is there any hope?

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Fri Mar 27, 2009 5:00 am

Hello darkcloud,

First I would lke to say that I think judyg is so right on here, this is about pin pointing a specic problem, and she has done that so well.

Could it be that you are trying really hard to run away from these feelings? When you try to avoid the feelings, and distract yourself because you fear the feelings then the feelings become stronger, because you are fearing them.

Sounds like an oxymoron I know, but the very fact we fear the feelings, is what makes them show up in the first place.

So how about just gently allowing the negative thoughts to come in, and possibly stop fighting them so hard.

At first this may seem unconfortable, but that will not last long, it is just the thoughts rearing up there ugly heads, so you will take notice fear them. And keep in mind that they are only doing this because you have told them they should, (not intentionally of course).

When you allow the negative thoughts to come in, and actually welcome them, they lose there power over you, and they just stop coming, because basically you are telling them there is nothing to fear. Your mind will only believe what you are telling it.

Say for instance there is something you are really really afraid of, and you get around that (something) be it a spider or snake etc..you obsess about the feared object, and it causes you to fear it even more and then it is not about the feared object anymoe, but more about the fear of the fear. That is really what a phobia is all about, just the simple fact of fearing the fear and the way the, (fear makes you feel, not the feared object). The object is not doing anything, it's the thoughts that are creating the fear.

I know this sounds redundant, (well because it is redundant), but it is so important to stop fighting the negative thoughts, and just say "come on in negative thoughts, and I will take care of you, one by one" and really believe it, and then the thoughts wll not have such power over you, because you are inviting them in, and they will slow down, which in turn will give you a chance to start counteracting them, in a more gentle way.

Hope this helps and is not to confusing, (well I don't mean confusing for you,
I mean confusing in the way I wrote it), now I'm confused!

KeithFB · Post by **KeithFB** » Fri Mar 27, 2009 10:51 am

Not..and you are welcome from the bottom of my heart

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Fri Mar 27, 2009 2:30 pm

Hello all, I track my depression and anxiety back when I was 21, about 14 years ago, I was in a relationship with my first love, we had been together for almost 5 years and produced a son together. Leading up to the night of my episode, I knew that she was going to break up with me. She was in her second year of college, and I found myself in a dead end job, living at home. The anxiety and depression hit me and for sure about two months later she broke up with me. I truly loved her, and think I still might. I know I need to let go of her but I believe that is the root of my problem. I just don't understand how the ending of a relationship could cause these severe, eerie feelings.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Fri Mar 27, 2009 4:55 pm

OOOPPPSSS
Hi darkcloud,
I guess the whole spider snake thing does not really apply to you

.

Have you thought about talking to someone about your profound loss, it has obviously had quite an impact on you.

What was it about her that you miss so much? Are you realistic about what she was actually like and what you remember her to be?

Remember when we lose someone close to us we have a tendency to focus on only the good parts about them and forget about the parts that we would have changed if we could have.

I really feel for you darkcloud and I know you are suffering. But did you know that once you have gone through the program your whole perspective changes? It really does, and, negative, hurtful people, and people from our past just seem to fall by the wayside and completely lose there power over us.

Even though you two have a child together she still seems to have an emotional hold on you that is not healthy.

That is why I am such a firm believer that no major decisions should be made until this program is completed. Even though I know the break up was several years ago, going through this program I believe may help you to release this emotional hold.

Do you get to see your son? Let us know how you are doing, because I do follow your posts closely and will help anyway I can.

Take Care,

Dixie1980x · Post by **Dixie1980x** » Sat Mar 28, 2009 4:02 am

I see him once a year for about a month in the summer. They live in Florida and I in Pennsylvania. I guess I may just be in love with the thoughts of the old times with her, when I was happy, and that is what I miss. I don't know. Thank you for following my posts, I look forward all the time to coming on this site, just to read, and relate to other peoples problems.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Sun Mar 29, 2009 4:03 pm

darkcloud
I was you some years ago. Old girlfriend thing. It controlled my thinking for many years into my marriage with my wife. She didn't stand a chance of making me happy, as the "perfect" girl for me had married another, and another. I even thought that her two "bad" relationships might have been her searching for something she had experienced with me and was again searching for! Wow what you can imagine when your current life isn't working!

I have met someone now, (currently I am separated from my wife) who has shown me that I can feel those things again with someone else! The euphoria of that first serious girlfriend can be felt again at any age. At the first signs of problems with my wife in our early years, I would think of how different life could have been with the former girlfriend. No basis of truth, but how I felt when I was around her. A stud! She was popular and cute and I felt like a stud when she and I were together.

The truth though was that I was upper classman and she dug me for the ride to school and the status of walking through the halls with a senior! Yeah we had fun together but there was no reality that it would last beyond high school. I wanted it to, but no chance. It took me 10+ years to get that though. On my own.

Don't let these things control you another day. That little girl that you have now will be the recipient of a more experienced and mature father than your son could have had.

Know that you are only limited by how large your box is. If you "box" yourself into thinking that happiness is based on where you were as a teen, you can never rise above that. You are now 35, right? You have so much more to give your daughter, to a relationship, even yourself than you could at a young age.

Go back to work leading the way, not submissive to finding a way out. The way out of a problem is through it. On the other side of your successes, no matter how small, tell yourself "job well done". Don't wait for others to praise you or promote you. Praise yourself, treat yourself to a long lunch. Write down what positives you created by working through or finishing something. Write down what you overcame to turn negatives into positives. This over time, will change everything you do.

And go out and buy that girlfriend a card and let her know what she means to you, if she is someone you wish to stay with, and know that you will feel the good things and more with someone besides your first love, if you love yourself first.

Your value is greater to that 4 year old and girlfriend than it can ever be to a dream girl from the past. She doesn't exist. Those around you need you to love yourself so they can feel loved.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Mon Mar 30, 2009 2:51 pm

thank you mailman, i do love my fiance' she has done so much for me and is the greatest mother to our daughter. I want to show them love, in the worst way, but i just can't find the motivation and energy to get to close. The feelings of depersonalization make it so hard to interact with co-workers, friends, even my daughter and fiance. I want to be the best I can be, but as hard as I try, i just cant shake it, i need to get a hold of myself, my thoughts, everyday I hope and pray for relief, but it just doesn't come. I need to start a new life for the sake of my family. Looking forward to more input and advice. Bless Your heart.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Tue Mar 31, 2009 5:33 pm

dark cloud,
i feel for you and understand your pain. i am in a complicated relationship that i think is at the root (or at least one of the major reasons) of my problem w/ anxiety and depression. i agree w/ all of the above posts (they were insightful to me too) and believe you should give yourself a pat on the back for how strong you really are. patience, as frustrating as it is, i think will ultimately help (us) as it takes time to change our unhealthy thought patterns. i will keep you in my prayers. you are strong and you will be okay.
"The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you."

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Tue Mar 31, 2009 5:37 pm

not,
i want to thank you for your posts. everyone here is so kind and thoughtful, but i have to agree w/ mrs tbones in that there is something special about you. i found your posts to be especially comforting and helpful. so thanks, and God Bless you.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Thu Apr 02, 2009 9:18 pm

There is definitely hope. We just need to brighten the darkness that clouds our mind. It is tough no doubt. But we have to find that inner peace. Find that inner spot in your mind and body and allow it to light our way. Helping someone else deal with their emotions could help you. Love is another great tool. Both giving and receiving. The more you give the more you receive.
We can get through this we are here with you walking the same path. The light is there I promise you that. Let's find it together. You are NOT alone my friend.

Originally posted by darkcloud:
Hi, I was happy all my life. I am 35 years old now and have suffered since the age of 21. One night when I was just about to fall asleep, whammo something hit me like a ton of bricks. Feelings of unbelievable fear and anxiety. I feel that I am the only one who feels this way, why can all these other people be happy and all I do is worry and fret. Am I going crazy?? Since that night I have never felt the same. I need to find some way to get out of this, my life is so empty, i want to be able to do the things i used to enjoy, but can't. I pray that I can get a hold on this for the sake of raising my beautiful innocent 4 year old angel