Dear Diary
Re: Dear Diary
Dear Diary,
I'm sorry I blabbed so much yesterday, D. Sometimes I need to take it easy on you. After all, you are my innermost thoughts, and clearly we ramble together sometimes.
Anyway, I had a nice day with Julie today, and I was glad that she went to the storage facility with me. It was interesting watching her watch me open boxes, and seeing her get teary eyed.
It was VERY interesting that she could look at her old dolls and anything from the playroom, but when we opened a box marked "Julie's room" she could only go through one box. Emotions can be quite tricky to navigate, so I will let her go at her own pace.
She did take a few really cute things out of storage for her apartment, and the french teddybear pendulum wallclock from the laundry room does look so cute in her apartment.
I was much better in storage today. Janet had many of my antique faience pieces out, and I felt nothing. I told her to sell it all. But we did open a box of Julie's baby cloths that I had saved for when Julie has a baby. That was fun, and obviously we are keeping those.
What we keep. It's so interesting to actually put myself through this test. It's true. We keep sentimental pieces, and the valuable pieces are not what matter at all.
So strange the few things that I took...So strange.
Anyway, storage is getting easier, and Janet is doing a great job, and she loves it.
What we keep. We keep the good memories I suppose.
Love,
Me.
I'm sorry I blabbed so much yesterday, D. Sometimes I need to take it easy on you. After all, you are my innermost thoughts, and clearly we ramble together sometimes.
Anyway, I had a nice day with Julie today, and I was glad that she went to the storage facility with me. It was interesting watching her watch me open boxes, and seeing her get teary eyed.
It was VERY interesting that she could look at her old dolls and anything from the playroom, but when we opened a box marked "Julie's room" she could only go through one box. Emotions can be quite tricky to navigate, so I will let her go at her own pace.
She did take a few really cute things out of storage for her apartment, and the french teddybear pendulum wallclock from the laundry room does look so cute in her apartment.
I was much better in storage today. Janet had many of my antique faience pieces out, and I felt nothing. I told her to sell it all. But we did open a box of Julie's baby cloths that I had saved for when Julie has a baby. That was fun, and obviously we are keeping those.
What we keep. It's so interesting to actually put myself through this test. It's true. We keep sentimental pieces, and the valuable pieces are not what matter at all.
So strange the few things that I took...So strange.
Anyway, storage is getting easier, and Janet is doing a great job, and she loves it.
What we keep. We keep the good memories I suppose.
Love,
Me.
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Paisleegreen
- Posts: 1778
- Joined: Mon Oct 25, 2010 5:27 pm
Re: Dear Diary
Hi all--I've been pretty busy or otherwise occupied with many thoughts and feelings. So I haven't read all of what has been posted until now. J, what you wrote about your sadness over your father's will and your mother, and family. I didn't read fully at the time. Sometimes I'm on here at the early hours of the morning when I can't sleep but not fully ready to comprehend what I'm reading. The antibiotics I was taking really affected me and made me tired and irritable. I'm glad I'm done with them. Yippee!
But I felt your pain since I was written out of my father's Will as well and it was such a shocker. Your perfume analogy I thought was good too. If I were the first note in personality, I would have made a big fuss over my Father's Will. It took 8 months for me to even register that the Will had been disbursed and I wasn't informed about it. Then it took a little bit longer for me to be very brave and take a risk and tell my family that I was Wrongfully Judged and that they each owed me money.
That was a huge risk to take for the easy going, non confrontational type of purpose I am.
I shy away from confrontation and work at getting along. So this was a huge step in my personal growth of speaking up for myself. I only wished I had done more of it while my father was alive, as my husband had to do weekly with my Dad.
So these are my greastest pains, the loss of my son, the loss of my expectations of my father, and my one brother's email to me after I wrote the email. I read it, but have never written him back about it and had another type of rejecting email just recently that I did not respond back to. But had the same hurt or painful feeling from it as well at a smaller level.
I guess it is all about expectations and speaking up for yourself. Do I stay silent and be forgiving to keep the peace or make a big stink out of it and still have the same outcome. It is always a wrestling match in my soul or brain to decide what to do and I approach it thoughtfully and prayerfully. I have to decide is it really worth it? What are my gains or losses.
I just learn for the future and get more educated and practiced in speaking up for myself and giving myself comfort, as Lucinda talks about that in her Lesson #2 CD.
BTW, as far as DD is concern, my therapist says, that its best to let DH be the one to visit DD at her work or other type of things she was upset about that I don't do. Because my personality isn't one to do silly things with girls my daughter's age. I think there is boundaries in some of these areas. I'm a practical person, and I like to go to Malls or places to get the job done or errand done. I'm not the type to go out with a bunch of women to shop at the Mall or elsewhere, take in lunch and so forth.
I will do that with close friends and not in a mob. And if I'm on vacation or some special occasion such as a conference of some sort that I've purposely left home to attend elsewhere to associate with people of one purpose in mind. My daughter and I are not alike. And the competition for attention can suck the life out of you. That is one of part of my sadness is that I'm not like my daughter, our values are different. I don't watch the same movies she does, I don't listen to the same music, watch the same TV shows, our taste in vehicles are different, decor, and recreational activities.
We are different people altogether. There might be some likeness and some things that we agree on, but there is more difference than the same. I envy my mother's and eldest sister's relationship and other friends that usually are firstborns and have a very close relationship with their mothers. I have never had that.
But my friends I'm close to and I'm a loyal friend. It seems that many of them are the firstborns, but I wouldn't make that a fast rule. If they aren't the oldest they are the only daughter. Paislee
But I felt your pain since I was written out of my father's Will as well and it was such a shocker. Your perfume analogy I thought was good too. If I were the first note in personality, I would have made a big fuss over my Father's Will. It took 8 months for me to even register that the Will had been disbursed and I wasn't informed about it. Then it took a little bit longer for me to be very brave and take a risk and tell my family that I was Wrongfully Judged and that they each owed me money.
That was a huge risk to take for the easy going, non confrontational type of purpose I am. I shy away from confrontation and work at getting along. So this was a huge step in my personal growth of speaking up for myself. I only wished I had done more of it while my father was alive, as my husband had to do weekly with my Dad.
So these are my greastest pains, the loss of my son, the loss of my expectations of my father, and my one brother's email to me after I wrote the email. I read it, but have never written him back about it and had another type of rejecting email just recently that I did not respond back to. But had the same hurt or painful feeling from it as well at a smaller level.
I guess it is all about expectations and speaking up for yourself. Do I stay silent and be forgiving to keep the peace or make a big stink out of it and still have the same outcome. It is always a wrestling match in my soul or brain to decide what to do and I approach it thoughtfully and prayerfully. I have to decide is it really worth it? What are my gains or losses.
I just learn for the future and get more educated and practiced in speaking up for myself and giving myself comfort, as Lucinda talks about that in her Lesson #2 CD.
BTW, as far as DD is concern, my therapist says, that its best to let DH be the one to visit DD at her work or other type of things she was upset about that I don't do. Because my personality isn't one to do silly things with girls my daughter's age. I think there is boundaries in some of these areas. I'm a practical person, and I like to go to Malls or places to get the job done or errand done. I'm not the type to go out with a bunch of women to shop at the Mall or elsewhere, take in lunch and so forth.
I will do that with close friends and not in a mob. And if I'm on vacation or some special occasion such as a conference of some sort that I've purposely left home to attend elsewhere to associate with people of one purpose in mind. My daughter and I are not alike. And the competition for attention can suck the life out of you. That is one of part of my sadness is that I'm not like my daughter, our values are different. I don't watch the same movies she does, I don't listen to the same music, watch the same TV shows, our taste in vehicles are different, decor, and recreational activities.
We are different people altogether. There might be some likeness and some things that we agree on, but there is more difference than the same. I envy my mother's and eldest sister's relationship and other friends that usually are firstborns and have a very close relationship with their mothers. I have never had that.
But my friends I'm close to and I'm a loyal friend. It seems that many of them are the firstborns, but I wouldn't make that a fast rule. If they aren't the oldest they are the only daughter. Paislee
Re: Dear Diary
Wow Paislee. I definitely felt your heartache. I still feel it, like an after effect, after reading your post.
8 months, and THEN you found out you weren't included in the will of your father. Your confusion and heartache must have been overwhelming. And the ....searching...the desire to defend your integrity must have come into play as well.
I'm proud of you. It really doesn't matter in the end. (the money part) What matters is the love. That's why I was so confused.
I wasn't written out of my father's will, but the 3 of us just weren't included in his will. Nothing. By some fluke we were considered part of "the estate" because we were his offspring, and therefor stock and a little bit of a life insurance policy were distributed.
I never spoke up BECAUSE I knew this was what my father wanted. He wanted to take care of his wife. So it was strange. I understood it objectively, (or maybe I had to look at it this way to protect my psyche) and I always defended his actions.
But it is now, years later, that it is starting to hurt. I mean 19 years later. I guess because of my husband and what he is going through with his kids, and watching the infighting and the hurt and disappointment. And then learning that my stepmother just sold her home and well, didn't contact any of us to ask us if we wanted a token of his for our memory.
But I forgive her because she was an only child, adopted, and never had children. Translation...not much empathy. I just forgive her because my father would want me to. It's as simple as that.
I'm sorry that you have gone through so much in your life. I left you a song, but then worried that you wouldn't like it. It's one of my favorites, and I used to play it often on the piano. I know all the lyrics by heart. Tapestry.
Being practical and efficient is just who you are. Nothing wrong with that. I'm different now with my daughter, because she is older. So, we are starting to enjoy each other in a new and wonderful way, but I credit her for forgiving me for all the times I messed up. Plenty.
Good night Paislee. Sleep tight.
J.
8 months, and THEN you found out you weren't included in the will of your father. Your confusion and heartache must have been overwhelming. And the ....searching...the desire to defend your integrity must have come into play as well.
I'm proud of you. It really doesn't matter in the end. (the money part) What matters is the love. That's why I was so confused.
I wasn't written out of my father's will, but the 3 of us just weren't included in his will. Nothing. By some fluke we were considered part of "the estate" because we were his offspring, and therefor stock and a little bit of a life insurance policy were distributed.
I never spoke up BECAUSE I knew this was what my father wanted. He wanted to take care of his wife. So it was strange. I understood it objectively, (or maybe I had to look at it this way to protect my psyche) and I always defended his actions.
But it is now, years later, that it is starting to hurt. I mean 19 years later. I guess because of my husband and what he is going through with his kids, and watching the infighting and the hurt and disappointment. And then learning that my stepmother just sold her home and well, didn't contact any of us to ask us if we wanted a token of his for our memory.
But I forgive her because she was an only child, adopted, and never had children. Translation...not much empathy. I just forgive her because my father would want me to. It's as simple as that.
I'm sorry that you have gone through so much in your life. I left you a song, but then worried that you wouldn't like it. It's one of my favorites, and I used to play it often on the piano. I know all the lyrics by heart. Tapestry.
Being practical and efficient is just who you are. Nothing wrong with that. I'm different now with my daughter, because she is older. So, we are starting to enjoy each other in a new and wonderful way, but I credit her for forgiving me for all the times I messed up. Plenty.
Good night Paislee. Sleep tight.
J.
Re: Dear Diary
PS
Wait, I take that back. My stepmother wasn't an only child. She has a brother.
Wait, I take that back. My stepmother wasn't an only child. She has a brother.
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Paisleegreen
- Posts: 1778
- Joined: Mon Oct 25, 2010 5:27 pm
Re: Dear Diary
Ah, thanks, J! I can understand your step-mother being almost an only child and her thoughts about things. But still I definitely understand the hurt you felt at not even a phone call of "How would you like to come over and see if there is something special about your father's you could keep." I ended up with a lot of my Dad's stuff, since is was me and my family, not siblings, that cleaned out his large home full of stuff and things. It has burdened my home for several years now until my youngest son made such a fuss last spring that brought me here! LOL! Ugh.... 
But I'm healing...
I forgot to tell you that Tapestry is one of my favorite songs and I had Carole King's vinyl record album and played it lots and lots of times. Until my sister borrowed it or something, and it disappeared or got scratched. I don't know where many of my records from the 70's disappeared to.
Just part of going away to college and then getting married and so forth. I remember my first 45 was The Beatle's, Eight Days A Week and Day Tripper. But I was educated by having older siblings and sister who I borrowed her 45's, such as, It's My Party and I'll Cry If I Want To! Then Beach Boys at my friends slumber parties. All so much fun!
Yep, I knew I was written out of the Will after he died, but my brothers had told me that my Dad forgave the Debt he thought I still owed him. My brothers didn't know that that debt was paid back nor what my Dad meant. And they didn't pursue it very well either. So that is why I was expecting some money.
I do have the good and bad memories of my father living very close to us and being involved in my husband's and my life. More attention then wanted, compared to the other siblings. But we were perfect for them, not too busy and DH was a lot like my Dad and grew up in a similar family and weather conditions and had the same skills in many ways.
That's why it is so sad...sometimes. But I keep working it out, letting the tears flow when needed and working on not being like my Dad to our children. Keep the good stuff, but not the bad. I just watch my children as they develop the talents that came through my Dad's gene pool and it is all good.
DD has many skills from my side of the family as well, very assertive and organized like my mother. She does have a tender heart and I have to work on not being like my mother and being more tender with her. Skills I learned a little bit from my Dad and mother in law, and my eldest sister. My mother was too nervous and had her own issues. If her mind was in order during the last days, she would have rechecked the Will.
Thanks again for the song! My favorite singer, along with James Taylor. I love, You've Got a Friend by both of them.
Paislee
But I'm healing...
I forgot to tell you that Tapestry is one of my favorite songs and I had Carole King's vinyl record album and played it lots and lots of times. Until my sister borrowed it or something, and it disappeared or got scratched. I don't know where many of my records from the 70's disappeared to.
Just part of going away to college and then getting married and so forth. I remember my first 45 was The Beatle's, Eight Days A Week and Day Tripper. But I was educated by having older siblings and sister who I borrowed her 45's, such as, It's My Party and I'll Cry If I Want To! Then Beach Boys at my friends slumber parties. All so much fun! Yep, I knew I was written out of the Will after he died, but my brothers had told me that my Dad forgave the Debt he thought I still owed him. My brothers didn't know that that debt was paid back nor what my Dad meant. And they didn't pursue it very well either. So that is why I was expecting some money.
I do have the good and bad memories of my father living very close to us and being involved in my husband's and my life. More attention then wanted, compared to the other siblings. But we were perfect for them, not too busy and DH was a lot like my Dad and grew up in a similar family and weather conditions and had the same skills in many ways.
That's why it is so sad...sometimes. But I keep working it out, letting the tears flow when needed and working on not being like my Dad to our children. Keep the good stuff, but not the bad. I just watch my children as they develop the talents that came through my Dad's gene pool and it is all good.
DD has many skills from my side of the family as well, very assertive and organized like my mother. She does have a tender heart and I have to work on not being like my mother and being more tender with her. Skills I learned a little bit from my Dad and mother in law, and my eldest sister. My mother was too nervous and had her own issues. If her mind was in order during the last days, she would have rechecked the Will.
Thanks again for the song! My favorite singer, along with James Taylor. I love, You've Got a Friend by both of them.
Paislee
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tina martin
- Posts: 792
- Joined: Sun Nov 14, 2010 9:24 pm
Re: Dear Diary
Some of this is painful to read, P. Family is much extolled, yet...........When I put Freedom in as one of the 7 Wonders, I included freedom from family. Words of wisdom escape me except to say we only have ourself to help ourself. I think you are doing just that.
J, you did a spectacular job with storage. Believe I've read in Buddhism (oh, no, what else am I throwing in here?) that attachments along with cravings are big contributors to our miseries. Think I'll start to hang out with the Dalai Lama (he, he, as R might say).
J, you did a spectacular job with storage. Believe I've read in Buddhism (oh, no, what else am I throwing in here?) that attachments along with cravings are big contributors to our miseries. Think I'll start to hang out with the Dalai Lama (he, he, as R might say).
Re: Dear Diary
Dear Diary,
Well, let's see. Fine, diary. Today I have to go to see my psychiatrist, and I don't know what to talk about. I cancelled the last two appointments, but for the last one, she called me and insisted we talk on the phone. I love her.
But what to talk about?
Then, I have to come home and rest, because I'm working the famous midnight -8am shift again tonight. Diary, the hospital called and asked me to come in and work on a project that I did for them before, and I said sure, thanks for thinking of me, and I would love to. So, Wednesday, I will work on that project.
I don't know what to tell my therapist.
Maybe I'll talk about how I want to do yoga, and still haven't signed up for it. She likes to talk about why I don't do things that I want to do.
That might be a useful discussion. I really want to start yoga, but NOOOOO, do I, diary? Nope.
Love,
Me.
Well, let's see. Fine, diary. Today I have to go to see my psychiatrist, and I don't know what to talk about. I cancelled the last two appointments, but for the last one, she called me and insisted we talk on the phone. I love her.
But what to talk about?
Then, I have to come home and rest, because I'm working the famous midnight -8am shift again tonight. Diary, the hospital called and asked me to come in and work on a project that I did for them before, and I said sure, thanks for thinking of me, and I would love to. So, Wednesday, I will work on that project.
I don't know what to tell my therapist.
Maybe I'll talk about how I want to do yoga, and still haven't signed up for it. She likes to talk about why I don't do things that I want to do.
That might be a useful discussion. I really want to start yoga, but NOOOOO, do I, diary? Nope.
Love,
Me.
Re: Dear Diary
Dear Diary,
Yes, It's me, miss annoying, again.
I had a very interesting session (I was going to say, visit, but changed my mind) with Dr. W. today. Whoa. Well, why don't I go to yoga...Here's why, diary.
I'm more comfortable in my comfort zone, and every time I envision myself getting up and going to yoga, I envision myself very happy. And more independent.
I have a classic fear of success. But, I have this fear because I've never really been happy on my own before, going to say, a yoga class, because I've never tried it.
I'm afraid to let myself be happy. I KNOW I will love the class, so why don't I do it? Why is it so scary? Because I don't KNOW HOW to be happy and independent.
I'm learning. I've accomplished the harder things already. A job and storage. So the easier goal, being happy, is the hardest goal.
I have two weeks to go to yoga classes, because Dr. W. is on vacation next week. I am NOT going to let her down. I will do this.
Also, A huge enlightened moment!!! When I said to Jeff in a text "do you wwant to talk" and he basically said "no, I love you but you are immature and I don't want to talk to you" I just said "ok"
I could have said "well, I want to talk this through!"
It never occurred to me that I can say "but I WANT TO TALK" I'm so used to keeping my feelings bottled up, that I never, ever thought of saying, well I want to talk.
And I should be able to say "this makes me feel angry, etc, etc"
So, diary, I had a great session today.
Sigh. How am I supposed to fall asleep at 5:19PM and wake up at 10:30 for my midnight shift. I'm not even tired. I took a relaxing pill. I hope it works. Yoga would be better.
Love,
Me.
PS
Love to all.......
Yes, It's me, miss annoying, again.
I had a very interesting session (I was going to say, visit, but changed my mind) with Dr. W. today. Whoa. Well, why don't I go to yoga...Here's why, diary.
I'm more comfortable in my comfort zone, and every time I envision myself getting up and going to yoga, I envision myself very happy. And more independent.
I have a classic fear of success. But, I have this fear because I've never really been happy on my own before, going to say, a yoga class, because I've never tried it.
I'm afraid to let myself be happy. I KNOW I will love the class, so why don't I do it? Why is it so scary? Because I don't KNOW HOW to be happy and independent.
I'm learning. I've accomplished the harder things already. A job and storage. So the easier goal, being happy, is the hardest goal.
I have two weeks to go to yoga classes, because Dr. W. is on vacation next week. I am NOT going to let her down. I will do this.
Also, A huge enlightened moment!!! When I said to Jeff in a text "do you wwant to talk" and he basically said "no, I love you but you are immature and I don't want to talk to you" I just said "ok"
I could have said "well, I want to talk this through!"
It never occurred to me that I can say "but I WANT TO TALK" I'm so used to keeping my feelings bottled up, that I never, ever thought of saying, well I want to talk.
And I should be able to say "this makes me feel angry, etc, etc"
So, diary, I had a great session today.
Sigh. How am I supposed to fall asleep at 5:19PM and wake up at 10:30 for my midnight shift. I'm not even tired. I took a relaxing pill. I hope it works. Yoga would be better.
Love,
Me.
PS
Love to all.......
-
Paisleegreen
- Posts: 1778
- Joined: Mon Oct 25, 2010 5:27 pm
Re: Dear Diary
Hi Tina, thanks for the support. Its true just by writing this down it helps. I'm tired today, I had a scary dream...I seem to wake up during the middle of it due to a phone call or something. The old dream that showed anxiety was always the one where I'm back in high school taking a Math class. I get frustrated because I tell them, I've already graduated from high school! It wasn't until I got finished my college degree did I stop having those dreams.
Now I get scarier dreams that I'm trying to work something out or save something from happening. More people are involved. I don't like them at all.
I've been debating whether to nibble on some Xanax, although I'm not feeling anxious, just getting these annoying body symptoms in my gut. Plus I feel dizzy and my muscles seem to be tight or something is weird feeling where I get the "chills" or goose bumps. I'm very tired and just can't get motivated to get dressed.
But I have to attribute that to having a very busy week last week and the weekend was very busy and partly stressful. I had a deadline of pictures of my late son to pick out and get them emailed to someone to put in a Memorial Book. The deadline brought on a lot of pressure that I wasn't expecting at this time. I needed time to hunt down the photos I wanted to use.
So it ended up that a dear friend offered to scan them and email them. So I had to scurry around and gather what I had handy and go with it.
I finally got to see the final scanning results and it was frustrating because I couldn't figure out this server / computer system to find the photos. I enlisted DH's help. I did pretty good at remaining calm and while I went and answered the phone he finished up what I started and got the pics to show. I would have figured it out or even asked DH if I needed to add some more words to the Search. So this made him the Hero. I guess that is good and bad. This can make him feel good that he helped me out and make me feel good that I no longer need to fiddle with the computer.
I have to swallow my pride, because I would have figured it out eventually or suffered more due to not seeing the photos uploaded. Then to see the photos of my little boy was both hard on me and DH. The lady who received them emailed back to tell me she got the photos and that he was a sweety. I wrote back to thank her and agreed that he was a sweety and then went on about his last day and the altercation he had that precipitated his death.
I was writing to the right person, as she started the website for just that purpose. So maybe that is why I'm a bit down. But I'm glad to have accomplished these hard tasks and the friend that scanned them for me says when I'm ready she will come over and help me scrapbook his pictures. That was so good to hear, she's a sweetie pie herself I have to say, an Angel sent from above.
Hope everyone has a good night. Paislee
Now I get scarier dreams that I'm trying to work something out or save something from happening. More people are involved. I don't like them at all.
I've been debating whether to nibble on some Xanax, although I'm not feeling anxious, just getting these annoying body symptoms in my gut. Plus I feel dizzy and my muscles seem to be tight or something is weird feeling where I get the "chills" or goose bumps. I'm very tired and just can't get motivated to get dressed.
But I have to attribute that to having a very busy week last week and the weekend was very busy and partly stressful. I had a deadline of pictures of my late son to pick out and get them emailed to someone to put in a Memorial Book. The deadline brought on a lot of pressure that I wasn't expecting at this time. I needed time to hunt down the photos I wanted to use.
So it ended up that a dear friend offered to scan them and email them. So I had to scurry around and gather what I had handy and go with it.
I finally got to see the final scanning results and it was frustrating because I couldn't figure out this server / computer system to find the photos. I enlisted DH's help. I did pretty good at remaining calm and while I went and answered the phone he finished up what I started and got the pics to show. I would have figured it out or even asked DH if I needed to add some more words to the Search. So this made him the Hero. I guess that is good and bad. This can make him feel good that he helped me out and make me feel good that I no longer need to fiddle with the computer.
I have to swallow my pride, because I would have figured it out eventually or suffered more due to not seeing the photos uploaded. Then to see the photos of my little boy was both hard on me and DH. The lady who received them emailed back to tell me she got the photos and that he was a sweety. I wrote back to thank her and agreed that he was a sweety and then went on about his last day and the altercation he had that precipitated his death.
I was writing to the right person, as she started the website for just that purpose. So maybe that is why I'm a bit down. But I'm glad to have accomplished these hard tasks and the friend that scanned them for me says when I'm ready she will come over and help me scrapbook his pictures. That was so good to hear, she's a sweetie pie herself I have to say, an Angel sent from above.
Hope everyone has a good night. Paislee