I'm adding this here, I know you guys would understand...and I just had to vent a bit.
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Re: Extreme debilitating symptoms
Postby Paisleegreen » Thu Apr 21, 2011 7:10 pm
Oh, it is good to hear that others suffer what I do, and understand it to be anxiety. This morning I could not get warm, I was freezing, I turned up the house heater and one in my bedroom. I also was having scary or disturbing dreams. I didn't feel up to getting up and eating anything either. I finally started feeling that maybe I need to go back on AD's, but I don't feel that I need to. I analyzed my feelings, what am I fearing and could only surmise all the activity I've been doing in the last week, really going past my comfort zone.
I've done extra physical labor around my yard, I've had to clear out an area that had my parents stuff stored behind a shop and it wasn't protected and much of the stuff was ruined due to a tree falling on it and also due to the weather. It wasn't the most valuable stuff we kept of theirs, but it was useful and had some sentiment. Anyway, I had to clear up this area of tree limbs, branches, and dead leaves. Then toss out my Dad's stuff into a dumpster, I was torn as I did this, it was very difficult. And on top of this, I'm planning a trip out of state where I'm not taking my vehicle, I'm not the driver, and I'm staying at this person's house she her parents own. I don't know the condition's of my sleeping quarters, and I'm an acquaintance of this person. So we've never really done much together except our volunteer work.
So I've been planning for this trip by going shopping and getting my hair permed, and looking into the future for possible "flubs" that can happen. I'm also preparing for me being out of town on the homefront, that all will be well while I'm gone.
Just many changes coming all at once, I did see my Therapist and he is please to see that I'm getting out of my comfort zone. I guess on a last note, DH surprised me by buying a new ironing board. When I went out to get one, the store didn't have what I wanted. So I was planning on checking around at other stores. Then that night or in the morning, I discovered he had bought me an ironing board, but it was the wrong kind. It was too wide and heavy and cost more than the one I would have bought.
I was very frustrated, and sort of resented this. It represented a reminder to me that I'm not in charge, and that this ironing board would be wonderful if I had my family room to myself again, (it was hijacked by my 19 year old son last year, which brought on my panic attacks). This room was partly my sewing room and I had plans on making quilts and this ironing board would be perfect for that and it could be kept up all the time. I wouldn't have to put it away. But for now I only need an ironing board to quickly set up when needed and then put away. So it has to be light weight and slim to fit in my kitchen off the laundry room.
So anyway, I stressed over how I was going to tell him that it was a nice gesture, but I just couldn't use this ironing board
at this time. Anyway, later in the day after I had my hair permed and dealt with traffic and went shopping for some clothes which I felt totally uncomfortable because my hair smelled like ammonia and I wasn't that familiar with the store. I plowed forward knowing that I needed to do this to overcome my anxiety, while all the time feeling the uncomfortable gut feelings.
Just to come home to the ironing board still leaning against the wall and DH hadn't returned it and picked up a different one that he knew I would like. So later in conversation he stated that there are several at the store and I would probably not like the second one he picked out. So anyway, that's sort of what I woke up to is thinking about the task I need to do to get a new ironing board to my liking, knowing that I still can't wash my hair yet and feel as "presentable" at the store as I would like.
All the while still thinking of my upcoming trip and the things I have to do before I go. So yes, I guess I'm not going to feel very good!
On top of this I'm thinking of my late son who died around this time and I'm missing him and feeling sad that I wasn't able to help him during his time of need and that he must have felt all kinds of anxiety that I didn't understand at the time. So here I am feeling sad and a bit anxious, but still not enough to take anti-depressants again. I can function and getting better as I work on my fears and change my thinking.
While typing this, DH came out, and is oblivious to how I'm feeling and sort of mimicked me as I was typing. It was more my laid back pose in the chair, but he doesn't know that I'm laying back, because my back and body is tired from not getting enough rest and freezing earlier and not being able to get warm.
I can't always talk to him because he is one of my stressors and instead of buying me an ironing board, I would have appreciated more him putting back some stakes and netting that surround a very deep pit so that people, including my little grandson won't accidently fall into it. This is where much of my anxiety comes from, I'm not always listened to and I can't do it all. There are two other male family members that could take care of the stakes and fencing, but they are busy doing their own thing. But the little boy is a son to one and a nephew to the other.
Okay, I'm not sure if I helped much, but thanks for letting me vent. That is one thing that will help with the anxiety symptoms is venting on here.
Now to go eat some tuna on toast, that is a second way of helping your gut to feel better. Paislee
Paisleegreen
Posts: 1210
Joined: Mon Oct 25, 2010 9:27 pm
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