Stressed!

[phoenixrising2882]

Hi, I am 28 and a mother of three, divorced and recently engaged. I just ordered this program and am praying that it works for me. I think that I have always had anxiety problems because I had many panic attacks when I was younger that went undiagnosed. I have been through many things but overall I've had a good life and have tried to remain positive. When I was 17 my mother was diagnosed with Bipolar/Schizophrenia. I was later told that I would need to be on meds myself but I declined because I felt that I could overcome and I have for the last 11 years. However, I divorced from my highschool sweetheart 2 years ago who was an alcoholic that spent the 8 years of my marriage telling me I would end up like my mom while he cheated behind my back and left me to work 2 jobs and raise our children. Well I'm proud to say that I overcame the abuse, got my own house and left. Then God sent me someone I had known a decade before and he noticed that I was very jaundice. After many past physicals that had shown nothing, all of a sudden I was finding out I had a blood disorder that was amplified by stress. I had one surgery and then afterwards I lost my jobs from taking too much time off for appointments and then my very best friend of 23 years passed before her 29th birthday of congenital heart failure. She had three children the ages of my own and it was the last straw that caused me to stress to the point that my spleen enlarged and I had yet another major surgery. More happened in the following time but lately I have gone back to having anxiety attacks again. Fortunately I have a very supportive man in my life but I feel awful at what he's had to go through. He has taken in my children and stood by my side and I feel like such a burden all the time. I used to be the bread winner and I took care of everything. I'm not used to being taken care of. Also another issue is that I have lost my sex drive. I lost it during my previous marriage and have been unable to get it back. I really think its mental. I also have issues with getting overly frustrated with my children. Sometimes I imagine smacking them when I get very upset which upsets me more because anyone who knows me knows that I would die for my children. They are everything to me and I love every inch of them. I am so tired of not having the energy to do anything and going back to college isn't giving me any added time. When I last talked to my best friend she told me that she was tired. Two weeks later she died. I'm so scared that I'm getting tired, too tired to go on, but then I think of her and I know that I'm all my godchildren have left and I can't leave them, my children and my family. They are the reason that I fight this everyday. However, I'm really tired of feeling like I can't breathe, feeling down and tired, feeling like a burden and feeling like Ive gone from someone who could do it all to someone who is just taking up space. I am looking forward to trying this program and I hope that if there are other people who can relate with me that they will reach out as I will do for others as well. I think it will help to know that I'm not crazy and most important of all, that i'm not alone.

[Paisleegreen]

Gosh, Phoenix, you have gone through a lot. I've been through some trials myself, but different ones. But as much as I am working on not going back on antidepressants, I'm thinking that maybe you should talk to your Dr about that. You have a lot on your shoulders to carry. When I hit a deep depression where I couldn't get out of bed and had already had my 5 children, and was running a small business out of my home, and was under financial and emotional stress. That is when I prayed for help because I felt like I wanted to die, but didn't want to leave my husband nor children.

I saw a Dr who found nothing wrong with me physically and then asked me what was going on at home. I burst into tears.
He asked me if I knew any Psychiatrist or Counselors, I told him that I did as I had worked with them at one time. I was on meds for a few years and was told that I would need them my entire life. Now so far that isn't true, but I've only weaned off of them in a process of a 1 1/2 years time and I've experienced more stress, but different. As my children are older and we're okay financially. I'm just older and body chemistry is changing as well as body energy, etc.

I'm just telling you that, I'm working the program and I'm doing okay, but some days I wish to be on an antidepressant, but I stay away due to the side effects and I don't have children depending on me nor have the health problems you are going through.
But I'm here to support you, either way. Paislee

[phoenixrising2882]

Paislee,
Thank you so much for your feedback. I have always been the one to hold everything together. Everyone has always said "if any one can do it, Tasha can." It's a heavy load to bear so when I'm the one who needs help it's hard to go to anyone and ask. Today I had a family meeting to let my parents, sister and fiancee know how much I have been struggling lately. I thought that they would be disappointed but my father said he had no reason to be and they would help me through this. I am so blessed but I know that this is only the beginning. I see what you are saying and although I don't want to be on medication, I feel that this may be a good time if any. My children are ages 7, 4, and 2. They gone through enough with my recent divorce and they need me now more than ever. My only fear is that my ex will find out and try to use it against me. However I try not to worry too much because the judge gave me full custody for a reason and my ex's actions in the last 2 years prove that he is highly unstable. Anyway I have had just one road block and that is lack of insurance. When I lost my job I lost the insurance and now that it is documented that I have a blood disorder (even though I've had it since birth without knowing it) my insurance costs more than I can afford. The light at the end of the tunnel is that my fiancee is about to join the military so I will be covered through them. I hope they don't think I'm a whack job because I literally have a list of stuff to tell them about! lol Until that time though I will work with the program and hope to be able to share with you and others for support. Like you, I have opened a business myself and it is slow going so finances are super tight. You give me hope that although there will be different stresses, I know that things may be easier to cope with once my children have grown some more and our finances improve. I'll be finished with my degree within the next year so despite my anxiety and depression I still remain optimistic that I can and will overcome this as well.... except this time I wont be afraid to ask for help. Thanks

[Paisleegreen]

Hi Phoenix, I'm glad that you are taking care of yourself. I think that you should not worry about being on anti-depressants. There is nothing wrong with getting some help. You aren't a drug addict and with your blood disorder and family dynamics there is nothing wrong with getting some help.

There should not be any reason why your children's father should be able to get custody, just because you are taking care of yourself so that you can care for your children. Looks like you are a very productive person, going to college, starting a business and weathering an illness that you had since birth but didn't know about.

We are self-employed and right now we don't have health insurance, I pay my Drs upfront when I go in for Counseling or for Medical Services as well as the Dentist. We have to come up with unemployment insurance, business insurance, licensing fees, fuel cost, etc. Our health insurance increased and we are looking at what is the best option as now we have my married son working for us, and two other adult children. We're getting older, my husband and I, so it is a concern. But the insurance we had didn't cover much except for catastrophic and a large deductible. But from what we understand this is happening all around the nation.

Usually for Antidepressants, you can get them cheaper if they are not the name brand. So its up to you as to how things work out for you if you need them. Paislee