Marriage

writeitout · Post by **writeitout** » Thu Sep 20, 2007 2:55 pm

Nelly: Thank you for your post! In fact, I think it was very similar to your first post. Repetition for emphasis, right?! Thank you for sharing your personal marital experiences with me. I'm always interest in knowing the challenges others have faced, and how they dealt with them.

If you re-read my very fist post, the one I started this thread with, you might notice that I've already decided to stay in my marriage. I guess you missed that.

What I'm suggesting is a Marriage forum, (if you go to the Forums page, you'll see that we have been invited to suggest a forum). I came to General to see if there would be any interest. And there is!

Those that have responded in favor of a marriage forum will probably use it for the same reason I suggested it, and for the same reason all of us are on these boards. To offer and receive support.

BTW: I never posted anything about anyone walking in my shoes. That was someone else.

Atagirl · Post by **Atagirl** » Thu Sep 20, 2007 3:42 pm

There are so many of us out there, I am sure, that have a troubled marriage and are dealing with anxiety and depression. Me included. I would love a forum on marriage for support but think we all need to be very cautious about encouraging decisions to stay or go. That ultimately must be all of our own decisions and only ours and probably with the help of professional counsel be it a pastor or other professional. After starting this program, it confirmed to me that my marriage partner was causing so much of my anxiety as he is choosing a livestyle that is very contrary to my desires and beliefs. Trying to be a supportive spouse under these circumstances has been very hard and almost impossible in some instances. I am feeling much different already and working hard at not being and acting like a victim always looking to the ground like a puppy with it's tail between it's legs. My husband has taken notice and is definately nervous and/or curious. He, for the first time, is uncertain and is hovering over me trying to figure me out. When he quit his job again, I didn't cry or complain but I did not pity him nor am I taking part in confirming or showing empathy in his personal justification for his actions. He sits each night in front of the TV with his beers, I just stay away completely and devote my time to completing my work (I'm holding down three jobs) r working on this session. I guess I've become a bit distant from him, but I think it is because I am no longer trying to please him. Right or wrong, I feel a change in the air and I don't know the outcome. It is sure nice to share things with you all out there, I don't feel so alone.

Vegasmomof4 · Post by **Vegasmomof4** » Thu Sep 20, 2007 4:07 pm

Right or wrong, I feel a change in the air and I don't know the outcome. It is sure nice to share things with you all out there, I don't feel so alone.

Wow, it sounds like the program is working for you. Good job

dj63 · Post by **dj63** » Thu Sep 20, 2007 4:28 pm

atagirl, keep going girl

i also went through this same bunch of bs with my husband. my change came long before this program. he was controlling, jealous,hateful pain in the @ss. i didn't have anxiety or depression at that time.i filed for divorce. shocked the hell out of him. i took my life back. he became nice. i stayed with him. but he was and still is my #1 stressor. he talks obsessively.repeats small talk over and over. has nothing nice to say about anyone. gives me nervous tension. i could go on and on. yes, i would love to have a marriage forum. lets do it

dana

StacyD · Post by **StacyD** » Thu Sep 20, 2007 5:14 pm

OK since the topic is marriage I need to share... maybe vent right now! I am trying to be "less affected and more effective". Need some advice please! Tonight my husband was very tired and instead of getting up and dealing with issues around him.. kids, dog, bedtime he just sat on the couch and started yelling at everyone. I confronted him in an assertive manor instead of jumping up and taking care of everything. He didn't like it but stopped. About 5 minutes later he left something out and the dog got into it. I pointed it out nicely to him... but once again did not clean it up. Well he decided to take his frustration out on the dog...not abusive but frustration no doubt. I asked him calmly to stop. He shouted at me, " this is not the time to have a voice!" Basically telling me to shut up. It really hurts to be treated this way while trying my best to do the right thing.
I guess I am still working on the balance of everything right now. I am trying to work the program, but feel really frusterated right now.
I know it is a process for me... but also for my husband who is not used to me having a voice.
OK... thanks for listening. I welcome anything you have to offer!
Thanks,
Stacy D

cfe · Post by **cfe** » Thu Sep 20, 2007 7:33 pm

Originally posted by writeitout:
I've identified my marriage as the major source of my anxiety and depression. Is anyone interested in a marriage forum? I need support for my decision to stay with my marriage, and develop coping mechanisms for dealing with the stress.

as cindylou said it so well, I won't reiterate. How long have you had the program? Lesson #4 "I will not should on myself, and I will not should on anybody else" Marrage situations are very toutchy, and as a forum can only hear one side. I can't see what any of us could do. The ups and downs in all marriages eb and flow with the growth of the marriage. emotions realy come in with marriages because no one can hurt you more than the one you love the most. no wear else is the compassion for yourself, and the person you love harder. P.M.S. deprssion, anxiety, are all very hard on marriages. this program is based on the Fact that we can only change outselves, we have no control over other people's choices, and that so includes spouses.
I can see the frustration you are showing with the few posts that do not agree with you already.

I would have to say. I don't think a hen party wear every one comes to complain about their spouse would be productive. There is a reason why marriage couceling needs both people. to learn to comunicate. This program, is about making changes in our personal thinking and acting, and taking responsibility for our own happyness, becomeing our owne safe place. Their is a reason their is no marriage forum, in each of your posts the reason is very apparent, you are still playing the blame game. We need to take ownership of our way of thinking, and as Mello explained. People (all people including spouses) have been trained by us, how to treat us, and we realy need to show them compassion, and give them space to learn to react differently to the new you. They did not have the luxury, of haven taken this class with you and they will not be growing with you at the same rate. So cut the guy some slack and allow your relationship some growing pains. You term it critical, but I believe you asked for imput as to weather or not a marriange forum would be helpfull. I don't think so.

[cindylou,
I deal with the same thing... my husband has unrealistic expectations of myself and the kids, but doesn't think he does! I would love to participate in a marrige forum.
Stacy D]

This situation lacks the understanding, compassion, and forgiveness, necessary to move forward, it needs a comunication forum. and as I began in this post. there is a lack of "I need to change the way I comunicate my needs, and allow people to treat me" Instead of "he is wrong and won't see it". We must take responsibility for ourselves only, we are the only ones we can change. Blameing, or even expecting others to change their ways is contrary to; us learning to cope with people who do not see their faults, and how we keep their choice from impacting us. "Be less affected, and more effective" Lesson #9, speakes to how we must stop being the victim of the situation, and make a change.

"I started counseling and realized he has NO CLUE how can he change if he doesn't think he is doing anything????? But how can we expect them to change??"
Vegasmomof4 ; is so right our spouses already learned to cope with our moods, and anxietys, now they need time and they need us to comunicate to them our needs, something I never did in 30 years. I always thought if he loved me he would just do things, like think of my needs himself. I learned men and women don't think alike at all. Men are predominently takers. and Women are predominently givers. but we all need appreciation. to offten that is missing, when we don't think enough of ourselves to let our spouses know our needs. it comes down to "you have not because you ask not, or you ask amiss. I also found that when I tryed to see it from his perspective, I was not listening or always thinking of his needs ither. I have found marriage needs constent upkeep.

I suggest your forum be on 'compassionet coping skills' with friends and family, or 'new comunication skills with friends, and family', I found that as I was able to take responsibility for my owne happyness,to be less affected, so I could be more effective, and stop the missunderstandings with direct, (unemotional) comunication. my husband began to understand I was changeing and at first I don't think he liked it, but now he is getting the hang of it, and it has made our marriage stronger and much happyer. I did catch on from the beginning I had no right to should on him. I had plenty of that going on in my owne life, and it took me time to stop shoulding on myself. Life is much eaiser now that I am not the only one that knowes how to turn the earth. and when I let go of some things that was weighing me down. I found out the world revolved with out my hand in it at all and when I gave my husband the honor of doing things his way it wasn't perfect but it always workd out just fine, that gave him the pride, and confidence, witch he has built on, and now his way is very nearly perfect.

Work the program, make the changes you need to make in you, You will be amased how much better the rest of the family will get. once you get happy!

writeitout · Post by **writeitout** » Fri Sep 21, 2007 2:41 am

I'm on my way out this morning, and will have to come back later to carefully re-read each post. I just wanted to say that this is great! It does feel good just to vent, (or write it out), does it not?!! Just to get it off your chest! I will see about actually getting a Marriage Forum started, but in the meantime, we've already started the discussion, and this is a wonderful place for us to gather. Thanks to all of you for your support!

Oh, and use the program to cope with those that write negative posts, trying to make you feel guilty for wanting a forum to discuss marriage. That is their own stuff coming to the surface, and making them feel threatened. Thus, they lack the ability to be supportive.

Jacob's Mom · Post by **Jacob's Mom** » Fri Sep 21, 2007 2:55 am

Hey everyone - count me in for the marriage forum. I could have written everything that was has been stated! A marriage forum would be great!

Thanks!

Mello Nello · Post by **Mello Nello** » Fri Sep 21, 2007 3:44 am

writeitout,
I apologize,, I put your name on my second post, it really wasnt to you...
I was writing it to another poster here....
For all those having these problem in thier marriages,, I trully hope and will keep you in my prayers. Whatever you do, dont give up, and keep going forward.... take care Nelly:)

Atagirl · Post by **Atagirl** » Fri Sep 21, 2007 3:52 am

Morning All - As I read the notes I think we all need to remember that we are all starting to see things clearer and/or differently. My spouse has the personality that I married 20 years ago. I made the choice to marry a person with those traits, it is not his fault. He really hasn't changed a whole lot. It is me that has allowed things to progress the way they have because of my doubts, my fears, my insecurities. None of this is an overnight fix. Where I thought I had all the problems, I am seeing that my spouse has so many unresolved issues, emotional issues, etc. Even though many times, especially lately, that I have that urge to flee, separate myself, from it all, I am holding firm that perhpas as I become stronger, more confident, more directed that the example will help all of those around me--Just as Christ called us to live by example so that we are contagious, people will want to know what we have that enables us to hold our heads so high, to laugh, to face challenges. That is my desire for all of us. That no one (even our spouses) looses in live, love, etc. Yes there will be some tough decisions to face as we get thru this, but as we learn to give compassion to ourselves, so must we learn not to become hardened to those around us who have been comfortable with our old self. Give them time. Give yourself time.