Thanks to you, I'm able to vent here. You are the Sweetie Pie here!
Thanks to your diary and the dear people that post to it, is what makes it work. We can just post our feelings...and hopefully, someone that understands will post back a cheery word or acknowledgement. Thanks to you, we who have followed Lucinda's Program can come here and just post what is in our heart. Sometimes, we just need to express ourselves and not be discussing the Program. We have history here, we know eachother's story a wee bit. I have noone else to talk to that I feel safe with...you all understand. I'm limiting my visits with my Psychologist, he doesn't know that yet, b/c it is costing money, and I have dentist bills to pay now and sometimes DH gets so upset and you can't get the whole story out in 55 minutes.
I'm realizing that DH is not going to change much...he has expressed being a bit depressed...and we talked about it. He thinks part of it is due to his age...but part of it is that I'm not the same person. I've eased up on some of my expectations, and just accept that DH is going to do things that bother me. It is his nature to be impulsive, to do things that "ruin" material things, such as carpet, bathtubs, furniture, walls, stain clothes, leave a mess, be like his Dad, ( which is a scary thought!
) I am working on adjusting to that fact. So I have a lot of grieving to do...I listen to a great relaxation CD that gets me weeping...and then I feel great afterwards. And Tina is right...I probably do have a lot of grieving over my late son...I miss him so much, but know he is in a better place. I've been on antidepressants for at least 10 years, and 8 of those years was without this son. So of course I'm going to really feel the loss of this boy. I'm going to feel anxious about so many things.
But I'm doing better...and I'm so sore from cleaning out a koi pond that hasn't been cleaned for over a year. It was a stinky mess and was bothering me. The fish that were in this pond died two years ago, after my dog had to be put to sleep. I had cleaned it last spring and after my first panic attack, it went by the wayside as everything else in my yard did.
So this was a triumph to clean out this pond and I forced myself to keep going because it felt so good to have a fresh and clean pond. But I'm not as young as I use to be and my muscles just ached afterwards. So that is what has kept me away from the computer, is I've been working on my garden that has been neglected.
Okay, I'm probably rambling as I feel a bit tired, I think I have allergies as well that are bothering me. Because I also worked on cutting back some weeds after I worked on the pond. So trying to please myself and others is hard. I would work on parts of the house so that others would be happy, but they don't say anything. I have to keep realizing that my husband was lacking in that department when I first married him as well and he isn't going to change. He shows he cares, but verbal "cudos" he has difficulty with.
Anyway, we will have to just keep plugging away at this self confidence thing. I'm doing much better...I do a lot of pouring out my soul to Heaven, then I feel peace and decide what will make me feel better and get up and do it. And I'm working on not overdoing what makes me feel better!
Paislee 
I'm sorry for your losses...it is so hard to acknowledge them...yet so hard to suppress them in the back of our minds. They just bubble up when we least expect them...let the tears flow if you can.