For Six years I have been dealing with this

rlteac · Post by **rlteac** » Tue Mar 03, 2009 12:56 am

And I just now got up enough courage to look it up on the internet. I feel like I have gone through the wringer. I feel like I have no one to talk to about this. I just now got up enough courage to tell my wife. For the past 6 year I have been freaked out of my mind that I might molest my kids or someone elses kids. I've also been obsessed with worrying that I was gay, and worrying that I was capable of committing a horrible act. But the one that scares me the most is that I would destroy a kid's lives by doing the unthinkable to them. I'm afraid I might get an arousel around them or think some disturbing thoughts. I love my kids so much. I'm crying as I'm writing this because when I get this way it makes me want to distance myself from them for fear that I might hurt them. I want to be the father that they deserve. I've felt this way for the past 6 years. It all started when my wife opened up a daycare and I started thinking if I was capable of doing something horrible. From that point on my thought life has been very confusing and chaotic. Though, I have learned to be around my kids without thinking such thoughts, We just moved a couple weeks ago and I feel like my whole environment has changed which has got me very depressed. That's when I started thinking I was capable of hurting my children again. Here's what I go through when I start with the what ifs (Please tell me I'm not the only one that feels this way): When it starts, I start felling the very uncomfortable tingling on my head and shoulders, and pain in my stomach. When I'm like that, I find it hard to be around my kids. The part that scares me the most is the gross feeling I get in my groin like I might actually get an erection. I never do of course but the thought that it might happen freaks me out even more. Then I feel really guilty and I feel like I want to die. I think I need help but I don't know where to turn to.

Ryan

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Tue Mar 03, 2009 2:40 am

rlteac-I believe from what you have said that you would never act on these thoughts. This is exactly what they are thoughts. First I want to commend you for having the courage to speak about this and tell your wife. If you don't acknowledge something you cannot change it. You have made the hugest step to recovery. I am not a counselor, but in addition to doing this program I am seeing a christian counselor on the side(who is a professional). She uses practically the same techniques as in this program with the enhancement of scriptures which is what I wanted. Now I don't know if you feel the same way or if you go to church on sun. etc. It's up to you, but I would seek a counselor who can help you with this and has a better understanding-someone who can give you techniques to cope. I will pray God watch over you and comfort you in this time. Please keep posting-I believe when you keep writing and letting it out it is just like letting go if that makes sense. Wolverine

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Thu Mar 12, 2009 10:51 am

Sir, don't worry you have OCD. I have a similar problem, that feeling in your crotch is just super anxiety, like the feeling you get on a pirate ship ride. Sort of like that anyway. If you paid attention you'd see that your penis probably decreases in size due to this. It can be very confusing however. Remember, you love your children more than life itself and you would never hurt them. You know that. Don't distance yourself from them because of your OCD, it will only make it get worse over time. You feed your obsession this way. I'll pray for you, like I do everyone else in these forums. We can all overcome our problems, it just takes time, and sometimes counseling and meds. Try speaking to a counselor or behavioral therapist.

PEACEKEEPER · Post by **PEACEKEEPER** » Thu Mar 12, 2009 4:44 pm

I've worried I was gay before and hurting my newborn when I first had him. He is 6 now and I have never harmed him. It's just OCD. MEDS help to control the thoughts A LOT!