Newbie hoping for a miracle.

[webfoot1970]

Hello to all of you. I am finally giving this program a try. I have seen it through the years on late night tv but have never believed it could help me, especially since I have a medical disease undetectable by modern science, a real life medical mystery & NO way do I have anxiety & depression right?!?!

I have been suffering with this problem since age 20 when I was suddenly awoke one night with my heart pounding so hard I thought my bed was moving, I felt I was looking down at myself from the ceiling & just overall felt rotten. Since that night my life has never been the same! I've been to Dr's over the past 20 years from family practitioners, cardiologists, neurologists, psychiatrists to the Mayo Clinic in Scottsdale, Az. 2 times. I've been to the ER by ambulance I don't know how many times & got in the habit of just driving myself to the ER & sitting in the parking lot or lobby of the hospital because I'm so sure I'm going to die at anytime. I've been to an outpatient behavioral program twice & still I continue to suffer.

My world has gotten smaller & smaller over the years. A once happy, self confident very active outdoorsman has been reduced to a lonely, overweight, shell of a man with very little interest in anything besides my sons. Which brings yet another problem as I'm divorced I have my sons every other weekend and seems to bring yet another layer of anxiety & depression to light as I feel I cannot do the same things normal parents do for their children & thinks makes me feel like a TERRIBLE father.

So here I am, sorry for such a down introduction, but I have fewer & fewer positive days as it seems the end is drawing closer at a rapid pace.

[nycgal84]

Yes - I am new to this too and so far so good! Really spend your time on the CDs - and I HIGHLY recommend listening to the deep relaxation CD. It centers me and is a great way to chill out!

I also have been to the ER a couple times because I am convinced something is wrong with me. I always can find something and am often times convinved it is the Drs. who are incorrect and are just missing what is TRULY wrong with me! I have had so many tests, and they aren't finding anything. I am wasting so much of my precious time and energy worrying about something that I don't even have!

You can do it - just DO NOT give up!!

[webfoot1970]

Thank you so much for taking the time to respond nycgal84. I really hope I can get some relief soon.

[tommy_riley]

I am also divorced after a 16 or 17 year relationship (married for 13 years - divorce finalized feb 23rd 2011). I have my two boys every weekend. I have problems with my leg because of a motorcycle accident a few years ago. I have MRSA staph deep inside my leg - it's much better now, but I am still fatigued all the time and feel quite a bit of anxiety over the fact that I cannot do normal exersize, play basketball, or do alot of things with my kids that I could have before the accident. Sometimes when the physical anxiety kicks in (tightness in chest) it feels so bad that even when my kids are over, all I can do is lay in bed and watch TV to try and forget about it. Luckily it's been getting better (not so much physical anxiety since I quit all benzo's), but I still feel fatigued and down on myself when I can't do more with my children. Makes me feel like a terrible father.

But the thing we all have to realize is that kids are pretty resilient - as long as we're not abusing drugs and alcohol, abusing the children, or seriously negleting them, they will most likely be pretty happy that you are even in their life at all - being a good father when you can. I hope that down the road you can get to have them a little more often than you do now, but just try and make the most of it while you do have them. This is just one phase of our life and who knows what it will be like a year, or even a month from now.

[webfoot1970]

How I understand what you say about laying in bed watching TV. I have spent so many hours doing just that when my sons are with me it's horrible. I know the last thing a healthy young boy wants to do on a warm sunny day is hang out with his father whose afraid if he overexerts himself it may bring on a heart attack or stroke. This disorder is so crippling & cruel! I sometimes wonder if my sons would be happier in some way if I were to just fade away!

[webfoot1970]

How I understand what you say about laying in bed watching TV. I have spent so many hours doing just that when my sons are with me it's horrible. I know the last thing a healthy young boy wants to do on a warm sunny day is hang out with his father whose afraid if he overexerts himself it may bring on a heart attack or stroke. This disorder is so crippling & cruel! I sometimes wonder if my sons would be happier in some way if I were to just fade away!

[midnight2870]

No way ,you have family and I know you would not hurt them on purpose. There are walk in clinics in all the major cities now. No dr's referral needed. Keep me posted.

[KATM02]

webfooted,

Hi i'm a 18 year new to the program this year as well. I'm hoping for a miracle im in college and i don't know how im going to make it through with this crippling axiety, it doesn't fade my head hurts all the time and i can't focus. I'm praying for a miracle with this program . I saw you talk about your kids and i'm a child from a divorced family, i just wanted to let you know that even if you watch tv with your kids a majority of the time it won't hinder your relationship they still love you and i would know bc i've been in that situation. Lately i have no energy to do anything but i thought i'd give you some thing i enjoy doing with my mom even when i'm down that are simple. Baking is always a stress reliever because you can stay at home and get your mind of things when putting something together plus its a fun family activity, i also enjoy just simply laying outside in the back yard and talking with my mom or watching my siblings play, sometimes i do breathing exercise while i'm outside watching them to maintain self control. Also puzzles are fun to do because they dont need too much though but you are still interacting. Don't feel like a horrible father , i'm sure your kids know you love them madly, i'm learning that anxiety doesn't make u a bad person it just shows you care but just a little to much. All kids need are love and for you to hug them and show you care not take them to wild parks or outside adventures. Don't beat yourself up ok? You don't deserve it:)

[webfoot1970]

Thank you for taking the time to respond. I'm on session 3 but starting over because I don't think I was doing everything right. I'm having a very hard time convincing myself that what I'm suffering from is anxiety & not a real medical disease. I guess I'll never get better if I can't accept that I'm suffering from anxiety, but these physical symptoms never go away which creates massive anxiety & depression.

My world just continues to close in on me more & more everyday.

[preciousbug]

I am also new to this program. Actually just started last night! The weird thing was after listening to session one I felt really anxious after. Maybe it was scary to see that there are so many people suffering from anxiety and depression. I think I have always had a normal level of anxiety up until this year for some reason it seems a million times worse. I actually had a panic attack where my heart was racing and I was sweating and shaky and felt like throwing up but I didnt want to let anyone know what was going on. I was actually hooked up to the blood pressure moniter at my doctors office when it happened. No one seemed to care that my blood pressure was high at the moment and I was in tears. They asked why it would be high and I said for some reason I feel really anxious. They responded with "well that explains it". End of conversation. I also suffer from some very embarrassing physical symptoms. Diarhea ( gross) being one. Then it was Irritable Bowel Syndrome. Again end of conversation. Finally I went on an anti-anxiety/antidepressant for 3 yrs and found that while they seemed to help, if I couldnt get to the pharmacy when I ran out my body went through some nasty withdraws. I decided I wanted to take a pill free route. So I am trying this. I think the mind is a very powerful thing and am willing to try anything. Not being able to leave out the house because I am scared some of these "anxiety" symptoms will happen toally stinks. I also hate flying but there are places I would love to see and family I would love to visit.

I have to give you two dads props for being able to talk freely about this. As I have learned being a woman it is much easier for us to complain and share how we feel than it is for a man. I think that if you have the strength to even talk about your anxiety and depression, you definately have the strength to give the program an honest try. Also if you do feel you have a medical reason for the way you are feeling then don't give up on that, but it sounds like your medical issues are causing you some depression and anxiety. You should try and find an answer for both. Don't give up. Children need a father. Make it a mission to find out whats wrong with you and heal your mental health as well for them. Thats what I am doing. I want to be better for myself and most definately for my children. Plus if this works I am going to shop till I drop. Something I used to love doing but now hate leaving the house.

Again keep at it and don't give up. Keep us posted on what you are learning and how you are doing. I think I will do the same. Remember we are not the only ones!