"What if" thinking

[Loveslife]

Infinite. It is the biggest word in the dictionary, and the one that is hardest for me to grasp. The only way my mind can process the word infinite, is in the context of love. Love is miraculous and never ends. Love goes on and on and on all through time and space and knows no boundaries.

All other definitions of infinite are too hard to understand. I believe in science class, the teacher/professor should use love as an example of infinite, instead of the universe. Love IS universal....

I do hope to hear from BB, because I will be off to work soon, and working all night and unable to respond if BB needs me. I hope BB is well and not having an anxiety attack....

T., I don't want to burdon or bother Dr. K. He is much too famous now; More famous then even before, and it intimidates me and I find it ......searching.......intimidating and then he becomes larger then life. (haha. No pun intended..Larger then life, and I'm love'slife. )

Anyway, I believe that someday I will buy him a cup of coffee, as I owe him a cup of coffee in a coffee shop to be precise.
If this ever comes to pass, I have a present for him that I have been saving for him. If not, I will someday send it to him.
It is a very special letter from MM. Maria Mitchell. The first female astronomer, who lived in his home state, and on my favorite island. I believe he would appreciate the letter more then anyone I know, and it is an original. Someday I will give it to him and he can frame it. She was an amazing woman.

Did you know that next weekend the moon will be the biggest full moon in history?! I must study and learn more about this moon of next week. I don't understand how one moon can be fuller then another, unless we are closer to it...

Or further away?

Anyway, I'm asking myself these questions and at the same time hoping to hear from BB. I'm slightly worried............

La la la, Tra la la, la la la........runs off singing.

[Loveslife]

Here is the link to the "super moon" of next week..

http://www.foxnews.com/scitech/2011/03/ ... tist-says/

I hope BB enjoys it too. Something to take her mind off of her anxiety.

[bklynbee]

Hi...feeling crappy again today but im still here. every time i get up my heart races and feels like it is skipping beats. i have gone to so many docs for this and they all say its anxiety. it is such a scary feeling. my fiance is home and when he came in he kissed and said hello to the dogs and went right by me like i wasnt even there...I had to get up to make myself a waffle otherwise i would have had nothing to eat again. What I have learned from this whole experience is that you really see peoples true colors when you are down and out. I tried to think of things that I love about myself and all I feel is like an empty shell....I dont think i will ever be the person I used to be. Thank you for listening and have a good night at work.

[Loveslife]

Thank you for responding. How are we going to gently teach you to love yourself. You feel empty. I understand this feeling. I used to feel empty too. Slowly I started to understand what others already knew. If you don't see love in your self, others won't either.
I started by answering this question a few years ago. What do I want? What would complete me, or even just help me.
My answer was:
1. Friends in RL.
2. A job.
So, my journey was and is still about friends and work.

In order to achieve reaching out to my old friends, I needed to build my confidence. I had NONE.
So, what do you want, BB?
Is it love, or a family or a job or all of those things?
What do you want? Let us approach the problem from a different angle....

[Loveslife]

PS
"you really see someone's true colors when you are down and out"

Yes and no. I don't think that is always true. I hope not anyway. Let me explain.

I was down and out awhile ago. I had left a website feeling great shame. I felt as if my world were pulled out from under me.
My friend from that website contacted me and never let me go. She emailed me weekly at first, and we just really had a wonderful connection. But, I saw her true colors. She wasn't going to let go of me, and she never did.

On the other hand, I was on another website, and became friends with someone there. At first it was fine but then I started listening to my inner voice, that something was "off". She felt too needy and I felt as if she were pulling me down into an abyss, although she didn't mean to do this. She was and is a very sweet girl. She was down and out and had a terrible tragedy happen to her. Her sister committed suicide in December.

I told her i would always be there for her, but I wasn't. I had to keep my distance or I felt I would lose myself again. I wasn't strong enough yet to totally help her. I didn't realize this and I will always feel guilty. But, my true colors are pure. I just didn't have the strength yet to help her.

Do you see how sometimes we need to let go and let others help themselves? Could I have been kinder? Probably. But my point is that I couldn't handle such an INTENSE neediness until I was completely healed.

So, maybe your fiance has needs too? Maybe if you try to let go a little bit, you will be surprised to see the abundant love this person has for you. Just my thoughts. Random and rambling, and I hope you understand my two different examples...

[bklynbee]

I want to have friends,a family, a job, love and happiness. I used to have a lot of friends. I want to be the person I used to be strong and able to move on from things rather than just sit and dwell on everything. I do try to let go and I do ok for a while but then once the anxiety starts I start relying on everyone again. Its like I turn into a little girl and want everyone to take care of me. I was seeing a therapist for a while and she actually put it into the exact words how i feel when im going through a bad time. Im out on an island in the middle of the ocean and screaming for help but no one ever comes. What I have learned is that I need to help and rely on myself. I just dont know how to do that. I dont even know where to begin.

[Loveslife]

You already have begun to help yourself. I'm thrilled to know that you have a therapist, and she sounds like a good one.
So, will you try again, for me?
What is one thing about yourself that you love?
Just one quality. Let's start here.

[bklynbee]

I love that I am an easy learner...I take to new things very quickly. Wow that was hard I seriously had to sit and really think about it. I never think about myself lately.

[tina martin]

First I want to say, LL, that I think you are right about the word "infinite." Maybe "individualized" or "open ended" is better.

What we are talking about, BB, is a book we discussed elsewhere re 7 Wonders That Can Change Your Life. I bring this up here because Friendship is one of the Wonders in the book but did not make my list for several reasons. One reason is the potentially slippery slope of Friendship which, it seems to me, is exemplified by your discussion. So I could not resist inserting my two cents, but you need pay no attention.

[bklynbee]

I understand what you are saying T but I really hope to have good friends again one day. I lived in nc for a couple of years and i made some of the best friends of my life there. Unfortunately when I moved I lost contact with these girls but I miss them. I was going through my first bad spell when i lived there and one day i went to visit them at there job. My doc had prescribed me paxil but of course I was petrified to take it. When my friends saw me they could not believe how bad i looked. They asked if i had the pills with me and i did and we all went into the bathroom and they stood by me while i took the meds. I kept taking the paxil and by the second week i was a completely different person. I had never felt so good in my life. Those girls helped me back then, if not for them I may have not gotten better. I hope to find friendship like that again. I understand that I need to do this on my own but I need support, I need someone to be there for me when I have a bad day but I dont have that.