What do you do when your marraige is the source of your anxiety and chronic depressio

Camille Morrison · Post by **Camille Morrison** » Thu Feb 12, 2009 11:45 am

I thank God for this program. I had a nervous breakdown in January after a life of many setbacks and a horrible marraige. My husband is not supportive and down right mean. He refuses to see a councelor. In order to keep my anger from flaring up I have started to completely ignore him for a week or more now. He probably needs this program too. Has anyone overcome this situation

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Thu Feb 12, 2009 12:12 pm

Hi Camille,

I've been where you are and ended up leaving my husband and we divorced about 9 months later. He wasn't mean but wouldn't do anything to try and fix what was wrong in our marriage. It takes two people workling hard to keep any relationship/ marriage alive and happy. Myself I could not live with a mean person. Life goes by very quickly so we need to make the best choices we can to live our lives the way that brings us the happiness we all deserve.
You can't make anyone change but yourself so it sounds like you may have some decisions to make in the near future if he won't come to the plate and want a great marriage with you.

I really hope things work out for you and you can live a joyous and fullfilled life.

Best wishes!

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Thu Feb 12, 2009 12:30 pm

I have a "you know what" husband. He can be such a sweet guy but then he can be a total butt hole. He is not supportive of the whole anxiety and OCD thing at all though. I am a little understanding in that aspect though. It is hard for someone to understand if they have never experienced it. I wouldn’t have before going though it. He is just not an emotional person at all. He was raised in a home where there were not affection. I was so we are opposites in that aspect. I don’t want to leave him (at times I do) I really just want him to understand that his words hurt and although he does not need to understand everything about anxiety I just wish he was a little more supportive. I cant offer to much advice since I haven’t been able to get my husband to be a little bit nicer but I can offer my sympathy. Good Luck

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Thu Feb 12, 2009 2:03 pm

I can relate. I have a relationship with a lot af hard ships. It is easy for me to blame everything on him, but I have my own problems that cause just as much blame. I have love for my husband, but I never felt "in love". I love how he is so book smart, but there is more to him that needs the attention of a professional. He isn't saying he doesn't like the program/s I involve myself in, he is saying he doesn't have any problems that require professional help. (if I was as good a salseman as he is I could convince him the programs I can do on-line in the comfort of my own home woould help him too...but I suck at the whole sales pitch thing. Five years into the marriage and we are batteling the juvinile courts again for custody of our children. The point is he is in just as much stress as I am (if not more) and yet he is saying he is invinceable. Not just he is invinceable, he is invincable and I am the problem. He is mean in the verbal way. He says it's because I call him a 88888. Well we seem to go rounds like three year old children. "You started it." "You did this/that." Good god I could only handle that for so long. Where are we now? Still together, still being petty, still stressing about our children, and still blaming eachother. .................... My resources are stronger than his. My education in self-help may be more informed. However, he has held his ground well. For all the crud I've dished out over time...he has been able to be consistant in denial and blaming me. I can admit my own sucess story, but it has negative input as to how I got there. Let me explain. For me to suceed in my own life, I had to seperate my life from my husband. Not divorce/seperate. Mentally and more often than not, physically seperate. I went back to school at 34, I stay at home by myself when he goes out with my guy friends, I do laundry by hand, and take care of the dogs by myself. I have to keep buisy and concentrate on not talking to him. I won't talk to him until he brings up the conversation. If the conversation is petty...like talking about what's on tv when taxes need done....I ignore him and find myself buisy. He will not change. I will not take after him, so I know with or without him I am still responsible for all the buisness in my own life. I took the responsibility of taking this man in my life, I will live my life the way I need to until something changes. I truly hope someday soon we will live a life together as an average couple would, without all the blame and stress. It will need to start within me. If he can't get the grasp of what I'm doing, someday we will have to part our ways.

I would like to see more responce to this topic. I could use as much help as the next person.

I do know each couple have their own specifics, and each couple have to decide morals vs. relationship vs. happy living vs. truth in current details. Breaking up isn't always the way. Staying together isn't always the way eigther. In your relationship it is for you to decide.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Thu Feb 12, 2009 3:51 pm

Hi! I wish I had some answers for you all and myself but I don't. My first marriage was not a good one. There was arguing all the time. He mostly did his thing and I got to the point where I did mine. The sad thing is that our 3 children grew up in that mess. The depression was near constant. I got married at 16 - that was stupid. I just wanted out of the house. I was so rebellious. Out of the frying pan and into the fire is what my grandma would tell me when I would contemplate leaving. No support from my mom, she would tell me that with my asthma that I could never support myself and the boys, so I should put up with everything. The depression eventually joined with anxiety and panic attacks. I went thru therapy (CBT I believe)for over a year. She said it would be better if I left the marriage. I eventually did. We were married 21 years. At my age, you would think I would have learned my lessons the first time, but no, I got married again 10 years ago. Even though we dated nearly a year, I did not realize he was the most negative and angry person I had met. There are good times. I do love him - not really "in love" with him anymore though. He does not understand at all what I am going through. My panic problems started back up last November. It's frustrating that after 18 years since therapy that I am back in this situation. Now I was not cured by Lucinda's description in Lesson 4 which is the one I am on now. I was functional all these years. I only shopped with someone else, travelled out of town with someone else, had a hard time staying here by myself at night, I'm okay during the day. I was alot better when I was working full time and was in that routine, but due to some decisions that I made that I now question, I am not working or even looking for a job. My last interview I was so anxious that I teared up during the interview. I applied elsewhere 2 more times, I with no response and the other one I withdrew from in December because I was so sick with all this.

How with such negativity & anger around me do I keep myself positive? Alot of the negative thoughts I have or make to myself are about my husband. I often think about leaving, but it makes me sick to my stomach. I really don't want to leave. I just want a peaceful life. He's not mean or verbally abusive. He can say things that hurt, but I am also very sensitive. He says I have a chip on my shoulder. He is and possibly always will be a "cup half empty" person. I know I cannot change him or anyone else with the exception of myself. How do I get positive when I get so angry with the things he does and says?

Sorry this turned into a book. I look forward to your help. Thank you.
Carolyn

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Mon Feb 16, 2009 2:47 am

I am new to this forum. I belong to another for information /support for an ailing parent and I find it so helpful. When I read your post today, I couldn't believe that I found someone who is going through very similar experiences as I am. I have been to therapists over the course of a 25 year marriage, and they always have advised me to divorce. I never have. I wanted to see my children raised in a two parent home, with the advantages of that. They are all in college now, and I am beginning to fear that soon I will have to make some hard choices as I won't be able to bear living alone with my husband when they are gone. I too have disengaged from him. I live my own , often lonely, life. I take short trips alone, go to the movies alone, do pretty much everything alone. I avoid his temper by physically avoiding him. This makes life in my house very cold and awkward for all of us. I will be financially able to take care of myself when the children move out for their own careers, but for now, it takes two of us to support their educations - which is my highest priority. I am embarrassed about this around other people who wonder why I am still here, so I tend to avoid social situations. With that, now I feel awkward attending most social gatherings, and even have panic attacks when I do go. Sadly, I seem to have burried myself in some kind of cave. I have a wonderful job and career that I love though. It is the only way I survive this. When I am at work, I am myself.
The problem I have though, is that I constantly obsesse about how my life is, and worry about the future. Do you have a plan for the future?

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Mon Feb 16, 2009 1:03 pm

Bonn I am really sorry to hear about that. I really hope you are able to find the choice that suits you. What kind of work are you in? I am currently looking for a job that I will love too. Hated my last career.