major anxiety with being assertive with certain people

[Paisleegreen]

Hi Nerveball-- I like what you said about not reading people too much because we can project some of our negative feelings onto someone else when they aren't really there. You are so right!

I'm going to make that my Mantra, LOL! I've got to remember that as I listen to my adult children. They have their own troubles, I'm just the Mother, so they are going to be emptying their full buckets into mine.

I can't really expect them to boost me up, when they are still trying to figure out what is dragging them down. I just have to work on myself. Take Babysteps...one step at a time!
Thanks, Nerveball! Paislee

[nerveball]

Hi Paislee. Do you do any fun things just for you? I may be wrong but you seem to me like you spend a lot of time caring for and worrying about others but not as much on yourself. I tried so hard sometimes to do things according to what others think is right or what's best to do for me. I am just realizing now that I have been living my whole life for anybody else but me. My children didn't get the best upbringing because I was a mess. But they are grown now and I can't change the past. None of them actually committed suicide and I do feel for you, but it crossed their mind more than once I'm sure. I felt so guilty about the damage I did to them ever since I got sober and had to face life. I didn't face it very well either. But I'm still here and they are too. You are still here and your remaining children are here. The best thing that we can give our adult children now I think is an example of a good loving kind and caring human being who still enjoys life inspite of her many mistakes in the past. Being forever guilty for them and forever trying to make up for them does not make them go away. Nothing will make them go away, so you just accept them and keep on going. Knowing what you know now, you wouldn't make the same mistakes again would you? I don't know what possessed me to write this but I hope I did not offend you. I am working on trying to do something fun for me. It's not easy cause I'm not used to it. But it feels kind of good. Some people I know are shocked like why are you doing this, you don't do this kind of thing. But it's what I want to do and it makes me happy and so I'm going for it. This is the best Christmas I have ever had and I'm not even getting any presents. My mind is not on how terrible I am and was but on hey I can have a great holiday. I hope you are having a great one too.

[Paisleegreen]

Hi Nerveball, I wonder if I ever answered this question, as your posting was put on twice. Are you even around Nerveball?
Let us know! Paislee

[Gigi123]

Boy can I relate! I think when it comes down to it, we're scared of being assertive with people who are close to us because we're scared of losing them. It's the fear of "if I'm too assertive I'm going to drive them away." I felt this way with my family a lot. I was SO scared that by speaking up and asserting myself that they were going to stop loving me. But as Lucinda mentions in the program, once I did start speaking up, some of them took hissy fits and temper tantrums but at the end of the day, they love me just the same and they've HAD to change because I don't allow them to take advantage of me anymore. I'm sure they preferred things the way they were but I'm finally taking care of myself. and I'm still there for them when they sincerely need my help.

[Paisleegreen]

Hi GiGi I like your thoughts as well as Nerveball. I don't know what you guys are doing now. But just wanted to say Hi! Paislee