Hello-
I am mad and sad and wondered how other people handle this situation if it comes up.
My mom has been gone traveling to my sister's house for about 17 days. She just got back last night. So- this afternoon I called her to say hi and ask her if she had a good time, etc. She crabbed about how it was hard work babysitting my sister's kids, and about how great my sister was for jetting around the world meeting with clients and was thus never home or seeing her children. I am a SAHM and never, never get acknowledged for the hard work that I put in raising my own 4 children with no outside help. Plus, after not seeing her for that long she can't say, "oh how are you doing?, or I missed you." or anything nice.
Arrgh. I find it hard not to take it personally. And I'm tired of walking on eggshells and being put down.
What do other people do? My folks live 2 miles from me, so it's not like I never see them.
negative relatives
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Guest
I am sorry that you are in this situation but I think that you should tell her the way that you feel. If you keep it bottled up inside of you then it is only going to keep you upset. I have always been the quiet type of person that would never express the way I feel for fear of upsetting someone but then it dawned on me one day.... Well, evidently they are not thinking of the way that I feel and I am not going to keep this inside because it won't do any good and nothing will change unless I let it be known how I feel. So I think that you should try to tell your mom how you are feeling and how it made you feel when all she talked about was your sister and her children while you are basically doing the same thing!
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Guest
Hi
I have had something like this with my mother and like Ethan's Mommy I would tell your mother that even it she didn't mean it that way that it really hurt your feelings that you work hard every day and you love her very much but her not even asking you how you were and bragging about your sister does hurt your feelings and please don't do it anymore. I told my Mom how she was hurting my feelings and I was expecting the worse, but surprisingly it has made our relationship better and she didn't even know she was doing it. Take Care. I hope things work out
I have had something like this with my mother and like Ethan's Mommy I would tell your mother that even it she didn't mean it that way that it really hurt your feelings that you work hard every day and you love her very much but her not even asking you how you were and bragging about your sister does hurt your feelings and please don't do it anymore. I told my Mom how she was hurting my feelings and I was expecting the worse, but surprisingly it has made our relationship better and she didn't even know she was doing it. Take Care. I hope things work out
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Guest
I am afraid to talk to her and my crabby grandma. They don't care how other people feel and aren't really super interested in relationship building. Like... in the 17 days she was gone, she never called me or tried to e-mail, etc. I have tried in the past to bring things up and either it's sort of like the silent treatment and "you are being selfish" or I am told I am "too sensitive" in a negative way. It just doesn't seem worth it to pursue the wanted changes in the relationship because they won't change as they see nothing wrong and I can't change them. I have backed away and try to let them come back to me when they are over their snits and that is usually OK. But, I just wish that I was part of a Walton Family. I think that is the worst part. Wanting something that I can't have and know that they are unable to provide. And thinking it's so darn unfair. I am lovable, but they are not loving. Bummer.
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Guest
I understand what you are talking about. My sister is like that. She is very spiteful when you tell her how it is. I too am a stay at home mom. I have 2 kids. I just moved here with my mom. I lived in a different state for 6 years with no family around. So I do know what you mean about doing it alone. I didn't have a babysitter to even get a hair cut. It does get pretty lonely. I think that is why my anxiety and depression got so bad. I had too much time without adult conversation to sit and dwell on bad things and pity myself. I think that if you talk to your mom and grandma it may make them mad at first, but it may make them think about it later. And if it doesn't it will make you feel better. Or else everytime you get into an arguement you will probable bring it up because you never resolved it. That is how I am when I finally do confront it is a lot because I held so much that I let it all out at once. Then I feel guilty later. So you should talk to your mom now before time passes and you bring it up later. Talk to you later.
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Guest
Newrunner.....My husband and I had 8 children in 11 years....Planning was not too evident. He was 33 when we were married, and I was 24. He wanted little children while he was still young enough to play with and enjoy them. Although it was very hard on me emotionally, these children are so close and enjoy each others' company so much because their ages are close. Sometimes SAHM's are not acknowledged, but now that they are grown and rearing their own families, I realize tha caring for them is and has been the most important thing I could possibly have done - but, there aren't very many paydays. Now, though, we'll see a son or daughter teaching a child in a respectful way and I know how important my career(?) was. ...and now we do have paydays because they are parents and see how demanding and sacrificing the job is, and each year, as their children grow, they express more appreciation for what we did.....not that we were great parents....just trying to do our best under the circumstances. I don't think it makes a whole lot of difference what other relatives think. It took me a long time not to feel jealousy of my siblings and siblings-in-love (law). There won't be a lot of acknowledgment. Through the years I was a college student, a bank teller, a secretary, and a bridal consultant. NONE of those jobs was as hard, demanding and sometimes so frustrating as being a mom. Have confidence that even though you feel unappreciated, you are involved in the greatest of all things any of us do. I have had anxiety and depression as long as I can remember. My son teases me and calls me a "drama queen". What I know is that I am an over-reactor. I bought this course in 2003, and as soon as I do two or three lessons and feel a little better, I do other things!! This time, with the support of this group, I'll finish it. I'm very new here...just getting my feel wet on the first lesson AGAIN.
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Guest
<span class="ev_code_BROWN">Newrunner,
I understand exactly how you feel. My mother always told me that I and I quote her> "you should not feel that way. Just stop it." HA what a trooper. I finally have piece now. She died 2001. I finally feel good about myself. She used to make me feel like my younger brother was the good kid and I was the black sheep of the family. She even told me one day "If it weren't for you this family would be happy." I finally found out one day that she resented me cause of nothing I had anything to do with. She got high blood pressure while pregnant with me and almost died giving birth do me. And I resember her mother who died while my mother was only 15 years old and had to raise all her sibling and take care of her father alone for many years. I learned that she would NEVER EVER treat me any different. I know it is harsh but I feel better now that she is gone. Sorry. But when you, being a female, and your relationship with your mother is like Ice cream and sand, you have no choice but to say goodbye and live your life for YOURSELF. That is my advice. Don't expect her to every change and just say goodbye to it. </span>
I understand exactly how you feel. My mother always told me that I and I quote her> "you should not feel that way. Just stop it." HA what a trooper. I finally have piece now. She died 2001. I finally feel good about myself. She used to make me feel like my younger brother was the good kid and I was the black sheep of the family. She even told me one day "If it weren't for you this family would be happy." I finally found out one day that she resented me cause of nothing I had anything to do with. She got high blood pressure while pregnant with me and almost died giving birth do me. And I resember her mother who died while my mother was only 15 years old and had to raise all her sibling and take care of her father alone for many years. I learned that she would NEVER EVER treat me any different. I know it is harsh but I feel better now that she is gone. Sorry. But when you, being a female, and your relationship with your mother is like Ice cream and sand, you have no choice but to say goodbye and live your life for YOURSELF. That is my advice. Don't expect her to every change and just say goodbye to it. </span>
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Dave Lindeman
- Posts: 13
- Joined: Mon Dec 08, 2008 11:28 am
Hello all who wrote back. Thanks so much for your words of wisdom, reminding me that I am in the middle of a very long-term project with my family and it is important and I am not dependent on anyone else's approval for that.
Codi Wolf- I think my situation is like yours a bit. My mom got married at 19- probaby to escape a dying father and a crabby mother and soon after the wedding became pregnant with little ol' me. In fact, in my baby book there is a space where there is like an open house registry where visitors can sign and write a comment. Here is the first one. It's my dad that has come to see me (I'm old enough that men were not invited in the delivery room) and he says, "not even disappointed I'm not a boy". That comment has killed me for so long. I'm about 1 hour old and already I suck. so-- Here she was now 19 with a kid to haul around. And married to a guy who wasn't really in favor of having kids at all. I do have the one sister and she insisted on getting pregnant again because she didn't want me to be an only child. My dad didn't want to, but did. And the sister became his favorite. Maybe he knew it was the last one. I know she had wanted to go to nursing school and asked her aunt for a loan and the aunt said No. Why didn't she look elsewhere for money, I don't know. She is unfulfilled I think. She did stay home with me when I was little (I don't remember it) and she hated every minute of it. In fact, the trip she just was on was to babysit my sister's kids. I heard a bit about the trip today and she crabbed about how spoiled and loud they are and how hard it was. So-- maybe I think she thinks my sister is perfect and my sister thinks that she thinks I am perfect. Who knows??
It feels so harsh to just cut off from her and my grandma. Like if you just try a bit harder, you can win them over and it will feel better. But that is not reality. Where does respecting your parents and living your own life ignoring them balance out?? I'm torn about that.
Codi Wolf- I think my situation is like yours a bit. My mom got married at 19- probaby to escape a dying father and a crabby mother and soon after the wedding became pregnant with little ol' me. In fact, in my baby book there is a space where there is like an open house registry where visitors can sign and write a comment. Here is the first one. It's my dad that has come to see me (I'm old enough that men were not invited in the delivery room) and he says, "not even disappointed I'm not a boy". That comment has killed me for so long. I'm about 1 hour old and already I suck. so-- Here she was now 19 with a kid to haul around. And married to a guy who wasn't really in favor of having kids at all. I do have the one sister and she insisted on getting pregnant again because she didn't want me to be an only child. My dad didn't want to, but did. And the sister became his favorite. Maybe he knew it was the last one. I know she had wanted to go to nursing school and asked her aunt for a loan and the aunt said No. Why didn't she look elsewhere for money, I don't know. She is unfulfilled I think. She did stay home with me when I was little (I don't remember it) and she hated every minute of it. In fact, the trip she just was on was to babysit my sister's kids. I heard a bit about the trip today and she crabbed about how spoiled and loud they are and how hard it was. So-- maybe I think she thinks my sister is perfect and my sister thinks that she thinks I am perfect. Who knows??
It feels so harsh to just cut off from her and my grandma. Like if you just try a bit harder, you can win them over and it will feel better. But that is not reality. Where does respecting your parents and living your own life ignoring them balance out?? I'm torn about that.
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Guest
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Guest