Dear Diary

[Loveslife]

Wow Paislee. I wonder if you know how far you have come in the healing process. I know that you will never be the same, but I do believe you are starting to heal. I'm proud of you for using your knowledge to reach out and help someone else. Sometimes I am able to help others who have a child on drugs, but mostly I don't because my daughter is still on drugs. ( you get the idea). so, I'm proud of you.

I've never been back to my father's grave. I chose the headstone, and I placed his remains in the ground, but then I abandoned him in California. I don't know why I did that. ( yes I do, that wasn't true)

So, I'm glad you visited your beloved son. He wants you to find your way. I believe he's helping you.

Love,
J.
PS my laptop is signed out and I don't know my password or how to contact admins. I'm on my iPad, but if this gets signed out I will be a goner. Do you know how to contact admins?

[Paisleegreen]

J, I hope you find remember your password or are able to contact Administration. Any search for Lucinda Bassett would bring a phone #. So hope all goes well!

Thanks for your kind words again and I think you are doing great helping us right here.

Tina, that's great you got in the walking in the rain. You are a good coach! Paislee

[tina martin]

J can express feelings of sympathy and caring so well. I get overwhelmed at such tragedy. It is unimaginable sorrow that must leave a gaping wound.

And, still, for other members in the family life must go on. Honestly, for me a big part of it is exercise: it is distraction, it is a hobby dependent on no-one else, it gets the good chemicals flowing in the brain. Yesterday a woman went flying off the fitball in the gym and me there as "coach." Mercifully she was not hurt. Paislee, I have to confess this: am giving up coaching. Good Lord.

[Paisleegreen]

You're so funny, Tina, I know you are not going to stop coaching. It is part of your DNA! Well, last night before I went got settled down for late watching of shows TIVOed, I turned on a sprinkler that was suppose to just water for a few minutes a weeping blue atlas tree that is still in a big black pot. And its overspray could water a small lilac bush still in its pot. Two birds with one stone theory. I figured I'll remember to go turn off the water...yeah right... This morning it dawned on me that I didn't do that and went outside to survey what flooding might have occurred. Luckily, DS went Baja'ing last night with other young adults for a big bond fire.

So he must have turned off the water. Which I sort of figured he would, since the watering did make a louder sound than most sprinkling. No harm done since the whole area is one of my larger garden plots. So it just soaks surrounding plants and grass and weeds that need pulling. We've had some very warm days lately and I haven't been around to water plants that might need it.

The area is in full view of DS's big truck when he pulls into the driveway, so he couldn't miss it with all the lights he has on the truck! Kids...before he took off he had worked on the pick up again and has picked up other guys and has been helping them get their 4X4's geared up. I'm glad he is having fun and staying out of trouble. He really did not socialize in this manner as a student of an all boys Professional Technology high school. His world was revolved around servers, computers and college level basic studies. So its good to see him learn to be able to fix a truck. Always a good practical skill to have these days. Plus he is out of my hair! Paislee

[tina martin]

Paislee, please be sure to give DS a couple of A's in the test book you keep for him. We know some of the other grades. All grades count.

Yes, I suppose it is in my DNA. Have a picture of me getting a medal as "champ" of some kind. A memorable surprise. Probably for being best show-off. But, yes, gym was my easy A.

[Paisleegreen]

Yes, Tina, I told him. I already had taken care of his clothes from the washer into the dryer and then I folded them. He was surprised to see them all neatly folded on the couch when he dashed upstairs to get his clothes to get dressed for work. He gets a lot of kudos, he doesn't hear my frustrations.

P.E. was where I got my A's as well. But I was referring to your coaching in life as well.

[tina martin]

So we have PE in common. Nice. Coaching in life? Good Lord, what in the world do I know? I dug my way through blindly. In my next life I'll try out for shrink. People present puzzles that I like to figure out. Learning is good too. I've learned much here, esp. about CBT and have come to see its merits.

I would want others to be free of what troubles them and their suffering. How to get there is the mystery. Believe it varies from person to person.

[Paisleegreen]

Yes, you are right, Tina. P.S. I noticed the fridge had been cleaned out and deducted that DS must have done that, as DH I know wouldn't do it or have the time. So I asked DS and he told me, "Yes." So I thanked him for it and this morning I put in his sleeping bag that he left on the bench in my entryway into the washer. It was left in the back of his pick up truck, it was pretty muddy. He still has a computer and stuff that goes with it sitting on the floor near the entrance to the kitchen/dining room that he gathered from our shop. I mention these things here, because I'm working on decluttering my house and he was the big instigator on clearing up my stuff from main living quarters, that when he brings in things of his and leaves them in the main living quarters that everyone can see on the main floor, I get concerned.

I allow some leeway time, and I start to ask questions about what is going on with these items, and I only mentioned a few. So I'm giving him a break, but not allowing him to take over my whole house. When he has taken over quite a lot of it. So it is a give and take proposition and he is not like a Moocher that was seen on Dr Phil the other day. Where twin sons have overtaken the parents household and property and show disrespect to them in the highest degree. I don't have that problem, I just have the experience of experiencing "changes" that caused me to experience panic attacks and anxiety that set off a whole new set of circumstances.

So I've had to figure out what is causing these anxious body symptoms and work them out. Just as you suggested to "let it go", I am working on that as I protect myself from further "crossing boundaries" or misunderstanding issues to improving communications w/ spouse and adult children. As well as my own expectations of my spouse and children as we move to a new season in life. The changing dynamics of mother and child to mother and adult children along with being a Grandmother.

I don't know if this makes sense... I'll reread it later Paislee

[tina martin]

Yes, it makes sense. Step by tiny step and always with love. That's what that incident with my little 2 year old taught me. And some things we can let go as I did with her and her room. I'll relate further feedback on that issue another day. It is gym day and I must get ready.

Here is to a good day for you, Paislee.

[Loveslife]

Dear diary,

I have been working hard, and somehow I caught a cold, which annoys me.

Diary, I have a plan.

Two nights ago, while I was working, I went to the HR area during my break. Guess what!! The hospital will help in continuing Ed if you are employed full time or part time.

I'm per dium, so I need to step it up and get hired to part time. I'm last in line, but my boss loves me and I love her. So, she asked if she could come over soon to see my apartment and I said sure. I'll have her and a few other girls over and just work hard to be hired part time.

I want to be a CT scan tech and I think it is a realistic goal.

Ok, I'm working 4 times this week so I'm going to go, Diary.

Love,
Me
Ps we were invited to go on the sailing regatta on memorial day, but I'm working. I'm so disappointed that I can't go.