Just a newbie feeling helpless.

donnylutz · Post by **donnylutz** » Mon Nov 24, 2008 10:57 am

Hello! I had my first bout with panic when I was 13 years old, and it's steadily gotten worse. I've been on and off some meds (paxil, buspar, lexapro, and welbrutin), but none of them seemed to help..and the withdrawl from the paxil was horrible.

What helped occasionally was therapy, but I'm finding it hard to get back into that now. I've recently moved 2,000 miles away from where I grew up (I still can't believe I did it..), and my agoraphobia is getting out of control again.

Today I hit a new low. I was feeling an attack coming on while I was getting ready for work. I tried to relax and not focus on it, but it just kept getting worse. To make matters even more crazy, I took my temperature and it was 99.6, which only shot up my anxiety even more. I wanted to call in sick to work, but I missed 2 days last week from being "sick" and I'm only had this job for a month, so I can't risk losing it.

So, I went to work. My panic got to it's highest plato ever. I was extremely close to just grabbing my bag and walking out. I now wish that I would have done that, because what I did makes me feel horrible. when the panic got to it's unbearable point, I walked up to a co-worker, with my cell phone in hand, and started crying, and actually said that my father just died. How horrible is that?

Now, my boss called me and asked if he could do anything for me, and was so sympathetic I felt like just screaming. Now, he told me to take the whole week off, and if I need to go home, (again, 2,000 miles away), he would help me get a plane ticket. This is just crazy. Not only am I still panicking, but I feel like a horrible person now as well.

I have been completely off meds for a month and a half, and was doing OK until the last few weeks. Well truthfully, I haven't been doing OK. I can't ride in a car with other people, I have to drive. I can't eat at a restaurant unless I have a few drinks first. I can't swim in the middle of a pool because I'm scared I won't be able to get out if I need to fast enough. I always have tums and pepto bismol with me incase my stomach starts to hurt. I can't fly. I can't go to the dentist (horrible ordeal last time I went). I can't go into a grocery store without clenching up and rushing through as fast as possible. I'm just at a level of panick almost all the time. When I wake up in the morning, I can feel myself going from relaxed to panicked, and I just feel powerless to stop it.

OK. Enough with that. This week, considering I don't have to work (I have a funeral to go to afterall.......), I'm going to go to the doctor (scares the crap out of me to do it), and I'm going to get some new meds. A friend of mine is on a low dose on Xanax and swears by it. Maybe it will help? Something has to help.

I never had agoraphobia until about a year ago, and I always felt so bad for people that did. Even though my anxiety was messing up my life, I never felt like I was "that" bad. When you are scared to go get the mail, something is seriously wrong.

Well, I vented. Wish I could say I feel better, but I still feel like garbage for lying to my boss> (I'll probably end up getting cards and flowers) And, now I'm so worried about what will happen the next time I work. I can't keep killing family members off can I? This is just so hard.

I do feel a little better now. Hopfully it will continue.

Good luck to everyone out there that struggles with their crazy minds. God Bless you all.

Donny.

BronzeStar45 · Post by **BronzeStar45** » Mon Nov 24, 2008 11:48 am

Donny, it was the anxiety that caused you to over react. I was a wreck 4 weeks ago, myself, and today, I do feel better. I've been working the program almost daily. Where are you in the program? Take this week and dive into the session you're currently working on. pinkee

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Mon Nov 24, 2008 11:50 am

I know exactly how you feel. I have made excuses myself to get out of leaving the house. This past week in fact I called in sick because I started feeling an attack coming on on my way in. Why I needed to call in all week I'm not sure but I told myself I had just gotten the program and needed to spend time for myself. Thing is, I keep looking at the intro guidebook and feeling just excited enough about the possibility of getting well to pick it up but anxious enough it will ask me to do something I can't that I don't actually open it. I have been carrying it around all day. Wanting to cry.

I completely get what you are feeling and am right there with you in feeling like a horrible person. I have been there so many times I can't begin to count. I can't let someone else drive either, I can't fly, I can't go out shopping or to events because I feel trapped, obligated to be somewhere I don't want to be. I'm starting to avoid my family because they will ask me to come over and want me to stay. I avoid my nieces and nephews because kids are germ factories and I'm afraid of getting sick and having to go to the doctor only to have them discover I'm dying from some horrible disease.

I could go on and on. Suffice it to say you are not alone and I do understand. You are not a horrible person. You are trying to survive. At least that's how I look at it.

God bless and good luck.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Mon Nov 24, 2008 12:05 pm

Hi, Donny -
I just joined this weekend and still feeling my way around the forums when your posting hit me in the heart.

It is obvious that you are hurting and feeling guilty about the "story" at work but stop beating yourself up over it ... it's done. The most important thing right now is to get yourself stabilized so that you can get on the road to recovery.

Good for you for getting to your doctor for some medical support. I don't like being on meds either but it sounds like you need a boost to get centered enough to start the recovery process. It's pretty hard to work on the plan for recovery when you're constantly fighting the war of the symptoms! (speaking from experience)

Hang in there!

Canuck13

mistarightn0w · Post by **mistarightn0w** » Tue Nov 25, 2008 4:57 am

Thank you all for responding to my post. Sometimes i forget how much it can help to talk about things.

Unfortunately, things are still going a little crazy. I couldn't sleep last night, and today has just been horrible so far. I went to pay my electric bill, and that went fine. I then went to a walk-in clinic to see about getting some medications. I had to fill out paperwork since it was my first time there. My hands started trembling and I could barely write. I don't think other patients were looking at me but it sure felt like it. I finished the paperwork and was told that it may be a little while. I sat there for 15 minutes and decided I couldn't wait anymore. I told the nurse that I would be back later, and I cried all the way home.

Now I'm just sitting here, not knowing what to do. How did my anxiety get to this point? I can't even sit in a waiting room. This is just crazy. I think the worst part of anxiety is the feeling of helplessness. It really feels like you have no control over your life. You are a slave to the anxiety. It owns you. I hate it so much.

So, I'm trying to decide if I'm going to go back to the doctor or not. I'm so scared of having a massive attack in the waiting room, or worse, while I'm in the room with the doctor. I suppose it would stop me from having to explain why I am there.

I don't know what I'm going to do. It's clear I need help, I'm just not sure how to get it.

Thanks for listening/reading this. It really does help knowing that other people know what this is like.

Donny.