I woke up to some horrible dreams! Help!

[Paisleegreen]

I can't believe it, I wrote a long post and it is gone!

[Paisleegreen]

Thanks to all of you! R, Yes, I'm distracting myself by bikeriding, and now I've been online for hours on end reading about my hometown. FB page on How we remember our Town...if you know what I mean. So this is bringing up so many memories which makes me happy and sad. I've become friends with a few people that want to add me as a "friend". I don't know how we can be, we all are out of state now.

It is just another reminder of Changes...things I dislike....I've had too many changes and losses. The bike riding is a good thing because it builds muscle and gives me aerobic exercise. I can do it with my Grandchildren as I also go to the water park with them. Bike riding gives me options with older or younger adults for comaderie and fun. DH is a workaholic, he is so busy and we have no interest together in the way of common recreation/exercise. We do have the same faith and that is a solid foundation.

It is really my loneliness and feeling of being overwhelmed by all the things I need to do to either make myself happy or my adult children and the 20 year old that still lives at home and tries to run the place. He is trying to find his own happiness, but having been so isolated in an all boys school and tech world, he lacks common social interaction that is give and take, instead of spouting off "information".

I am doing better with standing up for myself, telling him not to yell at me when we are having a discussion about who keeps turning the A/C down or off. He jokingly said that "someone" keeps messing with the A/C. I confronted him by asking him what he means, he had an angry accusatory tone and says that I turn the A/C up and also off. I explained to him while we're outside in the heat and he was preparing to go camping or something, that I will turn the A/C to 74, 75, or even 76 if it is too cold, but I would never turn it off, because (that would be dumb) he has Internet Server's that need the cool air and I've heard his complaints to DH about me and how he gets hot during the night or something.

So things calmed down with the understanding that I will mess with the A/C because I'm Menopausal, but I would never turn it off. So even if this was straightened out...it is his attitude that gets me. He has no right to talk to me like that and he is learning it from his DH.

I know they are tired, they sleep odd hours, and they have me as a dead weight. DS started to get on a soap box about why everyone else has to suffer b/c I have to have things my way! So I can tell that this is a gossip that goes on with DS, DH, DD, when all I'm trying to do is Survive! I have a broken heart...I fight depression...anxiety...body symptoms...and they have no clue.

My married children are more understanding...but the others have their own agendas. And they all complain about each other.

THH-Thanks for all your advice and understanding about AD's and HRT. I wrestle about seeing my DRs, I will probably get the same O' Same O'. Paid good $ for nothing new.

R- I read more of your Posting about the languages...I'll read it over again. I am just in a state where I can't bear anymore sighs, or looks from DH or tone of voice. He did state that he would have used the Rug Dr on my carpets, but didn't get around to it and so he says that I would probably have gotten mad about something. So he always adds this negative thing about me after he says something he wanted to do that was a nice thought.

I would still prefer he would just ask me what he could do to help me feel better. I plan on making a list, which scares me, such as fix the back gate so it can be used, have DS move a big box of truck brakes from my front step, (been there for weeks on end), go to a Dr about his snoring or just get a check up,

Some things just won't get done in the near future. It would take some money or time or help from other sons and people.

I'm just going to work on doing what I can to clear up my house and yard. These things would make "them" happy. And it is very difficult for me to do get rid of things. So if I can work on these projects the best I can, and if they still complain then I can say, "Hey, I did this and you're still complaining" then we'll go on from there. It is only hard to do because I feel so alone in my efforts and not comfortable in my own house.

Then again...as I rid myself of unneeded stuff, I might just feel better and their opinions won't bother me and I will be able to stand taller take back some control in my own house.

Thanks Tina--I will work on my journals and ignore comments from the "peanut gallery". My children wouldn't bother me so much if one of them didn't feel so much entitlement and live in my space. He hasn't sacrificed for what he has materially, he doesn't know what price we've paid so that he can be comfortable. Frustrating.

Redbud--Thank you for your kind and encouraging words. I still need to reread this as I have been distracting myself as R suspects. Plus I haven't been feeling well, not sure if I ate something bad at the water park or not, or its nerves. I went off of meds in a two year span of time while I was in counseling and using Dr David Burns 10 Steps to Self Esteem, I had some dramatic things happen to some of my children during that time so it changed a lot of family dynamics. Then Menopause really kicked in and financial problems showed up due to dishonest employees. We are also helping a widow and that has turned everything upside down in our household. All kinds of changes in places where we stored things and our business computers and offices, not to mention emotional, financial and physical drain.

We've helped many people, but sometimes it takes a toll on us, that we can't foresee into the future. So many of my plans have been put on the back burner as well as my adult children's so it is hard.

I was able to enjoy myself on this last trip...I'll report more about it. It really gave me some joy and self-esteem building. Now I need to stop being too distracted by stuff on FB and work on Baby Steps getting rid of stuff. I just need to keep on working the program, do what I can do to help myself and take Baby Steps. Paislee

[Paisleegreen]

I found it! Whew!