Dear Diary

[tina martin]

As always, J, you are so kind and sweet. Thank you. If I were to describe all he suffers even with depression, that is the least of it, really. His mind is starting to go, in and out. On "in" days I have said I will try and fly out and be with him and help him. He never rejects my suggestion. I don't care if I go to jail. But right now I have nothing to bring. I'd need one of those capsules (he'd take it himself) they give out in "On the Beach." He has suffered so, so much.

BTW, I think it's great that Julie is doing what she wants. She is so capable and responsible. And you, J, seem to be ready to do what you want. Love...........T

[Loveslife]

Dear Diary (and Tina and others)
Thank you Tina for your lovely comments about Julie. Yes, she is strong and a hard worker and I am quite proud of her, even though I'm annoyed with her at the moment. (she will have me wrapped around her finger by the end of the day, so no worries)

Diary, I have just figured something monumental (and scary) out about myself.

I just made a few comments on the fox news website on Dr. K's blog. It seems from the other comments that I am the only one fascinated in the psychology behind Casey Anthony. I just keep staring at her hoping to gain a clue about why she is such a cold blooded killer, as I believe her to be.

Anyway, I googled Sociopath and posted the definition. (somehow it posted twice which is quite embarrassing on a national forum, even though I am anonymous)

Anyway again, Diary, I read the definition of a sociopath over and over again. HELLO. I've known real sociopaths in my life, and that is what really scared me when I was reading the definition. They are out there. Sociopaths are out there in society and they look ordinary. They can blend in.

I'm signing off the computer now because I am freaking myself out.

Love,
Me.

[Paisleegreen]

J, first comment on your last comment...I too am fascinated about the Casey Anthony case. Also, learning more about Sociopaths as my DH always points that out to some people we have known that have taken advantage of us. Mainly one person in general that had a good upbringing, but seems to feel no feeling or remorse or recognition of his actions. It is very disturbing indeed.

Next, so glad to hear more about your trip to Florida! I'm glad you helped you friend and I miss my friends from childhood. Out of the blue I got a call from a dear one since Kindergarten, it was so good to hear from her as she keeps herself busy and privacy is protected using a P.O.BOX. But is came after a years of silence except for a few cards here and there. Long story as to how we stopped emailing eachother. But one that I will share later as it does affect me, and then you can imagine why my joy was great when she called me.

So we both have had some fun in the sun! I love to be in the water and with people. Most people are fun to be with when they are actively doing something in the sunshine and in water. That is part of my childhood and growing up years...are pools and oceans, my favorite memories of fun with family and friends.

I like what R had to say about your having fun in Florida with your friend and away from DH. Tina is right, our lives seem to be more enjoyable when we can have a break from the stresses in life or stressors.

Tina--I can understand how J would agree with your brother's feelings or actions, since she experienced medical staff telling her she had Alzheimer's. That would be depressing indeed and there are days I don't want to get up and shower or eat.
I think the worst was when my son died, and before that my first bout of deep depression before I got help from meds years ago.

I'm like you, I worry about getting older as well. Right now my body aches, now that I'm free of anti-depressants and I'm aging. I really am doing a lot of thinking about life changes on activities I probably can't manage anymore without pain.
This is the rude awakening I'm experiencing going through Menopause and going without Anti-depressants, is feeling a lot of pain.

I'm trying to stay drug free...the best I can to stay away from side effects. I'm also picking and choosing when to see a Dr because we don't have health insurance and to discuss with my former Psychiatrist meds or my family Dr about my pain, I just feel that I will be wasting my money. They will probably tell me things that I've already heard before. Plus why spend my free summer days at the Dr's office, when I can be enjoying myself at the water park or elsewhere.

I just have to let go of some of my expectations, work on positive self-talk and have hope for the future. I've just been spoiled by having a healthy body all my life with hardly any physical pain and now its my turn. This is what people go through and I'll work on being patient.

Thanks for being here all of you! You are a real help. Paislee

[manofmusic]

What an interesting thread this is. It makes for a great read ! Keep it going !

Mom went to the hospital on Friday for tests. She kept putting her health off because she had to look after dad. Mom started getting short of breath. She thought it was all stress related. Long story short....she has a family history of heart trouble on her mom's side of the family. Turns out mom has a congestive heart thing. The doc said today that it's all treatable with meds. Mom's oxygen levels are back up to where they should be ! Finally some good news ! It's like I've been spending 2011 walking on eggshells. That causes a great deal of stress for me. I'm redoing the program again. I think I need it.

Hope everyone is doing good today !

[Paisleegreen]

Hi Mano! Its great hearing from you. I'm so glad to hear the good news about your mother. That must be a big relief to you.
Yep, 2011 hasn't been the best year for you so far, but hopefully we can get that changed around. I keep working the program as well, I have to if I'm going to keep from being anxious or depressed.

One thing that I found out today that R, T, and J know about is that my sister and her husband who were coming to visit with their handicapped DD won't be able to. So that gives me some relief from some stress of getting some guest rooms ready for them. I might be able to visit them later in another state, if I want to take that trip. Just their extra travel plans to see me and my brother are changed.

So I am relieved...it was just becoming quite stressful to worry about getting one of my bedrooms, a hobby/scraproom ready for my niece. I wouid have to really clear it out and I just don't have the energy for it right now. Nor support from the men folk that live with. That would be my husband and young adult son. Plus it is summer time and I want to enjoy some summer fun.
So life goes on...with a little bit less anxiety. Paislee

[Loveslife]

Hi Paislee and a big, giant welcome to Mano!!

Paislee, you are amazing. You have a real joie de vivre for life. (no, I am not fluent in french. Google is my friend)
Paislee, I think that by continuing to do all of the things (or some of the things) we did when we were younger really helps us to stay young in spirit.

For instance, I was doing handstands in the pool and somersaults, back somersaults and flipturns, etc. I told my friend that we were "playing" in the pool and ocean, just like we did when we were children. It just was so much fun.

Paislee, I'm glad that you were relieved from not having your guests arrive as you do need a relief from stress. Also, I think meds are very useful, and I'm not ashamed to say that I do take an AD, and I don't know where I would be without it.

Mano, wow. Stress from worrying about a loved one is right up there with the top of the stresses, so I'm glad that you at least have some answers. Congestive heart disease is a life long battle. I too have a weak heart and I have to listen to my body. I stay out of the heat and humidity and keep very hydrated, watch my sodium intake, and try to stay in shape. My biggest suggestion this time of the year is to make sure your mom doesn't get overheated and stays cool. Getting out of breath easily is so embarrassing, at least for me. It is a warning sign that her body is giving her, so do keep an eye on her. (armchair advise)

Ok, I am finally going to ask,..What are the steps I should be working? I know there is a program here, but I have no idea what it is. (said with complete and utter humiliation and embarrassment)

Lastly, my daughter just called and wants to go out to lunch, as she hasn't seen me in a few weeks. I don't want to go. I want to go to the pool and read my book. (she wants to drive to the outlets and have lunch) I feel so selfish for telling her "not today" Oh well.

Love to all.

[Paisleegreen]

Hi J! Thanks for the "Kudos"! Yes, I am relieved...whew. I do have an opportunity to stay in a condo for a week up in the mountains near a famous lake and it has a pool right out the sliding glass door and a jetted hot tub. Then since it is a resort town and there are fun places to just walk to or ride my bike. Also a famous national park with beautiful hiking trails, sandy beach on the lake and cliffs to overlook the lake.

Also TV that's gets more than mine, as we don't get cable so, it is fun to see USA channels and American History and other stuff like that. The hardest part though is that I have not been there since my son's death and he was such a great part of our visits there. As well as my other two sons that are now married or a single young adult.

DH never came up for these weeks stays except for a couple days and this was when his snoring wasn't bad nor bothered me. So I don't know what will happen this time. We have a speed boat available now and I would like the "boys" to bring it up so that I can tour the lake. I don't think I've ever been in this lake on a speed boat of any kind, just air mattresses that I floated not too far from shore.

My DD would probably come up as well, as my Grandchildren or I could take one with me. It all depends on how much responsibility do I want to carry. It was great with my sons, when they were younger as I had all my 5 children there at other times and we all looked out for eachother and I had "ENERGY" to do things with all of them. As well as they helped with packing, etc. So this would be different...and part of it brings anxiety.

But I definitely want to take advantage of this offer from a relative, even if I am the only one there for a week. There are a people I could visit, and I'm good at socializing with anyone that is at the pool or the lake.

I guess the balance is, how much company "family" members show up or how little is the question. I'm still going to do it and just see what happens. If DH comes and he snores, I'll just have to find another spot to sleep that night, the best I can. He mainly always has work to do. Where DS has his pick up truck he has been taking up in the mountains, so this is a perfect situation for him to show off to his friends, go four wheeling, and go to a natural Hot Springs, or use the condo's pool and hot tub.

We'll see what happens. My husband seems hesitant in some way, so I don't know if he not telling me the whole truth. As I'm wondering if we are suppose to pay for the maintenance fees or if this is a totally free deal. He is just tired...he is overworked and stressed since we got rid of two employees.

So this opportunity is a great way to "play" and enjoy the clean mountain air with a bunch of tourists. I love it! Sort of a Florida experience but on a much smaller scale. P.

[manofmusic]

Mom had her tests done at the hospital today. It turns out that her heart and her lungs are in good shape ! No congestive heart failure. I feel like a huge weight is off my shoulders. She goes home tomorrow. She said that the only bad thing is that she has to do the cooking again ! LOL

[Loveslife]

Yay Mano. That is GREAT news. Thank you for sharing.

Paislee, your cabin on the lake sounds amazing. I hope you are able to go and spend time alone. To me, that sounds divine.

Peace and love to all. I have another midnight shift tonight, so wish me luck..

[jiadongpeng]

First of all, I introduce yourself that Jesse, today I just joined here, I was just a working person,

do not have what experience, hope can and everybody mutual communication, give me some Suggestions,

thank you





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