I'm a Cop, but I can't even help myself........

[KBGamer]

Ok I am going to try this forum out. I am on session two, but am having a hard time this week.

A little about me. I have been a police officer for 17 years(today was my hire anniversary). I have really struggled at work for about the last 6 years. Depression seems to rule my life....here I am a big 6ft 240 lbs cop who will cry at the drop of a hat. My wife is perplexed by my self doubt/depression/negative thought process, but she loves me. She bought this program for me, but when I saw it I got mad and it sat unopened in my closet for well over two years. Two weeks ago I finally had enough and I started the program.

The problem this week(and really for the last couple of weeks) is I get these thoughts popping into my head. Thoughts of my mother who passed away in 2008, or of a fellow who died where I work unexpectedly a month ago at age 31, or of our family's mountain of bills that never seems to get smaller, etc etc etc and I lose it. I try the breathing technique, and I try postive self talk, but I revert right back to the insanity inside my head after a very short time. I am my own worst enemy. Even while listening to the relaxation CD my brain won't let me relax, please tell me this gets better........

[THH]

Congratulations on starting the program! It will get better and you will feel so much better by learning what the program teaches.

Thanks for protecting as well. Do the program like it says, and post, read on the forms and know you are not alone!

It will get better!

[Mrs. W]

I understand how you feel. I wake up in the morning with the thoughts already racing in my head before I even open my eyes. Heart palpataions, etc. I also practice the breathing techniques and relaxation tape. This morning I had trouble relaxing to it too. Good news is, I listen to the success stories from people who used to sound like you and I and I have faith. You'll be ok!

[Mrs. W]

Sorry, it's Mrs. W again. I couldn't just leave it at "you'll be ok!" I can relate to you, so hearing people say that just feels like they don't really understand. I do! When I get those thoughts in my head, I start praying. I don't know what your faith is, but I can tell you that it helps and relaxes me more than any relaxation tape and gets my mind on more positive thoughts. I start by asking God to forgive me of my sins and to heal me and take all of my worries and fears away. Then I start thanking him for all of the positive things in my life and praying for the people I love. It gets my mind off of me and puts my focus on others and makes me feel like I did something good for those people I love. But most importantly, I pray for healing and faith. I feel better after I pray and I'm alot calmer.

[SoHopeful]

Thanks so much for your candid sharing. I, like you, am into my 2nd session and am still struggling tremendously. I'm not sure how long you have lived w/ anxiety and depression, but I myself have endured it since my early childhood and I am now 51 years old. I had my first extensive panic attack when I was 33 and my 2nd @ 36 when my husband left me for someone else. After my 2nd attack (like the CD explains) I just simply became afraid of having them and therefore enduced the attacks which started to come quite regularly. I had two young sons, and I became agoraphobic and severely depressed. I started seeing a psychiatrist 2 or 3 times a week and took antidepressants and Xanax on & off for the next 15 years.

I have had months and even years in between where the symptoms were dormant, but I am now in back to "square root one" when I was 36. Talk about frustrating and disappointing!! I have been so severly depressed over the past 2 months - thinking that life was simply not worth living like this. I saw the infomercial a couple of weeks ago (not being able to sleep well) and figured I had nothing to lose. I am so grateful that I am starting to believe that there is a chance of having a non-fearful & happy life.

Here's my take on this opportunity (for what it's worth). I have come to understand that the only cure for what we have (and I mean CURE - so it doesn't reoccur), is to learn to think differently. And, as I said in my 2nd sentence, I am struggling to believe. However, I know by things I have accomplished in the past and others have accomplished as well, that patience and repetition is "the key" - practicing over and over, learning what I need know to overcome these dabilitating emotions. I figure - it took me 51 years to develop this way of thinking - so if it takes me 3 months or six months to correct it, I'll accept that time and consider it a great hope for a new way of living.

One thing I cannot deny is that I feel a little better today than I did 2 weeks ago. More hopeful - a little happier - a little more energy - and am actually practicing changing my negative thoughts to positive ones. I'm betting that if I check in again in 2 more weeks, I will be able to say it has gotten even better. I assume that's progress - a few steps in the right direction.

[KBGamer]

Thanks for the kind replies guys! I had a bit of a "tiff" with my wife yesterday, over something that I know now, was very trivial. I let myself get so worked up it ruined my whole day, and I ended up with a tremedous headache. I am doing better today, my wife treated my like nothing happened, she amazes me with her carefree ways. She rarely gets worked up about things, thank God for her.

SoHopeful, I also had long periods where my symptoms were.....less pronounced, I won't say dormant. I have always had alot of self doubt, anxiety, and depression. Even when I would get good evaluations or awards at work, I would not see myself as they saw me. If thing were going well, I swear, I would find things to stress about. I don't understand why, but I want to begin the difficult process of changing my thinking. Yesterday I felt like I was getting worse, intead of better, but typing this seems to help.

Mrs. W I will start to try prayer, thank you. I found a video by a fellow and his technique seems to help me:

http://www.youtube.com/results?search_q ... +mind&aq=f

I'm totally not into psychic readings, but I like this video, and I try to tell myself to "Heal my Mind" as I do Lucinda's breathing technique. The trouble is doing it. I get so down I don't feel like doing anything....

Yesterday I will admit I was so upset that I actually prayed to God to take me home, I would never harm myself or anyone else. I justed wanted God to let me die so I could be with my Mom, I miss her so badly. I sometimes feel like I don't belong here on Earth..

Well no more rambling, thank you for letting me vent. I AM doing better today, and will keep in touch.

[shandy]

I am now 62 years old now and have experienced the same feelings of self doubt an anxiety pretty much all my life! What always seems to help is a vigorous workout to get the blood and sweat flowing.At night if i cant sleep i might go for a 20 minute fast pace jog (the neighbours must think i am crazy but who cares) then i do 20 push ups and situps - this seems to centre me and put things back into perspective and control the erratic thoughts. The program is helping me realize that there are many people who have similar thoughts and phobias as i do and one doesnt feel so alone. Good luck i know there is a light at the end of the tunnel for all of us.

[KBGamer]

Hi Shandy,I got a pedometer and been walking alot more, it really helps!

I started session three so I'm off, thanks guys!!