Empowering Group Program Run-through part7

[THH]

Better day today. I'm still tired wore out from the flu. I did go out and get my food for dinner. So I can rest and not worry about going out in the Christmas crowds. Big relief.
Forever Young,
Me too, I really just want everyone to get along and enjoy them selves. My mom and my sister are very negative, Mike that is what I was referring to in my statement that I did not say very clear. I talk to my mom and she ask how I was feeling. I told her better, just tired and she said you just have to push yourself. She is in her late 70's and she pushes her self everyday. But it does not sound good to me. Rather she could said rest you still have time, it is get up and move around. It is not like I am on the couch or anything, but she has no idea what I am doing. Much of the time I do let it go, but if I am in one of those moods I dwell. Lots of the time she just talks and you can't get a word in. Very negative.
My sister is a carbon copy of her. I have talk to my sister and said things and her comments are just what I heard from mom. It is like talking to the same person. Those two get along really well. They can complain about everything together and no one feels stress. They start saying stuff to me and I feel my muscles tighten up and try to say something positive. It gets not only shot down, but then joked about. Then I get my feelings hurt, not always but sometimes.
My sister gets really tired of it sometimes too. My sister always is worried about what mom wants or thinks. When she gets tired of it, a different mood her and I do well together.

I do talk to each of them several times a week. Like you Forever.

Forever young,
I understand the dread of a dog passing. I have lost 2 over the years. It is the saddest hardest loss. One dog was easier. Her quality of life was gone. She had the look, and we knew it was time. My male was different. He had totally different problems, and our choice to have him die with dignity was such a hard choice. He had a brain tumor and it could have gotten him any time. He had the seizures, and they came more often and lasted longer each time. It is so sad. Never easy.
I have an 8year old, 7 year old and almost 2 year old. YES they all live in the house with me!!!
I got the pup when I realized I have 2 almost the same age. I could not bear to loose both that close together so we got the pup. Other wise I never think I would have wanted 3. But now I have them I can't imagine anyone missing.

The holidays are very lonely at times. I think almost everyone has trouble one year or another. It is those expectations of how we "should feel". Or how we remember things.

Mike I liked your fish not realizing it is in water. That is so true. LOL... Yep my inner man! LOL...
I think I explained it better this time around. I was thinking of 3 different people in my family who never had this program. negative, never happy, always telling me their problems and really just venting on me. I'm not really soposta say anything or try and fix anything. Just listen. But it pains me to listen, maybe I'm not in the mood to hear the rant. Maybe the tone in their voice tightens my body up. Maybe what they are saying is disturbing. I want to say good bye. But I can't. I try to interject some of my thoughts, which is a mistake because if I don't say it right it could cause a argument. And I really do not want to do that. So being assertive and or aggressive is where I don't understand.

I love all the pictures you find, you really do a nice job with it.

Are you having a Christmas party or spend the holiday with anyone special?

What ever you guys decide I'll go along with. I just discovered this anger thing, and need to think about it some. Also I need a better understanding of assertive behavior vs. aggressive.

[THH]

Mike,
I liked how you worked though your party and your thoughts about everything. Again EXPATATIONS! I get it too. It is hard to just be. I went to a Christmas party last year. I was bothered by being in a room full of people who I did not know. A couple I did know. We did the small talk and snacked but it was boring. It was not a bad time, and nice to get out but was nothing exciting.
I also know what you mean about being more aware about anger. I had a day of it yesterday. I was aware of it anyway. I felt bad and I could not get past it. My husband tried a couple times to make a "Happy" comment and I was not feeling receptive. I was in my sad world and having a parade of stinking thinking. I finally got into a movie " a Christmas Carol " and by the end I was happy. I don't want to let myself down and I get embarrassed sometimes. I want to be better at managing my thoughts. And I like it when I feel good. I just don't know what to do sometimes when I'm in that mood to be negative. Do I like that place too? Logic says no but...It is a choice I continue to makeat times. Do you do this? I hope I'm not alone...
I guess it is good to be aware of all these parts of our personality's. It also is helpful in understanding how and where all this anxiety comes from. Maybe each of the pieces will add a new perspective to what we need to change, and what we want to change.
I know I am seeing lots different this time around.

[Ninjafrodo2]

I'm still here, I'm falling behind on responding on the forums...I'm feeling a little overwhelmed at the moment but I plan to check out the posts and respond accordingly tomorrow. Although I did skim through a couple and it sounds like staying on this lesson for another week would be the best thing to do for everybody, so lets do that.

[THH]

Busy day. I am getting ready for the holiday, cleaning house and all the prep work. I'm feeling tired now. Everyone must be doing the same.
I hope everyone is doing well!

Mike, good idea on staying on this session this week. I am having trouble doing the relaxation tape, reading and all the work for the holiday. That is overwhelming to me as well.

Hope everyone has a nice Christmas. I will try to check in on Monday. Have a good night.

[Ninjafrodo2]

Hey all...Toronto got hit with an icestorm and the power to my house is going to be off until christmas so I won't be able to post the way I usually do and I'd say this is a great test period for myself at the moment as it is testing my patience and my ability to work with what is instead of expecting what I want. It also motivates me more to face my anxiety head on as alot of my distracting methods involve using electricity.

Yesterday I had a few revelations and I have found something that works for me when it comes to thought replacement.

I noticed that it helped to remind myself that the only reason I feel a certain way with a particular thought was because that is what I was telling myself and it fit within the mental filter cognitive distortion because I'm filtering out that important fact and seeing the actual situation causing me the anxiety.

for example;
I need to stay up really late because it makes me feel good and I'm safe during the night time while everyone else is asleep.

->Mental filter
I feel safe because I am telling myself that I am safe. There really is nothing threatening me during the other times of the day, its just my thoughts, thats all and the more rested I am, the easier it is for me to change them and the more I work on bettering myself, the better I'll be at changing my thoughts and feeling good.


another example;

That guy is hot and I need him in order to feel really good and satisfied.

->Mental Filter
The only reason I feel good about the idea of being with the guy is because I am thinking that way but just because someone is attractive doesn't mean they are good or that I'll feel good while I'm with them and there are many things that I can do on my own or focus on that will make me feel even better and more satisfied then how I imagine this guy is going to make me feel.


When it comes to socializing I am noticing that I isolate because I'm already anticipating that people are going to dump their crap on me and me not able to handle it, I'm already overwhelmed just anticipating them overwhelming me and so of course i'm not going to want to be around people, I think thats why its so important to say something to people if I do get overwhelmed, its better to do that and risk hurting feelings instead of distance myself from them and drift away which could hurt both of us more.

Also that last point about the socializing, I have noticed that one of the reasons why I do that is because I still hold the belief that if people care, then they should listen to my pain and give me sympathy and comfort...if they don't then they don't care. Well when I have that belief then I feel like a cold uncaring person if I don't listen to them and their pain and then i'm stuck when I get into those situations....if I say something then I feel like a horrible human being but if I don't say anything then I get stuck feeling overwhelmed and if I say nothing then they think its ok to just dump on me whenever something bothers them. So I need to change this and really even if I just say that I'm feeling really overwhelmed, thats a good start. But I think telling someone that I don't agree with what they're saying when I don't could be helpful too because it could open up the opportunity for them to see what they are really doing and give them the opportunity to change it.

Another thing is with wanting people to hear my pain and give sympathy and comfort...I find what I truely need is not the sympathy and comfort from other people but just to get awareness and comfort in general. When I refuse to feel something thats when I try to turn to other people in order to get that need met and it usually doesn't work and I tend to get frustrated because then I don't feel listened to and the other person gets frustrated as well. So what I need is to feel it myself and give myself the comfort and allow myself to feel how people care and love me in other ways....when I hold that believe that they care when they give attention to my pain and if thats all I focus on then I shut myself off from the other ways and they feel empty. People already give me what I truely want which is caring and love through their calling and thinking of me, compliments, encouragement, believing in me, presents, being silly with me, sharing jokes with me and many other ways, I was just closed to feeling it.

I also notice that I'm both afraid that if I start talking to other people I'm going to just dump my stuff on them and push them away but even more so i'm going to dump stuff on myself if I don't distract myself from myself with music and stuff and it be overwhelming and i'm afraid of others dumping on me...so its really interesting how that fear works itself into my life in so many ways. When it comes to dumping on myself, when I refuse to feel whatever it is, thats when it gets overwhelming and scary and hard to deal with but if I allow it then its tolerable and it can actually feel satisfying and cathartic, the resistance itself is what intensifies it and makes it unbearable.

There is also an expectation when it comes to being assertive...already i'm discouraging myself and saying the person is not goign to respond well...i'm already expecting them not to respond well without trying...but what is the worst thing that could happen if they didn't respond well? They'd say no or get really angry which is just a reflection of themselves and their lack of ability to communicate and not my fault or a reflection of my wrongness or badness and maybe them getting mad is just part of the process.

I'm really sorry for the long post but I haven't been able to post in a few days.


Mike

[Ninjafrodo2]

Also I was thinking after we finish this run-through we could go through the program again but this time we can extend certain lessons to be 2 weeks instead of just 1, what do you guys think? (lesson 2, 3, 4, 7,8 for sure! And likely the one about secondary gains and time management).

Foreveryoung;
Thank you and i'm not going to be putting as much pictures up at the moment until my power comes back up but i'll put more up when it comes back on.

THH;
One thing popped into my head about you getting sick that I wanted to get into.

You mentioned about being sick and then getting resentful because only 2 of your clients really cared and expressed it about you being sick...but were you caring about yourself when it came to getting sick when you were still working really hard? Why expect others to care more when you were still doing all the same ammount of work and trying to ignore being sick, it seemed like people thought that well since you are still working just as hard, it really isn't bothering you so I might as well not say anything...it could have been a different story if you were sick in bed and not at work. Just a thought.

Interesting how you say neither your sister and your mother get stressed when they are really negative together...is this the actual truth or does it just seem that way? You also said that your sister gets worried about what your mom wants or thinks. Your family members seem to be anxious and depressed themselves to a degree...how can you not be if alot of what you talk about is really negative? Especially if you try to be positive and it gets joked about...I can definately see some practice opportunities when it comes to being assertive with them.

Also you said you don't know the difference with being aggressive or assertive...that card with the polar bear is what being assertive is and along with the boundaries card too. So you are expressing your truth and politely telling people that they need to respect your rules, that is assertive. Its best to be simple and significant with your words (i'm still looking for a good picture with that quote). In your heart you know you don't appreciate what is being said or done...so you could simply say "I don't appreciate what you're saying" or "I don't like it when you talk to me in such a condesending manner" or "it really bothers me when you say those things to me and I appreciate it if you would stop.". And what you say may very well get joked about or shot down because its still a new thing and the people who have known you for so long are used to getting a certain response. So be like a river and keep doing it despite that and even start to distance yourself if you have to in order to really give the message you are going for. If they really care then they'll have to change in order to still have a relationship, if they are not willing to listen then well you don't have to listen to them either. By doing that you are not enabling them to continue and you are giving the direct message that you are not willing to tolerate the things they do that are bothering you anymore...thats assertiveness! Aggressiveness is just gettign mad, angry, controlling, name calling and even manipulation through guilt. No expectations when you do it...we are the captain of our ship but not the sea...its not about getting a certain response, its about expressing your truth and putting your foot down. Does this help? Does this help to give some clarity? I noticed for me, it really wasn't that I didn't know how to be assertive, its just that I didn't know how to fulfill an expectation which was unrealistic (expressing myself and having the exact response that I was looking for or rather avoiding a negative one).

and yes I do that too. Sometimes it just gets too stressful and I get lost in my old patterns and I can't seem to see what is going to help me get out of those negative moods or why I was in there in the first place and then at some point I need to find a reminder....the pictures can sometimes do that for me, sometimes I just have to let myself feel negative kind of like when I think Jane said how she called Lucinda when she was having a panic attack late at night and she couldn't get busy and clean the closets at 3am and Lucinda said to just pull the sheets up and have a panic attack and let it pass and it did.


I'm thankful for the beautiful scenery that the icestorm created...all the trees and powerlines have a nice coating of ice and it looks amazing.

I'm proud of myself for spending a couple hours replacing thoughts and coming to several revelations.


Mike

[forever young 06]

mike sorry to hear you have lost your electricity. I know that can be rough. I hope they get it turned on real soon. we didn't have but a little wind and rain. I am still fighting with the insurance web site to get my husbands citizens ship proved every document I sent they say it won't work. this is really pushing my endurance. I don't know what else to do. I am not having a lot of time to do the program either. I need to get on a scheldue but that puts more pressure on me too. I need to do my breathing exersices. hope you all have a merry Christmas.

[THH]

Mike,
Sorry your power is off. It makes you realize how much of our life is centered around having it. Hope it comes on soon!
Also all good points, being sick & my mom & sisters relationship with negative- ness. I really don't know if it stresses them out. I believe it does not. But again it could be a lie I tell myself. Maybe because I at the time feel inferior. Again it is my perception. It is hard working on all this and being in such a environment. It is hard getting in between the thoughts and keeping my perception on real things. 2+2 does not equal 5. Good things to think about. Thanks.

Yes Mike, you did a great job on giving me clarity with aggression vs. assertiveness! That was good. I think for me, I don't know how I feel at the time. I think I have a tendency to get mad. This maybe my first reaction. I need to slow things down and think about it more. Rather than just give my first reaction, which could be anger. If I respond out of anger it could be my quick mind making things up rather than focusing on the person who is talking to me at that time, and what exactly is being said. Not what I think they said, but really listening to what is being said. If I stay away from the anger then I may be better at being assertive.
I'll get a practice run tomorrow when everyone is over! LOL...

Good stuff!

Ok short but good. I'll try and remember what opportunity's I get and how I feel and post them.

forever Young,
Geez...You are getting a lot of practice dealing with this insurance problem. If you can't get it done yourself, call a independent broker. They can do all this hard stuff for you. Any agent can help you. They get paid from the gov. agency so it is no cost to you.
We are not going anywhere, so ya don't pressure your self. Your doing great!!!

[forever young 06]

Merry Christmas everyone!!!!!!! It is finally here I wont to not be depressed when it is over. I am keeping my expectations low and realizing that the greatest gift was Jesus Christ and he is going to still be here in the new year and after all this can be the best year ever, even maybe our break thru. I am going to stay positive. I am working on my food for supper that is when my daughter is coming out.

THH I do always react with anger when things don't work out. I know I need to work on that. I hope you have a good day today. I hope I can find time in the next few days to work on the work book and review the lessons again. I need to work on my time as I waste a lot.

Mike I hope your power is back on. how are you keeping warm?

[Ninjafrodo2]

Hey all, Merry Christmas and sorry I was gone for so long. I was one of the lucky ones to get the power come up fairly quickly (it was off for about a day and a half)...there are still some people in toronto who do not have power, the city actually setup a warming center for people to stay at...so it was an interesting start to the holidays thats for sure!

I've gotten more assertiveness practice in although nothing big. I have been afraid of saying stuff to the landlord when he swears (it makes me really uncomfortable), I told him he didn't have to swear and then he responded saying that he is pissed off...I didn't get what I wanted but I felt pretty good for trying because I spoke my truth. I also told someone that I felt really uncomfortable when they kept saying that nobody wants to be around them and it was really neat because it made him see how just voicing that negative statement created the exact reality he doesn't want...that alone pushes people away. That felt good and I asked him if he would be willing to not do that or save it for someone else and he said he was going to work on it, I said that I was going to work on expressing myself more and I told him i'm not expecting any kind of perfection here, I understand its not easy to break this...and this felt pretty good.

I went to see my chinese medicine doctor (also one of the teachers I had collage) and this guy is really amazing. He seems to know alot of what I do but to a higher level and its stuff that I've picked up in all areas of my life...he practices mindfulness meditation, he knows about the power of our thoughts and beliefs in the subconscious mind, he knows about being genuine and the importance of recognizing and fulfilling our needs, he knows about trusting your intuition, he is a really hard worker, he walks his talk, he takes care of himself and he is also skilled in assertiveness! So we ended up talking about how to be assertive and I asked him about a situation where people are dumping their problems off onto you and you are getting overwhelmed and you want them to stop. I asked how he would handle it.

He told me to say this "Right now i'm not available for you because I have my own crap that i'm dealing with and I'd like to support you but I can because of that." Which is very genuine because I really do want to help out and also i'm not at the place to do that. He also talked to me about why this is true....he said you have to have your needs met first before you can have their needs met because if yours aren't met then they are constantly on your mind and you are not paying full attention to that person and you could also be projecting your own stuff onto them and your own answers which may not be truely helpful to them. This totally made sense and I wanted to share this with you guys in hopes that maybe it could be useful to you guys too.

I have taken a bit of a break from the relaxation cd but instead what has been calming me and soothing me down is to listen to some really enjoyable music that gets me in a really good mood and then focusing on the best qualities of who I am, the things I really love about myself and it makes me feel loved and soothed and I highly recommend it!

ForeverYoung
Do what you need to do in order to take care of yourself, even if that means not putting as much into the program, its a really busy time of the year right now and it can be a really stressful time as well.

How was your Christmas?

THH
It can definately be a challenge when that immediate anger comes up thats for sure...did you end up getting practice?


I'm thankful for music and how it can put me in such a great mood
I'm proud of myself for cleaning my room


Mike