What does Lucinda mean by safe person?

[LyndaLu]

When will I begin to feel like my "safe person" ? After I finish the program ? After I finish reading the Sam Obitz book ?
Will I wake up one morning and have a "light bulb" moment and just wake up and "find myself" ? I am on
Session Six and still waiting for miracles. Maybe I am not working hard enough ? Sadly I live alone, am
unemployed and have no friends. I have no one to practice my new skills on except myself, and my elderly
mother. I must get out of my apartment more often or I will emotionally "die" here in this apartment !
I know there is a strong, courageous and intelligent person inside myself somewhere, I just need to find her.
Lynda

[samcat]

Lynda,

No one can answer that question, not even yourself at this point. I have been working at this for four years, at varying levels of intensity and have had ups and downs. You have a hard situation, so you are going to have to be your own friend. In our culture as it exists today, it can be very hard to make a friend. Don't beat yourself up that "you are not working hard enough". My current therapist believes that you have to learn to accept your anxiety, what Lucinda calls floating with it, to recover. The Sam Obitz book is good if you really practice writing down the thought replacement, because it places you more in a place of reality vs fear.

Do you live someplace where you can exercise outdoors? That would boost your mood, plus you may meet some people. Is there somewhere you would enjoy volunteering? You could meet some people with common interests there.

You say there is a strong, intelligent and courageous person inside--keep telling yourself that you ARE all those things and you just happen to have anxiety/depression--don't know you, so don't really know your problem. But do not define yourself by it.
Hang in there and be patient and don't wait for miracles. You are going to have to make this happen. And you can do it!

[samcat]

Lynda,

Before I answered you, I should have read back through the former posts. There I saw that you used to work and knew people from work. Are you still in touch with any of them, some one you could meet for coffee , a walk, just to chat over lunch at someplace simple like a deli? That would get you out of the apartment and back in touch with some people you know. So what if it might make you anxious--they won't know and you can practice your skills by doing it. It would make you feel that you are doing something to move forward. Just a suggestion--don't know if you even live in the same town where you worked before. This stinking economy has messed up a lot of people--my sister was out of work for a year, now she has her dream job.

I think you need to sit down and map out a plan of action for yourself to get yourself out into the world. Like I said, it doesn't have to be big at first--start small and work up, just like Lucinda tells us to do.

[LyndaLu]

samcat: Thank you so much for your support and all of the advice !
I am an intelligent and independent woman with many resources available to me,
so there is no excuse to have been wading in my anxiety/depression as of late.
Three years is a long time to have been away from the world, but I WILL make it back.
Lynda Lu

[LyndaLu]

Lynda,

No one can answer that question, not even yourself at this point. I have been working at this for four years, at varying levels of intensity and have had ups and downs. You have a hard situation, so you are going to have to be your own friend. In our culture as it exists today, it can be very hard to make a friend. Don't beat yourself up that "you are not working hard enough". My current therapist believes that you have to learn to accept your anxiety, what Lucinda calls floating with it, to recover. The Sam Obitz book is good if you really practice writing down the thought replacement, because it places you more in a place of reality vs fear.

Do you live someplace where you can exercise outdoors? That would boost your mood, plus you may meet some people. Is there somewhere you would enjoy volunteering? You could meet some people with common interests there.

You say there is a strong, intelligent and courageous person inside--keep telling yourself that you ARE all those things and you just happen to have anxiety/depression--don't know you, so don't really know your problem. But do not define yourself by it.
Hang in there and be patient and don't wait for miracles. You are going to have to make this happen. And you can do it!

samcat:
I have access to a swimming pool at my apartment complex and a treadmill too. I can exercise outdoors until
it gets too hot, I live in Arizona. I was a member of the YMCA for a short while back in 2010, but ended up
not attending like I would have liked to. Exercise has never been a big part in my life. I am handicapped in a way
with joint disease, arthritis and bursitis and I use this as an excuse all of the time to NOT do things, when really
a person with these conditions needs as much exercise as they can get. I DID go for a 15 minute walk outside recently.

I DID try volunteering for while at the Humane Society ( 2011 ) and I really liked it. Tried working indoors at the clinic,
but found that I could not stand up for four hours at a time, the work was too physical. Later I did fostering of
cats and dogs at my apartment and I really liked doing this, it gave me companionship and I gave back love to
the animals as well. I would become very attached to each foster pet before I had to bring them back to the
Humane Society to be adopted, I found this very heart-breaking. I did not know it would be so hard to give the
animals back after having them in my home for 4-7 weeks ( each pet ). I quit doing the fostering because it ended
up being a lot of work and also because I couldn't have puppies peeing on my carpet all of the time. I had to have
the carpet in my apartment professionally cleaned because of the urine, not pretty, ugh. I also spent a lot of my
own money on some of the pet supplies and stuff. And I had to pay $30.00 per month "pet rent" at my apartment.
I am unemployed and the expense of having the animals in my apartment were just adding up, so I quit doing that.

Lynda

[LyndaLu]

Lynda,

Before I answered you, I should have read back through the former posts. There I saw that you used to work and knew people from work. Are you still in touch with any of them, some one you could meet for coffee , a walk, just to chat over lunch at someplace simple like a deli? That would get you out of the apartment and back in touch with some people you know. So what if it might make you anxious--they won't know and you can practice your skills by doing it. It would make you feel that you are doing something to move forward. Just a suggestion--don't know if you even live in the same town where you worked before. This stinking economy has messed up a lot of people--my sister was out of work for a year, now she has her dream job.

I think you need to sit down and map out a plan of action for yourself to get yourself out into the world. Like I said, it doesn't have to be big at first--start small and work up, just like Lucinda tells us to do.

samcat:
I have not kept in contact with ANY of my ex-co-worker friends. This was my decision after being layed off
from my job due to the poor economy. I got layed off due to "workforce reduction", but I honestly feel that
I also got picked to be the one to get layed off because of my poor work performance due to emotional problems.
2 years before the layoff I had an emotional breakdown, was hospitalized, and went on short term disability for
5 months. When I returned to work I had memory loss and loss of concentration, all of my old skills were almost
gone and I never got them back. I was just running on empty from 2007-2009. My co-worker friends were
VERY supportive after my return from the breakdown, but after I got let go from my job I choose to break all ties
with the co-worker friends. We were all basically friends because we all worked together. Maybe I made the wrong
choice to not keep in touch, but it is a choice I have to live with today. I just have to sever all ties to
that workplace and move on. Although I have severed the ties, I guess I have not "moved on".

Yes, I need to map out a plan of action, this should have happened a long time ago and I grieve for the
time I have wasted. I just cannot stop looking back. I really do not want to do office work anymore but I
am not trained to do anything else and I am not interested in going back to school. I have had three years
to get things done and I have not done them. Now I have almost no more money left and my sister is helping
me out financially for a while. My Social Security Disability claim is still in the works and those claims take
FOREVER to get processed, it could be another year before I hear from the government. Stuck between a
rock and a hard place, need to work but have the disability claim in place. What a mess. I wait for something
to happen not realizing that I have to MAKE IT happen myself.

In 2012: I have been going to some classes at a local women's center here and that has been good for me, to go
learn something new and to be around women who are in need and who are learning to be empowered.
The center is a non-profit faciltiy and the classes are five dollars each. I have taken classes on resume writing,
interview techniques, interview lab, developing your inner leader, professional communication & etiquette,
job searching for the future,and a basic computer class.
I am taking three more computer classes ( only two hours each ) next week,
just to get my feet wet.

There is another "center" in town that gives free classes and help for the job search. I have been to this
center a few times and have taken "Resume Instruction", "Where The Jobs Are", and "Job Club Networking
Group". Both of the centers are at least ten miles from where I live, not far away, but not right next door.

Well I am just rambling on now and my eyes are tired from looking at this computer screen .

Thanks again for your help.
Lynda

[samcat]

Lynda,

Well, I hear you on feeling like you have wasted three years, but the reality is, they are the past. Can't do anything about it and regrets just make you feel bad. You Do have a present and a future though. You have certainly been through some very hard experiences and one thing I can see is a survivor. Don't beat yourself up--you have done pretty darn well, all things considered. Not sure I could have done half as well as you have, but you never know until you are put to the test. And you have been through some pretty hard tests, so pat yourself on the back for getting through them. No wonder you feel like they have taken a toll on you. But I think if you look at it from another angle, you can see that you have survived the worst and are still working on improving your life. You deserve a lot of credit for that!

Arthritis is no fun, but swimming would be great for that. One of my friends had arthritis and she did qi gong ( sp? ) It is similar to Tai Chi, except I think more gentle on your body. Old people all over China are really into it and do it every morning, so I think you could certainly do it. If you ever watch Dr. Oz, he loves it. What is great about it is it also involves breath work, which helps relax us and the Chinese believe, as well as many western doctors now do, that it relieves stress by moving some life force no one quite understands called chi or qi. Same thing they do in acupuncture, except it doesn't use needles.

I completely understand on the pet fostering. I was looking for volunteer work myself and just knew i couldn't do the Animal Shelter or fostering. I am an insane animal lover and want to adopt every pitiful animal out there. I have taken in 3 strays over the years and two have since passed away. Still have my third one, a Russian blue cat named Misty.

I am glad I gave you some ideas and maybe perked you up a little. That is what I believe we are here for. If we don't help each other, there isn't much point to life, is there?

Love your state--think Arizona is beautiful!

[LyndaLu]

samcat: Thank you so much for responding and thank you for the wonderful words of wisdom.
I have seen your name around the website and just realized that you have been writing on here for 3 years. Wow.
Anyhow, I am not at the point in my life where I could really give any good advice on anything yet, but
I have been getting wonderful support and advice and suggestions from everyone around me here on the website.
Thanks again,
Lynda

[samcat]

Lynda, You are very welcome. I have had this wretched anxiety disorder for 4 1/2 years and have been working very hard to get better. For a long time, I really fought it, then did some more research and came to realize that to get better, you have to actually accept it. It is a paradox. Lucinda talks about "floating with it." That is what she means, but she is so subtle, you tend to miss it when you are honed in on fighting it. I am going to a therapist who uses the techniques of Reid Wilson, PhD and Dr. Wilson says we have to change our attitude toward anxiety and actually stop fearing it --then we will recover. Am going to a therapist who thinks the same way. Dr. Wilson said," I can teach you how to get better, but you won't like it", because our inclination is to do all we can to avoid the anxiety instead of just letting it be there and making no big deal of it.

When we stop fearing it, it is just supposed to dissipate. So that is what I am trying to do now. It sure isn't easy.

I would not say that you do not give people any good advice--I have seen some of your posts and they are fine.

I don't come the board very often, so you may not see me back for a while, so you take care and I hope everything works out for you!!

[lucy knepp]

I know that with me I have learned it is good to communicate with others who uplift you and keep you positive not that you ditch ppl who are depressed but don't let them get you down. I think we need to find that inner peace place within ourselves by using the techniques in the program and by talking with positive ppl in chat or on the phone or at the grocery store or church or wherever. But don't stop talking and "listening." We learn from others too. I do my share of talking but I've learned from others. I learned through the program not to rely too heavily on others for validation or approval or to make me happy. They can suggest or advise but ultimately, we gotta get it together and triumph with the help of the techniques we have learned in the program and from sharing with others.