Problems with relatives - need prayers desperately

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Tue Mar 17, 2009 11:00 am

G-man...I watched this video and it is very inspirational. I really enjoyed it...Thanks for sharing with me...You are talented...God Bless!!!

NinjaFrodo · Post by **NinjaFrodo** » Tue Mar 17, 2009 11:27 am

Thanks Ms T,

I am glad that you liked it.

Did you view the source to see the message in the code? I did that in March 22, 1996, that's my son's birthday.

I have to go back to an earlier post. I have a hanging bold tag. I make enough speeling an grammatical errors, and hanging tags can be confusing to people.

I think the reason the link you provided before that didn't work because of the "..." at the lead and end of the url link. If you went in to edit it, and just hit the return key, before you enter the url link, this problem might be avoided in the future. It's just a suggestion.

Okay, my Bunifa Kitty is getting anxious about something. Let me get the rescue relief, of course it goes in her food or she would never go for that. It really has worked wonders for her and helped me too. No more of her crying and moaning at 2 AM. That alone gives me some relief. I wish we could hear back from Cariadlawn. I have been thinking about her most of the day. I am expecting a huge Suddenly for her and lots of healing and reconciliation too.

Gotta run, I am getting yelled at.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Tue Mar 17, 2009 5:58 pm

cariadlawn,
I believe that you have done the right thing to separate yourself from an abusive situation. Send granddad a card, but don't submit yourself to situations that are intentionally intended to hurt you. You don't need that. Have they changed? Have they said that they were sorry that they hurt you? Have you ever told them that they hurt you? It may do well to write a letter or two. They may get mad. Be prepared for that. But you need to give them the chance to change, even if the only thing you get out of the situation is that you made the right choice in putting distance in there. But I wouldn't do that by going to a birthday party where you know you are going to be mistreated . How is that going to help you, them or your baby? I agree that you work for healing, but you do it from a distance until they change and it is safe to get closer. You can love someone and put a distance there. That's respecting yourself.

I have relationships that I have had to cut off for my own good. I don't hate them. I just can't be around them. To keep peace, mostly inside of me, I stay away. I hate that I've had to do that. Now, if they change, genuinely change, THEN I might consider opening the door to them again. But as long as they don't respect me as a person of worth, then I don't need to allow them to mistreat me- whether they be family, friend, or foe.

I believe firmly in forgiveness. Let go of the past. But that doesn't mean that you intentionally set yourself up for more of the same kind of treatment.

I hope that I'm making sense. I hope that this helps.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Tue Mar 17, 2009 11:47 pm

Now, after all that, I received a phone call just now informing me that my grandfather has had a heart attack and is in the hospital. He apparently is going to be ok, but given the timing of this, I can't help but feel like somehow it's my fault, you know?

This is one of the things they talk about in the latest session I've been listening to. You feel like you are really affecting people, but the fact of the matter is that everyone is so engrossed in their own lives they really aren't thinking about you as much as you believe.

You were good to release them from your lives. No matter how old they are or what their status is to you (grandparents, etc.) you do not deserve that kind of treatment and have every right to live your life how YOU deem, not them and not your father. I have dealt with the toxicity of a mother in law and I have chosen to be polite when necessary but I will not engage myself. There was a time when we had to stay over their house and I couldn't stand being there, they are both "quiet" alcoholics and it was torture to know that we were exposing our kids to it during the visit, even though the kids had no idea what was going on. I was resentful of all of it, my DH wanted to stay there to save money on a hotel room and I finally put my foot down and asked him who was more important because he was more willing to save a few bucks than insult his parents. We finally did start staying in hotels when we came to visit, except for the very last time when we visited we actually did stay there and the visit was pleasant. I think MIL sensed that her toxicity caused problems and she sort of bucked up and made nice.

I've had to release some other toxic friends, close friends I'd had through the years and even more recent friends I made because life is too short to deal with certain people. I know that we all have our quirks and idiosyncrasies and some are easy to deal with while others are just downright too much work.

My pastor refers to these kinds of relationships as ones you are constantly making deposits and have nothing left to give. So you finally just wish them well and release them from your life, and get on with your life. It really is freeing.

DON'T FEEL GUILTY. You have nothing to feel guilty about. Your gfather would have had a heart attack regardless of your life choices. Don't feel like you are obligated to do anything different because of it. If you don't want to see them, then DON'T. The card idea is great - send them a card and wish them well. It is not necessary to bring your child into this toxic environment just to appease someone else. This is YOUR life and YOUR choice.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Wed Mar 18, 2009 2:01 am

Thank you for your replies everybody - you have helped a lot. My family is keeping me updated, but I have decided to stay away from the situation for now. My grandfather is doing okay. The doctors have kept him sedated so his body can recover before they do tests, etc. So, even if I were there, he wouldn't be aware of that. I may send a card though...that's something I could do.

I honestly do not feel very bad at this point. I mean, I feel bad that my grandfather and my relatives are suffering, as I wouldn't wish that on anybody...but other than that I feel separated from the situation, and confident in my own decisions. It kind of makes me wonder if I'm a cold-hearted person, but I think I've just had to deal with negative stuff for so long that I can't feel anything toward them anymore.

I've thought about writing a letter letting them know why I have made the decision to stay away. I am kind of worried that my thug uncle might do something if he perceived that I "hurt" my grandparents with what I wrote. My grandmother has been confronted numerous times by others regarding her behavior...I think the fact that they eventually crawl back without having received an apology from her undermines any progress that could have been made. Most people I know believe that you do anything for family. I don't. To me, family is a scientific relationship...anything more depends on how much the individuals put into it. My actual "family", as I consider it, consists of both friends and relatives.

I'm starting to realize that God isn't punishing me with this. If anything, He's providing an opportunity for everyone to take a step back and realize how fragile life is...and that they should change their ways before they don't have the chance anymore. I hope they get it.

The past few days I have been reflecting on the many good things I have in my life. I've been enjoying the nice weather on long walks with my baby, enjoying cooking nice meals for my super-supportive husband, etc. I have a good life, and it would be silly for me to bring negativity into it.

Thank you again for your support. The forums were so helpful when I was doing the program, and I knew I could find help here again.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Wed Mar 18, 2009 2:31 pm

I'm glad that you are feeling better! I think you are right about God sending warnings to others. Pray and trust Him to guide you with what to do. Like I said before, forgiveness doesn't mean that we have to set ourselves up for more abuse. We let go and go on- until God does a miracle in their lives.

epa · Post by **epa** » Wed Mar 18, 2009 3:59 pm

I got word a while ago that now my BROTHER is in the hospital! He apparently suffered a panic attack and had to be hospitalized because he couldn't breathe. He's a college student and is currently out-of-state, so we can't be there with him. He is doing ok now, but I feel so bad for him - I didn't realize he had anxiety problems too.

The fact that I haven't had any anxiety issues through all of this is a testament to how far I've come, I guess! What a trying week this is proving to be. Thank you for your thoughts and prayers.