Changes, How do we make them?

[Loveslife]

It's true regarding leaving my daughter. I wouldn't be able to do that, even thought she is grown. She really isn't quite grown up and still needs me and I like that I'm still needed.

I wonder why they left Love and Self out of the book. Maybe they left Self out because the whole book is working on Self.
And maybe they left Love out because that falls under Faith.

I can't move to Florida now. I would just be running from my problems, which are inside of me and would still be there in Florida. I'll continue to work on building myself up. I have come a long way, and the book has helped me tremendously.

I never commented on Rich's perfect marriage because I felt I would be being judgmental. He says he is so happy, and so I believe that he is so happy. A multiple partner marriage isn't for me though. I think maybe, just maybe, sex is the shield there, but who knows. The one thing I never asked was what they told their children. I don't think sex with multiple partners in a marriage is the answer to a great marriage, but maybe it is for them. I am in no position to judge anyone re: marriage and never will.

Yes, I did type my problems for you to see, and I appreciate your response. My spouse has actually read the book and that surprised me. Also, my psychiatrist said that being ambivilent (sp) isn't a bad thing. It just is.

The book mentions family, and I am focusing on my side of my family, mainly my brothers. I want to be closer to them and we all want that, as I've actually talked to my brothers about getting together more often. My younger brother is in a terrible depression. The kind where he can barely get out of bed on weekends, so I understand his pain.

It's another dreary day here. Really dreary and rainy and that is not helping my mood. I'm going to spend the day reading. I met Julie's new boyfriend last night, and it was cute because he was so nervous. I like him. She's so young. (21) and as long as she doesn't get too serious, then I'm happy to meet her boyfriends. I'm rambling.

Have a lovely day Tina.

Love,
J.

[tina martin]

Dear Jamie, I never judged Rich. If it works for him and his wife, well and good for them. In fact, as I made up my own 7 Wonders, one that I include is Tolerance. Am mighty impressed that spouse read the book. What a starting point for possible discussion and further reading. Sorry to learn about your younger brother. Siblings can be of great help to each other.

Want to add that weather requires a mindset and will not stop me or influence me. It's like an outward bound experience (to walk in), we survive, and can feel good because of it. Just makes us stronger and provides the moisture Nature (another one of my Wonders) needs.

To others on the site: please know this is not a private thread or chat. Join in any time you wish. With Love (because it is one of my 7 Wonders) to all..........Tina

PS. Can you see I'm itching to state my 7 Wonders? Never mind. Three will do.

[Loveslife]

Yes Tina, this is an open thread and all members are welcome to post. Please do, as the original topic is about change, and how we make change occur in our lives.

Tina, You are right. A walk in he rain would suit me fine right about now. I know you never judged Rich, you were simply questioning in your mind "a perfect marriage". Rich always seemed happy. That's what I noticed the most about him. He frightened me a bit, but those were my issues, nothing he ever did. Well no, I take that back. In my mind, he thought in terms of black and white, with no middle ground or room for understanding. You either were an enabler or enabled and he didn't understand that one can't always get from one place to another so simply. You do have to search all of your painful parts in order to truly change. To me, he didn't understand that, and simply had no patience for the journey in one's life.

But he seemed very happy, which made me happy for him.

I would love to hear your 7 wonders. I would substitute the word "tolerance" for "acceptance".......
A few of my wonders are Giving and Hope and Patience and The Golden Rule...

Again, this thread is open to all members. Post away.

[tina martin]

Jamie, I held off for others to post, but here goes. Correct about Rich. He might tell you why he is happy. He was very funny.

Why did I pick tolerance over acceptance? They are not quite the same, I believe. We may tolerate something and yet not quite accept it. It's good enough (in my mind) if we can be tolerant. But, yes, acceptance is a wonderful goal to strive for. Now suddently I feel protective of the remaining Wonders, but I share their No. 1: Courage. Do you want to share their 7?Would yours be the same? This is what I would have said as an Intro to the book (as if anyone is asking): "You, dear reader, may find it worthwhile and enjoyable to imagine your own 7 Wonders. There are other Wonders to consider."

So maybe this is how we can entice others to join. Dream up Wonders. It is cloudy here, but a lovely Sunday anyway. Hope yours is too, Jamie, as well as everyone else. The sun will return.

[Loveslife]

Tina, no need to feel protective over your other specific "wonders".

I agree 100% re: tolerance vs. acceptance and that's why I suggested the word acceptance. To "tolerate" someone's beliefs or life style seems condescending to me. I am only stating MY view of the word and am in know way correcting you. I mean, if I were gay, and people "tolerated" me would feel insulting. I would want to be accepted, just the way I am. If someone has to "tolerate" me, then I really would want nothing to do with that person. Do you understand what I am saying?

To tolerate someone is in itself a kind of prejudice. (in my humble opinion)

The part of the book that made me squirm the most, (for lack of a better phrase) was believe it or not, Common Sense.

Actually, that chapter really upset me. I have all of my life ignored my "gut feelings" or my intuition, and believed what was being said, or what I was being told or shown, instead of listening to my instinct, my gut reaction.

I have a fairly good instinct, but I have far too often ignored it. Something else about that chapter upset me, but I can't remember what it was.

Love. Love is an emotion that I feel for everyone. (with the exception of my children, which is a different kind of love)
I have to be honest if I want to grow and change and say that I've shut off the other kind of love, for a long, long, long time.

I love my spouse, but not the way that I WANT to love my spouse, for instance. I'm aware of this, and I'm working on it, but don't know really how to work on it. Just typing it is working on it I suppose. For instance, intimacy. The word that comes to mind, (and I really, really, really don't want to admit this) is yuck. If we were doing a word play and you said "intimacy" I would say "yuck"

I wonder how I change that. It's sad. Very, very sad. I want to have it, but it feels "yucky".

I'm glad this day is almost over and Monday will soon be here. I haven't been this blue in a long time. It feels scary to feel like I'm on the brink of a depression. Hopefully it will go away soon.

Have a pleasant evening Tina and hopefully others will post their thoughts too. (I love hearing from you, and we were talking about your state last night at dinner) I hope the snow is almost gone, and your spring flowers are not far behind....

[Loveslife]

PS
I just figured out why I don't feel comfortable with intimacy on an intimate level. I don't like being vulnerable.
Vulnerable equals feeling exposed.

[tina martin]

Agreed, acceptance is a better word. Edited the gay example to avoid any controversy. I did not care for Common Sense, though to be fair I did not read that chapter. It is not in my line up.

What other kind of love? Do you mean intimacy as love? What feels yucky? Sorry I'm dense. You need not address this, of course, but maybe we can find some answers.

My Love Wonder is our fantastic ability to love, separate from the concepts of romance, attraction, passion, sex (often confused as love), or intimacy, as defined by.....whom? As you can see I have not thought this out very carefully, so am probably on shaky ground. That's fine. I am open to Learning (oh, no, another Wonder slipped out). Hope you are smiling.

I see your PS, but still not sure how to fit that into the love matter. Aren't we always vulnerable when we extend our love?

[Paisleegreen]

I guess I need to get that book to understand what you guys are talking about as far as Wonders go.

[Loveslife]

I might be confusing love (romantic) with intimacy. Being intimate in terms of sex for instance, would feel ..... searching for right word.....it would feel like.....being vulnerable. It would feel like I am..... I can't finish the sentence.

I'll try again.

Being intimate would involve trust on an incredible level. I don't know how to do that. I know that Dr. K. has mentioned writing out 2 or 3 things that you would like to try, or that you have never told anyone, but I could never, ever do that.

I don't want to give that part of myself away. There. That just came out of me. That's the answer.

I don't want to give that part of myself away. I feel sad but it's true. Actually, the truth is, it is getting worse, not better.

I'm too embarrassed to tell this to my psychiatrist. It hasn't gone unnoticed by me that I accepted a job where I will work nights, weekends and holidays, and have to skip my vacation this year.

It's just more of the same. Lowering one shield and raising another. Right now, I hate me.

I'm sorry for saying all of this to you, Tina, but it is just at the surface of me, and it is really sad. My new supervisor loves her husband so much, and the other girl does too. They want to know all about me and I found that I was just "pretending" again.
It isn't the same kind of love.

I'm all mixed up.

PS
I'm sorry that I'm not contributing to other threads. I am purposely not doing that, because I'm trying to focus on me instead of becoming distracted with helping others. I notice that when I do that, I don't help myself. So, I've been focusing on all of the painful parts of me, and this topic is THE MOST PAINFUL.

PPS
What feels yucky? Intimacy feels yucky. Or, the thought of letting myself be vulnerable in that way feels yucky.

Gross. I hate me.

[Loveslife]

I'm sorry Paislee.
The book is called The 7 Wonders That will Change Your Life by Glenn Beck and Dr. Keith Ablow.

The wonders are Courage, Faith, Truth, Compassion, Friendship, Family and Common Sense.

Tina, I'm wondering why you didn't read or care for the Common Sense Chapter. That surprises me.