J, I am sorry the challanges you are facing. As any coherant diary reader will know from this tale of words is, that it takes two. Clearly one is absent and self absorbed. It is a sickness really. It HAS drained you of a ability to live. I see know doubt that when cinderella crashed, she picked up what pieces she had and commenced to be the realistic puzzle solver that is needed for life. Many frayed pieces have been recognized and placed accordingly in the map of life. J, Did you knowingly damage you daughter? NO. You did not when it came to you awakinging to the "truth" of all the facts. You made her want to live again. Truth has a double edge sword, all lives have some good and some not so good times. It is not your fault and the prime mover would be it was We under the your Husband with his Wife. Maybe the statement should be that DH has not treated you as the Temple that your are.
ephesians 5,25
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26 to make her holy, cleansing[a] her by the washing with water through the word, 27 and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.
Truth and tough love will prevail. Anything else is.......
R
Hows your blizzard T ?
Dear Diary
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tina martin
- Posts: 792
- Joined: Sun Nov 14, 2010 9:24 pm
Re: Dear Diary
J, this time I actually went to YT and heard the song as sung by old timer Anne Murray. Thank you for the lyrics. Yes, I can see where it expresses your feelings, your longings, your sorrow, and maybe hope. Hope is that 3rd component: Forgiveness, Love, Hope. These lofty aspirations can help sustain us.
Now it is interesting that R and I see your situation differently. I tend to think this was always so. He sees DH as primary issue, I see it as B. Maybe it's more complex as things usually are. Believe DH was/is a good father to J. How about B? You need not address this, of course.
R, the blizzard was wild yesterday. At least it was Sunday and people did not have to be out. I'll probably walk today but may skip driving and sadly miss Monday yoga. Isn't it lovely that we can still be together, thanks to you, after a good number of years? Too bad others did not join in.
Now it is interesting that R and I see your situation differently. I tend to think this was always so. He sees DH as primary issue, I see it as B. Maybe it's more complex as things usually are. Believe DH was/is a good father to J. How about B? You need not address this, of course.
R, the blizzard was wild yesterday. At least it was Sunday and people did not have to be out. I'll probably walk today but may skip driving and sadly miss Monday yoga. Isn't it lovely that we can still be together, thanks to you, after a good number of years? Too bad others did not join in.
Re: Dear Diary
Hi Tina and R.,
I just want to let you both know that today was a much better day. I had a record breaking day at the shop, and MY personal record (higher then anyone else if I do say so myself) today was $1300.00.
I was so honored, as yesterday at the shop a woman came in and asked me if she could meet with me tomorrow (today) to have me plan her whole wardrobe, from shoes, to jewelry to handbags to 3 outfits for her upcoming trip to St. Thomas.
She had been so worried about what to wear, how to pack, etc, but I had forgotten about it all together. Evidentially I suggested that she come in Monday morning (today) as that is a slower time for me.
Well, in she walked and we worked together for an hour or so.
She bought everything I put together for her, and I even had to suggest that certain items she could do without. (I would rather have her coming back, wanting more)
Then I sent her across Ocean drive to an upscale boutique specializing in women's undergarments so she could be properly fitted for the appropriate pieces.
Sigh. Nothing makes me happier then making someone SO HAPPY!!! I really do love my job and my boss LOVES me.
Tina, Thank you for listening to my favorite song of all time, The Song of Bernadette. It's (for me) the song about the child within me. I saw things, nobody believed me, but no matter what happened to me, I haven't forgotten the child within me.
It brings me peace.
Regarding B and my DH., sigh....she adores him. But, I know that she NEEDS to adore him. My DH is very one dimensional with her and is always very kind. What she doesn't know is he has no love for her what so ever. He is just kind to her, and that is enough. She loves him, he pretends to love her. It's a very strange situation. If you were to really get to know my DH you would soon realize that something is missing. It's all fake. (hard to explain but he is the same way with his own children, sadly)
Some of them realize it, some of them don't.
J is more critical of him then anyone knows, but only to me. She also loves him and of all of his children, I must say that he always tells me that he loves her the most. He has a true soft spot for her. He HAS been a VERY good father to her.
Something is missing in him though. I can't explain it but you would understand right away if you met him and had read this before hand. It's sad. He comes to our shop everyday with Coco our dog but I am ALWAYS too busy to talk. It's just a quick hello.
My sadness comes from never developing myself completely. I was never autonomous. (?) Is that the word? I never found out who I was inside, but I am discovering who I am now...a work in progress. So, I love my job, I love my children, and B is very ill with her ED, but it is all up to her now.
That's it. The rest is uncharted. I don't know anything else about what I love. I've been somebody else's everything for too long.
Today was a great day, though, and I suppose I needed a great day.
Do I ever wish I wasn't married to DH? Yes, but sadly, I'm too frightened to learn what that would be like, and I'm not wiling to hurt him. It's my dilemma that I've lived with for a long time and I am ok with my dilemma. Do I love him? I love him. But I'm not in love with him. It's enough.
Has he treated me well over the years? He thinks he has. And, he knows he hasn't. Let's leave it at that.
He doesn't hurt me anymore.
I have work to do to find out more about who I am, on the inside. I know I like to please people. It's why I'm so good at my job.
This is the only place that I can safely talk about ME. You and M let me talk about me. And Dr. W., of course.
T., I actually heard about your storm from our customers. Crazy weather. Kansas too.
R., you know how much I adore you. T., too.
If it weren't for the three of you, I'd be dead. I'm sure of it.
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO
Love,
J.
I just want to let you both know that today was a much better day. I had a record breaking day at the shop, and MY personal record (higher then anyone else if I do say so myself) today was $1300.00.
I was so honored, as yesterday at the shop a woman came in and asked me if she could meet with me tomorrow (today) to have me plan her whole wardrobe, from shoes, to jewelry to handbags to 3 outfits for her upcoming trip to St. Thomas.
She had been so worried about what to wear, how to pack, etc, but I had forgotten about it all together. Evidentially I suggested that she come in Monday morning (today) as that is a slower time for me.
Well, in she walked and we worked together for an hour or so.
She bought everything I put together for her, and I even had to suggest that certain items she could do without. (I would rather have her coming back, wanting more)
Then I sent her across Ocean drive to an upscale boutique specializing in women's undergarments so she could be properly fitted for the appropriate pieces.
Sigh. Nothing makes me happier then making someone SO HAPPY!!! I really do love my job and my boss LOVES me.
Tina, Thank you for listening to my favorite song of all time, The Song of Bernadette. It's (for me) the song about the child within me. I saw things, nobody believed me, but no matter what happened to me, I haven't forgotten the child within me.
It brings me peace.
Regarding B and my DH., sigh....she adores him. But, I know that she NEEDS to adore him. My DH is very one dimensional with her and is always very kind. What she doesn't know is he has no love for her what so ever. He is just kind to her, and that is enough. She loves him, he pretends to love her. It's a very strange situation. If you were to really get to know my DH you would soon realize that something is missing. It's all fake. (hard to explain but he is the same way with his own children, sadly)
Some of them realize it, some of them don't.
J is more critical of him then anyone knows, but only to me. She also loves him and of all of his children, I must say that he always tells me that he loves her the most. He has a true soft spot for her. He HAS been a VERY good father to her.
Something is missing in him though. I can't explain it but you would understand right away if you met him and had read this before hand. It's sad. He comes to our shop everyday with Coco our dog but I am ALWAYS too busy to talk. It's just a quick hello.
My sadness comes from never developing myself completely. I was never autonomous. (?) Is that the word? I never found out who I was inside, but I am discovering who I am now...a work in progress. So, I love my job, I love my children, and B is very ill with her ED, but it is all up to her now.
That's it. The rest is uncharted. I don't know anything else about what I love. I've been somebody else's everything for too long.
Today was a great day, though, and I suppose I needed a great day.
Do I ever wish I wasn't married to DH? Yes, but sadly, I'm too frightened to learn what that would be like, and I'm not wiling to hurt him. It's my dilemma that I've lived with for a long time and I am ok with my dilemma. Do I love him? I love him. But I'm not in love with him. It's enough.
Has he treated me well over the years? He thinks he has. And, he knows he hasn't. Let's leave it at that.
He doesn't hurt me anymore.
I have work to do to find out more about who I am, on the inside. I know I like to please people. It's why I'm so good at my job.
This is the only place that I can safely talk about ME. You and M let me talk about me. And Dr. W., of course.
T., I actually heard about your storm from our customers. Crazy weather. Kansas too.
R., you know how much I adore you. T., too.
If it weren't for the three of you, I'd be dead. I'm sure of it.
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO
Love,
J.
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tina martin
- Posts: 792
- Joined: Sun Nov 14, 2010 9:24 pm
Re: Dear Diary
This is good insight, J. I had the song wrong, will listen to it again. Am happy to read that J and B love DH and he is a good father. In my book kindness goes a long way. As to something missing, I wonder who does not have one thing or another missing. R may be the only perfect H around, but he is taken.
And who knows who they are? Maybe Dr. K does but I would doubt even him. He has said he felt his father did not love him. What does that create? What does any parent create? If the child is not loved properly during childhood what happens (or does not happen) during adulthood?
You have found work that pleases you. That is huge, maybe bigger than anything else. There are layers and layers and layers of love. They are exploited, distorted, promoted, fabricated ad nauseum. The libido gone ballistic. At the same time the young want to discard Freud who'd have a field day today. Whew, much to think about. Thank you, J. I love to think.
And who knows who they are? Maybe Dr. K does but I would doubt even him. He has said he felt his father did not love him. What does that create? What does any parent create? If the child is not loved properly during childhood what happens (or does not happen) during adulthood?
You have found work that pleases you. That is huge, maybe bigger than anything else. There are layers and layers and layers of love. They are exploited, distorted, promoted, fabricated ad nauseum. The libido gone ballistic. At the same time the young want to discard Freud who'd have a field day today. Whew, much to think about. Thank you, J. I love to think.
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tina martin
- Posts: 792
- Joined: Sun Nov 14, 2010 9:24 pm
Re: Dear Diary
Hope I did not offend you, J, with my diatribe yesterday. I've turned into an awful critic of the current culture. My intent is only to share the pitfalls as I see them. You know I always want the best for you, love..........t
Re: Dear Diary
Tina,
You could never offend me. You have always encouraged me, believed in me and praised me. At times it was only the 3 of you that DID believe in me, but now there is a 4th person too. Me.
Yesterday was a wild day at work and it's hard for me to transfer from the work me and leave it all behind. Since I walk to work, and it is just two blocks, I haven't the time to sort of de-stress. I'm going to start walking more on the beach at night after I get home, as the days grow longer, to unwind.
But, you could never,ever offend me.
The current culture is out of control. I watched the first generation of FB users, as J. was the first gen. of kids with that sort of technology and communication. I was hoping it would be a passing fad.
In a way, it has been. She no longer is on FB ALL the time, but she is pregnant, she is a young teacher and she has full custody of her step daughter. She also uses FB to communicate, but obviously, not like she used to.
The current generation are much much worse. The 'sext', they don't even talk on the phone anymore and it's all about texting instead. Dr. K. is 100 percent correct that we are losing our selves in technology.
I feel guilty because I come on here and talk about me, and I never seem to be able to quite catch up with the two of you!
Are the Robbins out yet? I doubt it. I am watching an Eagle Family on a live streaming cam in Florida, and everyday I post new photos of the young Eaglets to my FB page, so other people can follow the miracle. The Parents are Ozzie and Harriet and the two Eaglets are Hope and Honor. I've been watching since before Harriet laid her eggs.
Eagles are truly GREAT creatures, and parents. Ozzie stays a few branches above, to be on the watch for predators and Harriet continues to build the nest 'rails' higher and higher, as the young eaglets grow. They have gotten SO big and now are learning to spread their wings (their wing span is huge) and they are fluttering their wings and sort of jumping in the nest. There is a word for it, but I forget what it's called. It's what Eagles do before they actually fly the nest. They practice spreading their wings and jumping. It is fascinating.
OK--I love you and it's all good.
Love,
J.
You could never offend me. You have always encouraged me, believed in me and praised me. At times it was only the 3 of you that DID believe in me, but now there is a 4th person too. Me.
Yesterday was a wild day at work and it's hard for me to transfer from the work me and leave it all behind. Since I walk to work, and it is just two blocks, I haven't the time to sort of de-stress. I'm going to start walking more on the beach at night after I get home, as the days grow longer, to unwind.
But, you could never,ever offend me.
The current culture is out of control. I watched the first generation of FB users, as J. was the first gen. of kids with that sort of technology and communication. I was hoping it would be a passing fad.
In a way, it has been. She no longer is on FB ALL the time, but she is pregnant, she is a young teacher and she has full custody of her step daughter. She also uses FB to communicate, but obviously, not like she used to.
The current generation are much much worse. The 'sext', they don't even talk on the phone anymore and it's all about texting instead. Dr. K. is 100 percent correct that we are losing our selves in technology.
I feel guilty because I come on here and talk about me, and I never seem to be able to quite catch up with the two of you!
Are the Robbins out yet? I doubt it. I am watching an Eagle Family on a live streaming cam in Florida, and everyday I post new photos of the young Eaglets to my FB page, so other people can follow the miracle. The Parents are Ozzie and Harriet and the two Eaglets are Hope and Honor. I've been watching since before Harriet laid her eggs.
Eagles are truly GREAT creatures, and parents. Ozzie stays a few branches above, to be on the watch for predators and Harriet continues to build the nest 'rails' higher and higher, as the young eaglets grow. They have gotten SO big and now are learning to spread their wings (their wing span is huge) and they are fluttering their wings and sort of jumping in the nest. There is a word for it, but I forget what it's called. It's what Eagles do before they actually fly the nest. They practice spreading their wings and jumping. It is fascinating.
OK--I love you and it's all good.
Love,
J.
-
tina martin
- Posts: 792
- Joined: Sun Nov 14, 2010 9:24 pm
Re: Dear Diary
J, you make my day. Best is that YOU are present. You are not the 4th; in fact, you are the first, the rest of us follow. Yes, walking as a de-stressor is excellent. FB and its relatives, what can I say? What don't I blame it for? Was it the Arab Spring or will it actually turn into the Arab Nightmare or has that already happened? I'll blame........for just about anything.
Robins are not back, not yet, anyway. Believe you were not at LTT when I had my 2 robin sagas. R lived them with me. Will never forget that experience, so can very much appreciate the Eagle family you are describing.
Look how far you've come since LTT. Clearly remember when you first arrived. Astounding. Hope you give yourself credit for all you've accomplished. Write it up in a notebook (or a memoir) because you are one success story. B will succeed too. Know it in the marrow of my bones. Have a wonderful day, love............t
Robins are not back, not yet, anyway. Believe you were not at LTT when I had my 2 robin sagas. R lived them with me. Will never forget that experience, so can very much appreciate the Eagle family you are describing.
Look how far you've come since LTT. Clearly remember when you first arrived. Astounding. Hope you give yourself credit for all you've accomplished. Write it up in a notebook (or a memoir) because you are one success story. B will succeed too. Know it in the marrow of my bones. Have a wonderful day, love............t
Re: Dear Diary
Dear Diary,
Today I did a strange thing, diary, and I knew as my fingers ran across my keyboard that I shouldn't be doing it.
I don't even agree with what my fingers typed out which made me think and think and think some more.
Sigh...Back up...
Today(?) Dr. K. wrote an innocuous and very innocent article on Fox News. It was something along the lines of how "Skyping" (sp) is revolutionizing Mental Health and a person's ability to have access to the best of the best in the Mental Health Care field. Not quite that simple-but a simple enough idea, and one that deserves attention and conversation.
So, I automatically DECIDED to disagree. Is my position or opinion even relevant at this point? I guess the matter, with insight, needs to be broken down into two categories.
1. WHY did I automatically disagree with his opinion before even thinking it through, diary? Here's why.
So, I'm pausing at my keyboard for an unprecedented amount of time trying to figure out the "Here's why" part....
His use of the word "intimacy" and having the ability to "not look away" FREAKED ME OUT. GROSS!!!! GROSS GROSS GROSS!!!
Those words caused a visceral reaction within me. (note to self: look up the definition of visceral) That's why I never, ever would see him in person. That and my DH. But even without my DH's interference, I wouldn't have gone. I'm afraid of him.
I don't want him to have the ability to "look at me." GROSS.
Too much intimacy in looking into the computer and having someone actually look back at me. I would have to duck the whole time during therapy. Duck under the desk so he couldn't see me. Seriously.
2. So, why is that my problem? Why can other people have him "look at them" and I can't? It seems easy enough. GROSS.
3. I'm not sure it IS a revolutionary idea. Ok--here is what I couldn't say on FB, but wanted to: Skype would only work for those patients that need a sort of life coach. (lol-I just spelled "couch three times before I could get it right) Skype would not be for those suffering from severe clinical depression or suicidal ideation. (imho)
I put in the work with Dr. W. in person and it was an effort that I committed to in order to get better. And she is a stickler with boundaries. Not so much anymore, but in the beginning she sure was. And that was very helpful for me.
But still, why was I such a brat this morning? I WANTED to disagree with him. Is that like when a teenager needs to develop an identity of their own so they pull away from their parents? It felt like that to me. Like I was intentionally being surly so I can let go. I mean, I thought I did let go until he wrote that pesky article.
That's it.
Hi to Tina and R, and Diary, please thank Tina for her love, patience, guidance, acceptance and understanding.
Love,
Me.
PS
Note to self again: Look up the definition of innocuous.
PPS
THREE categories. I am SO BAD at math!!
Today I did a strange thing, diary, and I knew as my fingers ran across my keyboard that I shouldn't be doing it.
I don't even agree with what my fingers typed out which made me think and think and think some more.
Sigh...Back up...
Today(?) Dr. K. wrote an innocuous and very innocent article on Fox News. It was something along the lines of how "Skyping" (sp) is revolutionizing Mental Health and a person's ability to have access to the best of the best in the Mental Health Care field. Not quite that simple-but a simple enough idea, and one that deserves attention and conversation.
So, I automatically DECIDED to disagree. Is my position or opinion even relevant at this point? I guess the matter, with insight, needs to be broken down into two categories.
1. WHY did I automatically disagree with his opinion before even thinking it through, diary? Here's why.
So, I'm pausing at my keyboard for an unprecedented amount of time trying to figure out the "Here's why" part....
His use of the word "intimacy" and having the ability to "not look away" FREAKED ME OUT. GROSS!!!! GROSS GROSS GROSS!!!
Those words caused a visceral reaction within me. (note to self: look up the definition of visceral) That's why I never, ever would see him in person. That and my DH. But even without my DH's interference, I wouldn't have gone. I'm afraid of him.
I don't want him to have the ability to "look at me." GROSS.
Too much intimacy in looking into the computer and having someone actually look back at me. I would have to duck the whole time during therapy. Duck under the desk so he couldn't see me. Seriously.
2. So, why is that my problem? Why can other people have him "look at them" and I can't? It seems easy enough. GROSS.
3. I'm not sure it IS a revolutionary idea. Ok--here is what I couldn't say on FB, but wanted to: Skype would only work for those patients that need a sort of life coach. (lol-I just spelled "couch three times before I could get it right) Skype would not be for those suffering from severe clinical depression or suicidal ideation. (imho)
I put in the work with Dr. W. in person and it was an effort that I committed to in order to get better. And she is a stickler with boundaries. Not so much anymore, but in the beginning she sure was. And that was very helpful for me.
But still, why was I such a brat this morning? I WANTED to disagree with him. Is that like when a teenager needs to develop an identity of their own so they pull away from their parents? It felt like that to me. Like I was intentionally being surly so I can let go. I mean, I thought I did let go until he wrote that pesky article.
That's it.
Hi to Tina and R, and Diary, please thank Tina for her love, patience, guidance, acceptance and understanding.
Love,
Me.
PS
Note to self again: Look up the definition of innocuous.
PPS
THREE categories. I am SO BAD at math!!
Re: Dear Diary
I am NO saint as a Mate, trust me I have been a jerk more than once. Must admit most times were from me not getting my wants.
J, over the years I have read between the lines and even seen the writen examples of you being seriously abused, both mentaly and sexually. Might give thought at slaying that dragon while sharing with the Dr.
In saying this it would explain with more understanding of how much your being twisted by dominating circustances and in trying to understand the feelings knawing at ya.
You mentioned diary being a trigger, I agree. I also believe it is truth you are seeking and with us you have been accountable
And have healed in continually learn and practicing the understanding and moving on.
I say all this coming from the heart. No need to reply if it is uncomfortable.
Add more about me later.
Hey Mrs. T,and you two be safe.
J, over the years I have read between the lines and even seen the writen examples of you being seriously abused, both mentaly and sexually. Might give thought at slaying that dragon while sharing with the Dr.
In saying this it would explain with more understanding of how much your being twisted by dominating circustances and in trying to understand the feelings knawing at ya.
You mentioned diary being a trigger, I agree. I also believe it is truth you are seeking and with us you have been accountable
And have healed in continually learn and practicing the understanding and moving on.
I say all this coming from the heart. No need to reply if it is uncomfortable.
Add more about me later.
Hey Mrs. T,and you two be safe.
Re: Dear Diary
Yes, R., to us, (or me) you are perfect.
XOXO
XOXO