage him and pray for him - it's sounds like you have done all you can do. As a parent, you want to protect your child, but he is an adult and will learn and grow through his ups and downs just like all of us.
It is so nice that you tried so hard with your daughter-in-law. At least you planted some seeds - perhaps they will take root and grow someday. I guess all you can do is pray for her. Some people are just so far gone, they don't know how to receive love, an in-turn, give it.
I am sure in the end it will all work out for good - it just takes time. You are doing all the right things - just take care of yourself and be kind to yourself. You will all be in my prayers.
You are right - you can't live your son's life for him - you can just encourage him and pray for him - it's sounds like you have done all you can do. As a parent, you want to protect your child, but he is an adult and will learn and grow through his ups and downs just like all of us.
It is so nice that you tried so hard with your daughter-in-law. At least you planted some seeds - perhaps they will take root and grow someday. I guess all you can do is pray for her. Some people are just so far gone, they don't know how to receive love, an in-turn, give it.
I am sure in the end it will all work out for good - it just takes time. You are doing all the right things - just take care of yourself and be kind to yourself. You will all be in my prayers.
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Thank you so much Melanie!!! It really is the saddest thing, that I have ever gone through!!!
I have tried my best to accept this situation, as it is!!! I know that "acceptance" is the key to healing!!!
Just when I feel like I have accepted the inevitable, then, I will hear something about my daughter-in-law, and it just re-opens my wounds!!!
God knows that I truly loved her, and still do. I do realize that it is not about her and me, but, her and my son!!!
I have found this to be one of the most difficult things, that, I have ever tried to deal with!!!
I will keep you, as well as, the others, updated on this one, since, I totally appreciate everyone's input on this one...
I just love everyone, and I feel for everyone!!!
This is my personality!!!!
In the meantime, I will just have to let go and let God.....Thanks Again...God Bless
I have tried my best to accept this situation, as it is!!! I know that "acceptance" is the key to healing!!!
Just when I feel like I have accepted the inevitable, then, I will hear something about my daughter-in-law, and it just re-opens my wounds!!!
God knows that I truly loved her, and still do. I do realize that it is not about her and me, but, her and my son!!!
I have found this to be one of the most difficult things, that, I have ever tried to deal with!!!
I will keep you, as well as, the others, updated on this one, since, I totally appreciate everyone's input on this one...
I just love everyone, and I feel for everyone!!!
This is my personality!!!!
In the meantime, I will just have to let go and let God.....Thanks Again...God Bless
Ms T,
I am so sorry for what you are going through, and even more so, of course, for your sick friend and for your son.
It sounds like his wife is a piece of work and it is good that they divorce before they had children. I won't go into details, but I have dealt with the consequences of a marriage like the one you describe, and I think you should be grateful that they split now... It could have been much, much worse if there were children involved.
I'm sure your son needs to feel loved right now, but I agree with you that it's too early for him to be in a new relationship. He should spend some time considering why he chose the wife he chose, and why he didn't think he deserved better, someone who respected him more and treated him better.
However, as parents, we have to let our children go at some point, we can't micro-manage them once they have moved out and are adults...
I am so sorry for what you are going through, and even more so, of course, for your sick friend and for your son.
It sounds like his wife is a piece of work and it is good that they divorce before they had children. I won't go into details, but I have dealt with the consequences of a marriage like the one you describe, and I think you should be grateful that they split now... It could have been much, much worse if there were children involved.
I'm sure your son needs to feel loved right now, but I agree with you that it's too early for him to be in a new relationship. He should spend some time considering why he chose the wife he chose, and why he didn't think he deserved better, someone who respected him more and treated him better.
However, as parents, we have to let our children go at some point, we can't micro-manage them once they have moved out and are adults...
Hi Everyone,
I am feeling much better, now. I just found out from a very truthful source, that my son's ex-wife is doing great!!!
I, also, found out that she is pretending to be the one who is getting the divorce. She told a certain party, that she was getting a lawyer, so, she could get her maiden name back...
I know this to be an absolute lie, since, I read the divorce papers and it said right there in black and white that her married name would change back to her maiden name....
My son is waiting on the divorce papers to be signed by her, and returned to his lawyer's office!!!
The divorce papers were sent out last Tuesday, and I know for a fact that she has received them...
Hopefully, she will sign them and return them, as soon as possible!!!
I just want to get all of this negativity behind me!!!
I need to take the opportunity to thank each and everyone of you for your prayers!!!
I am feeling soooo much better, mentally, as well as, physically!!!!
I think I am making peace with this one!!!
Thanks Again...May God Bless You All!!!!
I am feeling much better, now. I just found out from a very truthful source, that my son's ex-wife is doing great!!!
I, also, found out that she is pretending to be the one who is getting the divorce. She told a certain party, that she was getting a lawyer, so, she could get her maiden name back...
I know this to be an absolute lie, since, I read the divorce papers and it said right there in black and white that her married name would change back to her maiden name....
My son is waiting on the divorce papers to be signed by her, and returned to his lawyer's office!!!
The divorce papers were sent out last Tuesday, and I know for a fact that she has received them...
Hopefully, she will sign them and return them, as soon as possible!!!
I just want to get all of this negativity behind me!!!
I need to take the opportunity to thank each and everyone of you for your prayers!!!
I am feeling soooo much better, mentally, as well as, physically!!!!
I think I am making peace with this one!!!
Thanks Again...May God Bless You All!!!!
ANGELS CAN FLY BECAUSE THEY TAKE THEMSELVES LIGHTLY
Ms.T Bones, I am so sorry to hear about all that you are going through! I will definately pray for you and your family, as well as your friend.
Sometimes we don't understand why things happen, but we must believe that God has it all figured out, AND I KNOW YOU DO
You are such an inspiration here, on these boards! You ALWAYS have something positive and encouraging to say. Keep up that attitude my friend!
I totally understand the "stress" of dealing with things that come up in our childrens lives. I especially do Not LIKE it when I must sit back and watch them make mistakes(Or potential mistakes) We may not always agree, but one must "let go and let God" as you put it in another post.
I don't really have the right words for you, my friend, I just needed to respond to your post and let you know that I am praying for you.
I love ya and will keep in touch.
God bless you and yours
Sometimes we don't understand why things happen, but we must believe that God has it all figured out, AND I KNOW YOU DO
You are such an inspiration here, on these boards! You ALWAYS have something positive and encouraging to say. Keep up that attitude my friend!
I totally understand the "stress" of dealing with things that come up in our childrens lives. I especially do Not LIKE it when I must sit back and watch them make mistakes(Or potential mistakes) We may not always agree, but one must "let go and let God" as you put it in another post.
I don't really have the right words for you, my friend, I just needed to respond to your post and let you know that I am praying for you.
I love ya and will keep in touch.
God bless you and yours
"O God, you are my God. Earnestly I seek you;my soul thirsts for you, my body longs for you, in a dry and weary land where there is no water. I have seen you in the sanctuary and beheld your power and your glory. Because your love is BETTER than life,my lips will glorify you. I will praise you as long as I live, and in your name, I will lift up my hands." Psalms 63
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Dearest Robin,
You must have been posting at the exact same time as me, once again...LOL..
We have always done that one, huh???
Thank you for your prayers!!!!
I prayed for you and your children today. I, also, prayed for Shifrah, Cornflower, and G-man!!!
I always ask the Lord to remember the others here on the forum, whom, I do not know quite as well!!!
Love Ya Bunches...God Bless
You must have been posting at the exact same time as me, once again...LOL..
We have always done that one, huh???
Thank you for your prayers!!!!
I prayed for you and your children today. I, also, prayed for Shifrah, Cornflower, and G-man!!!
I always ask the Lord to remember the others here on the forum, whom, I do not know quite as well!!!
Love Ya Bunches...God Bless
Hi Ms T et al....
Gman thank you so much for the affirmations about my response, that really touched me!
Ms. T please keep us updated on the situation, I would like to continue to pray for you.
I'm sure your DIL is just telling people that she initiated the divorce for ego's sake. Just tell yourself "so what..." try not to let that get to you. I know if could be super-annoying...people want to be recognized for this and that, it's so petty and stupid. God knows the truth and that is all that matters!
About your question re the adultery, I'm not sure that it matters when it happened, and you said your son was under the impression that she never did anything, but you came to find out later that she did.
My BIL went through 2 divorces - the first wife because she committed adultery more than once and he couldn't take it anymore, they had 3 kids and it really messed them up. The second marriage lasted less than a year and he fought tooth and nail against it, wouldn't sign papers for anything and it had to go through the courts. They got married very soon after they were both divorced and blended a lot of kids, it was like the Brady bunch, it was too soon and they were very different with parenting methods and there was just way too much drama between them and their families.
So my BIL didn't pursue another relationship for a very long time. He went through a lot of guilt and didn't feel he deserved to be married again since the second divorce didn't happen under Biblical terms. Eventually he did start meeting people though eharmony, eventually he found a good Christian woman and they got married this past January. She has been through 2 divorces as well, and his kids are all out of the house, she's childless so it seems to work well between the two of them.
I hope my kids find wonderful spouses, I try to pray for their future spouses as much as possible!
I do hope your son seeks some pastoral counseling, maybe he'd consider going with his new friend so they take a step in the right direction toward a healthy relationship. Thank goodness no children are involved in this and I pray this all goes through smoothly!
Loves ya...
Shif.
Gman thank you so much for the affirmations about my response, that really touched me!
Ms. T please keep us updated on the situation, I would like to continue to pray for you.
I'm sure your DIL is just telling people that she initiated the divorce for ego's sake. Just tell yourself "so what..." try not to let that get to you. I know if could be super-annoying...people want to be recognized for this and that, it's so petty and stupid. God knows the truth and that is all that matters!
About your question re the adultery, I'm not sure that it matters when it happened, and you said your son was under the impression that she never did anything, but you came to find out later that she did.
My BIL went through 2 divorces - the first wife because she committed adultery more than once and he couldn't take it anymore, they had 3 kids and it really messed them up. The second marriage lasted less than a year and he fought tooth and nail against it, wouldn't sign papers for anything and it had to go through the courts. They got married very soon after they were both divorced and blended a lot of kids, it was like the Brady bunch, it was too soon and they were very different with parenting methods and there was just way too much drama between them and their families.
So my BIL didn't pursue another relationship for a very long time. He went through a lot of guilt and didn't feel he deserved to be married again since the second divorce didn't happen under Biblical terms. Eventually he did start meeting people though eharmony, eventually he found a good Christian woman and they got married this past January. She has been through 2 divorces as well, and his kids are all out of the house, she's childless so it seems to work well between the two of them.
I hope my kids find wonderful spouses, I try to pray for their future spouses as much as possible!
I do hope your son seeks some pastoral counseling, maybe he'd consider going with his new friend so they take a step in the right direction toward a healthy relationship. Thank goodness no children are involved in this and I pray this all goes through smoothly!
Loves ya...
Shif.
Shif.
If you don't like something change it; if you can't change it, change the way you think about it.
If you don't like something change it; if you can't change it, change the way you think about it.