Depressed Most of My Life

[brookflower]

I’ll try to keep this short; I could write a book. I have suffered from depression as long as I can remember, but I don't think they diagnosed depression in kids back in the 50's. I've always had low self esteem and a lot of negative thoughts

My father was extremely strict and I got my share of beatings. As a kid I can remember my 4 siblings ganging up on me in the presence of my father. In one particular episode, I remember lying on the floor, with my head in the corner and kicking at the 4 of them as they tried to attack me. It still seems like everyone is against me. I believe that some of my negativity is environmental. My siblings are another story, and we don’t communicate; they took my inheritance. What about a will, they took everything before my mother passed.

My 24 year old son suffers from depression which I probably unintentionally am to blame. However, my grandmother committed suicide by shooting herself in the chest when my dad was 2 or 3 years old (1920’s). So it could be partially hereditary.

I love people, but have difficulty in getting along with them, so I stay in my house a lot. Sometimes, there are days that I never even here my own voice (nobody to talk to and I don’t talk to my self out loud.

I’m not working right now. It is difficult for me to keep a job, since I have a problem getting along with people. I’ll have to go to work soon or I’ll lose my car and house. My last employer cut my insurance benefits. My doctor had me get an EKG just before my insurance expired. The EKG was abnormal, but I haven’t been able to go to a cardiologist due to no insurance and financial situation. I fought for 5 months to get Cobra insurance and then my employer cut my work and I couldn’t afford insurance. I could probably get disability, but my work history isn’t the greatest and I couldn’t live on what I’d get. Also, going on disability would mean that I am giving up on ever getting better.

I can't change the past. Now, I must move beyond all that negativity and become positive and likeable.

I bought the program a few years ago and started it two or three times, however never went beyond session 3. I hope that I can stay on track and complete the program this time. I definitely believe in the concept of cognitive behavioral modification.

[brookflower]

My daughter called me this morning and let me know that she was dropping my granddaughter off for me today. God does move mountains. The little one has a way of making my outlook much brighter. But sometimes i feel like i have all my eggs in one basket. I really don't have much of a life and not quite sure how to get one. I need interests, i need to socialize. I've so isolated myself and I don't go to bars, so I don't even know how to meet people.

[spatrick1964]

I also bought the program 2years ago. It was just after I seperated from my ex-husband. I had panic attacks due to the relationship all the time. Once I was out of that situation, the panic attacks stopped. So the box ended up in the back of my closet. I pulled it out now because I can see that I still suffer from the depression and I was tired of devoting my time to the negative thoughts I start session 3 tomorrow. I know if you hang in there you can get pass session 3:)

[brookflower]

Deep depression is rearing it's ugly head again. I cried a lot yesterday morning. Didn't want my little princess (2 yr old granddaughter) to come to my house; just too depressed. I think i may have gotten my last unemployment compensation check; literally, don't know where my next dollar is coming from. Still don't feel secure enough to look for another job (I'm an RN). Spent a lot of time dwelling on the fact that my 26 yr old son who lives in my undivided duplex doesn't contribute much money or help, however, eats whatever food that I buy. He has destroyed so many things in my house. He has anger and control issues. Broke front door on his side because it was locked and he didn't have a key (long time ago), so you can't even put a new lock in door. Other things broken out of anger include: various size holes (from knuckle to foot size) in numerous walls including bathroom, bathroom door, my bedroom wall and door, my hall, his upstairs room on other side, kitchen on other side, door to my basement broke beyond repair. Also threw and broke my 2 heavy night stands in my bedroom when looking for my 38 to kill himself. On one occasion he flipped a $400.00 oak cocktail table in my living room breaking the top off, my heavy 35 year old dining room table and broke the wood sliders that hold it together in the center (I haven't been able to sit at a table to eat since last spring), broke all the dishes and glasses in the kitchen ( I now eat from paper plates), chipped and dented $600.00 stove that I bought for myself last Christmas, threw the water cooler over and broke it, then came up to my room and put his fist through a picture on my bedroom wall (I went up to my room when he started his fit and actually fell asleep); and demanded my 38 to kill himself. I talked him into the car and took him to my daughter's house and then to the field where she was farming, and insisted that she talk to him. Oh, forgot to tell you that according to him this was all my fault because I pissed him off. I mentioned it to her one time and she said, "didn't you make him mad." A lot of people have made me mad in my life, but if I broke anything (used to when in my 20's), it was something that I owned, not something that belonged to someone else. Thinking about all that crap is enough to make anyone depressed. My oldest son was killed in an auto accident May 24, 1992, my youngest son's birthday is May 22 and he had just turned 7 years old when his brother was killed (they were very close). I've built a very thick wall around myself to avoid ever being hurt again. I avoid letting anyone get close. I'm lonely. My depression has always been worse since my son was killed, I have never been able to enjoy the things that I once enjoyed; photography, swimming, bicycling, etc. People used to think that I was fun to be around; now I'm just dull or numb. I'm sure your wondering why I haven't thrown my youngest son (26 yrs old) out of my house. He suffers from depression and if he killed himself, I don't think that I could go on living. I've just poured out a big part of my soul and I have tears streaming down my face; I cry without making a sound. You probably think I'm nuts.

[brookflower]

Spiraling downhill with no control, how deep is the bottom, will I ever resurface, or is this the last time, I just want it to end one way or another.

[mort55]

I don't have any answers, just questions. Just want you to know that you aren't alone. I am 56 and for the last 6 years I have been just about as low as I can go. Because of this course I have seen that there is hope. I listen to the cds several times a day. Don't give up. Keep listening, keep working in the workbook. Everytime I listen I hear something new. We still have a lot of life left. I am trying very hard to stop living in the past and I don't look to far in the future. I am keeping my mind in the present. Don't shut your family out. Don't stay in the house. Make yourself go outside. The best thing I have done is to start walking at our local park. That has help more than you can know. As I walk I listen to the cds. Give it a try. There are several of us out there.

[DEPS1]

I feel your despair. Please don't give up. Your family was wrong. They did not see you as you are but your granddaughter does - without prejudice or an agenda. She loves you. Keep going through the sessions, even if its 1-3 over and over for a while. You can get better. You can get through this. You have time to recreate your life. (This is what I tell myself too)

[DM613]

Your family was wrong. They did not see you as you are, but your granddaughter is - without prejudice or agenda. She loves you. Continue through the sessions, even if the new 1-3 and again for a while. You can get better. You can get through. You have time to rebuild your life.