Using 6 steps if reason for fear is not all in my thoughts

[Martha J.]

Trying to get back on track. Stopped the program after 6 sessions and now am trying to get back on the right path. With help of my spouse i have realized how much my anxiety has hurt me over the last 20 years. He and i have been married 13 years. 2nd marriage for both. I realize that I have always avoided conflict to keep my life manageable. However with my current spouse, I am not able to do that. He is a charge in and attack conflict sort of a guy and i am a run to the hills at the first sign of conflict sort of a girl. Here is my real question...What do I tell myself in self talk when the reason my anxiety goes out the roof is because I hate yelling and shouting . I am afraid of saying the wrong thing to him so I say nothing and he gets mad and starts yelling and calling me names etc. He thinks there is nothing wrong with yelling and it is just his way of expressing himself. I know I would do better if I could carry on a conversation and not care if he gets mad but my anxiety goes out the roof. I have hated yelling since I was a child. So... what self talk would work in a situation where I know my fear will happen (there will be yelling and shouting) so I can manage my anxiety better.

[coachchris]

Hi Martha,

Thank you for you post. This is Coach Chris. I am a coach here at StressCenter. It is good to hear you are on lesson 7. It will give you the tools to help have a healthy voice and ask for what you need. I would continue to share with him that you are working on communicating better and it helps when he is supportive, patient and understanding. Having anxiety is common when there is yelling and conflict. See if you can both listen to lesson 6 and 7 together and set some goals to keep moving forward. I would ask him to commit to no name calling or yelling between the two of you.

Keep us posted. I would love to hear what you think about lesson 7.

Here to help.
Coach Chris StressCenter.com

[Martha J.]

Hey Coach Chris, I am actually not on lesson 7. I quit last time at lesson 6, have started the tapes again and am currently on lesson 3 about to move to 4. Your comments are close to what we (My husband and I) are discussing. He admits he has a role in our communication issues and I am planning to let him "talk to the Hand" if he starts yelling at me again. He grew up in an environment where yelling and cursing were not a problem. I grew in a home where it existed but I tried to avoid it by being the "perfect child"

Currently my focus is on using the 6 steps and also working on positive self talk. What I now realize is that it isn't all about me under these circumstances and that he has to change too. Thanks for the help.

[coachchris]

Hi Martha,

How are things going now?