speaking up

[CarolM]

I have a hard time "speaking up" when i have to leave and someone keeps talking either in person or on the phone. why is that? It can sometimes be problematic. For instance someone else was waiting for me and I couldn't tell the person i was talking to I had to go. Anyone else finds this happens to them a lot? I really need to start speaking up for myself but I always standing there until the OTHER PERSON wants to end the conversation.

[Iwillbebetter]

I have had this problem, especially with talking to people on the phone. Certianly people more than others also. I use to feel as though I would offend the person because I have "other things to do". It's the "putting ourselves first" that I think we have so much trouble with. I know personally I am such a people pleaser, to put myself or my needs before anothers is VERY hard to adjust to!! But it is something we need to learn to get more comfortable doing!! We are worth it just as much as anyone else!!

Maybe when you know you have something to do, you can start out by letting them know you are limited in time and will have to make it a shorter conversation?

[tina martin]

Oh can I ever relate to this. The only way I can terminate a call is if I initiate it. Then I always ask whether this is a good time to call and try to keep it short myself. At any point I can say, "I'll let you go now." On an incoming call I utilize caller ID. If I am limited in time to speak I won't pick it up but will call the person back as soon as I have time. This is one time I appreciate technology.

I might add that this kind of sensitivity strikes me as a reflection of courtesy and consideration to the other person rather than a shortcoming in us.

[pams]

I too can relate to this problem. You hit the nail on the head when you said that you were a "People Pleaser"!! I have always been hat way, I guess because I NEVER got positive input from my father. I did however get it from my Mom always! I guess that's why I can relate to both sides of the coin. Do you know what I mean? I was always afraid that people won't like me, even though I was the "wittiest Girl" in high school & the life of the party. I still never felt comfortable in my own skin. I have always tried to treat others the way I want to be treated, but that didn't always work. I seemed to attract users, who needed attention without giving any in return. They could always rely on your support but didn't have time when you needed a friend to talk to. I just finally didn't put myself out there for anyone because I was afraid of rejection. I'm sooo glad I started this program, I'm on lesson 3 & am working on those negative thoughts & trying to replace them with positive ones. It's not easy, but I'm going to give it the best I can. I have already seem a difference in myself & am excited about my future! I look forward to talking to you all daily & making new friends.
Pams

[Gigi123]

As others said, this comes from the desire to please others. I use to be the same but I've come to realize you can still be nice about it. I normally kindly say "sorry, but so and so is waiting for me or actually, I have someone else on the other line, can I call you back in a few minutes?" It's hard at first but will get easier.

[pams]

gigi123,
That really sounds like a good response. . .but what if you are face to face? I have to work on your technique. I have to also realize that YOU CAN'T PLEASE ALL PEOPLE ALL THE TIME!! I also have to learn not to be so sensitive & toughen up a bit. I'm starting lesson 4 tomorrow. How is everyone doing with changing our negative thoughts into positive ones! Hope everything is going well for all of you!
pams

[Gigi123]

Pams, it's a tough one! I just cancelled a birthday dinner with my dad and stepmom because we've had SO much lately. And I was willing to go because I didn't want anyone to think badly of me. But you have to take care of yourself too because no one else will. At the end of the day we'll never please everyone.

If you're in person and you need to leave but someone is still talking, I usually give them a couple minutes and then I say "Anyways, it was so nice seeing you, I have to be on my way. Let's keep in touch." or "Anyways, *acknowledge what they were talking about,* I have to head out now." It's as easy peasy as that!

[pams]

gigi123,
I think you might be right for not going to the birthday party being that everyone will probably be there, but I can't help but think that when you don't go to one of the gatherings with your family it makes your sister the WINNER & that what she has made up about you & your hubby is right!! Do you know what I mean? You are a MEMBER of the family & have every right to attend & enjoy the rest of your family. I just can't help but feel that you would be SMACKING your sister right in the face by attending the celebration with a loving and HAPPY attitude, showing to EVERYONE that your sister is a LIAR!!! You must be determined to BE HAPPY & put on your loving personality towards your sister. . . . just what do you think everyone will think if you acknowledged your sister with a happy SMILE & HUG, acting like nothing ever happened & that you are just the OPPOSITE of what she has lead everyone to believe. . . You may only want to stay just for a short time. . but think of what this type of attitude would do to the MEAN ones in your family. . . don't forget to give your MOM a HUGE HUG & KISS and ask her how everything is going, if she just shrugs you off with a one word response like FINE, be prepared for that, & then reply that you love her & that you are so glad that things are fine with her. Keep yourself busy at the party by helping with serving, chit chatting with everyone there, give compliments & smiles to everyone. . . . (can you picture the event with an attitude like that from both you & your husband?) It's like you just BLACK OUT all the bad & bring out only THE GOOD!!!!

You are right. . . . I really don't know all the details of the hurt that she has caused you & your husband, but no matter how BAD she has been, you are letting her WIN by shutting yourself off & letting everyone believe the bad things that she has said & done. Maybe you & your husband could pray about it & see if you can put on that new personality, that has been there all along but your sister has made you guys out to be who you are NOT!!

This is what I have done in my own family drama & it took a while. . . BUT. . . they all learned that I was NOT the person that my sister-n-law made me out to be. . . . like I said, It took a while, but I won the final battle, now my family doesn't listen to her anymore cause they know what kind of person I really am, & that she was just being mean & nasty & I guess a bit jealous. Although I don't know what of. There is also the mental problems that she may be suffering from & that might be why she always has to put someone else down for her to feel better about herself. I have a brother like that. He comes from outer space with some of the things he says & I just don't understand him, so I try very hard to just talk with him about the things in his life because most other topics can turn into him putting me down, like DO YOU REALLY THINK THAT? WHERE DID YOU HEAR THAT??? THAT'S SOOOO STUPID!!! So I keep it light & non combative. . . it's not easy, but I have to or else we would never speak at all. Sociopaths are like that . . . . they ALWAYS have to be RIGHT!!

Soooo . . . really it's not that your going because people will think bad of you if you don't. . . . it's that you are going because you want to share in your families celebration & you shouldn't be denied that opportunity. Who cares what they think you want to be there because you WANT TO BE THERE!!! You & your husband build each other up. . . tell each other how happy your are with each other & that you guys will be a force of happiness to be reckoned with!! Know what I mean?

Have a great day & talk to you soon, your friend pams

[Gigi123]

Hi Pams,

Maybe you're confused with another post, I hadn't mentioned anything about my sister, nor am I married? But thanks anyways We just didn't want to go to the birthday party because we were both really tired from a long week and had a VERY busy weekend last week. I was more concerned about not meeting everyone's expectations of me. We still had a very nice visit with my family this morning. At the end of the day you can't control how others feel, we only have control over our own thoughts and feelings.

[pams]

Gigi123,
sorry about that. . .hahaha. . .you are right I thought you were someone else who had a problem with her sister & family gatherings, so when I read that you were not attending a family gathering I thought you were that person. . . sorry again, hope you are having a wonderful day! your friend pams