Day 7
Today I didn't feel very productive and I realized that i'm not going to feel this way all the time and It is alright to take a day to relax. I didn't really allow this before in the past as I felt if i didn't work on improving my life then it will only get worse. This only became evident today when i tried to force myself to do things that i really didn't feel like doing and this made me feel bad but, when i gave up and started to watch some of my favorate shows and listen to some enjoyable music, I felt more up. So actually my viewpoint was the exact opposite. If i don't allow myself to rest when I need it, then what i do is going to be counter-productive and i'll just end up resenting it and myself and how is that going to help me feel better about myself? I also felt bad when i did fun things because I was also telling myself that I was being lazy and escaping to these things. I believe this way of thinking had originated from seeing myself as a lazy person and I had to be shown today that realisticly i'm far from being lazy.
With the help of my friend, we've figured out the best thing to do is set a sleep schedual which i'm very determined to stick with no matter how challenging it may be at times. I deserve to feel better and part of this is by allowing my body to recharge.
My friend had also made me realize that i'm starting to lose the passion when it comes to stopping the negative thoughts. When i first started the tic marking, I was soooo excited that i made an accomplishment but now it seems like i'm saying to myself "ya whatever" and not looking so much at the benefits and where it will take me. Sounds like it's a good time to introduce positive self talk in with the tic marking.
Accomplishments; 59
-32 Tics
-Wrote down goal list
-8 cups water
-6 cups lemonade
-Sea salt water
-Kekkai
-Posted on forums once
-Stopped myself from forcing suggestion onto others
-Holosync
-Realized that I was making myself feel bad when doing fun or enjoyable things
-Wayne dyer
-Rhodiola
-Payed rest of Oct rent
-Talked through issues with my friend
-Layed down & listened to music
-Relaxation cd
Mike
NinjaFrodo's Tic Mark Journal
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Guest
Day 8
I'm glad that i'm starting to reset my sleep schedual. I got myself to bed by 10:30 last night and up at 7:30. I'm not too keen on waking up at 7:30 as I feel like a complete space cadet. I wonder if this has to do with the time or that i started to take melatonin last night. We'll see.
So i started the day off feeling somewhat unmotivated & negative but as i was doing the tic marking it gave me more energy and I felt better about myself and I got some things done. I was more focused on just enjoying doing fun things rather than getting lots of goals completed.
So I was convinced yestaurday to start looking at each tic mark and focusing on the benefits of it and the spark started to come back. I feel good again for placing the tic marks instead of feeling like it was some mechanical thing that ment little to nothing. It actually puts me in a more positive mood again. I'm so happy for that. I'm also noticing that the Ego can be responsible for some of these negative thoughts. It doesn't feel very good to see myself as better than other people but those thoughts come up. Also to see accomplishments as just my own when the opportunities and tools to face these obsticals have been given from other people (like the program, budhhist principals...). So i'm greatful to have everything i need to overcome these obsticals and I feel good for effort put in by everybody to help get me to this point and to myself for getting past the negative thoughts.
I'm still feeling spacy, more so during the first few hours of being awake but that's alright. I don't have heart palpatations for at least 80% of the day, no sweating, no feeling that i need to run. All pretty awesome. Lets keep it up.
Accomplishments;
-45 Tic Marking
-Got up at 7:30am
-3 Negative thought replacements
-4 cups water
-2 cups lemonade
-Watched tv
-Posted day 7
-4 Posts on forums
-Played game without feeling bad
-Rhodiola
-Wayne dyer
-Dishes
-Journaled
-Listened to fun music
-Went to bed at 10:30
Total (69)
Mike
I'm glad that i'm starting to reset my sleep schedual. I got myself to bed by 10:30 last night and up at 7:30. I'm not too keen on waking up at 7:30 as I feel like a complete space cadet. I wonder if this has to do with the time or that i started to take melatonin last night. We'll see.
So i started the day off feeling somewhat unmotivated & negative but as i was doing the tic marking it gave me more energy and I felt better about myself and I got some things done. I was more focused on just enjoying doing fun things rather than getting lots of goals completed.
So I was convinced yestaurday to start looking at each tic mark and focusing on the benefits of it and the spark started to come back. I feel good again for placing the tic marks instead of feeling like it was some mechanical thing that ment little to nothing. It actually puts me in a more positive mood again. I'm so happy for that. I'm also noticing that the Ego can be responsible for some of these negative thoughts. It doesn't feel very good to see myself as better than other people but those thoughts come up. Also to see accomplishments as just my own when the opportunities and tools to face these obsticals have been given from other people (like the program, budhhist principals...). So i'm greatful to have everything i need to overcome these obsticals and I feel good for effort put in by everybody to help get me to this point and to myself for getting past the negative thoughts.
I'm still feeling spacy, more so during the first few hours of being awake but that's alright. I don't have heart palpatations for at least 80% of the day, no sweating, no feeling that i need to run. All pretty awesome. Lets keep it up.
Accomplishments;
-45 Tic Marking
-Got up at 7:30am
-3 Negative thought replacements
-4 cups water
-2 cups lemonade
-Watched tv
-Posted day 7
-4 Posts on forums
-Played game without feeling bad
-Rhodiola
-Wayne dyer
-Dishes
-Journaled
-Listened to fun music
-Went to bed at 10:30
Total (69)
Mike
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Guest
Day 9
Still trying to adjust with the sleeping. Took melatonin again last night and I woke up all groggy and such. I think i'm going to avoid the melatonin for now. Like yestaurday the first few hours I felt really unmotivated and negative but after doing several tic marks and some other accomplishments things were starting to get better. However, there was one thing on my list of daily goals that i wasn't going after and it made it harder to enjoy other accomplishments as I knew I was just procrastinating. Once I worked on that goal I was avoiding, I started to feel alot better and I really wish I had done it earlier. It's funny how I was putting off one accomplishment by focusing on the others when I kept feeling more and more down about the procrastination the longer it went on.
The accomplishments seem to bring about diffrent levels of up feelings depending on what they are. Things like watching TV or playing games aren't as good uppers as things like buying groceries. So maybe having the most important accomplishments near the beginning of the day would have an even better effect on my mood and will bring me up even more.
I also noticed that when playing my game and watching tv, the negative thoughts sneak in alot easier. They are often more sutle and I believe alot of them go unnoticed. I did notice a few of them with game playing more so than watching tv and I know i can easily spend hours and hours doing these things and not get stuff done and this actually bothers me when i do it in the beginning of the day so maybe they would be better reserved for the end of the day.
Getting to bed on time was impossible. I even made the mistake to eat some sweets before schedualed time. I guess I figured that i was still in class and my goal would not be reached. So instead of going to bed at 10:30, I went to bed at 2:20, Yuk. I'm still however setting my alarm in the morning to some what keep a routine going but, instead of 7:30, it's going to be 8:30 just so i'm not too zombified.
Accomplishments; (57)
-30 Tics
-Posted journal on facebook
-Posted journal on forums
-4 Other posts on forums
-Played game
-Watched tv
-4 lemonades
-Stretched
-Wayne Dyer
-Smiles
-4 cups water
-Grocery Shopping
-Helped a lady out
-Rhodiola
Mike
Still trying to adjust with the sleeping. Took melatonin again last night and I woke up all groggy and such. I think i'm going to avoid the melatonin for now. Like yestaurday the first few hours I felt really unmotivated and negative but after doing several tic marks and some other accomplishments things were starting to get better. However, there was one thing on my list of daily goals that i wasn't going after and it made it harder to enjoy other accomplishments as I knew I was just procrastinating. Once I worked on that goal I was avoiding, I started to feel alot better and I really wish I had done it earlier. It's funny how I was putting off one accomplishment by focusing on the others when I kept feeling more and more down about the procrastination the longer it went on.
The accomplishments seem to bring about diffrent levels of up feelings depending on what they are. Things like watching TV or playing games aren't as good uppers as things like buying groceries. So maybe having the most important accomplishments near the beginning of the day would have an even better effect on my mood and will bring me up even more.
I also noticed that when playing my game and watching tv, the negative thoughts sneak in alot easier. They are often more sutle and I believe alot of them go unnoticed. I did notice a few of them with game playing more so than watching tv and I know i can easily spend hours and hours doing these things and not get stuff done and this actually bothers me when i do it in the beginning of the day so maybe they would be better reserved for the end of the day.
Getting to bed on time was impossible. I even made the mistake to eat some sweets before schedualed time. I guess I figured that i was still in class and my goal would not be reached. So instead of going to bed at 10:30, I went to bed at 2:20, Yuk. I'm still however setting my alarm in the morning to some what keep a routine going but, instead of 7:30, it's going to be 8:30 just so i'm not too zombified.
Accomplishments; (57)
-30 Tics
-Posted journal on facebook
-Posted journal on forums
-4 Other posts on forums
-Played game
-Watched tv
-4 lemonades
-Stretched
-Wayne Dyer
-Smiles
-4 cups water
-Grocery Shopping
-Helped a lady out
-Rhodiola
Mike
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Guest
Day 10
So I'm finding it difficult to go to bed early on nights when I have school. I get off school at about 10:30 and then it takes me awhile to get back home and then i'm not even tired and then end up staying awake anywhere from 1-3 just like yestaurday. However, I still set my alarm but to 8:30 instead of 7:30. I Felt like a zombie and really negative the first couple of hours but it improved as i got more accomplishments done
I was again starting to slip back into not feeling that great about my accomplishments and getting into that thought about how i'm not getting better, so I decided to look over all the accomplishments i've made since i started the tic marking and it brought me back up. Especially looking at how easier socializing has become for me. I believe this is just because I have been struggling with my sleep goal.
I Actually complimented someone today! This has always been extremely akward for me every single time i've done it and so, this has been one of my biggest resistances but i did it and the other person smiled and I felt good because i was able to mean it and just brought us both up.
Accomplishments; 50
-25 Tics
-6 lemonade
-Smile pictures
-Wayne Dyer
-Love meditation
-Pillow Technique
-4 Cup water
-Stretched
-Renki
-Hip Hop abs
-3 Forum posts
-Bought Groceries
-Complimented another person
-Treated a friend
-Dishes
-Accomplishments in jar
Mike
So I'm finding it difficult to go to bed early on nights when I have school. I get off school at about 10:30 and then it takes me awhile to get back home and then i'm not even tired and then end up staying awake anywhere from 1-3 just like yestaurday. However, I still set my alarm but to 8:30 instead of 7:30. I Felt like a zombie and really negative the first couple of hours but it improved as i got more accomplishments done
I was again starting to slip back into not feeling that great about my accomplishments and getting into that thought about how i'm not getting better, so I decided to look over all the accomplishments i've made since i started the tic marking and it brought me back up. Especially looking at how easier socializing has become for me. I believe this is just because I have been struggling with my sleep goal.
I Actually complimented someone today! This has always been extremely akward for me every single time i've done it and so, this has been one of my biggest resistances but i did it and the other person smiled and I felt good because i was able to mean it and just brought us both up.
Accomplishments; 50
-25 Tics
-6 lemonade
-Smile pictures
-Wayne Dyer
-Love meditation
-Pillow Technique
-4 Cup water
-Stretched
-Renki
-Hip Hop abs
-3 Forum posts
-Bought Groceries
-Complimented another person
-Treated a friend
-Dishes
-Accomplishments in jar
Mike
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Guest
Day 11
Slept in today and totally felt like a zombie and I don't think it helped out too much that i was drinking a little. I enjoyed it and so that makes up for what i'm feeling today.
I'm starting to notice this passionate state arising within me. I feel it in more of a positive way but if i'm overly tired it can come up with my anger and frustration. The intresting part though is I feel that positive passionate feeling the most when i put 100% effort into stretching and it usually lasts as long as the stretch does at least this is how it has started. It's also starting to come up with my exercise as well.
While I was exercising today, I decided that I was going to focus on the healing of someone I know who has a degenerative disease. In class when we're trying to improve ourselves we also focus on others as well as we are all connected and so this was a good practice to try. I was feeling very good with the exercise and once i started to focus on the healing, I was actually doing things with alot more effort and getting more out of the exercise. I then focused this energy on everyone i've met and I felt even more motivated. It was a really good feeling. Not only was I feeling good that I exercised, I also overcame some feelings of hopelessness that I had with some people that I know are suffering with a particular disease right now and I felt reassured that they were getting better.
Accomplishments; 70 (33 Tics)
Mike
Slept in today and totally felt like a zombie and I don't think it helped out too much that i was drinking a little. I enjoyed it and so that makes up for what i'm feeling today.
I'm starting to notice this passionate state arising within me. I feel it in more of a positive way but if i'm overly tired it can come up with my anger and frustration. The intresting part though is I feel that positive passionate feeling the most when i put 100% effort into stretching and it usually lasts as long as the stretch does at least this is how it has started. It's also starting to come up with my exercise as well.
While I was exercising today, I decided that I was going to focus on the healing of someone I know who has a degenerative disease. In class when we're trying to improve ourselves we also focus on others as well as we are all connected and so this was a good practice to try. I was feeling very good with the exercise and once i started to focus on the healing, I was actually doing things with alot more effort and getting more out of the exercise. I then focused this energy on everyone i've met and I felt even more motivated. It was a really good feeling. Not only was I feeling good that I exercised, I also overcame some feelings of hopelessness that I had with some people that I know are suffering with a particular disease right now and I felt reassured that they were getting better.
Accomplishments; 70 (33 Tics)
Mike
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Guest
Day 12
Today was just brutal. I believe i got about 5 hours sleep and I feel extremely uncomfortable just being awake. My anxiety was definately higher today and for the most part i was able to handle it. What noticed though was that my anger really comes up when I feel vulnerable and it seems like this is anger is another way to distract myself from the vulnerability. I had a very difficult time trying to overcome this and historically, I'd stay in this anger mode for hours and hours and hours at a time. Today however, I was able to overcome it at various moments by seeing that I was feeling this way because I feel really tired and also because I'm just afraid that I may get taken advantage of and not be able to stand up for myself. This was a really great accomplishment for me because I do tend to get obsessed with my anger. I also found that the positive affirmation tape that I got my friend to record for me had also helped me with overcoming anger. Thanks Jen
In the past I've found it extremely difficult to talk about the gay lifestyle and being gay and such as I'm still trying to get comfortable with it and I was able to make some remarks that made it completely obvious that I am this way and I didn't get tared and feathered! So it is completely obvious that this tic marking and accomplishment focusing is helping me out. Awesome!
There was another thing i noticed today. When I'm really tired and it becomes night time, I feel really lonely and I wish that i was in a relationship. Now that I've recognized that I'm mostly just feeling this because i'm tired, it makes it alot easier to overcome and actually motivates me to get to bed.
Accomplishments;56 (28 Tics)
By the way, I'm not sure weather or not that I should put down the accomplishments I've made and I'd appreciate if i got some feedback from you guys. Does it help? Does it get read? Or is it skipped over?
Mike
Today was just brutal. I believe i got about 5 hours sleep and I feel extremely uncomfortable just being awake. My anxiety was definately higher today and for the most part i was able to handle it. What noticed though was that my anger really comes up when I feel vulnerable and it seems like this is anger is another way to distract myself from the vulnerability. I had a very difficult time trying to overcome this and historically, I'd stay in this anger mode for hours and hours and hours at a time. Today however, I was able to overcome it at various moments by seeing that I was feeling this way because I feel really tired and also because I'm just afraid that I may get taken advantage of and not be able to stand up for myself. This was a really great accomplishment for me because I do tend to get obsessed with my anger. I also found that the positive affirmation tape that I got my friend to record for me had also helped me with overcoming anger. Thanks Jen
In the past I've found it extremely difficult to talk about the gay lifestyle and being gay and such as I'm still trying to get comfortable with it and I was able to make some remarks that made it completely obvious that I am this way and I didn't get tared and feathered! So it is completely obvious that this tic marking and accomplishment focusing is helping me out. Awesome!
There was another thing i noticed today. When I'm really tired and it becomes night time, I feel really lonely and I wish that i was in a relationship. Now that I've recognized that I'm mostly just feeling this because i'm tired, it makes it alot easier to overcome and actually motivates me to get to bed.
Accomplishments;56 (28 Tics)
By the way, I'm not sure weather or not that I should put down the accomplishments I've made and I'd appreciate if i got some feedback from you guys. Does it help? Does it get read? Or is it skipped over?
Mike
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Guest
Day 13
Got up real early today. 6:15am which isn't too suprising as I got to sleep before 10:30pm. It was alot easier to feel good today well until i got to work that is. I'm really going to strive for this new sleep schedual, it is so important. Despite being pretty up, there is some really deep sadness surfacing it feels. Not exactly sure what it is but i feel like i'm going to become emotional. It feels like i actually have to hold back my emotions and i guess it makes sense because I've been so "numb" for so long.
I haven't felt overly positive about posting on the forums lately and I finally realized why. I was focused on trying to change people and get them to overcome their anxieties and to try inspiring them and I really feel like my efforts were in vain. No matter how many times i could give people advice and no matter how many diffrent ways I do it, it still doesn't help the people move forward and they aren't ready to accept it yet. I didn't feel really good about the response and what i realized is that I cannot overcome people's issues for them and I cannot change people. I need to use wisdom to choose where to spend my energy to create the most benefit. I decided that I was going to now focus on the people who I feel deep down are ready to move to the next level and I can feel good about the decision now because I know everybody can still check out the posts and get things from them and I can still send them good energy. Sure you can find good positive lessons and derive positivity from negative actions and situations but you can also promote negativity with positive actions as well and I feel in this situation giving this positive suggestions and feedback may be reason enough for them to stay stuck and I want them to get over there issues. If they want support and encouragement then they'll have to really show that they're making an effort or it will be almost impossible to even accept that they are worthy of it on a subconscious level.
Accomplishments;62 (27 Tics)
Mike
Got up real early today. 6:15am which isn't too suprising as I got to sleep before 10:30pm. It was alot easier to feel good today well until i got to work that is. I'm really going to strive for this new sleep schedual, it is so important. Despite being pretty up, there is some really deep sadness surfacing it feels. Not exactly sure what it is but i feel like i'm going to become emotional. It feels like i actually have to hold back my emotions and i guess it makes sense because I've been so "numb" for so long.
I haven't felt overly positive about posting on the forums lately and I finally realized why. I was focused on trying to change people and get them to overcome their anxieties and to try inspiring them and I really feel like my efforts were in vain. No matter how many times i could give people advice and no matter how many diffrent ways I do it, it still doesn't help the people move forward and they aren't ready to accept it yet. I didn't feel really good about the response and what i realized is that I cannot overcome people's issues for them and I cannot change people. I need to use wisdom to choose where to spend my energy to create the most benefit. I decided that I was going to now focus on the people who I feel deep down are ready to move to the next level and I can feel good about the decision now because I know everybody can still check out the posts and get things from them and I can still send them good energy. Sure you can find good positive lessons and derive positivity from negative actions and situations but you can also promote negativity with positive actions as well and I feel in this situation giving this positive suggestions and feedback may be reason enough for them to stay stuck and I want them to get over there issues. If they want support and encouragement then they'll have to really show that they're making an effort or it will be almost impossible to even accept that they are worthy of it on a subconscious level.
Accomplishments;62 (27 Tics)
Mike
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Guest
Day 14
So today i've realized something big when it comes to the tic marks. They started to not feel as good and my focus has shifted a little bit. I wasn't giving myself credit for attempting to make myself feel better when a negative thought came up and then I felt overwhelmed and that it wasn't working. So I realized what is important is the attempts i make to overcome the negative thoughts. The last few days, I had only tic marked whenever I actually made myself feel better and I filtered out the times when i tried. I didn't feel as good for this. Today I went with this new idea and I got so much more tics and so many more accomplishments and I feel like i've gotten more out of it and more progress on my goals.
I've finally understood what this deep feeling is, I'm starting to feel all the things I've missed out on. I wasn't there for my cousins and I missed out on their lives as well as my friend's lives, I've lost so many friends because of being so self-absorbed, I've missed out on meeting some really awesome people and enjoying many fun outtings, I gave up so many things I've wanted to do, I gave up expressing myself and accepting myself and all because of how I was struggling to overcome the issues i was dealing with. This really sucks but the feelings that I supressed for so long are starting to come back and I actually miss alot of people and am determined to not let myself go back to that old negative lifestyle.
I get to start my training for a new job tomorrow, yay! I'm really really nervous and most of the tic marks are from this as I'll be facing one of my biggest limitations i have, socializing. This is a big part of my job as i'll be phoning people all day! Luckily they are expecting calls from my company so I don't have to worry so much about being told off or yelled at.
Accomplishments;142 (110 Tics)
Mike
So today i've realized something big when it comes to the tic marks. They started to not feel as good and my focus has shifted a little bit. I wasn't giving myself credit for attempting to make myself feel better when a negative thought came up and then I felt overwhelmed and that it wasn't working. So I realized what is important is the attempts i make to overcome the negative thoughts. The last few days, I had only tic marked whenever I actually made myself feel better and I filtered out the times when i tried. I didn't feel as good for this. Today I went with this new idea and I got so much more tics and so many more accomplishments and I feel like i've gotten more out of it and more progress on my goals.
I've finally understood what this deep feeling is, I'm starting to feel all the things I've missed out on. I wasn't there for my cousins and I missed out on their lives as well as my friend's lives, I've lost so many friends because of being so self-absorbed, I've missed out on meeting some really awesome people and enjoying many fun outtings, I gave up so many things I've wanted to do, I gave up expressing myself and accepting myself and all because of how I was struggling to overcome the issues i was dealing with. This really sucks but the feelings that I supressed for so long are starting to come back and I actually miss alot of people and am determined to not let myself go back to that old negative lifestyle.
I get to start my training for a new job tomorrow, yay! I'm really really nervous and most of the tic marks are from this as I'll be facing one of my biggest limitations i have, socializing. This is a big part of my job as i'll be phoning people all day! Luckily they are expecting calls from my company so I don't have to worry so much about being told off or yelled at.
Accomplishments;142 (110 Tics)
Mike
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Guest
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rose_thorn98
- Posts: 173
- Joined: Thu Nov 09, 2006 6:26 pm
Well i'm glad you are getting something out of this. I'm actually not doing the program right now...just one of the homework assignments which is making a tic mark everytime i stop myself from thinking negatively...as well as making a list of things that i can accomplish that'll make me feel better and focusing on those. After my experience today though....I think it would be a good idea to startup the program again.
Mike
Mike
~The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.
Martin Luther King, Jr~
Martin Luther King, Jr~