Hi Friends!
I truly hope and pray EVERYONE is having (at least!) a low-anxiety and low-depression morning! I really do pray for all of us who deal with depression and anxiety (and I thank God for Lucinda and everyone at StressCenter).
Let me start by noting that I completed sessions one through ten of Lucinda's program last summer and made HUGE HUGE changes and advances in my life. I am working a job I LOVE and am doing just fine, for example, when my career used to be a huge worry. My only two true problems right now are with romantic relationships and with worrying that I'll never have kids. I'm looking for any advice you can offer!!
I'm 28 and just broke things off with the guy I was dating. We were NOT "in a relationship," but we were leading up to that point. I have massive relationship anxiety, and the reasons I ended this potential relationship were:
1) He deals with depression and anxiety too and I don't/didn't think I could handle both of our issues. He never expected me to help him (he said as much), but I wanted to and would want to if we became "together." Partners support each other.
2) I was terrified that, if we had gotten serious, gotten married, and had children, our children would be doubly-predisposed to depression and anxiety because they'd get the "bad" genes from both of us.
I have often been the one to end relationships with boyfriends (though there haven't been a whole ton!). My mom, in whom I confide many things, thinks that I find one little thing wrong and then drop the guy. I'm not looking for perfection, but I am looking for the perfect one FOR ME.
I've ended other relationships because they haven't "felt right" (anxiety or truly wrong???!), because of not being physically attracted and fear of sex, because I've felt the guy was too emotionally needy for my personality (like, he needed to see or talk to me every single day), and because I was too immature (figured that one out later, of course), among other small reasons.
Mostly, when I end a relationship, I do so because I just feel like it's "not right." I want to know, like I said before, if it's my anxiety only that's messing with me, if it's honestly the wrong relationship for me, or if it's a combination of both. If it's both, I'm okay with that. I mean, I don't expect myself to be able to handle a relationship that's actually wrong. If it's just my anxiety, though...what do I do?
This morning, by the way, I am so totally relieved that I don't have to deal with anyone but myself, but I also worry that I let someone go who could've been right for me. And, my worry that I'll never have children is back full-force. I am working through Lucinda's program again: I listened to sessions one and two as refreshers and will start on session three today.
Thank you and God bless!
Massive relationship anxiety. ANY help appreciated!
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Guest
Hi ajh! It sounds to me like your relationship problems are probably a mix of anxiety and not finding the right guy. It's your anxiety that causes you to think things like your children would be "doubly predisposed" to anxiety. There's no way you can know that. Some people have anxiety and their parents do not, some anxious people have kids and their kids do not suffer from anxiety or depression. There really is no way to know. I think it is great that you are going through this program and learning how to deal with this condition. Maybe you need to concentrate on you right now...getting your emotional and mental self healthy so you can be in a healthy relationship. If this guy really was the right one and it is just your anxiety that is causing you to doubt him, I have no doubt that fate will bring you back into each other's lives at some point. Perhaps he is the right one and it is the wrong time...I speak from experience on this. My boyfriend (of 3 yrs) and I dated for 3 months and really liked each other but the timing was just not right. Two years later, he came back into my life and we have been happy ever since. I feel like we just weren't at the right place in our lives to have the kind of relationship we have now. So, it CAN happen. It is also very possible that this guy just wasn't the one. Keep working on you and when you are ready to be in a relationship, it will happen. And please do not worry about kids. You have plenty of time and life can change in an instant. One day you could be feeling lonely and anxious about having a relationship/marriage/children and the next day you could meet the right guy and everything can just fall into place. Just keep up with this program and working on controlling your anxiety and appreciate where you are now w/o worrying about the future. 
Hi,
In reading your post, what jumps out at me are possible issues with co-dependency. For example, your boyfriend said that he didn't ask for your help, but you feel that you want or have to help him. Most of us think about co-dependency in its relation to substance abuse, but it's actually a much more frequent problem and occurs in many different circumstances. I didn't become aware of the signficance of co-dependency until I had a falling out with a friend last year. In the past in my family of origin, I was always the "caregiver" and the co-dependent helper-taking on others' problems and helping to the detriment of my own mental health. However, I now have a son with severe autism. I developed severe anxiety surrounding his condition, and I had some friendships come into my life that I didn't realize were co-dependent with the friend being the co-dependent helper. I had a very good friend who was "overly" helpful. As time passed, I got better with anxiety, but she then felt threatened that she wasn't my "caregiver" anymore. That experience just really shined a lot on co-dependency for me. I did some research online on Christian websites on co-dependency, and I purchased a really good book called, "Please Don't Say You Need Me" about co-dependency. Maybe those are some possible issues for you.
It also looks like you may want to do some work regarding boundaries. Having good boundaries helps us in our relationship with ourselves and with others. They help you let what's good into your life, and help you reject what isn't. Good boundaries help you take care of yourself. Right now, and in my humble opinion, you are having boundary issues in your relationships with significant others. I mean, you feel like you have to take on your boyfriend's anxiety and depression and problems as if they are your own. That's a sign that you are taking on baggage that isn't yours. Your boyfriend let you know that he didn't see you as a caregiver for him, so you did not "have" to take on that role. There was some middle ground. I mean, you have every right to want your significant other to work on his weaknesses, but he has to do the work. Not you. If you feel that you have to take on your signficant others' problems, then the person is going to have to be "perfect" so that you won't feel overwhelmed, and no one is perfect. I've been married for thirteen years under a lot of stress. Marriage is a big deal, and a big commitment, and it's great that you aren't taking that potential commitment lightly. Please know that I am coming to you from a place of experience in dealing with my own issues with co-dependency and unhealthy boundaries. I mean, I just remember having those feelings of "suffocation" in dating experiences because I didn't have good boundaries. I didn't think that I could say "No" without feeling guilty. I didn't think that I had the right to reject someone that I wasn't attracted to. I would feel sick to my stomach, and then I would get out of the situation by fleeing. It was hard for me to date someone without thinking that they had to be the "one", and without getting "enmeshed" with them. I had to do the work in therapy to figure out why I was the way I was, and when my husband came along, I was more ready for him. However, there were still issues, but I can look back thirteen years later, knowing that it wasn't perfect, but also knowing that at the time, I made a concerted effort to make a good decision. Books that have helped me regarding boundaries are "Boundaries" by Henry Cloud, and "Boundaries: Where You End and I Begin". I also encourage you to find a good therapist and tell them that you want to work on having good boundaries.
In my humble opinion, I think that you did the right thing in breaking it off. It's not fair to your boyfriend for you to stay with him just because you are afraid you won't have children. We all want to be loved, but would you really want someone to stay with you because they forced themselves to? No, you can't expect anyone to be perfect, but I think if you do the work on boundaries you will be better able to discern what is healthy for you and your signficant other. You can let your desire to have a child be a motivator for working on your boundary issues in therapy so that when the right person does come along, you'll be ready. You just aren't ready right now, but that doesn't mean you won't be in the future:).
Take care,
luvpiggy
In reading your post, what jumps out at me are possible issues with co-dependency. For example, your boyfriend said that he didn't ask for your help, but you feel that you want or have to help him. Most of us think about co-dependency in its relation to substance abuse, but it's actually a much more frequent problem and occurs in many different circumstances. I didn't become aware of the signficance of co-dependency until I had a falling out with a friend last year. In the past in my family of origin, I was always the "caregiver" and the co-dependent helper-taking on others' problems and helping to the detriment of my own mental health. However, I now have a son with severe autism. I developed severe anxiety surrounding his condition, and I had some friendships come into my life that I didn't realize were co-dependent with the friend being the co-dependent helper. I had a very good friend who was "overly" helpful. As time passed, I got better with anxiety, but she then felt threatened that she wasn't my "caregiver" anymore. That experience just really shined a lot on co-dependency for me. I did some research online on Christian websites on co-dependency, and I purchased a really good book called, "Please Don't Say You Need Me" about co-dependency. Maybe those are some possible issues for you.
It also looks like you may want to do some work regarding boundaries. Having good boundaries helps us in our relationship with ourselves and with others. They help you let what's good into your life, and help you reject what isn't. Good boundaries help you take care of yourself. Right now, and in my humble opinion, you are having boundary issues in your relationships with significant others. I mean, you feel like you have to take on your boyfriend's anxiety and depression and problems as if they are your own. That's a sign that you are taking on baggage that isn't yours. Your boyfriend let you know that he didn't see you as a caregiver for him, so you did not "have" to take on that role. There was some middle ground. I mean, you have every right to want your significant other to work on his weaknesses, but he has to do the work. Not you. If you feel that you have to take on your signficant others' problems, then the person is going to have to be "perfect" so that you won't feel overwhelmed, and no one is perfect. I've been married for thirteen years under a lot of stress. Marriage is a big deal, and a big commitment, and it's great that you aren't taking that potential commitment lightly. Please know that I am coming to you from a place of experience in dealing with my own issues with co-dependency and unhealthy boundaries. I mean, I just remember having those feelings of "suffocation" in dating experiences because I didn't have good boundaries. I didn't think that I could say "No" without feeling guilty. I didn't think that I had the right to reject someone that I wasn't attracted to. I would feel sick to my stomach, and then I would get out of the situation by fleeing. It was hard for me to date someone without thinking that they had to be the "one", and without getting "enmeshed" with them. I had to do the work in therapy to figure out why I was the way I was, and when my husband came along, I was more ready for him. However, there were still issues, but I can look back thirteen years later, knowing that it wasn't perfect, but also knowing that at the time, I made a concerted effort to make a good decision. Books that have helped me regarding boundaries are "Boundaries" by Henry Cloud, and "Boundaries: Where You End and I Begin". I also encourage you to find a good therapist and tell them that you want to work on having good boundaries.
In my humble opinion, I think that you did the right thing in breaking it off. It's not fair to your boyfriend for you to stay with him just because you are afraid you won't have children. We all want to be loved, but would you really want someone to stay with you because they forced themselves to? No, you can't expect anyone to be perfect, but I think if you do the work on boundaries you will be better able to discern what is healthy for you and your signficant other. You can let your desire to have a child be a motivator for working on your boundary issues in therapy so that when the right person does come along, you'll be ready. You just aren't ready right now, but that doesn't mean you won't be in the future:).
Take care,
luvpiggy
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Guest
Is it possible for you to sit down and actually list the pros and cons of this relationship that you have just ended? I really do think that it is never a good idea to make major changes while in the throws of anxiety, unless there is some type of physical or emotional abuse going on. I guess I would be wondering what your urgency would have been to end your relationship so quickly and that possibly it is strictly fear based and not the actual relationship itself. If you were to go through the program again and continue the relationship for the next at most 15 weeks it looks like you would have a better perspective of how you actually feel about the relationship without being controlled by the anxiety. The fact that you are here after ending the relationship and are having anxiety about it tells me you possibly were not sure you wanted to end it and maybe just jumped to relieve some of the anxiety about the actual decision of whether or not you should end it.
Hope this makes some sense and please understand I am not giving you a tough time here, it's just that I really do care and I think waiting would have been your best decision on this one. You are young and have plenty of time to have kids. Also with modern medicine that time has now been extended even further so just tell yourself that you are not going to worry about having kids right now and you will worry about it next week, next month or even next year. It is hard to make decisions while in the throws of anxiety and if your boyfriend doesn't need your help or support with his anxiety it sounds like he is handling it fairly well and does not want to burden you with it which in my opinion is very admirable. Also is it possible that this whole relationship hinges on the fact that you may believe your boyfriend will always have anxiety. If so than it is in my opinion again that this is just another part of the same condition. And here is the rub, if your boyfriend were to get a handle on his anxiety within say the next 6 months would you want to be with him or not? This may tell you if your fears are strictly anxiety/fear based. Sometimes I believe we have a tendency to see things in black and white and lose the precious gray middle ground where all of the answers actually lie.
Hope this makes some sense and please understand I am not giving you a tough time here, it's just that I really do care and I think waiting would have been your best decision on this one. You are young and have plenty of time to have kids. Also with modern medicine that time has now been extended even further so just tell yourself that you are not going to worry about having kids right now and you will worry about it next week, next month or even next year. It is hard to make decisions while in the throws of anxiety and if your boyfriend doesn't need your help or support with his anxiety it sounds like he is handling it fairly well and does not want to burden you with it which in my opinion is very admirable. Also is it possible that this whole relationship hinges on the fact that you may believe your boyfriend will always have anxiety. If so than it is in my opinion again that this is just another part of the same condition. And here is the rub, if your boyfriend were to get a handle on his anxiety within say the next 6 months would you want to be with him or not? This may tell you if your fears are strictly anxiety/fear based. Sometimes I believe we have a tendency to see things in black and white and lose the precious gray middle ground where all of the answers actually lie.
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Guest
I have not read the other replies, but my thoughts are if you let someone go who is truly right for you, your heart would be breaking during their absence.
I agree that too many people focus on one negative or challenging thing in a relationship and fail to see all the positives, but at the same time, maybe you just haven't found your true mate.
Undersatnd that even if you both have anxiety or depression, getting over it together would be great and teaching your children how to handle it would be a double blessing on your part, so refrain from using that as an excuse. If someone is right for you, they are right for you, regardless of genetic issues or children issues. You work with what you have because you love that person and have made a decision to spend your life with them.
All the best to you.
I agree that too many people focus on one negative or challenging thing in a relationship and fail to see all the positives, but at the same time, maybe you just haven't found your true mate.
Undersatnd that even if you both have anxiety or depression, getting over it together would be great and teaching your children how to handle it would be a double blessing on your part, so refrain from using that as an excuse. If someone is right for you, they are right for you, regardless of genetic issues or children issues. You work with what you have because you love that person and have made a decision to spend your life with them.
All the best to you.
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Guest
Hello Sheils75, luvpiggy, not, and Shifrah!
Thank you all so very much for your advice and support! Thank you especially, Sheils and luvpiggy, for sharing personal experiences.
Like I said in my first post, I'm re-doing the program: I listened to sessions one and two and am starting the actual "work" with session three (positive self-talk). I will also be getting for the books you recommended, luvpiggy; thank you!! Also, as soon as I'm done typing this, I'm calling my psychiatrist to make another appointment.
not, you asked whether, if in six months my friend had a handle on his anxiety, would I want to be with him. It was an excellent question and I've thought a lot about it. Right now, I think I'd have to say "no," but that, of course, could change as I get better. I'm trying right now to "let go and let God."
You four have helped me tremendously and I thank you again! This is another stepping stone in my path to conquering anxiety and depression, but I feel like it's one of the last ones I "need" to trip over. Already, in the past year, I have come millions of miles forward in beating the anxiety I had regarding my career (I earned a degree in 2004 that I didn't like, so I went back for a second degree and graduated in December, 2007. After that, I had major anxiety about finding and working a job in my new field, even though I was so incredibly happy with this second degree), my living situation (I'm living with my parents for financial reasons and, until I started Lucinda's program last year, I didn't want to leave. Now I do. ), and the other "minor" problems I was facing. The world is a different, better place, and can only continue to improve if I say so.
Thank you again!!
Thank you all so very much for your advice and support! Thank you especially, Sheils and luvpiggy, for sharing personal experiences.
Like I said in my first post, I'm re-doing the program: I listened to sessions one and two and am starting the actual "work" with session three (positive self-talk). I will also be getting for the books you recommended, luvpiggy; thank you!! Also, as soon as I'm done typing this, I'm calling my psychiatrist to make another appointment.
not, you asked whether, if in six months my friend had a handle on his anxiety, would I want to be with him. It was an excellent question and I've thought a lot about it. Right now, I think I'd have to say "no," but that, of course, could change as I get better. I'm trying right now to "let go and let God."
You four have helped me tremendously and I thank you again! This is another stepping stone in my path to conquering anxiety and depression, but I feel like it's one of the last ones I "need" to trip over. Already, in the past year, I have come millions of miles forward in beating the anxiety I had regarding my career (I earned a degree in 2004 that I didn't like, so I went back for a second degree and graduated in December, 2007. After that, I had major anxiety about finding and working a job in my new field, even though I was so incredibly happy with this second degree), my living situation (I'm living with my parents for financial reasons and, until I started Lucinda's program last year, I didn't want to leave. Now I do.
), and the other "minor" problems I was facing. The world is a different, better place, and can only continue to improve if I say so.Thank you again!!