R, yes I do write good feed for the recycle bin. My brand of therapy. Thank you for posting.
Don't be worried, dear J: I am not, just realistic. Am in the last stage. There have been signs from the bad genes in my family asserting themselves which I don't want to go on about. I will not go down like my father, mother, brother (on his way). I intend to go my way when I think the game is up. Until then, my fighting spirit is alive and well. You are a sweetheart, J, who has been such a joy from the moment you drifted in to LTT. Don't worry, be strong, as I am. We are fighters. Much love to you..........T
Dear Diary
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Paisleegreen
- Posts: 1778
- Joined: Mon Oct 25, 2010 5:27 pm
Re: Dear Diary
Hi all-I've been keeping busy enjoying the last of the summer heat. DS's GF is now my friend, he broke up with her a while back. So while she is at home, we've been bonding. She was very heartbroken the way he broke up with her, totally unexpected, and done by texting. Anyway, she understands more than anybody my pain with DS and we commisserate together...sort of.. 
We've been doing fun things together and she has taught me what my son hasn't and that is how to operate my computer! More the Internet service that I have on it. I don't have Windows, so this keeps my "fun activities" on the computer at a stand still as I am not a geek. So this wonderful young lady has helped me get my photos on a CD and get them on the computer to share them. Finally, I can see what all photos I have taken in the past two years.
We've had some great fun and good talks. She soon will be leaving for college and I will miss her. We have a couple more days where we will get together. She has in a way forced me to actually learn how to text, eat ice cream again,
have hope, stretch myself. She's going to help me get a choose a new computer that will take a photo card and have Windows on it.
This way I'm not at the mercy of my son's "narcissistic behavior", she calls his behavior that. But we both love him and know that he needs to grow and she wants me to stand up for myself. I caught DH reading my FB email. After I had long gone to sleep and woke up after midnite or so, to see him reading a friend's page. I had suspicions that someone was reading my email, as I would see that I could see a history of my email when I went to my computer and you could press on anything it brings it up. Apparently, I haven't been logging off as I should or things have changed. I thought I just needed to close the tabs and I was done with it.
So now I log off of FB and the Internet, making sure that I am. That's when DS's ex GF told me that I have a right to my "space" and privacy. Fortunately, I'm smart enough to know not to post something on FB that I would regret, but I also don't want other people to read my friends on FB's pages.
I have been feeling a bit "violated" by this incident and then discovering that DH had run over a wagon that belonged to my children. It just brought out all sorts of feelings, and memories of how he isn't careful with "things" and ruins things by carelessness. I felt my feelings, mourned the loss, and then pulled weeds. I see my Psychiatrist tomorrow for a yearly check. I'll discuss my issues with him. All in all, things are getting better, because I am panic attack free now for a year, and anxiety is doing better. I still have overwhelming feelings of depression off and on, and DS's GF knows exactly why.
She knows how DS has talked about me, but doesn't tell me all that she could just as I don't tell her all that I know. We are mutually respectful of the trust DS has in us, but also know that he isn't as sensitive as us females and that we have both been hurt by him. Anyway, things are better in many ways, I have just been spending time enjoying the free summer days and giving my body a workout waterskiing, swimming and biking, less yard work.
One new thing happening, is there is a meeting with my two sister in laws that live close to my father in law and some leaders in their church about their concerns for his welfare. The sisters are still allowing him to drive, and he is definitely showing more diminished brain functioning. So it will be interesting to see what comes of this meeting, whether he gets help in that people drive him to church and activities or if he needs someone to come in to be with him on a daily basis, or have him leave his home.
One way or another, he'll be leaving his home, either by a Coroner or ambulance, I don't think he will go freely. I just would like to see his driving privileges taken away and that he doesn't burn the house down, as it isn't insured due to how old it is or FIL is too stubborn to pay the higher fees to insure it. And still a concern of mine that there are still valuable items in the house if it were to burn down. I thought before I went there this summer that all irreplaceable items had been removed.
I also find out today what my future Grandbaby will be... Yippee! 
Paislee I hope you all had a great Labor Day weekend. 
We've been doing fun things together and she has taught me what my son hasn't and that is how to operate my computer! More the Internet service that I have on it. I don't have Windows, so this keeps my "fun activities" on the computer at a stand still as I am not a geek. So this wonderful young lady has helped me get my photos on a CD and get them on the computer to share them. Finally, I can see what all photos I have taken in the past two years.We've had some great fun and good talks. She soon will be leaving for college and I will miss her. We have a couple more days where we will get together. She has in a way forced me to actually learn how to text, eat ice cream again,
have hope, stretch myself. She's going to help me get a choose a new computer that will take a photo card and have Windows on it. This way I'm not at the mercy of my son's "narcissistic behavior", she calls his behavior that. But we both love him and know that he needs to grow and she wants me to stand up for myself. I caught DH reading my FB email. After I had long gone to sleep and woke up after midnite or so, to see him reading a friend's page. I had suspicions that someone was reading my email, as I would see that I could see a history of my email when I went to my computer and you could press on anything it brings it up. Apparently, I haven't been logging off as I should or things have changed. I thought I just needed to close the tabs and I was done with it.
So now I log off of FB and the Internet, making sure that I am. That's when DS's ex GF told me that I have a right to my "space" and privacy. Fortunately, I'm smart enough to know not to post something on FB that I would regret, but I also don't want other people to read my friends on FB's pages.
I have been feeling a bit "violated" by this incident and then discovering that DH had run over a wagon that belonged to my children. It just brought out all sorts of feelings, and memories of how he isn't careful with "things" and ruins things by carelessness. I felt my feelings, mourned the loss, and then pulled weeds. I see my Psychiatrist tomorrow for a yearly check. I'll discuss my issues with him. All in all, things are getting better, because I am panic attack free now for a year, and anxiety is doing better. I still have overwhelming feelings of depression off and on, and DS's GF knows exactly why.
She knows how DS has talked about me, but doesn't tell me all that she could just as I don't tell her all that I know. We are mutually respectful of the trust DS has in us, but also know that he isn't as sensitive as us females and that we have both been hurt by him. Anyway, things are better in many ways, I have just been spending time enjoying the free summer days and giving my body a workout waterskiing, swimming and biking, less yard work.
One new thing happening, is there is a meeting with my two sister in laws that live close to my father in law and some leaders in their church about their concerns for his welfare. The sisters are still allowing him to drive, and he is definitely showing more diminished brain functioning. So it will be interesting to see what comes of this meeting, whether he gets help in that people drive him to church and activities or if he needs someone to come in to be with him on a daily basis, or have him leave his home.
One way or another, he'll be leaving his home, either by a Coroner or ambulance, I don't think he will go freely. I just would like to see his driving privileges taken away and that he doesn't burn the house down, as it isn't insured due to how old it is or FIL is too stubborn to pay the higher fees to insure it. And still a concern of mine that there are still valuable items in the house if it were to burn down. I thought before I went there this summer that all irreplaceable items had been removed.
I also find out today what my future Grandbaby will be...
Yippee! Paislee I hope you all had a great Labor Day weekend. Re: Dear Diary
Dear Diary,
What a relief to come back here, diary. What a RELIEF to have a safe place to put my thoughts. My DH has been very, very good about respecting my boundaries, (to my knowledge) and has stopped going through my computer and emails. So, I feel very grateful for this.
Ok Diary, I'm just going to let it all out of me. I'm in shock, but I'm in charge. DH consulted a financial advisor about a month ago, and to make a long story short, diary, I insisted on being on the follow up call today. OH MY LORD. I am now in charge of all financial decisions. DH has been keeping his head in the sand and has been in major denial. I have been busy trying to work a midnight shift and sleeping when I can, so I didn't deal with the problem either.
Effective immediately, diary, we are going to have to file for bankruptcy. I see no other way. I told the lady that I want to talk to a bankruptcy attorney ASAP. I know how much money we have in the retirement account now, and how much is in the stock market. Not much. I told DH to get all monies out of the stock market asap. We will lose our home, and file for bankruptcy. I see no other way. BUT, I have a plan in place. First, cancel ALL EXPENDITURES. No more yacht club, no trip to Palm Beach, No more dinners or movies or anything.
I told DH we should move to Florida, near my best friend, and rent a very cheap place. My best friend is already looking for jobs for us. She is a reporter and knows where I can find work, and will help DH find work as well.
I know what our monthly income will be from his pension. VERY LITTLE. But, the good news is, that I finally have all of the hard facts. I told DH that I will handle the finances from now on. He was in tears crying and saying how sorry he was. I told him it's not his fault and let's just move forward. I have many details to put into place, but I need to take charge. I was shocked to see how confused DH was on the phone with the finance lady. Luckily, I understand it all. DH finally admitted that I should have been handling our finances for all of these years. That was validation enough for me.
My worry is my daughter. My youngest daughter. I will want her to move with us because she will have no support system here.
I won't tell her until I am further down the road with my planning, but it is imperative that she come with us. I know her, and she needs us. Trust me diary, not a day goes by when we don't talk or see each other. This will be my biggest hurdle.
We need to move though, because it will give DH an opportunity to reinvent himself and take any job he can get. He's reluctant to do that here. If we move, he said he will work anywhere.
I can't believe that I will be in charge of all of this, but he was relieved to turn it over to me. He's known this for some time, yet still was making plans to go to palm beach in October. ??? That must be called denial.
I'm not in denial. We are bankrupt and must fact the consequences. He has stopped making payments on all of our credit cards. Oh My Lord. Ok, I can do this. I am strong.
Any comments are welcome.
Love,
J.
PS
We have our health. Thank God for that. And all of the kids are healthy. And B. is in recovery 6 months clean on sunday. HUGE.
PPS
Sunday we are expected in NY at a private memorial service and I don't want to go. It is just too HARD for me to go. DH won't go with out me and he wants to go. I'll just handle one day at a time.
Love,
me.
What a relief to come back here, diary. What a RELIEF to have a safe place to put my thoughts. My DH has been very, very good about respecting my boundaries, (to my knowledge) and has stopped going through my computer and emails. So, I feel very grateful for this.
Ok Diary, I'm just going to let it all out of me. I'm in shock, but I'm in charge. DH consulted a financial advisor about a month ago, and to make a long story short, diary, I insisted on being on the follow up call today. OH MY LORD. I am now in charge of all financial decisions. DH has been keeping his head in the sand and has been in major denial. I have been busy trying to work a midnight shift and sleeping when I can, so I didn't deal with the problem either.
Effective immediately, diary, we are going to have to file for bankruptcy. I see no other way. I told the lady that I want to talk to a bankruptcy attorney ASAP. I know how much money we have in the retirement account now, and how much is in the stock market. Not much. I told DH to get all monies out of the stock market asap. We will lose our home, and file for bankruptcy. I see no other way. BUT, I have a plan in place. First, cancel ALL EXPENDITURES. No more yacht club, no trip to Palm Beach, No more dinners or movies or anything.
I told DH we should move to Florida, near my best friend, and rent a very cheap place. My best friend is already looking for jobs for us. She is a reporter and knows where I can find work, and will help DH find work as well.
I know what our monthly income will be from his pension. VERY LITTLE. But, the good news is, that I finally have all of the hard facts. I told DH that I will handle the finances from now on. He was in tears crying and saying how sorry he was. I told him it's not his fault and let's just move forward. I have many details to put into place, but I need to take charge. I was shocked to see how confused DH was on the phone with the finance lady. Luckily, I understand it all. DH finally admitted that I should have been handling our finances for all of these years. That was validation enough for me.
My worry is my daughter. My youngest daughter. I will want her to move with us because she will have no support system here.
I won't tell her until I am further down the road with my planning, but it is imperative that she come with us. I know her, and she needs us. Trust me diary, not a day goes by when we don't talk or see each other. This will be my biggest hurdle.
We need to move though, because it will give DH an opportunity to reinvent himself and take any job he can get. He's reluctant to do that here. If we move, he said he will work anywhere.
I can't believe that I will be in charge of all of this, but he was relieved to turn it over to me. He's known this for some time, yet still was making plans to go to palm beach in October. ??? That must be called denial.
I'm not in denial. We are bankrupt and must fact the consequences. He has stopped making payments on all of our credit cards. Oh My Lord. Ok, I can do this. I am strong.
Any comments are welcome.
Love,
J.
PS
We have our health. Thank God for that. And all of the kids are healthy. And B. is in recovery 6 months clean on sunday. HUGE.
PPS
Sunday we are expected in NY at a private memorial service and I don't want to go. It is just too HARD for me to go. DH won't go with out me and he wants to go. I'll just handle one day at a time.
Love,
me.
Re: Dear Diary
PS
Dear Paislee,
I'm so sorry that I didn't respond to your post. I just can't seem to focus on much right now. I can't even read a book or a magazine, as my thoughts are too busy.
I promise I will come back and respond soon.
Love,
J.
Dear Paislee,
I'm so sorry that I didn't respond to your post. I just can't seem to focus on much right now. I can't even read a book or a magazine, as my thoughts are too busy.
I promise I will come back and respond soon.
Love,
J.
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tina martin
- Posts: 792
- Joined: Sun Nov 14, 2010 9:24 pm
Re: Dear Diary
This is so hard to read. So sorry for your suffering. But you and DH are working together and that's a big thing. B is making headway and daughter J will go with you.
You are the extraordinary pillar of strength physically and mentally. You will all have a new start, a simple life, which is the best life.
You have all my confidence and trust and love. You are marvelous.........T
You are the extraordinary pillar of strength physically and mentally. You will all have a new start, a simple life, which is the best life.
You have all my confidence and trust and love. You are marvelous.........T
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bunny rabbit
- Posts: 66
- Joined: Wed Jun 01, 2011 2:41 pm
Re: Dear Diary
Dear J: Wow!!! What an entry!!! I was going to share my teeny problems until I read yours. My heart goes out to you. Thank you for your honesty, transparency and sharing. It sounds like even with all the responsibility of the finances on your shoulders and having to declare bankruptcy, you are feeling positive about the future, moving to Florida, getting reasonable housing and
grateful your husband is willing to take any job. One day at a time is the only way to get through this I'm sure. We are your cheerleaders J, keep on posting. My prayers are with you, your husband and your daughter. I pray for so much good to come in your lives as a result of this. I pray this will be a fresh start for you all and that your husband will live out the lessons that this trial has taught him. Blessings from Bunny
grateful your husband is willing to take any job. One day at a time is the only way to get through this I'm sure. We are your cheerleaders J, keep on posting. My prayers are with you, your husband and your daughter. I pray for so much good to come in your lives as a result of this. I pray this will be a fresh start for you all and that your husband will live out the lessons that this trial has taught him. Blessings from Bunny
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Paisleegreen
- Posts: 1778
- Joined: Mon Oct 25, 2010 5:27 pm
Re: Dear Diary
Hi J, I thought I posted to your posting, something must have happened to it. I just wish you the best as you go through this next big step. You are a strong woman and you can do it! Paislee
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manofmusic
- Posts: 711
- Joined: Wed Jul 01, 2009 12:07 am
- Location: Canada
Re: Dear Diary
Hello everyone !
Loveslife - WOW. You are going thru so much right now. Believe it or not, you will get thru this too. You will learn a bunch of things from it. Like you said......you can get thru it. You ARE strong.
I'm taking mom thru some retirement homes now. She's been in her house for almost 50 years. She has mixed feeling about moving. She likes to walk around the gardens at home in the summer and she has the best neighbours around, but she knows that she will need care. The way she's looking at it is that she took care of dad for 8 years while he was on oxygen, so now it's her turn to be waited on. I know of no one who deserves it more.
Now for the problem........mom was diagnosed with non-hodgkins lymphoma. She could have a month, 6 months, a year or even more. I'm not psychic ! LOL Anyway......everytime I feel an ache or a pain, I freak out a bit. I know I do a lot of lifting and a lot of work around the house. I know that the pain in the arms, and sides are probably from that, but there's always that nagging doubt. I don't want to get checked because I've been thru enough this year. I've lost a few nights sleep thinking about it. I know that mom is worried about me and I feel really bad about that. She needs to take care of her own health. She believes that eating right, exercising and poositive thinking plays a big part in health for cancer patients. I believe that too. I believe that all of that could add time to one's life as it does in anyone's life. I don't want her to worry about me at all. I want her to focus on her.
I make sure she eats 3 meals a day and I do her laundry, I do the banking, the shopping for her and I make sure she takes her meds. I want her to have the best life possible. (I live a few blocks away from her). We are both looking forward to her going to the retirement home of her choice. There are some beautiful ones here that she likes. One of them is in the same neighbourhood.
As I'm typing this, there's an ache in my upper arm and armpit area...................I lifted stuff today. That's it........
Loveslife - WOW. You are going thru so much right now. Believe it or not, you will get thru this too. You will learn a bunch of things from it. Like you said......you can get thru it. You ARE strong.
I'm taking mom thru some retirement homes now. She's been in her house for almost 50 years. She has mixed feeling about moving. She likes to walk around the gardens at home in the summer and she has the best neighbours around, but she knows that she will need care. The way she's looking at it is that she took care of dad for 8 years while he was on oxygen, so now it's her turn to be waited on. I know of no one who deserves it more.
Now for the problem........mom was diagnosed with non-hodgkins lymphoma. She could have a month, 6 months, a year or even more. I'm not psychic ! LOL Anyway......everytime I feel an ache or a pain, I freak out a bit. I know I do a lot of lifting and a lot of work around the house. I know that the pain in the arms, and sides are probably from that, but there's always that nagging doubt. I don't want to get checked because I've been thru enough this year. I've lost a few nights sleep thinking about it. I know that mom is worried about me and I feel really bad about that. She needs to take care of her own health. She believes that eating right, exercising and poositive thinking plays a big part in health for cancer patients. I believe that too. I believe that all of that could add time to one's life as it does in anyone's life. I don't want her to worry about me at all. I want her to focus on her.
I make sure she eats 3 meals a day and I do her laundry, I do the banking, the shopping for her and I make sure she takes her meds. I want her to have the best life possible. (I live a few blocks away from her). We are both looking forward to her going to the retirement home of her choice. There are some beautiful ones here that she likes. One of them is in the same neighbourhood.
As I'm typing this, there's an ache in my upper arm and armpit area...................I lifted stuff today. That's it........
Re: Dear Diary
Dear Mano,
Thank you for your support. Thank you to all who have shown their support for my situation. I am still waiting to meet with the bankruptcy attorney. We are playing phone tag.
Mano,
You MUST get a physical, with emphasis on your heart. You can be in the best of shape, eat properly, and STILL have a heart attack.
I KNOW you know this. An engineer at the hospital had the exact same symptoms, and he ignored them. Luckily, they arose again when he was at the hospital, and he went to the ER. He was rushed into surgery and had a triple bypass.
You MUST get a physical, for your sake as well as your mother's.
Peace to all.
J.
Thank you for your support. Thank you to all who have shown their support for my situation. I am still waiting to meet with the bankruptcy attorney. We are playing phone tag.
Mano,
You MUST get a physical, with emphasis on your heart. You can be in the best of shape, eat properly, and STILL have a heart attack.
I KNOW you know this. An engineer at the hospital had the exact same symptoms, and he ignored them. Luckily, they arose again when he was at the hospital, and he went to the ER. He was rushed into surgery and had a triple bypass.
You MUST get a physical, for your sake as well as your mother's.
Peace to all.
J.
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Paisleegreen
- Posts: 1778
- Joined: Mon Oct 25, 2010 5:27 pm
Re: Dear Diary
Hi Mano--Good for you and your Mother on looking for a nice retirement home. You are a good and helpful son! I think you probably are just having aches from extra work. I overdo it too and get very sore. I think if I did things more regularly at the GYM I might have less aches that take recovery longer.
I had to take 1/2 of my .5 mg of Xanax the other day. I haven't had any Xanax for months! But my son has been causing me some distress as he has had in the past and it really hurts my feelings. I'm not getting my usual swim/recreation at the waterpark as it is closing for the season. So that doesn't help my anxiety or "happiness" level. Ugh. Also, I've had a young friend keep me occupied as well. Actually, she is my son's ex GF. We've become friends and done activities together and now she is back at college. So I miss her cheerfulness and one that I can talk to as well as she can talk to me.
Anyway, I think I'm feeling the affects of taking that Xanax. Unless it is that I'm not recovered from my frustration with DS. As he has changed up my yard and garden somewhat. Also, had caused me to not get on the internet or FB. He would put a little comment when I went to sign in at these places, as if he were having a practical joke. It is not funny..
when I couldn't get on my main email website and FB where I have some sort of social life. I had to wait until I insisted my husband tell DS to take care of it.
His ex GF helped me to get my photos on the computer and learn how to use it to share with others through email and FB. My son never taught me, and it only took his ex GF (his choice) to help me. She downloaded my photo card on her computer and then made a CD for my computer. My computer won't take a photo card.
So it was frustrating that he would do this "joke" right after I learn how to connect with others and relatives through pictures and I needed practice as my memory isn't good for these type of things at this time in my life right now.
Anyway, there's more...but I'm sort of War Weary...my visit with my Psychiatrist was delayed by 3 weeks. I was already not feeling up to par and then I get DS's shenanigans. Now I'm feeling maybe the withdrawals of the medication, maybe, missing my young friend, missing the close of the waterpark, summer ending, Changes... ugh. P
I had to take 1/2 of my .5 mg of Xanax the other day. I haven't had any Xanax for months! But my son has been causing me some distress as he has had in the past and it really hurts my feelings. I'm not getting my usual swim/recreation at the waterpark as it is closing for the season. So that doesn't help my anxiety or "happiness" level. Ugh. Also, I've had a young friend keep me occupied as well. Actually, she is my son's ex GF. We've become friends and done activities together and now she is back at college. So I miss her cheerfulness and one that I can talk to as well as she can talk to me.
Anyway, I think I'm feeling the affects of taking that Xanax. Unless it is that I'm not recovered from my frustration with DS. As he has changed up my yard and garden somewhat. Also, had caused me to not get on the internet or FB. He would put a little comment when I went to sign in at these places, as if he were having a practical joke. It is not funny..
when I couldn't get on my main email website and FB where I have some sort of social life. I had to wait until I insisted my husband tell DS to take care of it. His ex GF helped me to get my photos on the computer and learn how to use it to share with others through email and FB. My son never taught me, and it only took his ex GF (his choice) to help me. She downloaded my photo card on her computer and then made a CD for my computer. My computer won't take a photo card.
So it was frustrating that he would do this "joke"
right after I learn how to connect with others and relatives through pictures and I needed practice as my memory isn't good for these type of things at this time in my life right now. Anyway, there's more...but I'm sort of War Weary...my visit with my Psychiatrist was delayed by 3 weeks. I was already not feeling up to par and then I get DS's shenanigans. Now I'm feeling maybe the withdrawals of the medication, maybe, missing my young friend, missing the close of the waterpark, summer ending, Changes... ugh. P