Changes, How do we make them?

[Loveslife]

Hi All,

".........I guess I'm a bit confused on H, because you have used H for the male person in your life......."

I understand your confusion, Paislee. From now on I will refer to my spouse as "spouse". My supervisor's name starts with H, and it's not that I don't want to mess things up with her, it's that I like and respect her very much. She is a wonderful person, warm, kind compassionate, tough when she needs to be, detailed orientated and a task master. I like her. Period.

As for "using the male person in my life"....sigh. I've heard that before and it know longer holds the power to hurt me. Those words can't hurt me, because I know the truth. And so does my best girlfriend now, and my other girlfriend too.

I'm not using, nor have I ever used my spouse. Ever. Those words won't hurt me, although some have tried to hurt me with those words, including my spouse.

If anything happens to him, I will be left with a mountain of debt. We already have a mountain of debt. My life insurance policies have all run their course, and it will be up to me some day to dig us out of debt.

I am the only one who knows this. He knows it too, deep down inside. I have stayed by his side and kept his secrets and I can't leave a person when they are down and out and hurting. He is. The best I can do is pick myself up, and try to help all of us, which I have continually tried to do. I have always tried to do this, but because I don't defend myself, others have drawn their own conclusions. So be it. I know the truth to me and I am content that I have never used anyone in my entire life, ever.

Yes, it is TGIF. I am trying to save my marriage. Tina is right. I am ambivalent and I did tell this to my psychiatrist. I am ambivalent, and know it, but will do what I need to do to try to be unambivalent. In the mean time, I'm working and earning a paycheck, no matter how small. I'm doing the very best that I can.

~Peace

[tina martin]

Dearest Jamie, First I think Paislee simply meant using the letter H to signify your husband, not in the sense of "using" him as a person. She refers to her husband as DH, you may refer to yours with H. No hurt intended, I'm sure. We know H is your supervisor with whom you are pleased. We are happy for that too.

I don't think I ever voiced objection to ambivalence. Anyway, I hope I didn't. Life is full of ambivalence. From way back I believe I almost always stood alone in realizing what a bind you were in and that staying within the marriage was on the table as an option. Jamie, you are being very brave and strong in what you are doing. And I would not count out Spouse in doing his part economically. Just as an aside I call mine Boss, The Old Man, Hubby, The Other Party. And, frankly, I try to use him in all ways I can think of (joking).

You've had a rewarding week, it seems to me. Try and take that for now and feel good about it. A piece at a time. As you say, peace. I check in early so I wanted to get this to you to have a peaceful evening and night. Love.......T

[Paisleegreen]

Thank you, Tina for explaining the H terminology. I love your sense of humour for the Boss, I caught on to that pretty quickly and it always gives me a good chuckle. J, as Tina said a I refer to husband, as DH, meaning Dear Husband, at AZ you referred to him as H. So that is where the confusions came in, as your H wasn't a DH, or a Dear to you. I try to use codes to eliminate extra typing, and learned on an Organizing Forum the abbreviations for spouses, daughters, sons, in laws, but I'm learning quickly that that is not always used in other Forums. There use to be a Code that gave the descriptions for these abbreviations on the side of the posting box, such as the side bar with the Smilies at this other website.

[Paisleegreen]

J, I hadn't read your previous posting before my last one after Tina's. I did not write anything down that asked you if your watch made you feel important. I personally did not know why you were having difficulty with having your supervisor pull up your sleeve to look at your watch, which to me was a person crossing boundaries. So that is where the mystery was in my mind, was that I didn't see a problem with anyone seeing what type of watch you wore.

Only because I don't care what kind of watch people wear. I don't wear a watch myself because it would get in the way of my gardening, which involves watergardening, and I am constantly banging my wrist against pots, rocks and dirt. When I worked at a hospital or bank, then I wore a watch. I had a pretty Seiko DH bought for me and I have no idea where it is. Some day it will become unburied and I will be delighted. Otherwise, the world I live in now doesn't require me to wear a watch. I have a couple, but they stay on my dresser until I need to wear one. Otherwise, my cell phone and my kitchen clock reminds of the time.

Now if you are wearing yours as a badge of honor, I have volcanic rock that has my son's blood spilt on it and it is on a book shelf in my living room. Noone looking at it would know that unless I point it out, but I keep it there as a Memorial and the last object that held my son's blood or that his living body touched. So I understand how special your watch is to you and it is a specially made watch. You have every right to own any watch of your choice. That is the beauty of living in a free society.

I drive vehicles that use diesel fuel, I don't let anyone guilt me into thinking I should drive an Electric car. My vehicles are paid for and it takes me on many vacations and trips that a wimpy electric car would not serve all the purposes that my tough vehicle can handle, nor hold the company I want to keep. Paislee

[SoWhatif]

J, Have you been told your magnificent lately? How about you Paislee? Or You Tina?
You Ladys are that awsume and more.

There is two things you speak of J that makes me really uncomfortable.
One is you say you will not defend yourself, to be blunt that is harmfull to you in more ways than you might imagine.
The second is saving your marrage, That is a honorable response and I suppose a natural need. I beg of you to learn as much as you can about codependance, interdependance and being independant. The reason I say this is coming from a male perspective and understanding that your DH has issues psycologically and troubles of his own, not counting his job loss. That will turn up the heat on the unresoved baggage he is hauling.
Until those are faced and resolved by HIM for Him, and a fair amount of time to firmly establish a new track record by him you are and will be fighting a loosing battle and it will take both of ya's down or extremly hinder your growth and stability.
Maybe even run the two questions by your Dr. because in my exsperiance both are categorically interconnected and essential to your health.

Your motto "dfwm" is you standing up for you, just enforce it consistanly.
J, how can we convince you that your worth defending?

[SoWhatif]

Wow, Paislee you like water ponds. I made one that seems ever changing and it has given me much emotion. Good and bad hehe I am currently contemplating redoing it again. Spring cleaning them is a chore.

The trickle sound of a stream is heavenly for me. It also retains and lets me relive many memories when I see and hear the meandering water.

[tina martin]

Paislee, my heart quivers when you write about your son. Tell us whatever you want to (or not).

R, what you say is, no doubt, correct but do you really think this man would do anything to look at himself? There is the dilemma for her. Nothing changed (re the marriage) in how many years? That does not mean it can't or won't change.

Now I'll return the compliment. How many men are like you, R? Very, very few.

[Paisleegreen]

Hi, R, yes, I'm the same way, always changing my ponds and adding new ones! I'm going to have to cut back though, I'm not as young as I use to be and my helpers I gave birth too have all grown up and not as into watergardening as I am.
They do bring me a lot of peace and enjoyment. Yep, spring cleaning is not on my list of favorite things to do, but definitely a "must do" us pond lovers go through every year so that we can experience our many memories of childhood playing along streams we visited with family or friends.

Thank you for the compliments and right back at you. You make good sense. Paislee

[Loveslife]

The truth is I'm terrified to change my marital situation. I want to but then I panic.
I have a dream of moving to florida to live near my best friend and work in Florida. My psychiatrist says I'm not ready for such a drastic change and to just stay safe, keep building myself up and continue working.
But I do have a dream. I'm just to afraid to change. I'm going to read my book called The 7 Wonders That Will Change Your Life Again. Maybe it will help me again. It helped me to push myself and find this job. Maybe it will help me again.

R., You are marvelous, wonderful and a good friend. Tina, you are a miracle, and Paislee, you are an inspiration.

I'm sorry that I'm venting. I can't imagine actually moving. It's the moving part and all of the logistical parts that scare me. And what if I can't take care of myself? No, I can. I've done it before and I know I can. I hope.

Anyway, I'll stop rambling now. My sleeping pill is kicking in. Maybe I'll just run away to Florida. I am very tempted.

[tina martin]

J, here I have to say that I'm with your psych: a move to FL could be problematic, to say the least. I've made cross country moves. The first one just about put me into the locked ward. Could not stop crying. A cross country move is drastic. And what about your daughter, J? Do you want that kind of separation from her? I have endless heartache of separations to this very day.

Life poses immense complications for most of us. What you do, J, is put them out there in front of us to contemplate. Who has the ideal marriage? I think back to Rich who claimed he did. Could be, I suppose. Put hearts and flowers stories in front of me and the head goes into neutral. What other fables am I in for? So now you see the cynic in me.

But life can be beautiful anyway. How? The Self, the Self, the Self. If I'm not mistaken the boys, Dr. K and GB, left that out. They also left out a most powerful force: LOVE, in all its dimensions. Good Lord, did I dig a hole for myself again?