What does Lucinda mean by safe person?

[Want2bhappy]

What does Lucinda mean by you are your own safe person? I am having trouble with this and am exaggerating that she means don't count on anyone else but yourself, you can't trust other people and that it is a negative thing to seek comfort in someone or to want to be around other people & to be happy with other people. Lucinda talks about going out with a positive friend & enjoying compliments from her husband & kids, so I am confused as to what she is meaning. Life would be very lonely if you couldn't or can't rely on other people or be dependent sometimes. Even writing this post I am thinking I am doing something wrong & shouldn't need help from others. Some clarification would be greatly appreciated

[peacefulme]

Hi Want2bhappy,
I know how this may seem confusing. What Lucinda means is that sometimes in order for us to go out and do things, we need to have a "safe" person with us otherwise we think we can't do it or we'll have a panic attack if noone is there with us. When she says you are your "safe" person, she means that you can go to the grocery store, or shopping etc. because you can do it on your own, your "safe" person doesn't need to be with you at all times for you to be able to do it. I hope this makes sense. We definitely all need people in our lives, it is very important and you posting on here is a great way to get clarity into things...I know it's been helpful for me too!

[Want2bhappy]

Thank you for your reply peacefulme. That's what I was thinking it meant, to know you are ok but it is wonderful & comforting to have positive reassuring people in our lives, to trust them & trust your true self. I guess part of my anxiety is trusting myself & other people, that's why I had an issue with this statement. It's ok & healthy to trust others & your true self, the person you were before you developed your anxieties Here's to the journey to becoming happy, healthy & positive again!

[LyndaLu]

Sometimes people with panic attacks have "places" where they feel safe. I had terrible panic attacks

five years ago and my safe "place" was the Emergency Room. I was having panic attacks ( although I

had no idea what was going on at that time), I had that weird spacey feeling, I had migraines, and I

just did not feel "right". So, I went to the Emergency Room because I did not feel good and I was scared.

The Emergency Room and the hospital was my safe "place". When I was there I felt safe.

Lynda

[Want2bhappy]

Thank you Lynda

[jcany]

Hello everyone,
I hope this helps. I think what Lucinda means about your own safe person is to do what you are afraid yourself.
my problem is that I get nervous when I drive so usually I go with someone and only on short distances. well this past Monday I had to go 200 miles away and no one could go with me, mind you it has been 14 months since i drove any kind of distance by myself, most of the time even to go 8 miles to work i would ask someone to take me. i was so scared and had a hard time almost having panic attacks and all the crapy feeling that are associated with that but about 50 miles in to it it started getting better and I am glad to say that I have been driving and staying by myself for the past week. I am steel a little uncomfortable but i am coping with it. no it was not easy but I feel that i have no choice i have to get back home another 200 miles and this i have to do for the next 2 months. sorry got off the subject but getting back I think what she means is other people might help you with your fears but it only enables you...i am not saying its easy because i am thinking hard about going back home.

[LyndaLu]

I have agoraphobia and I have a tendency to feel that my safe place is in my apartment.

I was never agoraphobic until I lost my job three years ago.

I spend so much time alone inside of my apartment.

At least while I was working at a job I was around many, many people each day and I was socializing.

I did not know how much I really needed to be around people until those people were gone.

I understand what Lucinda means about "safe" person, but sometimes even if you understand it it is hard

to put into practice. I feel less comfortable with myself now than I did while I was working.

I am on starting Session Six now. Maybe I will slowly become more comfortable being

my own safe place as I progress in the program.

Lynda

[samcat]

I have kind of a different "take" on this. I have very little emotional support--I am the nurturer in my spousal and sibling relationships. When you need emotional support, it is not there for you, even though you have been putting it out for them all these years. So In session three, she talks about relying on yourself for that emotional support and giving yourself positive self talk. She says if you rely on others for it, that it's hard to do anything. If another person says something bad, then you take it personally. She said we reaffirm how we feel by our negative feelings. So I think she is trying to tell us to rely on ourselves for that positive boost. I don't think she means that we will never get it from others, and if we do, to be grateful for it and believe it. But if we don't, then do it for ourselves, or we are not going to make any progress. One of my doctors told me that I am running on "empty" and it has finally sunken in to me that only I can "fill myself up."

I think all my "giving" and their "taking" has played a part in my anxiety. I am just going to accept them for what they are and work harder at giving myself more support, because when I hope to get support from them, I am disappointed 90% of the time. That is not helpful to me and only makes me angry, which again is a negative.

I think being your "safe" place can mean different things to different people, depending on their circumstances. But I think we need to figure out what we need to make ourselves feel safe and it is probably different things for each of us. Does this make any sense to you?

[tina martin]

This makes perfect sense to me. Thank you for posting it. Some of us are here because we are unable to safeguard ourself. Our boundaries are violated from early on and I'm not sure if that can ever be permanently corrected. We must become our own safe person, as you say, which requires constant work, effort, vigilance, tenacity.

It has taken me a virtual lifetime to understand this. Sometimes I'm optimistic; other times my spirit fails me. I pick myself up and try to never give up.

[samcat]

Tina, I know what you mean by our boundaries being violated from early on--I had a verbally abusive mother, but she learned that behavior from her evil stepmother, so she unwittingly passed it on. I was able to mostly get over that once I understood what happened, but it took me a long time to figure it out and sometimes her mean remarks still echo in my head.

I do believe we can permanently cure ourselves, but as you say, it takes a lot of hard work, effort and tenacity. I know a woman that used to be on this board that did it, so she is my inspiration. We all have our ups and downs--that is part of anxiety and depression. But the key is picking yourself back up like you are doing. Sounds like you are on the right track--good for you!! Keep up the good work and I truly believe it will pay off for you.