Lucinda is dead wrong on this...

doogiet · Post by **doogiet** » Mon Dec 08, 2008 6:31 am

I was listening to session 3 about talking to yourself, and while I agree with everything she says, there's a part where she talks about talking to her son. How every day she and her husband says how wonderful he is, how he's such a special little boy, how he's unique, how they're so lucky to have him, etc.

I realize her intentions are good, but it's been my experience that this will only lead to disaster. The problem is that the child is going to grow up with an inflated sense of self worth, and when he realizes that he's not special or unique, that he's just another of the six billion people on this planet, his self esteem is going to crash. I don't want to bore you with my personal story because there's an infinite amount of personal stories on this board, but it's true.

If you don't believe me, go rent or read Fight Club, where Tyler Durden/Brad Pitt gets the megaphone out and starts telling his Space Monkeys the truth: that they are not a unique snowflake. That they are not wonderful or perfect. That they are not going to grow up to be rock stars or movie stars or supermodels. There's a reason that Tyler Durden was recently voted the most popular movie character of all time, and I think that's largely due to the backlash that is caused by Lucinda's way of speaking to her children (what I call "Sesame Street Syndrome", also countered by the Tony Award-winning musical Avenue Q). This (my) generation has been raised to think they're the best thing on earth, and when they realize it's not true, they get anxious and depressed.

I also watched an episode of Beauty and the Geek where one of the beauties had to interview an author as part of her challenge, but she didn't bother to read the book. When she bombed terribly (as expected) and her geek told her that she didn't put in enough effort, she completely freaked out. She got angry, started crying, said how people didn't talk to her that way., etc., etc.

Get the megaphone, monkeys.

BTTRFLY · Post by **BTTRFLY** » Mon Dec 08, 2008 7:04 am

I disagree, I am one of the "six billion" who was raised being told that I was unique and could accomplish anything I wanted, and guess what? I am a 32 year old woman who is unique, as is every other person on this planet, and I have accomplished exactly what I wanted. I developed anxiety and depression from the loss of my mother and a fear of death, it had nothing to do with my self esteem.

Being told there are unique and special things about you is not the same as being told you are "better" than anyone else, and this is what I think Lucinda is saying in session 3. Frankly, if I was brought up being told I was one of 6 billion minions who had nothing different to contribute than anyone else, my anxiety and depression would have started around age 2!

MC Grace · Post by **MC Grace** » Mon Dec 08, 2008 7:08 am

Please note that David Bassett, Lucinda's late husband, did pass in June.
<A HREF="http://bbs.stresscenter.com/eve/forums/ ... 3561066054" TARGET=_blank>Support and Sympathy can be expressed at this thread (link).</A>

deedee00 · Post by **deedee00** » Mon Dec 08, 2008 8:19 am

I also disagree. You should tell you children that they are special. I've told my children that they are special since they were born, and I still do. They are now 18 and 21 years old and they have great self esteem because of it. They feel good about themselves and they don't put up with crap from anyone. We are all special and should have been told so in out impressionable years. Maybe we wouldn't be people pleasers and full of guilt.

Dianelynn · Post by **Dianelynn** » Mon Dec 08, 2008 8:39 am

Don't mean to be harsh but "life" is not movies....

Take the time to tell someone you love them and that they are special and unique...it's how you feel about them and there is no wrong or disappointment in sharing your heart.

dinobail · Post by **dinobail** » Mon Dec 08, 2008 8:47 am

Doogiet,
I also disagree with you. After working in a residential treatment facility with young girls who had emotional, behavioral and mental disorders, you see firsthand what low self-esteem can do to kids. Most of these girls had been told they'd never amount to anything and that they weren't worth anything. You hear that long enough, you believe it and it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. Maybe if they had heard that were loved and special some of their issues could have been avoided. We all want to be loved and feel we are special. This doesn't mean you give them an inflated ego, you just reassure them they are special to you and loved.

Uneek · Post by **Uneek** » Mon Dec 08, 2008 9:09 am

Hey Doogiet,

I had a father who beat me regularly, told me I was worthless loser, and that I would end up in prison like my half brother. My mother did nothing to stop the physical beatings or his verbal abuse, as she was so numbed out on drugs that she was disconnected emotionally from the whole nightmare. So trust me when I say that I would have traded for being raised by Lucinda in a heartbeat.

NinjaFrodo · Post by **NinjaFrodo** » Mon Dec 08, 2008 9:54 am

Doogiet

I understand where you are coming from with your opinion and it is true if all he gets is this kind of attitude. If he has everything given to him and doesn't have to work for anything and never suffers or has negativity in his life then it would be more likely to grow up with an inflated ego. Kids need to learn how to encourage themselves and others. If they got the opposite from this then it can become very difficult to overcome negativity. Also it depends on expectations as well...your example of beauty and the Geek proves that one. The girl obviously expected those people to treat her the same way her parents treated her and she didn't get it and got upset.

By the way, I believe my mother had the same opinion as yourself and she never encouraged me or said I did a good job and I ended up resenting her and everyone else and became depressed, hopeless and it has been very very difficult for me to overcome the negative titles that i give myself. My grandma did the opposite with my mother and my uncles and basically gave them everything they wanted and didn't discipline them and they ended up not respecting her. I'm not too sure about the encouragement factor though. Either way it both ended in the same situation.

I really don't believe that this comment is based on other people though and if you have something that you need to get off your chest then please by all means...we're here to support each other.

Mike

doogiet · Post by **doogiet** » Mon Dec 08, 2008 7:09 pm

Well, it could be that I'm so negative that I don't see the positive side, but I just don't see it. And trust me when I say (at least that I feel) that I'm right about this. My parents told me I was terrific at everything and better at music than my music teacher, and I believed them. Guess what happened when I grew up? Mass depression, confusion, anxiety, etc.

I don't know if it's fair to tell a kid that he can be anything he wants to be, like telling someone in a wheelchair that he can play for the NBA. It's this whole self-esteem thing going way too far (like telling kids that no one loses when they play soccer or something). I mean, get used to losing. (I mean that in the the nicest way).

I think it would be fair to tell a child that he or she is extremely special to the parents and the best thing to ever happen to them, but the parents have to add that to the rest of the world, the kid is just another person and they're going to have to work for their keep.

On another topic, is there a section in here where I can learn how to be comfortable around beautiful women and not completely fall apart? I don't mean just average girls, I mean stunning ones, like my sister who's a psychotic @#$%.

NinjaFrodo · Post by **NinjaFrodo** » Tue Dec 09, 2008 12:06 am

There's the problem....They said you were better than your teacher. That may sound like it is positive but really that comment yes would have put you up but would put others down. That would definately teach a kid to put themselves above others and put others down in the process and nobody likes that. You may not see the positive side of what Lucinda has said but I really feel that the situation with her kid is diffrent from how you were raised. Yes she said her kid was special and that she was lucky to have him...she also taught him to say life's not fair as well. Maybe it isn't so important to understand the positive side in that story right now.

The wheelchair thing ya that would be useless to tell them they'd be able to play for the NBA, I'll give you that. The kids need to know that they aren't going to always get their way all the time and they aren't going to always win.

I believe this is what Lucinda was getting at with saying the child is extremely special to her and her husband. As for the rest of the world...who knows what she said about that. But it doesn't really matter what the rest of the world thinks it is what is inside the child that matters. In my opinion the child should know that he is special and a good person and this can take him/her places but only if the child puts the effort towards whatever they want to do and puts their heart into it.

I'm glad you brought this topic up by the way...now that I think back, I had been putting myself above everyone else when I was growing up and it actually lead to depression too and I didn't really think about it until I responded to your original post.

Mike