Dear Diary

[Paisleegreen]

Hi Bunny, it must be hard to be grieving the loss of these family members, and probably not having them be happy memories. It is hard when someone leaves us and we can straighten out "issues" with them because they are gone. That's how it was to find out my son was gone, and I'm not going to see him come home and discuss his problems. It leaves all concerned in "limbo". There are so many questions to be asked and answers to be heard. So it is hard when we lose someone either to suicide or any death if things haven't been worked out.

That's great that you got all that journaling done. I'm finding now that my hands can't take much handwriting. I don't know if it is my age and/or the anxiety issues or what. But it is truly more painful to write. Part of that could be that due to symptoms in my gut region, taking an Advil bothers my stomach and so I don't get the relief I need. I will discuss this with my Dr when I see him.

Even typing is harder, and of course any hand work. So I'm sure it is the age and stress. Hope you get feeling better, Bunny. Paislee

[bunny rabbit]

Hi Paislee: A friend whose husband died 2 years ago is experiencing tremendous arthritic pain. She couldn't move her hand at all last weekend and ended up at emergency. She says it's due to stress. My teeth have suffered a lot. I have 3 fillings to get done tomorrow for almost $600.00. Ouch!!!!!!!! I couldn't believe the list of problems he said and I floss every night and use an electric toothbrush. The dentist said it was due to stress.

I was doing some "what if" work today in my journal. What if there was no physical death. What if we just kept getting parts replaced and had more surgery and operations to keep going on and on. I have been told that death can be a gift. I am trying to embrace that idea when it comes to the elderly or people with chronic illness. If we never died I can see that our entire health care system would collapse. Only the wealthy could afford to keep functioning well. Euthanasia would be mandatory. With that where would the lines we drawn when our society values youth, productivity, wealth and status. My chosen mom said that as she aged she was treated by family in social gatherings as if she was invisible. My sister who was disabled from birth felt devalued, demoted and diminished in society generally. The Hospice chaplain has taught me the value in the dying process and I feel priviledged in many ways to have gone through such a difficult grief journey and yet learned and gained so much along the way. I am still very raw, sensitive and vulnerable but I know that I am healing a little more each day.

[bunny rabbit]

I walked a mile with Pleasure,
And ne'er a word said she;
But oh, the things I learned from her
When Sorrow walked with me!

Robert Browning

I really like the above and thought you'd all like it too. In my journal today I wrote "Don't fight an undertow. Ride it through. There's no danger as long as you don't fight it. Go with the flow of grief's current."

I made a list of the gifts of my grief - Deep healing due to the depth of my raw emotions, More compassion, New gifts of guitar playing and songwriting, Greater appreciation of life, Greater awareness, Heightened sensitivity, Wisdom, Knowledge, Understanding, Empathy for others, A period of greatest growth in my life thus far, Stronger faith, Closer relationship with my mother and brother, Easing of tension with my mother, No longer in the triangle between my parents -- Yahoo!!!!! Transformed ministry in the Nursing Home, Re-prioritization of values, Wake-up call without the health crisis, Life is simplified, Opportunity to know, accept and love myself, A chance to give myself the acceptance, love, care and nurturing I never got as a child, Permission to let the housework slide for now, Empathy for those who grieve complicated, ambivalent relationships, Empathy for those who lose a parent who was their very best friend.

Perhaps this will bless someone reading this today. I hope so. Blessings from Bunny

[tina martin]

As an atheist the blessings are meaningless to me. Your poem is interesting and the changes you state about yourself are exemplary.

Life is Suffering, so says Buddhism. But we have the power to make it better, as you are doing. Best to you.

[Paisleegreen]

Those are all awesome thoughts, Bunny! I feel and think the same things and I'm glad that you wrote them down so I don't have to.

You have definitely blessed my day, as I believe in all kinds of Blessings.

I know what you are talking about the dental bill, I had my teeth cleaned and they found small cavity where my crown is. It will be $384.00. I remember the root canal or crown use to cost that much! Yikes!

Today while listening to my relaxation CD, which isn't Lucinda's, this one is more Christ oriented and piano music is played in the background as a few other soothing instruments, so it isn't electronically mastered. I was thinking of what I was feeling this morning, sort of overwhelmed with so many things to do, or choices to do with my time. I felt sadness or frustration, but I started to think and realize that is has to be grief, which Tina mentions to me several times. She is very wise.

Anyway, I allow the feelings of grief...what or whom I'm missing. This did help in a way to at least put a finger on my feelings. Then to just go with it...grieve my losses and while I listen to this CD the woman's voice is very reassuring to allow Christ healing powers to heal me and my body. Pretty much positive affirmations along with imagery to help change negative thoughts and thus help with feeling better.

I too, mourn, gradually the changes in my life brought on with age and tragedy. But things are getting better at least for this week, b/c I was able to talk with my husband about my feelings and we are doing better. It doesn't mind going to see the Therapist together as the Dr helps him to understand my feelings. That way he doesn't get so confused, so that was a relief.
Also the things that bother me, or what gives me anxiety we were able to discuss and he isn't going to be hurt if I have someone else fix some household items, meaning, I really need an expert to make repairs than my husband b/c he seems to make things worse.

But I have really been come a long way...since I first started here. I actually can take a shower in a newly tiles bathtub surround that brought on all kinds of anxiety! I don't have to have my cell phone with me, I can take a hot steamy shower and the mist didn't bother me. Many things are getting better...but I am accepting the fact that I am aging and there are things that I'm just not going to be able to do like I use to.

So I'm glad to hear about your friend's injuries were brought by stress. I'm noticing as I've worked on my anxiety or stress my neck doesn't ache as much as it use to and I'm doing more healthy things. I try not to stress over my yard and not over do it so that is helping in keeping the aches and pains down somewhat. I also am allowing myself more time to do things and not do things, so that is eliminating some tightness in my neck and lower back.

So everything you posted has been very helpful. Thanks again. Paislee

[SoWhatif]

J, I surely wish you well as this storm passes. And Be Safe.
Then comes cleaning up the aftermath, I live at the outer perimeter and no worry of flooding, still exscpecting some hi winds.
R

[Loveslife]

Thank you R.
XOXO to all....
Love,
J.

[tina martin]

You need to live farther West. For the time being we're escaping all the madness of hurricanes, floods, extremes of one kind or another, until.......the Super Volcano in Yellowstone erupts.

Miss you J and R. Hope you are well. Am getting old but fight it like mad. Love...........T

PS. Forgot the recent earthquake in an unexpected part of the country. We were in CA for the North Ridge earthquake. Remember waking up to shaking. The whole house shook and a strange lamp kept going on and off. An earthquake is also very noisy for some reason. Wonder if we're sitting on some fighting plates . Take nothing for granted: it is quiet and peaceful here.

PPS. Forgot about tornadoes. See how the brain is going?

[Loveslife]

You Old, Tina?? Never!

I'm busy moving my younger daughter to a different apt. today, as the storm is not due to hit until tomorrow, I believe. I did feel the recent earth quake, and knew at the time that we were having one. It was amazing and strange to feel the force of mother nature.

I have been extremely stressed lately, to the point of almost a breakdown, but luckily I called my psychiatrist. I'm fairly certain it is because my sleep cycle is so disrupted, but also because I ultimately never "went" for the other job, the part time job in development, because I was told that I would be tested on excel. I am not very fluent on excel yet, so I have signed up for an adult ed course, so I can gain the skills needed in case I ever get another chance at bat.

I will be working the midnight shift tomorrow, at the peak of the storm, so wish me luck. (when I wondered out loud to my boss how I would get to work if the hurricane was in full force, she told me it wasn't going to be anything. Just a little wind) This also made me a little crazy, as BS is not part of my job. Or having to listen to it. I told her that if it looked like the peak would be at 11;55pm, when I would be driving to work, I would come in earlier instead. So, I solved my own problem, no thanks to my boss. This also contributed to my meltdown.

So, I've been in a fairly lousy mood, and it bothers me, as I don't like to be in lousy moods. Sorry, I'm rambling.
What else....our finances!!! DH is not paying any cc bills, as he was told by financial counselors to stop paying them so that we could consolidate our debt and work out an agreement. However, the financial counsellors are not returning his calls, and creditors are calling night and day. It seems we are living off of my $10.14 per hour and what I'm selling on ebay. I need to find a higher paying job, and I need DH to start looking for work. Sigh.............Sigh again.
XOXO
J.

[tina martin]

Dear J, what can I say to cheer you? These are each big problems. One thing at a time.

1. DH must look for work and deal with economics. Appeal to his ego. The Donald says: if you retire you expire. It is also a theme I sing around here. Smile.
2. Excellent to take excel. You are a superb student.
3. Helping and loving daughter. What is better? Not much I can think of except loving yourself.
4. Solving your own problems is the next best thing to helping darling daughter.
5. Moods come and go like hurricanes. They are followed by sunshine.

Love you..............T