Hello guys. It's been almost a year since I've been here. I bought the program in September of 2007 and completed it by November. In August of '07 I had a heart attack scare that turned out to be acid reflux, but after that I went into a period of anxiety and depression. If got so bad that I went on Lexapro in mid September. In fact, I started on Lexapro about the same time I started the program. Wheher it was Lexapro or the program, or a combination of the two, by November I was feeling great. So much so that I stopped taking Lexapro.
Well, about a week before Christmas last year I had a set back. So I begrudgingly went back on the med. That lasted until about March. I've bee med free since. In that time, there have been a couple of occasions when I thought about it, but things improved and life went on. But for the past 3-4 days I've been struggling. Mind you, NOTHING like it was back in August/September of '07. But I feel it. The thought that plagues me is, "OH NO! HERE WE GO AGAIN". When I think about it, the fear of "it" returning is what's scaring me the most.
I still have the meds on the shelf, but I felt like such a loser when I had to go back on them the first time. I really don't want to go back there again. But these feelings (depression from thinking that at 47, my life is essentially over because I can't physically do what I use to be able to do and my kids will be leaving home soon and that the years are really flying by, etc.) are driving me nuts.
Anxiety in me manifests as shivers. I feel like I can;t control my internal shaking and I feel like I'm not standing on solid ground. My head gets dizzy and I feel unstable. That leads to me thinking I'm either going crazy or that I have a serious brain illness. Which amps the anxiety, which fuels the depressions, etc. Well, I feel myself going down the spiral and I'm trying to cut it off. Just being able to write this and knowing that people who understand are reading is helping a lot.
At present, I just feel like such a failure. It's been 9 months of clarity with no meds, good feelings, and good times. For stretches I felt like my old self where anxiety and depressive thoughts and feelings never even entered my consciousness. Other times when I remembered it, it felt like another life time. But here I am and now it feels like I'm going backwards.
While writing here helps, it also hurts. I associate this forum with a time when I was in serious need to help. I had NEVER experienced ANYTHING like what I experienced last year. This place and the program and the meds help me through. So in my mind, this forum, the program, and the meds are a reminder of very bad times. Therefore, when I feel I might need to turn to them again, I get very down because it indicates that this is still a part of my life. I don't know if anybody can relate, but it's how I feel. Will this ever get in the rear view mirror permanently?
Sympotms/Feelings Seem to Be Returing
Well it's good that you recognized all of the signs that you could possibly be returning to the way you use to be. That itself' proves that you want become that way again because you can prevent it. Worrying about it won't help anything because worrying won't add a day to anyone's life. All of the skills you have learned are for an entire lifetime. You must carry out all of them even when you are feeling good to STAY good. Good Luck!!!!
~Don't be scared of death, but rather a life unlived. We expect the worst all the time. Learn to appreciate everything no matter what, and happiness is sure to come.~
I know how you feel. I had finally gotten "over" my anxiety years agp, never looking back. Then it came back in July. Well since then ive been taking meds and doing program, talking to ppl, etc. Anything to make it go away faster than last time bc i have a daughter now. Well whenever I have great weeks, no thoughts of anxiety or it just seems in hind sight, its just that....great. But when i get a bad day and all the thoughts start rolling in like a dark cloud. What if "it" gets worse or comes back and i cant handle it this time....those are my thoughts. It sucks, but we have to push thru.
I completly understand what you mean by coming to the website or even looking at the meds makes you feel doomed in a sense because it like "Oh, crap here we go". And to top it off this is where we turn when we feel anxious. So just the thought sometimes of having to come back to this place for help can make us feel like failures, or like we cant get over this without the help of other sufferers. The only thing i can figure is that we have to change what we are saying to ourselves. If at the first sign of anxiety, we just distracted and let it be what it is, then we probably would never go back to the horrible state we were in before. you see what im saying? Instead, we think about how long is this anxiety period gonna last and how can i make it go away? Im thinking we are going about it all wrong, what do you think? If you ant to share thoughts onthis, because I feel similiar to you in this regard, feel free to send me private message or email me asamsyd@yahoo.com
God Bless, Crystal
I completly understand what you mean by coming to the website or even looking at the meds makes you feel doomed in a sense because it like "Oh, crap here we go". And to top it off this is where we turn when we feel anxious. So just the thought sometimes of having to come back to this place for help can make us feel like failures, or like we cant get over this without the help of other sufferers. The only thing i can figure is that we have to change what we are saying to ourselves. If at the first sign of anxiety, we just distracted and let it be what it is, then we probably would never go back to the horrible state we were in before. you see what im saying? Instead, we think about how long is this anxiety period gonna last and how can i make it go away? Im thinking we are going about it all wrong, what do you think? If you ant to share thoughts onthis, because I feel similiar to you in this regard, feel free to send me private message or email me asamsyd@yahoo.com
God Bless, Crystal