Hitting a speed bump I guess

Faith_TX · Post by **Faith_TX** » Wed Jan 28, 2009 1:26 am

I had been doing so well for about 3 months. This last week or two I've been having more trouble with thoughts sort of repeating in my head and getting obsessed with things again. I know it's anxiety, and I'm pretty sure I'm just overtired from stress at work, a new church, then family getting sick.

This weekend I was super irritable and got mad at my 5 year old and started screaming at him like a crazy woman. My husband came in the room and lead me out to my room and had a talk telling me that he didn't want me to do that again. He was right of course; I had lost it. I made up with my son and the next day he said that it was funny because I was yelling and Daddy put me in time out. Sounds like I didn't do any terrible long term damage there.

But, it scared me that I lost it like that and I've been feeling out of sorts ever since.

Also, my cousin has anxiety issues and also a brain injury and was just told that she couldn't do the job she's doing any more because it's too stressful. It set me to worrying that what if I suddenly couldn't do my job. I make really good money. I started worrying again about the "going crazy" thought that I used to struggle with.

Anyway all of this is just anxiety talking I know. But I'm just having a hard time getting a handle on it. Ever since I started taking birth control pills I've felt more in control and had myself convinced that the hormones were the main thing that had caused this. Now that I'm having trouble again it concerns me because . . .well I can't just take MORE hormones.

The last time I was able to overcome it based on all I've learned and some advice of a friend to stop thinking inside my head so much. To think about what I'm doing, think about others, stop worrying so much about my thoughts and feelings all the time.

I have been trying to resist posting because I want to work this out myself. I know what I tell others when they hit a speed bump. But, last night as my thoughts were going all night at one moment I was convinced that this time was different. . . I was heading for a mental breakdown. I know in my head that this is no different than any of the other times. But, in the moment it seems real.

Anyway, someone say something encouraging.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Wed Jan 28, 2009 2:12 am

Hey faith I am sorry to hear that you are feeling upset and anxious. But its nothing more than a growth spurt. Pull out your program and review that session. When we begin to feel better we think we're cured. Anxiety never goes away, we learn the skills to manage it and move forward with our lives. It's all about awareness and acceptance.

I have melted down a few times with my kids. I go back and apologize. I have put myself in time out after a melt down so that my kids realize that mom was acting out and needs time to reflect. That's what we actually call time out in our house. The reflection step. When we've pulled it together and "reflected" on our behavior we can come out.

I have tried to go it alone and work my problems out myself. I have learned that this forum is a wonderful tool filled with many kind and compassionate people who are there to lend support. I think it helps to turn to others who have gone through or are where we are now, for support.

Be kind to yourself and you will come out of this experince stronger for having gone through it. Take care and God Bless.

AnnetteW · Post by **AnnetteW** » Wed Jan 28, 2009 2:40 am

You are so right. Every time I do better for awhile I think I'm 'CURED' and then when I hit a bump I tend to get discouraged. If it lasts only a day or two I'm fine but if it drags on a week or two I start to get scared that I'm going to be like I was "before" which was awful.

Anxiety seems so "real" when you're feeling it, sometimes it's hard to remember that the thoughts are just your mind messing with you and not a sign of impending madness. LOL

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Wed Jan 28, 2009 2:41 am

P.S. I've also been eating more sweets and carbs. And even drinking some coffee and soda (like one a day). I get a little lazy even though I know that stuff will get me after awhile. I think. . . i'm cured I can do what I want. WRONG. LOL

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Wed Jan 28, 2009 2:46 am

Faith tx-You talked about church-I pray you get fed good there.Read Matthew 6:31 and Psalms chapter 55-we are not supposed to worry God said. Cast your cares on him, for he does care for you-he will not take them from you-you need to give your worries over to him and then believe he will take care of it. If it comes back, say no I gave this to God and he is more able to take care of it than I. Hope this helps and God Bless You.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Wed Jan 28, 2009 4:09 am

Faith, I want to encourage you. You will not lose it--you want to WIN too badly. You have this program and you have those of us who are also trying to work through this disorder. Session 4 might be helpful right now. Don't put so many expectations on yourself. I understand though. Anytime I real like I've fallen short, my expectations or my 'fix it' ideas take over. I think it's guilt coupled with high expectations.
I'm sure your family appreciated your commitment to be 'well' and I'm sure they love you. Be encouraged. LIVE, LOVE, LAUGH.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Wed Jan 28, 2009 4:38 am

Hi Faith:
I want to encourage you. Maybe some mothers don't lose it and yell at the child. But I think that a lot of Mom's do . Not wanting to,
but we are all just human.
The good thing is that your husband was there and he salvedged the child's feelings and got you off to side for a while to become calm.
This is as it should be. You and your husband are partners in this venture of raising children.
It is no easy task.
I think you should just forgive yourself thoroughly for this. You apologised. Even children know that grown-ups are far from perfect.
This doesn't mean you are losing your mind. Not at all.
It just means that you got too stressed for a little while. Now if you pile a lot of guilt onto that then you'll get stressed again.
I commend you greatly for working this program.
Nothing like this was around for me. Well, I sure didn't know of anything like this.
I think you probably give your children lots of love.
Just relax with them. If only you could just quit trying so hard.
But you sound lots better. You are okay really.
Don't push yourself. Just be.
A friend,
MJ

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Wed Jan 28, 2009 5:11 am

Thanks for saying I sound lots better. I know overall I'm way ahead of a year ago.

Today it is icy here in Fort Worth. The kids are home and I'm trying to get work done for my job.

I called my mother to wish her a happy birthday and I was on the phone for 13 minutes. about 7 of those minutes were locked in my bathroom/walk-in closet. Why? Because the kids kept interrupting me and I started getting really annoyed. They are 9 and 5 and especially the 9 year old should know better. I know it's common for kids to NEED their parent when they're on the phone, but it still frustrates me. My son knows if I'm talking to a grown-up in person and he wants my attention to put his hand on my arm. But, when I'm on the phone he'll come put his hand on my arm and just stand there. It's never anything earth-shattering. . . it's like "dolphins breath air, right Mommy?" LOL

Well, I asked him to give me a minute several times and finally I said. . . get out of my face for five minutes I'm trying to talk on the PHONE! And, in the bathroom and closed and locked the door. I wasn't out of control but was clearly annoyed and so my husband asked my what the big deal was. He said that I encourage this behavior by not being just more calmly firm with them.

For example this morning my son wanted me to make pancakes. I said I needed to work and could I just get him some cereal. WEll, he started pouting and said he realy really wanted pancakes. So, I got up and made him some.

My husband is right. I give in and give in trying to always please them, then I get pushed beyond my limit and get frustrated.

He is much better at being assertive and just saying no in a non-emotional way. I think this is my biggest hurdle in parenting that I need to work on.

I want them to be happy. I want them to like me. I want them to have fun. But sometimes I need to say no.

Another example is AJ wanted to watch "Planet Earth" while I worked. I'm working in the same room on my laptop today. He kept asking me to change it to another chapter. And I mean several times. I started to get frustrated and finally just said. "Hey listen, you can either watch it how it's set now, skip forward or back yourself, or play in your room because I have to work." He was OK with that. I need to remember that I AM the one in charge but I've never been good at making decisions or being the one in charge. I need to be more confident in that area. I'm always afraid I'll do it "wrong."

Anyway, all of this to say that MJ is right! I do try to hard and I do need to forgive myself as well.

My mother certainly wasn't perfect and she did sometimes lose her patience and yell at me. But I don't see anything wrong with the way she raised me at all. I always just knew that sometimes Mom has a bad day. Now my stepfather on the other hand, didn't yell as much, but said really mean things to me. That's an entirely different matter. I know I'm doing better than I give myself credit for.

Mimigirl · Post by **Mimigirl** » Wed Jan 28, 2009 5:15 am

Originally posted by rene1263:
Faith, I want to encourage you.

<snip>

Don't put so many expectations on yourself.

You hit the nail on the head. I try SO hard to be perfect that I stress myself out.

Do any of you watch "True Beauty?" by the way? There's a guy on there dealing with that right now too.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Wed Jan 28, 2009 5:15 am

Originally posted by Wolverine:
Faith tx-You talked about church-I pray you get fed good there.Read Matthew 6:31 and Psalms chapter 55-we are not supposed to worry God said. Cast your cares on him, for he does care for you-he will not take them from you-you need to give your worries over to him and then believe he will take care of it. If it comes back, say no I gave this to God and he is more able to take care of it than I. Hope this helps and God Bless You.

Thank you! I will get those verses out on a break today.